Chapter Twelve
J ennifer
I reach over on the bed to feel Ethan, but he is gone. His spot is empty and cold telling me that he hasn’t been by my side in a while. I take a deep breath, feeling my heart already starting to race.
I am worried about him, so fucking worried.
What he did for me is something I will never be able to repay him for.
People might think I am fucked up for being okay with my boyfriend killing my father.
But I am glad he is dead. I wish I was there to see the look on his fucking face when he finally realized it was going to be his last moment.
Boyfriend. I am thinking of Ethan as a boyfriend. The fuck? Boyfriend doesn’t even begin to explain what Ethan is to me.
I slowly sit up and shake my head, my racing thoughts already starting to come back.
My body is still going through withdrawals.
They come and go. And, honestly, the craving and urge to go use just seems to be getting worse.
I should be happy. Happy that my father is not making me get high.
But at the same time the high was the only thing that was constant in my life.
The only thing I could rely on. And now it is gone and my body and brain hate me for not giving it what it wants more than anything.
But my heart wants Ethan, my soul wants Ethan.
And I refuse to give into the one thing that would take me from him.
He is fighting so hard to save me from men that are trying to take me from him, the least I can fucking do is make sure my addiction to heroin doesn’t take me from him. I can do this, I know I can. My love for him is stronger than my love for the drugs.
I look around the bedroom. It’s empty. He must not have been able to turn off his thoughts to get sleep. He must not have been able to shake the feeling in his gut that we are not safe.
I know he fears that he just started a war. But the war has been going on for a while, a war that we all have been a part of.
I take a deep breath and grab the sheet, wrapping it tightly around me. I slowly get up from the bed and make my way into the hallway. The apartment is quiet, the only sound I can hear is that damn clock on the wall.
Silence still makes me uncomfortable. I am so used to the chaos, screaming, cussing, and crying that things being this quiet makes me feel like I am living in a dream.
A dream that terrifies me because I don’t want to wake up, but I know soon real life will come and slap me across the face.
Real life will soon be whispering in my ears, laughing at me, for it sees that I am trying to live a life that will never be mine.
I take a deep shaky breath and tighten the sheet around my naked body.
I can still feel Ethan’s breath on my skin, his lips against mine, his fingertips gently moving down my body.
He consumes me even when he is not around.
He is a dream I never want to wake up from.
And I fear that I won’t be able to keep.
Just like the rest of my dreams that will never come true.
At any moment I feel like he is going to slip from my hands, and I will never be able to get him back.
I slowly make my way down the hallway into the living room and feel the mixture of the hot and cold breeze from the cracked door.
Normally I would fucking freak out. But I know it is Ethan.
He would never just leave me with the door open.
Every second I spent with him is helping me heal from my trauma and understand that not everything is what I think it is and there is nothing to fear with him by my side.
He has proven to me that a man can be trusted.
He has crashed through my walls, and I am completely fucking naked and bare with him.
There is nothing he doesn’t see. And even if I wanted to put the walls back up, he would just crash through them again.
Because we are both addicted to each other in a very toxic and crazy way.
Our love is twisted and wrong. And that alone makes me want it even more.
I make my way to the cracked door and gently push it open a little more. Ethan is leaning on the railing wearing only his sweatpants. Showing off his naked muscled back covered in tattoos. He doesn’t have to do anything and he makes my heart stop.
He is looking out at the forest. His breathing is calm and even. He is fucking gorgeous in the moonlight, showing off every one of his muscles and perfect skin. If I didn’t know him, I would think he was a fucking angel.
He is an angel, my angel. My savior in so many ways—even though I still try to push him away. He is always right there waiting and wanting me. He doesn’t sway. His love is as constant as my heroin use was. He is now my daily and minute-by-minute fix.
I make my way out of the doorway and walk up behind him. He doesn’t turn around even though I know he knows I am here. We always know when the other one is near—it is a weird thing, but a feeling I can’t get enough of.
