Chapter 33
Chapter thirty-three
Killian
He noticed I slept with my prosthesis on, of course he did, and now he wants to know if it hurts. I want to believe he isn’t that mean. That he is not going to make fun of me. It’s a scary idea. But the way he was stroking my cheek, that was not just physical; that was so much more.
“Why do you want to know?”
He doesn’t answer me right away, his hand just wraps around my wrist, and my body stiffens.
“Your arm is not ugly. It is a sign of how much you love your sister, how brave you are,” he says and then he brings my arm to his face, the raised edges of my scar dragging down his soft cheek.
All of my breath leaves me in a choppy exhale.
“Why did you hide this from me, Killian?”
It’s an honest question, it makes sense, but the answer is one I didn’t want to tell him yet. Still I will because I cannot lie to him about this. I don’t want to lie to him at all.
“Because what we have, darling, is not just physical, not to me,” I confess, my heart hammering against my ribs.
Me having fallen for him is not the only thing I need to tell him, it is not the only part of me I have been hiding.
Something he needs to know on the off chance that he feels the same, or even a fraction of what I am feeling.
“I know you were so upset when you found out about Peter being bi, darling, and I need to be honest with you, I am gay romantic. I never loved a woman, and I never will but… I can feel sexual attraction to them. I am bisexual, and if there is any chance at all that you feel a fraction of what I feel, if you would ever want to see what this could be, then I need you to know up front. It is something I am not ashamed of; it is just a part of who I am.”
I slump back against the headboard when I let it all out. Somewhere along the lines, I went from being in charge of everything James Barington did, of wanting to kill him, to giving him my heart, hoping he won’t shatter it into a thousand pieces.
“Killian, it was never about Peter being bisexual. I don’t care about that.
He kept telling me he had no idea why Celeste was so obsessed with him when she knew he was gay.
It was the elaborateness of his lie that made me mad.
Did you really think…?” He doesn’t finish what he is saying. He just sighs and shakes his head.
“I know the human realm is the only realm that has these strict, crazy ideas about gender and sexuality, and I… well I didn’t know.
It’s not like I ever expected to start falling for a foul-mouthed human brat,” I tease, laughing.
I can hear how hollow it sounds. While it is reassuring that my having had sex with women before is not a deal breaker, he has not reacted to the fact that I have feelings for him.
I don't know what is or is not a deal breaker when I do not even know if there is a deal to break.
“And about this not being solely physical,” he begins.
Every muscle in my body contracts, my good hand buries in the sheets.
This is it, the moment where he will break my heart or make me the happiest man alive.
“It’s not just physical for me either, Killian, but I came over last night because I wanted to let you know I want to work together with you to get our siblings back.
And when I have Matthew and Barry with me, when I have apologized to the fae princess Celeste, you need to take your sister back and—”
I cut him off. I know what he is going to tell me.
I need to get Celeste back home, and he needs to get his brothers back home.
This thing between us is never going to work out.
If it wasn’t for Celeste and his brothers, I would have asked him to give us a shot, to stay on the Obsidian Oath with me and travel through all of the nine realms. Now I cannot give up on my sister, and he cannot give up on his brothers, so I finish the answer for him.
“And you need to take your brothers home. In hopefully a few weeks of time, we will be realms apart,” I whisper.
“We will be. So it might be better if we stop seeing each other like this. We will only get more attached, and it will end in heartbreak. I just want to focus on getting our siblings back.”
He is right, of course he is right, but the truth hurts. How can he expect me to be on this ship with him? Work together to get our siblings back all while ignoring how I feel about him when I know he is feeling the exact same thing, that is just crazy.
“Darling, I am not sure if I can do that, not when you just told me you felt the same,” I tell him, and I am hurt to see his face harden.
“Killian, this isn’t some dream. Besides, you realize I am still engaged to another man, right?” I lean back so far away from him that I fall out of the bed.
“So what, your loyalty to Peter is the reason you cannot be with me?” I scoff, yanking my prosthesis from the bed. I cannot stand that he’s seeing me like this when he is still hung up on Peter. Especially now that he knows the truth about Peter.
“Wow I did not see this coming. I thought you were so much better than this. Please just go.” I hate how my voice cracks as I turn away from him. Waiting for the door to close behind him, but he doesn't. He doesn't walk away.
“No, Killian, I am not going to just walk away. We need to talk about this, and me walking out now because you chose to think the worst of me is not going to help either of us,” he says coldly, angry.
