CHAPTER 2
ADDY
“Look at me!” I jolted at the barked command, my eyes shooting open and panic filling me instantly. I looked around me frantically as my heart pounded so hard it was making me feel light headed. The first thing I realize is that I’m naked. The next is that I know exactly where I am. I look up slowly, not wanting to see the face that I know will meet mine.
Dark eyes, wrinkles on the cold, hard face. Dark slicked back hair, dotted with gray. My father.
“I think I’m going to enjoy this,” he sneered. Oh God! This is where I was before. This is where the memory stopped last time!
Only it doesn’t stop this time. Joseph – I can’t think of him as my father. I can’t go there – grabs the top of my arm roughly and all but drags me from the opulent lounge and down a hallway.
“Please, d-don’t do this,” I whimper as I fight with everything I have to escape the grip he has on me, but he just sneers at me as he opens a wide oak doorway and throws me into the room before him. I land in a heap on the floor, my already injured body screaming at me in pain, but I need to stay focused, so I look up and ignore the pain, my eyes landing on the monster coming into the room and closing the door, with the click of a lock.
I tell myself to move, to run! I’m screaming in my head that this man – this evil monster – is my damned sperm donor, and I know I have to get away, but this isn’t just a nightmare. It’s a memory of what happened to me. One I can’t seem to alter or affect in any way. All I can do is watch, feel, and relive every terrifying second.
“I knew you’d give me a fight tonight,” Joseph said as he crouched beside me and ran a hand through my hair. “You’re pretty, but I saw that fire in your eyes. You’re tough too, just begging to be broken.” With the last word, he wraps my long hair around his fist and wrenches me closer to him until my face is almost nose to nose with him. “Do you know who I am?” he asked.
“N-no,” I whimper, the pain in my scalp burning.
“You will. One day. When that day comes, remember this moment and know that I am always in control!”
I had no idea what he meant by that, but I didn’t have time to consider it. He slammed my head to the hard stone floor, hitting it so hard against the tile, that everything around me dimmed. By the time the fuzz in my head cleared enough for me to become cognizant, I was laid on a bed, my wrists and ankles bound and restrained to the tall metal bed posts at each corner. I pulled against them as I lifted my head.
“Good, this will be much more fun if you’re with me enough to scream properly,” Joseph remarked. I found him stood at the foot of the bed. His shirt was gone and he stood in only his black trousers, a black leather bag opened before him on the bed between my legs.
As he started to pull items from the bag, tears filled my eyes and rolled down my cheeks. My whole body was trembling and I wanted to scream, but what would be the use? No one was coming to save me. I knew that. I couldn’t escape, couldn’t fight.
The sight of a long leather whip following the multiple torture looking devices he had already lined up on the foot of the bed, was more than I could handle and I closed my eyes. I didn’t want to see any more. He was going to hurt me, but I refused to let him have the terror he clearly hoped to inflict on me with his little show of implements.
“Time for that lesson I promised you, little girl,” he hissed, so close to me I felt his breath on my ear. “Remember, I’m always in control and I never, ever lose,” he added. I jolted at the feel of his cold hand sweeping down my abdomen.
The jolt awoke me sharply and I sat up and looked around me in a wild haze of panic. My room. I was home. I was safe.
“Addy. It’s okay, beautiful. We’re right here. You’re okay,” Jordan told me in a rush as he jumped up from the chair he’d been sat in, beside the bed, and came to my side, sitting on the edge of the bed but not touching me.
“Deep breath, baby. You’re home,” Adam added as he leant forward in the chair he was in and grabbed my shaking hand.
“I’m just going to put my arm around you, okay?” Jordan asked, and I nodded. I was too breathless to tell him I wanted his touch desperately. I needed it to feel grounded again.
As Jordan wrapped me in both of his arms and pulled me into his side, I pulled on Adam’s hand until he got to his feet and climbed onto the bed too.
“You want me closer, honey?” he asked as he paused on his knees near the foot of the bed.
“Please,” I squeaked, and then he was right there, at my other side, wrapping himself around me too. With the heat and strength of the both of them caging me in, I felt safe enough to focus on calming my breathing, but the nightmare was still in my head, playing over and over again. Joseph – my own father - had dragged me to that room to torture me. Did he know who I was? Was that what he meant? It had to be, didn’t it? But I didn’t understand. He wanted me to know that he was always in control, but what did that matter now? He was dead. The only reason he’d been in control that day was because he was a monster and I had no chance for escape from him.