I release my hold on the sheet and wrap my arms around his waist. I rest the side of my face against his warm skin as the sheet falls to the ground.
I shouldn’t be out here like this. I know all of my scars are showing right now.
Showing the evidence of what I have lived through.
It makes me nervous and anxious knowing someone might see me, but Ethan has taught me that my scars, my body, are nothing to be ashamed of.
Most people would turn away from me or look at me with disgust, but not Ethan.
Never Ethan. The way he looks at me makes me stop breathing.
The way he looks at me, the way he touches me with such longing and desire—it is a high the heroin could have never given me. It is a high that only Ethan can give me. I feel him straighten up as he places his hands on my arms, the warmth from his skin starting to spread against mine.
“Hey, sweetheart,” he whispers softly in that low dark sexy voice that I don’t even think he realizes he does. It is just him, always him. He never has to try because he is perfect just the way he is. I wouldn’t fucking change a thing.
I tighten my arms around him. “Hey, baby, are you okay?” I ask softly, listening to his heartbeat.
Ethan takes a deep breath. I feel his heart speeding up a little. “Yeah, I’m okay. Shawn was here, we talked.” His heartbeat starts going back down to normal.
I don’t respond. He will tell me what he wants me to know and the things he doesn’t he will keep to himself.
I have learned that Ethan and I are a lot alike that way.
We share what we feel we need to, and we keep the rest to ourselves.
With us it just works. I don’t need his words to know what he is thinking.
His touch tells me all I need to know. He is struggling with what he will have to do soon—he is worried about his family and about me. He is fighting a war inside himself. A war I know he will win.
I feel Ethan move a little and pull back my face and release my hold around him.
He quickly turns around and faces me. His hands are at his sides.
His breathing is still steady and calm as he searches my eyes for a moment.
I feel my heart starting to race as his eyes slowly look up and down my body.
His eyes lock with mine for a moment, then he grabs onto my arms as he turns us around to where I am now standing in front of the railing.
“Let me show you how much I love and need you right now,” he growls in a low dark voice.
He forces me to turn around. He releases his hold on me.
I lean forward and grab onto the railing as I feel his legs go between mine forcing me to open them wider for him.
He walks into me and I can feel his hard dick against me as he pulls down his sweats allowing them to fall to the ground.
He puts his hand on my stomach and makes me arch my back.
I feel the tip of his dick at my entrance as he leans over me, placing one of his hands over mine on the railing, holding it tightly. The metal starts to hurt my skin causing my heart to race even more.
I feel him lean into me more, his dick slowly entering me. He quickly fills me making me moan. As I lean more, my head falls down and I tighten my hands on the railing as he completely leans over me, his naked body on mine. He puts his right hand on top of mine. making sure I can’t move.
He leans in placing his lips against my ear.
“Don’t scream,” he whispers into my ear as he tightens his hands on top of mine.
He starts to push in and out of me at a painfully slow but intoxicating pace making sure I fucking feel him.
I feel my heat wrap around him as he starts to push into me harder. Faster.
He won’t be able to keep this pace for very long because, just like me, I know when he is about to break and lose all sense of control. He keeps his lips against my ear and I feel his breath on my skin as he lets out his own whisper of a moan.
Neither of us wants others to see us like this.
But, fuck, it is hard not to scream. He starts to pick up his pace making another moan escape my lips, but before I can let it out completely, his right hand is covering my mouth as he completely loses fucking control.
I feel him lift his left hand. He grabs onto my throat as I tighten my grip on the metal railing.
With Ethan it is easy to give up control to him.
Feeling his hand over my mouth and on my throat makes my eyes roll back into the back of my head.
He makes the control and possessiveness hot as fuck and sexy as hell.
He makes me want more and more of him. Of him taking me, claiming me, reminding me that I am the only one he wants like this.
His scent completely makes my senses go nuts. “Marry me, sweetheart,” he whispers into my ear.
I feel my heart race. My knees begin to shake as he slowly removes his hand from my mouth and puts it back on mine.