62. Chapter Sixty-One
Chapter Sixty-One
Jackson
M y knees are starting to hurt as I scrub the kitchen floors. As I see the pantry in the corner of my eyes, I rise to my feet. Slipping my gloves off, I head for the door and when I flick the light on, my panic only grows.
We haven’t heard from Lisette in a week. I can’t think of anything else but her and it just feels like everything is going to shit, especially with the way the pantry looks right now. Everything is a mess from making breakfast this morning.
I start reorganizing the food, but I suddenly feel like I can’t breathe in the small closet. Taking a step out, I catch my breath before rushing back and taking as much as I can hold. Setting it on the counter, I hold my breath before running back inside, making more trips than I can count to empty the pantry.
I’m scrubbing the floors and walls in there too and my nerves begin to settle, but as I step outside, the kitchen is a mess again. My breath quickens as I take a step back. Trapping myself in the pantry, I sink into the ground. I tap my head in a smoothing beat, but when the intrusive thoughts are too loud, I pull out my phone.
I call Sire and he answers on the first ring.
“Did Lis call?”
“Sire.” I take a calming breath as I collect my thoughts. “I need you to go pick up Isabelle from school and bring her here.” I shut my eyes before pulling my knees to my chest.
“What? Why do you sound like that? What—”
“Sire,” I snap, my voice scaring me. “Please go pick up my daughter, okay? I need her with me. I need to see with my own eyes that she’s okay.”
There’s something shuffling on his end. “Okay, but I’m not on her blue card anymore. Call them and tell them I’m going to get her.”
I nod in return and focus on that small task.
They give me a bit of pushback when I call, but they tell me they’ll release her to Sire when he gets there. Hanging up, my eyes land on my therapist’s emergency number and with shaking hands, I hit her number.
After a few rings, she answers. “Hi, Jackson. What’s going on?”
I rest my head against the wall as I hold my phone tighter. “There’s been no news from Lisette.” I shake my head as I glance at the door and it’s as if it’s going to eat me alive if I open it and let the mess in here.
“Are you in a safe space?”
I nod in return before shutting my eyes. “My house is a mess. Everything is a mess. I can’t fix anything and I just need to get out of here.”
“Everything is not a mess,” Julia tries to reassure me. “Think of something you have control over and focus on that.”
I shake my head in return as nothing comes to mind. “I’m trapped.” A lump grows in my throat. “What if she’s dead?” I tap the floor beside me, grasping for something to bring me comfort.
“Jackson, what do you see right now?”
I glance around the tight space. “My pantry.” I choke out. “I emptied it to clean, but now the kitchen is a wreck. I can’t open the door. I’m stuck here.”
“Okay, okay,” Julia’s voice is calm and I try to focus on that, knowing this isn’t that bad if she’s acting so calm. “Jackson, you’re having a panic attack. Breathe in as I count. In one, two three—”
“I need to wash it away, but I can’t get out of here.”
“Jackson, breathe with me.” She counts again, but with every intrusive thought that enters my mind, my body pulls me to complete a compulsion, but I’m fucking stuck in here and I can’t. I can’t wash my hands, I can’t tap the front door or the kitchen counter.
“She’s dead, isn’t she?” I feel my eyes prickling with tears and when my phone falls, I hear Julia’s soft voice, but I can’t answer her.
Covering my ears, I voice all of the good things to block out the bad ones.
“Isabelle is on her way, she’s fine.”
Sire will probably crash on the way here.
“He’s a good driver. He’ll keep her safe. They’ll be here soon.”
Belle probably choked on those grapes you gave her for lunch. They’re probably giving her CPR right now.
Images of her blue face come to mind, but I shake my head and pull my hoodie off, shaking the thought out.
“She’s fine.”
Lisette overdosed.
“She’s fine.” I shake my hoodie out harder.
When the door swings open, I go still at the sight of my daughter’s smile.
“Daddy, we were knocking forever. We had to use the emergency key. What are you doing in here, silly?” Her face softens as she sees my tears, but I quickly pull her in for a hug. Squeeze her tightly, I hold my breath as I rush past the mess in the kitchen.
“Jackson…” Sire watches me carefully, but I pass him and Vidia and rush out of the negative thought-infected house. Grabbing my car keys, I sit in the back seat with Belle.
“Dad, what happened?” She sits on my lap as she wipes my tears with her little hands.
I kiss her gently as I muster up a smile. “Nothing, I’m better now.”
Her eyes narrow as she watches me. “You’re still crying.” She wipes my tears again before hugging me. “I know exactly what will make you feel better.” She pulls away with that smile of hers. “Ice cream.”