“You need to let whatever you’re thinking about right now go, princess. You’re panicking again,” Jordan prompted, pulling me from my confusing and dark thoughts and back into the room.
“Just focus on us, Addy. Focus on our arms around you. Focus on Jordans breathing and try to copy it, okay? We’re here. No one will ever hurt you while we’re here,” Adam promised.
“I moved a shaky hand onto Adam’s forearm, and wrapped my other around Jordan’s bicep, burying myself even tighter against him and trying to listen for the sounds of his steady breaths over my own frantic gasps. Adam was wrapped around both of us, making me feel exactly what he had said – that no one could ever get through him to hurt me.
It felt so right between them, but I couldn’t ignore the nagging thought that something was missing. Or someone. Kane. I wanted him there too. I wanted them all holding me. I didn’t understand why, but I needed him there too, and I hated that he wasn’t.
“You’re doing so good, princess,” Jordan whispered and I felt him place a kiss on the top of my head. My breathing was slower and less panicked and the images in my head were receding as I managed to take back some control of my mind.
“I’m okay,” I whispered when I felt steady enough to talk. I lifted my head and looked to Jordan. He forced a smile for me, but it didn’t hide the stress and worry on his handsome face. “Are Asher and Eli okay?” I asked. I hadn’t spoken to them since we left their offices, and I knew what I had told them had to be really hard to hear. Joseph Lyle was their father too – one who actually raised them. To find out he could do that to innocent people – to his own daughter – it had to rock them pretty hard.
“They’re worried about you, but they’re okay. They sat with you earlier, but I made them both go and sleep,” Adam told me. When I turned to him he looked exhausted and pale.
“Have you slept?” I asked. “You look tired.” I reached a hand up and ran it over the stubble on his chin.
“I’m fine. No worrying about me.”
“Did you have another nightmare?” Jordan asked. They had released me a little so I could sit up and see them both, but I was glad they hadn’t let me go.
“Yeah,” I nodded. “A memory…or more from the flashback earlier.”
“You saw more?” Adam asked. I saw the way he looked worriedly from me to Jordan and back.
“I can’t talk about it yet,” I whimpered as I pressed my face into Jordan’s chest again.
“Sshh baby. You don’t have to,” Adam soothed as he ran his huge hand over my back gently. “Tell us what you need.”
“I want to shower,” I replied, my skin feeling like it was crawling, after the feel of Joseph touching me.
“You sure you’re up to that?” Jordan asked.
“Don’t care,” I shrugged. “I…I can feel him….his hands. I n-need to wash it away.”
“Okay, beautiful. We’ll make it work,” Jordan promised, sealed with another kiss on my head.
“Let’s get you up and see how you’re feeling,” Adam suggested as he slid from the bed and stood. He came around to Jordan, as I shoved away the comforter, and let Jordan help me get up too.
“I’m okay,” I assured them as I held Jordan’s hand but remained steady on my feet. “I’m good,” I added as I let his hand go.
“You sure? It’s hours since you last ate. You’re not shaky?” Adam worried.
“I slept for hours. I’m fine,” I told them as I looked to the window and saw it was dark outside.
“Okay. Go take a shower then. Jordan can stay out here just in case you need him. I’ll go and fix you something to eat,” Adam instructed. I nodded and watched as Adam strode from the room, closing the door quietly behind him.
“Come on. Let’s get the shower warmed up for you,” Jordan said as he took my hand in his again and pulled me to the adjoining bathroom. I leant back against the vanity, and watched as he leaned into the huge shower cubicle and set the water running, crashing down to the tile from the overhead rainfall shower head.
“You sure you can manage? I can stay and help. I’ll close my eyes. Promise,” he told me with a sweet smile.
“I’m sure,” I whispered, but I couldn’t stop myself from pushing off of the counter and taking a couple of steps towards him. I wrapped my arms around his waist and held him tightly. His spicy aftershave was faint, but there still. I just felt at home in his arms as he returned my hold just as tightly. I wanted to say something to make him understand how grateful I was to have him there with me, but I didn’t even know where to begin. He had done so much for me. They all had, and I knew how incredibly lucky I was to have them all.
“I think I needed that,” Jordan sighed when I started to pull away.
“Me too,” I agreed. “Thank you.”
“Don’t thank me for that. You can have hugs whenever you want, beautiful,” he told me with a wink. “Jump in and get warmed up. I’ll be right outside, so just call if you need me, yeah?”
