Chapter Six
J ennifer
I have been pacing back and forth in front of the front door for the past three hours.
Everything here is quiet. Too fucking quiet.
I hate it. I get overloaded with my fucked-up thoughts when it is this quiet.
But maybe it isn’t the silence that allows my thoughts to become loud and flood me.
Maybe it is because I’m sober, completely fucking sober.
I can’t remember the last time I was sober like this and, honestly, it makes me uncomfortable.
At least when my father forced me to get loaded, I was able to drown out my thoughts and emotions.
Now that I am sober, I can’t drown out shit.
When Ethan left he seemed nervous and on edge, which has made me become overly nervous and on edge.
He is my calmness. He doesn’t know it, but I felt it in the shower with him.
He was able to silence the voices in my head.
the demons that haunt me. He is the only one that has been able to do that, and now that he has, I crave that peace, the peace only he is able to provide me.
Which honestly is weird to say because we have only known each other for a little over a week, if that, and I am already feeling like this.
Man, I am fucking twisted, more twisted than I ever thought was fucking possible.
But feeling Ethan, touching him, hearing his whispers.
I can see how we are both twisted in the same way.
Not having him with me makes me anxious, makes me think that something is wrong. And what if something is wrong? What if I am not safe here? What if he doesn’t come back?
I feel my heart racing with every unstable thought. With every negative emotion, I am becoming more and more unhinged. I take a deep breath and continue to pace, counting out loud.
“One, two, three, four, five,” I count, feeling my chest start to tighten. I know soon I will be in a full-blown panic attack and once I get there, there is no undoing it. I will have to fucking ride it out—just like I have done so many times before.
I stop as I hear the doorknob starting to move. I hear someone punching in the code and the door unlocks. I hold my breath as my anxiety starts to fucking increase. I watch the doorknob turn, and the door is pushed open.
Ethan takes two steps inside and the door closes behind him.
I feel the tears escaping my eyes and rolling down my face.
Sweat covers his forehead as I watch him try and catch his breath.
He slowly closes the distance between us and reaches his hands out to me.
I want so fucking badly to take them, but I do the one thing I don’t want to do.
I take two steps back, making distance between us.
Ethan slowly lowers his hands to his sides, his eyes locked onto me.
I want to kiss him and fucking slap him all at the same fucking time.
“Hon—” Ethan starts to say, but I am not ready to hear his words. His words will melt away this anger and fear and I don’t want it to go away, not yet. I want to fucking feel it. I make no sense—none of this makes any sense.
I put up my hand, stopping him. I feel the tears building in my eyes.
I am a fucking mess, a wreck. I don’t know what is wrong with me or what I am feeling.
I just know he left me alone. He had to go, I know that.
I was ready for that until he fucking walked out the door, then the strength I thought I had melted away, and my voices came back.
Voices screaming at me to run, but I didn’t. My body fucking aches. my head aches. Everything fucking hurts, and the only time it doesn’t is when he is here. And now he is here, and I am fucking terrified. I am a mess.
He takes a deep breath.
“You left me here,” I say in a low shaky voice, processing my own words as I state them.
“Hon.” He takes a step toward me, but I take another step back, seeing the hurt in his eyes, but I am fucking pissed.
“You told me to wait for you. I did, I waited. You left me here by myself,” I am speaking so low I can barely hear myself.
He told me he would be back. He told me.
I believed him. He told the truth—he is back—so why I acting like this?
Why am I so unhinged? It’s because I am fucking sober, that’s why.
It is because for the last fourteen years I wasn’t sober and now I am, and I’m fucking feeling everything and, honestly, I don’t know what I am feeling.
I don’t know what I am doing, and I don’t know who the fuck I am.
“Jennifer, I’m sorry,” Ethan says in a pained voice, making my heart ache.
He takes another step towards me which makes me take another step back right into the wall.
I shouldn’t act like this. I shouldn’t be mad at him, but I am. I am because he is the one that made me feel like this—wanting him, needing him. Then he fucking left me just like everyone else has left me, left me with my father, left me alone with those men.
Everyone leaves me. I can’t take it from him. I can’t fucking take it.
“Leave,” I state as sternly as I can.