I stifle a laugh as I pull her back in for a hug. “Are you just saying that because you want ice cream?”
She shrugs, a guilty look on her face. “I’ll go make you a banana sundae.” She reaches for the door, but I stop her.
“No, don’t go in there.” I glance out at the house and there’s too much I can’t control in there. We’re safer in the parked car.
She looks between me and the house before shrugging. “Okay, we can have Uncle Sigh make it for us. My foot still hurts.”
“Why?” I glance down at her feet before gently pulling her shoe off. I inspect her foot as she opens the door and yells out to Sire who goes off to make her the sundae.
“I just sprained it during recess.”
“How? The school didn’t call me.” I move her foot around and watch her carefully, but she doesn’t wince.
When Sire comes back out with two bowls of ice cream he watches me carefully. “Here you go, princess.” He hands her the bowl, but his eyes are on me. I avoid his gaze and after a few seconds, he walks off.
I remain in the car with Belle as we eat and she rambles about everything under the sun. After a while, Sire comes back outside with his girlfriend beside him.
He knocks on the car window before slowly opening the door. “That’s the twins and my parents.” He nods to the car pulling up. “Do you want to come back inside?”
I glance over at the house, but Vidia speaks up before I can object. “We put everything back in the pantry,” she voices gently. “It’s probably not how you like it, but it’s pretty organized.”
I let out a calm breath as I turn to Isabelle. Kissing her head, I nod in return before scooping her up and sliding out of the car. I kick my shoes off before entering the house and everyone behind me follows suit.
Gazing into the kitchen, I feel at ease as I take in how clean it is. “Thank you,” I say as I turn to Vidia and she nods in return.
When Isabelle asks for a refill on the ice cream, I let her have a few more scoops before grabbing her tablet. I slide the backyard door open and sit her on the couch. Putting her tablet on her lap, I kiss her gently.
“Watch something out here while I talk with the grown-ups.” I slip her headphones on.
She nods mindlessly as she puts a movie on.
Shutting the door behind me, I turn to the living room where I find Lisette’s family.
Sage sits beside her fiancé, her eyes red with tears as she holds his hand. Beside them Hazel sits on August’s lap, hugging him close. I glance over at the entrance where a man with the twins’ green eyes and dark skin stands talking to a woman with tight curly hair. Their parents, I remember from the handful of times I’ve met them.
Sire walks over to me, Vidia’s hand in his. “Sorry for the ambush,” he whispers. “My dad wanted to tell us something, but I needed to bring Belle here and didn’t want to wait. I figured you also wanted to hear so I told them to meet me here.”
I nod in return before thanking him for bringing Belle.
“You okay? What was—”
“I’m okay.” I nod and he watches me carefully before handing me my phone. I quickly text Julia to let her know I’m fine.
At the sound of someone clearing their throat, I look up at Isaac, Lisette’s dad, who steps into the center of the living room.
“My friend thinks they have something but I’m just waiting for his call.”
Beside him, his wife shakes her head before sitting beside Sage.
“What is it?” Sire looks between his parents. “Mom?” He turns to Kat.
She looks over at her husband who silently shakes his head.
August sits up from the couch, a panic in his eyes. “I’ve seen that look before. Don’t withhold stuff from us like we’re kids. What happened?”
Everyone turns to Isaac and I bite my nail nervously.
He fixes his tie before walking over to August. “I don’t want to worry you all before we know for certain.” He rests his hand on his arm. “Let’s just wait for his call. He’ll be there soon.”
“Be where soon?” Sage’s voice breaks as she takes her mom’s hand. “What aren’t you telling us?”
“Dad,” Sire starts, his voice wavering. “Just say it.” He shakes his head gently, tears building in his eyes.
A pit grows in my stomach as I turn to Isaac.
“There was a body reported that fit her description.”
I take a step back but my back hits the glass. Sliding to the ground, I rest my arms on my knees as the room erupts into chaos.
There’s crying, yelling, and pure panic, but it all meshes together in my head and all I can make out is the soft laughing from behind me. Looking over my shoulder, I focus on Isabelle’s smile as she lays there, ice cream smudged on her face and hysterical over a movie she has watched a hundred times.
“How am I going to tell her?” My voice is just above a whisper as I bury my face in my hands.
The room gets louder with every second that passes. I think Isaac and Kat try to get their kids to calm down, but nothing works.
“How did she fit the description?” I make out Sire’s voice from the crowd. “Half the LA population is white and blonde. She has tattoos all over her left arm. Did they check?”
“Was she in pain?” Sage asks next. “How did it happen?”
“She’s fine ,” Sire rushes out. “It’s not her.”
“Sire,” Vidia says gently and when I look over at them, she takes his hand. “You need to prepare for the worst, mi amor.”