“I will,” I agreed. As soon as Jordan closed the bathroom door I stripped everything off and stepped into the steam filled shower. I washed quickly, but thoroughly, needing to feel clean and wash away the feel of those cold hands all over me. I shampooed and rinsed my hair, not even bothering with conditioner. I felt jittery alone and I wanted to get back to Jordan and Adam. I knew alone, in the quiet, it was the perfect opportunity for a flashback, or for those demons in my head to get to me, and I wasn’t strong enough to allow either of those things to happen. Not then. Maybe not ever.
Would I ever come back from seeing the remainder of that memory when it all fully returned? Would I ever recover from seeing my own father torture me? A sob escaped me at the thought of what more I could recall. Would he have laid hands on me? Would he have raped his own child?
Stop thinking! I yelled in my head as I pushed back any more sobs that tried to break free. I couldn’t fall apart. If I did, I really wasn’t sure there would be any more piecing myself back together ever again.
“Addy, you okay?” Jordan called through the door, his voice only just audible over the cascading water..
I began to say ‘yes’ because it was my automatic response, but then I remembered what Kane had told me, about relying on the people I trusted when things just felt insurmountable.
“No,” I replied instead. “Can you…will you come in here and just talk to me…but close your eyes!” I added the last in a panic, not wanting him to see the scars and wounds still healing on my back, wrists, and ankles.
“I’m here, and my eyes are closed,” Jordan said moments later. I turned and saw him in the room, facing the door with a hand over his eyes. He was sweet. Just one of those measures would have set me at ease enough, but he had done all three.
“Sorry,” I told him. “It’s just too n-noisy in my head. I need something else to focus on.”
“No apologies,” he told me firmly. “What do you want to talk about?”
“You. Adam. Just anything to keep my mind busy.” I grabbed the shower gel and started washing myself again. I didn’t feel clean yet, and I was able to take a little longer washing, now I wasn’t alone.
“I’m going to do some volunteer work at a community center in the city this week,” he began.
“That sounds good. What will you be doing?”
“The kids that go there are mainly teenagers. The center gives them a place to get off of the streets and something to do. I was thinking about maybe starting a few sports up. They have the space and we all donated a ton of equipment last year. Maybe basketball, and I was thinking I could run some football drills too. I’d have to speak to the woman who runs it, I guess.”
“That sounds great. I think you’d be so good with kids. You’re so patient,” I told him honestly.
“Adam suggested it and I like the idea. I was thinking, maybe if it works out, I could look into opening something similar myself. I’d need investors and stuff, but Ash and Eli have a ton of contacts.”
“You think you’d enjoy that?” I knew he’d hated his previous job.
“Yeah, I do. I just want to do something meaningful and this would give me that, plus I have the experience in sport and a business degree to handle that side of things. It makes sense I guess. It’s probably a dumb idea. I’ve just been thinking.”
“I don’t think it’s dumb. I think it sounds amazing and I know you could do it. I’d help too, if you wanted me to? I’m useless at sport, but maybe I could help with the business side of things.”
“Really?”
“Really. I mean, I don’t have any experience, but I need to find something to do, and like you said, a program like you mentioned would be rewarding and important work. I like the idea of being part of it.” I said honestly. It really did appeal to me. I wasn’t sure I could handle a real job, but if I could work with Jordan, that would help, wouldn’t it?
“That would be awesome, princess. The whole idea is pretty pie in the sky right now, but if I know I don’t have to do it alone, that makes it less scary.”
“Like you’re scared of anything,” I scoffed.
“I’m scared of plenty.”
“Maybe I could come with you next week, if that would be okay? See what this center is like and what they do?” I suggested shyly.
“Definitely. I’ll speak to Ash and Kane, and clear it with them. I’m so much more excited about all of this now, Addy. Thank you,” he gushed, happiness in his voice.
“Me too,” I agreed with a genuine smile. My demons were quiet and the nightmare was gone as I already started thinking up what would need to be done to raise funding for such a venture.
I shut off the water and stepped out of the shower, quickly wrapping myself in a towel, and another around my hair.
“You okay? Still feeling steady?” Jordan asked with concern.
“I’m a little shaky, but I’m good,” I replied honestly. “I’m also covered now,” I added as I placed my hand on his wide shoulder to steady myself.
He turned and smiled broadly as he took my hand in his. He was always handsome, but when he smiled it was like something magical happened, and everything just seemed better and brighter.
“You should just be a model,” I sighed a little dreamily.
“That a compliment, princess?”
“Of course it is. Look at you! You’re gorgeous. There’s not a runway on this earth that wouldn’t want you gracing it,” I told him with a wave of my arms up and down his taut, perfect body.
