Chapter 21
Chapter twenty-one
Killian
Ikissed him; he said I was like Peter, and then I kissed him. Bloody hell, I am a special breed of idiot. Somehow in an attempt to show I am nothing like that vile monster, I groped the guy I kidnapped to show my moral high ground…
Shit…
A fine captain and crown prince I make. I all but ran off, like the coward I am.
I can run from him, climb up to the crow’s nest and hide from him.
Hide from the awkwardness of staying in the wheelhouse with him.
But I cannot run from my feelings anymore.
The cork has been popped, and there is no way of getting it back in the bottle of fizzy elderflower wine ever again.
Like the wine in an opened bottle, if I don’t let it all out soon, it will just turn sour.
I close my eyes, the thud of the upper edge of the crow’s nest against the back of my head grounding.
Just not grounding enough to stop me from seeing that kiss again.
Feeling my stubble scratch around his soft skin, his chest puffing out as he sighs.
The sound of velvet crushing as he pulled me in, and most of all, the phantom warmth settling into my hook at the feel of his skin.
A feeling I miss the most, the warmth of touch in my dominant hand. Now the person I most long to feel that warmth from still believes he is fated to the very goat that took that hand from me.
Tomorrow, I need to face him again. I still intend to keep my promise. To take him out on land. Show him a new culture, show him what he has been missing. Not just to show him how good life could be as a temporary part of my crew. But something more permanent.
A golden illusion, I know; still, I will keep my word. A man without honor is a goat. I will not break my promise and let him down when I can prevent it. Not when I can already see his excited smile. The one he thinks he hides but has somehow been seared into my mind.
A smile that makes his cheek crinkle, his skin flushed red. I’ve seen it every time he witnessed the sunrise. The immense joy he must experience as he sees the only thing in the nine realms that shines as bright as he does.
Every time he likes the food that has been served—and he does a lot because he clearly loves food—he looks truly happy.
It can’t have anything to do with the fact that I have insisted on eating fish this entire journey because I enjoy the dance he does when he eats fresh fish.
It should not have anything to do with the fact we are docked right now because I wanted to stock up on butter and flour.
Docking is a risk. The people we need to trade with will see the Obsidian Oath, or at least when are docked here.
Traitors are where oxygen is. There could very well be a spy traveling to Peter to tell him where we are now.
A risk the crew trusted me to take; their loyalty might not have been hard won.
It is precious, too precious for me to squander it on getting butter for a landlubber who cannot wait to escape.
A landlubber I will take out on the lands, where Peter might be roaming to find us.
With no idea how hard James will run to Peter the second he sees him.
Fucccck.
The kiss has probably ruined any chances of him working with me.
Sure he was more than hesitant about my offer, and why wouldn’t he be.
I had not been exactly forthcoming with my redeeming qualities.
He has no grounds to trust me. But the fact that he seemed to believe me should have been an amazing win.
It was an amazing win… until I became overcome with the greed of fae royalty, wanting more, so much so that I probably ruined everything.
A bit of patience would have most likely made him see the truth.
Now he might think I have been lying about everything, just to have an excuse to kiss him.
How can I explain to him that I never planned to want him like this.
How his accusations were not as much truth as a self-fulfilling prophecy.
That I never kidnapped him to have what Peter had.
That I hated his guts, long before I met him, that I hated him for falling for Peter’s tricks.
And that when I noticed what a stubborn, mouthy, brat he was, that hatred only grew stronger.
How often I contemplated just killing him.
My hand raises to the ragged bump on my neck, where the skin is still swollen, recovering from when he tried to kill me.
How can I explain what I do not understand myself?
Why the hatred I felt in my very soul had shifted into something else entirely, something way more frightening.
“Morning, Cap’n, I figured I should let you know breakfast is served. The crew’s favorite landlubber is up too. He seems to have recovered from his addiction. He even came to the mess for breakfast on his own,” Seviin tells me, again making sure that I eat.
“Thanks, Sev, you’re a lifesaver. I must have dozed off for a bit,” I lie smoothly.
I don’t even flinch at the realization that I lied to Seviin for the very first time since meeting her.
I never lied to my crew, until now. And the lie fell from my lips so easily, that she believed it without question.
I never dozed off. Dozing off requires your mind to shut down. Mine never did, and I am not sure when it will again. Not when the idea of seeing him at breakfast, being able to gauge how he is feeling, has my heart thrum against my ribs painfully.
“You must be hungry Cap’n.” Seviin’s teasing is light-hearted and innocent. Seviin is always eager to go eat. She must see something of her own enthusiasm in me getting down so hurriedly. Still, I falter, messing a step on the ladder to climb down to the upper deck.
“Yes, guess I am,” I grit out the words rough, squeezing out from between gritted teeth.
Seviin’s observation wasn’t incorrect. She just cannot imagine what it is I am so hungry for, something she can never know.