“No.” He takes a step away from her. “Don’t think like that.” He turns to August now who’s watching his brother with tear-filled eyes.
“Sire.” He shakes his head gently.
“She’s fine, August.” His voice breaks now.
I watch Isaac carefully as he pulls out his phone. He brings a hand to his mouth before the twins rush over to him. I hold my breath as I sit up.
Sage looks over at his phone first and it must be a picture because she breaks into a sob as she turns to Liam’s chest.
I go still.
August shakes his head next and when he hugs his mom something in me breaks.
“No.” Sire shakes his head and he’s still across the room, but at his siblings’ reaction, his knees go weak. My vision blurs as Vidia tries to hold him up and they both end up on the ground.
“Is it her?” I choke out, but no one answers me. “Is it her?”
Hazel rushes over and leans over to see the phone. Her shoulders sag before she shakes her head. “No, it’s not.”
Sire picks his head up and you would’ve thought Lisette just walked into the room from the relief on his face.
I press my palm against my eyes as I try to catch my breath. I keep telling myself she’s fine, but countless thoughts storm my mind, convincing me she’s not okay.
When a scary one comes into my head, I rush to my feet. Walking into the kitchen, I tap the counter in a soothing beat before letting out a breath.
I look back into the living room and everyone sits in silence, but I can’t take another minute with my thoughts. Pulling out my phone, I look through the album I made of Lisette.
I’ve been looking at it every day since she left. Swiping through the entire album is a new compulsion and it brings me the most peace.
I focus on the first picture of her where she’s reading to a sleeping Isabelle. I smile as I remember how immersed into the children’s book Lisette was that she didn’t notice her fast asleep.
A few pictures down is one Belle made us take together as we baked for her class. Lisette offered to frost the cupcakes for her and they all look like flowers. I smile at the shock on Isabelle’s face. Lisette spent that entire night teaching her how to frost flowers and I remember how surprised we both were by Lisette’s artistic side.
When my eyes land on the picture of us from Thanksgiving, I find myself staring at her for several minutes. She’s carrying Isabelle in her arms and as she throws her head back with a laugh, Lisette stares down at her, a perfect smile on her face as she gazes down at my daughter. Her brown dress hugs around her perfectly, her long hair draping down her back. Beside her, I’m staring down at her in awe.
My heart sinks as it hits me just how long I’ve been in love with this girl… not long. I wanted so much more time.
I finish swiping through the album before calling her. A part of me knows she won’t answer, but I need to at least hear her voicemail.
“Hey, JJ.”
My brows furrow at her cheery voice. I rush to my feet as I hurry into the living room. “Hey, Lisette.” Everyone turns to me and I put it on speaker when they all gesture for me to do so.
“What are you up to? Do you want to get lunch?”
I look over at Sire and he nods before mouthing, she’s high. Just agree.
“Yeah, do you want to come over and I’ll cook?”
There’s a honk on her end. “I’m going, calm down.”
“Are you driving?” I look over at Sire when I see him shaking his head. He closes the distance between us and puts the phone on mute.
“If she is, don’t scold her for driving intoxicated. Don’t put any blame on her. Just go along and find her.”
“Of course, I’m not driving.” Lisette pulls our attention back to my phone. “I found a perfect parking spot in front of my apartment, I’m never moving it. Listen, I’m shopping right now, but I’ll be at my place in an hour. Can you meet me there?”
I’m still trying to shake off the shock of hearing her voice after processing that she was dead, but Sire taps my arm and I snap back in. “Yeah, sweetheart. Of course.”
“Okay, can you just do me a favor and tell Sire I’m okay?” Her voice is quieter now and when I look over at Sire, I can see the hurt he’s drowning in. “Don’t tell him you’re going to see me. I’m going to see him tonight, but I just want a few more hours before I get yelled at. I blocked all of them a few days ago and I’m in for a headache. Harmony has also been asking a ton of questions and I just need a few more hours of peace.”
I shake my head at how care-fucking-free she sounds, but I keep my anger aside. “Okay, reina. I’ll see you in a bit.”
I hang up and when I turn to the room, everyone looks just as shocked.
“God, give me the strength.” Kat looks up to the ceiling before burying her face in her husband’s chest.
I glance over at Sire. “What do I do?”
He takes a minute to think before running a hand through his hair. “I’ll handle it.”
“What?” I grab him as he tries to walk off. “No, I want to help.”
“Jackson—”
I cut him off at the sight of that look in his eyes. “Don’t you dare say this is a family matter, Sire. I’m coming.”
He watches me for a second before nodding. “Fine, but you need to do exactly what I say.”