“Glad you think so, babe,” he told me with a cheeky wink. Then suddenly I was midair. I squealed as he lifted me into his arms bridal style and covered my cheeks and forehead with pecks of his lips.
I was laughing hard by the time he stopped, my hands on his shoulders and clutching him tightly.
“You’re so beautiful when you smile like that,” he told me as he looked into my eyes, all of the playfulness gone and replaced by heat, both in his eyes, and shooting down my own body.
“I really want to kiss you right now,” I whispered a little breathlessly.
“No complaints here.”
“You know I can’t, Jordan,” I sighed as I forced myself to look away from his intense gaze.
“I know the only thing stopping you is yourself and the crazy thoughts going on in here,” he said as he tapped my temple, holding my entire weight in just one arm.
“I can never be what you need.”
“You’re already everything I need, Addy. If this is all we can ever have, then I’ll take it. I’m falling for you so damned hard.”
“I think I’m falling for you too,” I admitted. “But everything is just so complicated.”
“Then talk to me. We’ll uncomplicate it together,” he almost pleaded.
“I can’t. I’m sorry. I just…I can’t.”
“Then I’ll wait, as long as it takes. I’m not going anywhere unless you tell me to,” he told me firmly.
“I don’t want you to go anywhere.” I had no idea how anything could ever work between us. There were so very many obstacles to overcome, not least of which the fact that I had feelings not only for Jordan, but for Adam and Kane too. It was a mess. One I just didn’t have the energy to try and unravel at that point, no matter how much I may want to.
“Addy?” We both turned and looked to the door of my room as Asher came in. He was dressed in sweatpants and a T-shirt, his hair wild and messy. He looked pale and I instantly worried even more about him.
“Asher. Are you okay?” I gasped as I moved for Jordan to put me on my feet. He obliged and I ran right over to Asher wrapping my arms around him. “Have you eaten or slept?” I worried as I looked up at him, refusing to release him.
“Stop fussing. I’m fine. It’s you I’m worried about. I thought I heard you cry out?” He wrapped an arm around me, but his whole body was tense as he looked down at me.
“I was laughing. I’m good,” I reassured him.
“You’re sure?”
“I had a nightmare, but Jordan and Adam took care of me. Then Jordan made me laugh. Hard to believe, I know,” I joked.
“A nightmare? Did you remember more?” he asked as he frowned.
“A little,” I nodded.
“She’s not up to talking about it yet, Ash,” Jordan stepped in, and I felt him close at my back.
“Of course. You tell me when you feel ready, sweetheart.”
“Is Eli okay?” I asked.
“He’s upset. We both are, but mainly we’re worried about you.” Asher released himself from my hold and pulled me to the end of my bed, where we both sat. Jordan said something about checking on Adam, then disappeared, leaving Asher and I alone.
I placed a hand on his arm and waited for him to speak, sensing there was something he wanted to say, but he was struggling and after several moments I spoke instead.
“I’m sorry, Asher,” I told him.
“Sorry? What on earth for?” he gasped as he lifted his head and looked to me.
“For having to tell you what I did about your dad. For bringing you more stress and upset.”
“No, Addy. Never. You never apologize for any of that. Do you hear me? None of what happened to you was your fault, and nothing that comes from that time is either. Joseph Lyle was a fucking monster. I will never think of him or refer to him as my father again. That – everything he did, all of the evil in him – it’s on him. You never take even one iota of that on your shoulders. You were an innocent victim who somehow found the strength to fight and survive. All you should feel, about any of the time with those monsters, is pride that you lived and stayed strong.”
“I’m worried about you and Eli though,” I sighed.
“We’ll be fine. We were both just a little scared that you’d hate us after getting that memory back, I think. I’ve been so worried you’d push me away the second you saw me.”
“Of course I wouldn’t. I know you’re not like him, Asher. Neither of you are. I would never blame you for what he did, nor would I tar you with the same brush as him. He was a monster, like you said. You and Eli, you’re everything he could never be – good, honest, loyal, and caring. You’ve done nothing but make me feel safe and loved. I could never hate either of you. I love you both, so much,” I explained tearfully.
“We love you too, sweetheart.” He pulled me into his arms and held me as his body finally relaxed against me. Was that what he was worried about? How could he ever think I’d hate him? Hate either of them?
“We’ll all be okay, won’t we? We can get past this?” I worried.
“I won’t allow it to be any other way. I promise you that.”