Ethan’s eyes widen. “What?” he asks in the same pained voice. Making my heart ache even more.
“Leave!” I scream, pointing at the door.
I feel the cold wall against my back as I slowly slide down the wall. As my butt hits the ground, I pull my legs up to my chest and wrap my arms tightly around my knees.
“Please, Ethan, just go. You’re going to leave me anyways, just do it now. Just get it over with,” I whisper, allowing the tears to escape and roll down my face.
“Jennifer,” he whispers as he slowly makes his way over to me. I want to back away, but I can’t. The wall is stopping me so I do the only thing I can do—I tighten my arms around my legs as I watch him kneel in front of me.
“I am not going anywhere. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to be gone that long.” He is calm, kind, and gentle, even after I just freaked out on him for no reason.
I don’t respond, I just continue to look into his eyes.
I honestly don’t know what I need right now but I do know that I don’t really want him to go.
I just said it because I was pissed, pissed at myself more than him.
Being sober, being normal, shouldn’t be this fucking hard, but it is hard for me.
I don’t know how to act or be or what the fuck to do with myself and when Ethan is not here, I feel like I am losing myself, and he is my only foundation. I’m scared.
I take a deep breath. “I’m scared, Ethan,” I tell him in a shaky voice.
I have been locked up, used and abused for so long that honestly, I don’t know how to act. I am only used to men wanting my body or wanting to harm me that I don’t know what to do with Ethan being like this.
“Honey, I am right here.” I close my eyes. I feel his hands and strong arms. He gently but easily pulls me into his arms. I grab onto his shirt and shove my face into his chest as he stands up and makes his way across the room.
He slowly takes a seat holding me tightly in his arms. He acts as if I weigh nothing, that holding me is the easiest and most natural thing to him.
I take in a deep breath, once again becoming consumed by his scent.
I feel my heart starting to slow down and my body begins to relax and melt against his body.
Ethan leans in and gently places his lips against my ear. “I’m sorry I left, he whispers, his breath warming my cold skin.
I don’t respond, just take another deep breath as I listen to his steady heartbeat.
“I will never leave you, Hon, never,” he confesses with so much confidence I feel more tears escape my eyes.
“Promise?” I ask, pulling back from his chest.
I lock eyes with him, and he slowly nods. “I promise.” he reassures with just as much confidence that it makes my heart ache for a whole new reason.
I believe him.
I trust him.
“What happened?” I ask the question, but I am scared to know the answer.
Whatever happened kept him away for hours which means it wasn’t something good, and the way he looked when he walked into my apartment tells me that he is worried.
He takes a deep breath and leans forward resting his forehead against mine. We both sit in silence. I can tell he is trying to find the right words. And I am trying to have the patience for the answer.
“Tristan Pierce,” Ethan whispers.
I feel my entire body stiffen. My heart stops. My breathing stops. Ethan slowly pulls back and studies my face for a moment.
“What did you just say?” I ask, needing validation that I heard him right and that my mind is not playing tricks on me.
Ethan searches my eyes for a moment and my heart sinks into my stomach. “Tristan Pierce was at the front gates.”
Before I can even say anything, I am out of his arms and pacing. Ethan slowly stands up from the chair but I back away again, a gesture I hate, but, honestly, it is the only thing I know how to do. Back away and don’t get close. Even when I want to get close.
My heart is racing with Ethan’s words. I should have just stayed. If I had stayed at the studio and kept taking like a good little girl none of this would be happening. The other women here wouldn’t now be in danger because of me.
Tristan Pierce is one of the most dangerous men I have ever met. He comes from old money. And his family is so deep into the mob life that I can’t even tell you when it started. But I know that his family is feared and respected by criminals and everyone else in between.
Tristan has been coming to my father for years. watching me, using me. He has been trying to convince my father to sell me to him. But my father always refused. I was making him too much money. But now... Now that I ran, my father must have finally said yes and took Tristan’s money for my life.
“Jenn, talk to me” Ethan says, pulling me out of my thoughts.
I stop pacing and as soon as I do Ethan closes the distance between us stopping right in front of me. He keeps his hands at his sides, but I can still feel the warmth from his body.