Something I am so ashamed of I rather lie to my crew for the first time ever than to admit the horrible truth.
That I am falling for James Barington, the guy who might still think Peter is his fated mate. The brat we kidnapped to get to Peter.
Two hours later, I am ready to go collect an unaware James from his hut, to take our prisoner to land, to get him to finally see the truth about Peter.
That is what I told the crew, that I was going to let James experience more of life on Silvermist, to offer a perspective to the narrative Peter had created.
An idea that had been praised by most of the crew.
When all I did was spin another lie. What I truly want is for him to see how good life with me can be.
My hand raps on the wooden door rapidly three times before my hand is met with a gust of air, and I realize someone opened it.
“What?” James asks.
I am used to his short responses but this time his words are not as harsh and bitter as they were before. My eyes drag over his Panatoean-silk clad body and seeing him wear the clothes I picked out for him sends an unexpected jolt of pleasure up my spine.
“I am nothing if not a man of my word,” I tell James, “So I am taking you shopping. I think 3 cold coins is enough to compensate you for the fact I threw your necklace away. Even if I helped you out by doing so,” I explain.
His eyebrows raise, somehow pulling the corner of his lips up with them.
“Really?” he scoffs, crossing his arms. He isn’t managing to hide his excitement of venturing off the ship.
His pose isn’t as rigid as he means for it to be, his face is gentler than I have ever seen it before.
He looks younger now. He is twenty-two, making him one-hundred-fifty-four years in fae years.
Still pretty young. This is the first time I see it, and it makes me want to cup his face to caress his soft skin.
“Of course, we are docked close to Panatoea, that is why you are now dressed in Panatoean silk,” I say smiling.
The silk whispers softly as James brushes it. “Panatoean Silk,” he whispers, even softer. “I always wanted to see more of Silvermist, but I was never allowed to. Peter told me it was dangerous.”
My chest gets uncomfortably tight at his words.
I know this is what happened to Celeste too; he keeps the people he curses with his twisted sense of love, close.
So close that there is no room left for anything else.
He makes sure they see him as their world, because he sucks the energy out of everything else.
It happened to her, and that is what mattered to me.
I knew it must have happened to him too.
In fact, it was the excuse I used when I told my crew about the reason for taking him deeper into Panatoea.
Hearing him confirm it, listening to him tell me about the pain, the loneliness he suffered, should not bother me in the slightest. It should not make my chest feel achingly tight with the need to hug him. And yet it does.
“He lied, lied about everything. You must hate me because I keep saying it. But it’s true. I am being honest with you now. I am taking you shopping so you can see how different life can be,” I omit half the truth.
“Oh, I hate you, but not for being the first one in Silvermist to be honest with me. You and Samuel, he told me fated mates did not exist. A bit pissed since he told me he feels no romantic attraction at all.” He shrugs, but he steps out of the hut clearly ready to come with me.
“Yes, Samuel is not one to mince his words,” I say with a genuine smile, despite the mess.
“You like him? Samuel, I mean.” James bumps into me as his unexpected remark makes me stop.
“He is my best friend, of course I like him…,” I say, utterly confused. Why is me and Samuel being friends is something worth observing?
“You have friends; it’s… never mind, of course you do. Everyone should have friends. I had friends back home.”
I don’t comment on his statement. He is right in the sense that everyone needs friends.
And even though up till this point, it seemed he only had his family back on earth, I can easily see how he might have friends there.
What surprises me is the genuine surprise in his words.
He has stopped talking and is now following me silently, biting his lip again.
A clear sign he is thinking about something.
I pressured him enough in the past 24 hours.
This time I am not going to comment or try to force him to make a decision.
“Why are you offering me help?” We have been walking the streets of Panatoea, but he seems more than hesitant to buy anything.
“Why not? We have the same goal, right? I want my sister back, you want your brothers back, get them to safety.” It’s the truth, despite how I am starting to feel about him.
“I just… everyone has been lying to me ever since I got here, or to even get me here.” The shells crush under the nose of his boot, which he is looking at while dragging lines in the shell path, like the shells themselves will answer his question.
“And I don’t know why you kidnapped me to begin with. What the plan was, Peter cannot find the Obsidian Oath, and clearly Celeste can…”
He is right. Yesterday, I told him he should join me in bringing down the man he thought he loved. I asked him to put all his faith in the man who kidnapped him and has been nothing but vile to him. Without him even knowing what happened, why I kidnapped him.
“Let’s go get lunch together, and I will tell you how I lost my hand. And why I kidnapped you. You deserve that much,” I offer, leading him into a Panatoean cafe, my hand on the small of his back. My heart beats a little faster when he lets me.
“Just listen to me before you interject. I will answer every question afterwards,” I tell him, and he just nods as we sit down, but that is enough.