Chapter 34
Chapter thirty-four
James
Killian is so sweet and gentle with me now, but how can I tell him the truth? About how afraid I am about possibly having to marry some other man when I am back on Earth. He was so hurt when I explained I could not be with him because I am still technically engaged to Peter.
“I didn’t just leave my parents behind, taking my brothers with me to Silvermist after one kiss because I was that desperate,” I begin, pulling away from Killian enough for me to look him in the eyes as I am telling him what worries me so.
Of course, he is about to interrupt me right away, no doubt by telling me something sweet.
How he knows I am not desperate, or how that is just what Peter does.
But I need him to listen to me, I need him to let me finish.
“No, please, if we are doing this now, then you’re going to need to let me finish, Killian.
” He nods, still holding me close, as I tell him about how ill my mother was.
How bad it got back home, how none of us were actually happy, and how despite all that, I was still hesitant to leave my family behind.
I also tell him about overhearing my parents’ discussing my marriage as I snuck up from saying my goodbyes to Peter.
“You see, in my mind I eloped with Peter, taking my brothers with me, because I was going to have to marry for money anyway. So why not marry my fated mate instead of some rich older guy.”
“That’s not so bad, darling. Part of the reason I always argued with my parents was that most fae, let alone noble and royal fae, enter political marriages, while I am not even sure if I need to get married or have children as long as I have someone I truly love.
So why would you choosing what you thought was a chance at love over something you knew was just a marriage of convenience be an issue?
He doesn’t get it. He thinks the trouble my family had—the poverty, my mother’s illness—just disappeared when we did. When I took my brothers to Neverland.
I cannot even blame him because it was what I believed was the reason I left my parents behind in a hurry. I watched Peter put the bag of gold coins on my desk, where my parents would surely find it.
Lately, however, after finding out there had been nothing Peter was honest about, I fear he never left money for my parents.
I mean, I saw it with my own eyes, but I also did not see most of the Obsidian Oath with my own eyes, and yet, it is here now.
Magic is real, and I don’t know what kind of fucked-up magic fauns use.
“Killian, I am not so sure Peter truly left the gold behind for my parents. It was so hard to remember them when I was under his influence, ever since you forced me through withdrawal… I remember them again. Tell me if he really set my parents right, left them the gold with my apology and explanation letter attached to it. Then why would he need to make me forget my family?”
Killian’s face falls. He knows. He knows whether or not faun gold is real, and I don’t think this is good news.
“Tell me, please…,” I ask Killian. I need to hear the words come from his lips, I need to hear him tell me.
I need to hear that I not only risked my brothers, but I didn’t even leave my parents as well cared for as I made myself believe.
“I am sorry, darling, I can’t be sure what he left your parents, but faun gold disappears within the hour.
If he truly did use faun gold, it was gone before you reached Silvermist,” he tells me stroking my back.
Like he is the one that has something to make up to me.
Like any of this mess is his fault. It isn’t; of course it isn’t .
“I feared he used faun gold, darling. I just…every time I kept pushing how vile Peter was, you would get mad, and this would not change anything, so I figured I would only tell you if you asked me about it.”
I wish he would have told me before, but he is right. It wouldn’t have brought me anything. Now it’s only a confirmation of what I feared all along.
“Killian, if I go back home, and that man is still willing to pay for my mom’s medicine if I marry him, I will have to, especially after what I have done to my parents,” I explain, hoping he knows I don’t want to do this.
“No, James, you cannot marry a man who doesn’t love you. You can’t sell yourself.” I get where Killian is coming from. He would hate to tie himself down in an unhappy marriage just to help out his family. But I know he would too, and I wouldn’t try to stop him, like he is trying to do to me now.
“Killian, I need to do this, don’t you get it? I am not even sure if my mother is still alive. It has been months since I last saw her.”
“No, we can find another solution. I have enough gold, I can pay for her treatment, get her in touch with the best fae healers. Don’t just give up on us now, because you don’t know what the future holds.” I want to agree with him, believe him when he says he can help me.
“My brothers are out there being used as slaves because I blindly followed one man into Silvermist. And then now, before I even have the chance to break that off, to get my brothers to safety, I go gallivanting about with the man they still think kidnapped me,” I try to explain why I can’t just be happy about what has grown between us.
“Shit, your brothers… They are going to hate me, aren’t they? But it is okay, we can make it all work.” Somewhere between what happened last night and this moment, Killian has become annoyingly optimistic.
“Are you even listening to me, Killian? Fuck you,” I say, getting out of bed.
“Gladly, I’d rather have you fuck me than argue with you again,” Killian says with a smirk.
“Wait, you mean, I…you…” I stammer. I mean, it was one of the things I disliked about Peter, the fact that he was never even open to having a discussion about this.