And I am reluctant to turn back, to face him, because I can feel the hurt that I will see etched on his face when I do.
But he is right, we need to talk about this.
I get why Celeste likes him.
“Killian, what is going on? Father is raging again, that vein in his eyelid is about to pop.” Celeste giggles as she plops down on my bed. She didn’t even knock; she barged into my room again, like she always does when Father and I get into a fight.
“He wanted me to meet the son of another nobleman, because I am at the right age to marry, and he feels like some weak, spoiled noble son waiting for me at home will make me settle down. So I just walked out. I told him before that I don't want to marry out of duty. I know it’s silly, Celeste, I know fae of our status don't, but I just want to marry out of love. Is that so weird? I don’t even need the marriage, and I am less than sure I want an heir. You should be the next ruler of Veridian Vale. You’re made for this shit, but because you’re not the eldest, they won’t let you… ” I snarl.
“What did Father say when you told him all of this?” she says with a huge grin plastered on her face. She knows I have not told him that. My sister knows I am not one to sit down and talk about my feelings.
“I didn’t tell him, Celeste, he wouldn’t listen to me anyway.
” I sigh, hoping Celeste will just leave it be.
That she will understand me. She does get up, but she walks towards me, not away from me.
“Killian, people will never be able to help you if you don’t tell them what you need from them,” she says, hugging me.
“I know, Celeste. I know one day I will be able to, okay?”
It was a promise I never kept until now, because despite how desperately I want to be away from this situation, I turn around to face him.
“Then how do you expect me to react when the man I am falling for tells me he feels the same but prefers to stay with the man who lied to him, manipulated him?” I cross my arms over my chest, trying to close myself off from the hurt of his words.
“Killian, are you crazy? I don't prefer to stay with Peter. My main goal is to get Matthew and Barry back and go home far away from him. But I can’t exactly break up with him when I am sitting here, and he is close to my brothers. As much as I don’t want him anymore, I am sure in his mind, we are still together, and despite it all, it feels wrong to just move on with someone else without him even knowing it.
And with us, that is just one of the many complications. ” James sighs.
What he is saying makes sense. He is honest and loyal.
It is one of the things that made me fall for him.
So I cannot fault him for that when it does not benefit me.
That would not be fair. And then there is the issue of us both needing to go back to another realm.
Maybe it is just me being stubborn, but I am not ready to give up on him.
If he thinks there is no way this will work out because of the obstacles we need to face, he can.
I won’t tell him to feel differently, but I will fight for him.
I will fight to show him how good this is, how good we can be together, and if it is only for a few weeks or a few months, then I will fight to have those weeks and months with him. I honestly do not understand why we would not enjoy what we have for as long as we can.
“You’re right, darling, but whatever you do, do not tell Peter it’s over between the two of you before you are sure your brothers are safe.
I should have thought about that before,” I admit.
I know James. If I am going to push him now, he will just withdraw more.
So I am focusing on the thing that is true.
The fact that he is absolutely right about not wanting to risk his brothers.
“Thank you, Killian, I know Peter is a sensitive topic for you. I know now that what he and I had was fake. I was a different person when I was with him, and I never even realized it. In order for me to be able to help, I am going to need to know what the plan was behind kidnapping me,” James says.
I hate how easily he switches back to talking business again.
Like my confession that I am falling for him is not all-encompassing.
Maybe he just doesn’t want to accept the consequences of our confessions.
But he made me listen to him talk about why he is still engaged to Peter.
He was right, talking about it helped, so I am not going to let him get away with just ignoring us.
“Darling, come here. Why are you so eager to forget about what we just said? So eager to ignore the fact that we have managed to find something real in the mess we find ourselves in. Does it really matter that you are not being honest with Peter? Because as far as I am concerned, he has never been honest with you and can go fuck himself.” I get back in bed—my bed—with James, pulling him into my chest.
“We don’t know how long it will take before we get our siblings back; maybe my parents won’t let me come home. I have never been to Earth, which means I can’t be sure I could never live there, especially when you would be there. Why not give us a shot?” I plead with him, careful not to push him.
I feel my chest get wet before I feel the first shock of his body.
“Because that would make me happy, and I don’t deserve it.
Certainly not when I will most likely end up hurting you.
” He sobs into my chest. I should be worried about the fact he feels he doesn’t deserve me.
That he is convinced he is going to end up hurting me.
But all I can process at this moment is how vulnerable he is being with me.
How he is crying into my chest, letting me hold him.
“Why would you end up hurting me, darling? Tell me what is going on.”