“Yes, I thought you were offering.” Killian’s words stop me from overthinking, but I am still confused. This has not been much of a discussion. I was mad, about to walk away, and now he is turning this into sex.
“No, I mean… but you, men like you…. I thought about it.”
“See, I knew you thought about me…” Killian smirks before finally pulling me back to bed.
“I mean it, darling, I don’t want to argue with you.
And I don’t know if that is something you are into.
I would love it if we could change that up.
Because, darling, nothing you can tell me will stop me from wanting you.
And if you’re not ready to face these challenges yet, I will just show you why we’re worth it. ”
“I actually don’t want to argue with you either, and yes, I would like it if we can change up roles too. But how do we go from here, sneaking around behind the crew’s back, pretending to just work together?”
Killian is right. I don’t want to spend my time arguing with him. Not when he makes me this happy. He is right—we have no idea what the future holds for us. Maybe it is time for me to just enjoy this for as long as it lasts.
“Barry wouldn’t hate you. He is eight.” I shrug before explaining: “He always said he wanted to be a pirate when he grew up. Back when he wanted to grow up, now he thinks he wants to stay eight forever. Matthew, he is more like me. He will want to make sure you’re good to me.
He will be crushed to find out Peter lied to all of us,” I tell Killian about my brothers, after I let myself get pulled back into bed again, not giving him the chance to tell him how he sees us being together.
Not because I don’ t want to hear the answer.
I need to hear it. But this morning has been a roller coaster, from the intimacy of him showing me his amputated arm, to the short-lived joy of him confessing it’s not just physical to him, to him having a counterargument to my list of reasons why this wasn’t smart.
I just want to have a bit of normalcy before we get into what us being together would entail.
“I’ll show Matthew how much I care. I will make sure he sees how good I am going to be to his big brother.
I will let Barry steer the ship for a bit.
I want your brothers to accept me. Because, darling, I am not going to hide you, not for my crew, not for your brothers.
Tell me when you’re ready, and I will walk into the mess, holding your hand, having you sit next to me at the captain’s table.
“Really, you would just walk out there with me now and just claim me as yours? What would the crew even say?” I ask. It is all going a little too fast for me now. Yesterday I walked up to Killian’s quarters, feeling jealous of Samuel, thinking my feelings had nowhere to go.
“Killian, you are right in the fact that we don’t know what the future holds, that this might be worth fighting for.
But it is a lot for me. Can we just take it slow for a little bit?
” I ask hoping to not hurt his feelings.
I am not ashamed of being with him either, I want this to just be for us for a little while.
“Whatever you need, James, I am not going to pressure you into anything. I never even expected you to feel the same.” He kisses my temple and keeps holding me.
A few hours later, after breakfast we’re back in Killian’s study, now joined by Samuel and Seviin. “Is that coat new, Samuel? It looks good on you,” I stammer, feeling a little awkward about how I behaved yesterday.
“It is. Thank you, James. It turns out you’re a man of great taste.” He definitely knows something is up, but he doesn’t seem to be too bothered by it, if anything, he finds it amusing.
“While I love the compliments going back and forth, that is not the reason we are here. Samuel, Seviin, last night James told me he is willing to work with us not just to get his brothers to safety but also to get Peter to lift the curse from Celeste and get her back home too.” Both Samuel and Seviin grin at the news.
They seem to think that I could really help them get to Peter, and I am going to do all I can to prove them right.
“So what was the plan when you kidnapped me? I mean, even with me being aboard the ship, Peter cannot find it, right?” I am not sure I understand the fae magic correctly, but I do understand now there is no such thing as fated mates, that Peter cannot feel what I feel, or experience what I experience.
So he isn’t going to be able to find the Obsidian Oath through me.
“That’s correct, but I sent him invitations to come find the Obsidian Oath.
Celeste knows it, so she can lead him to us.
And with an official invitation from me, he would have no problem entering.
But as you know now, he has not responded to a single one of my letters. Celeste delivered them herself.”
Suddenly, it dawns on me, he knows Celeste comes here from time to time. He would always tell me it was so difficult to capture Killian because he could not find the Obsidian Oath, but if he had truly wanted to do so, he could have had Celeste followed.
“Why didn’t he come for me? I mean, I know that he never actually cared for me, but still, he must have understood I would find out the truth.
I just don’t get why he holds on to Celeste like this.
Even in her brownie form, he wasn’t kind to her; he always sent her away.
And not because she was hanging around me because he knew I could never understand her?
” I ask. Samuel scowls, seemingly at the fact that Peter is still treating Celeste badly, and as always when we speak about his sister, especially in her brownie form, Killian just looks hurt.
Seviin, however, grins like she knows exactly why Peter did not come to get me, when he had the chance.