CHAPTER 7
ADDY
“Do you want to lie the way we were this morning?” Jordan asked as we walked into my room and he closed the door behind us.
“This morning seems like so long ago,” I whispered, still feeling shaken, my stomach churning violently with worry for Asher.
“It’s been a hell of a day,” Jordan agreed as he appeared beside me and wrapped his arms fully around me from the side. “Have you slept at all tonight?”
“No,” I shook my head as I turned in his arms until I was facing him. “I’m afraid to.”
“That’s why you were up?”
“Yeah. I went to make some hot chocolate. I thought it’d warm me up. Then Kane came in, and Asher…” I groaned as I pressed my forehead to his chest and forced in a breath. “I kissed Kane,” I confessed, unable to hold it in, and feeling incredibly guilty about it after the way I had reacted to Jordan just trying to talk with me that morning. Jordan placed his fingers under my chin and lifted until our eyes met. “I didn’t mean to! It just happened.”
“Did you want it to happen?” he asked.
“I don’t know. Kane…we were talking and he just…he kissed me. I wasn’t expecting it, but it….it felt good,” I admitted. “Are you mad?”
“No, princess. I’m not mad,” he told me as he leaned in to kiss the top of my head.
“It won’t happen again. Kane…he won’t break his promise to Asher, even if I could get myself together enough to try anything with us.”
“Do you want to try something with Kane…like dating maybe?” Jordan asked, his voice remaining steady and calm. I worried he’d be annoyed with me, but he wasn’t.
“What I want, and what I’m actually capable of are two very different things, Jordan,” I sighed.
“But you want Kane, right?”
I growled as I pulled from his grip and turned my back on him, irritated we were right back where we’d been that morning.
“Yes! Is that what you want to hear? I like him, okay? I like him just the way I like you and Adam. I feel safe when I’m with him, just the way I do with you guys too. My heart races and I get all hot and bothered every time one of you even just speaks to me. Of course I want you all. Who wouldn’t? You’re all gorgeous, patient, and so sweet with me, but it can never happen and it hurts, Jordan!” I cried defeatedly. “Every time you bring it up like this, every time I want so badly to kiss you or Adam, and then tonight…the kiss with Kane – it all just taunts me with what I can’t have and it hurts so much!” My words broke at the end as my eyes filled with tears I refused to allow to fall.
“You’re the only one stopping you from having what you want right now, Addy.” Jordan was behind me again now, so close I could feel the heat of his body radiating into my frozen form. He rubbed his hands over my arms so softly it was like a whisper, and it soothed me for just a second, before reality kicked in again
“I can’t do it! Why can’t you understand that? I was raped Jordan, repeatedly! I don’t even know how many times! I was tortured! I cannot have a relationship! It won’t work!” My tears ran down my cheeks as I fought not to scream the words at him.
“Look at me,” Jordan commanded as he moved so he faced me. He dropped down to sit on the end of the bed and grabbed my hands, pulling me closer to him until I stood between his legs. I looked into his deep, dark eyes. “Think how you slept last night. You were laid on top of Adam, then on top of me. You relaxed against us and slept soundly. That day at the park we almost kissed, remember?” I nodded. That moment was hard to forget for me. It had been special. “You just kissed Kane. Were you scared? Did it cause any anxiety or a flashback?”
“No.”
“You know you can be close to all three of us, Addy, because you trust us. You know we’d never hurt you. I’m not saying that means you can jump right into bed with us. I know that will take a long time and a lot more trust, but we could get there one day, and until that day, why can’t we just try? We have feelings for you, all three of us. We want you, and you want us, right?”
“Yes.” There was no denying that.
“Then why can’t we just try? Wouldn’t you like more kisses like the one you shared with Kane? Wouldn’t it be good to go on dates and spend time getting to know each other? We don’t need more than that right now, at least I don’t, and I know Adam would agree. I just want you to give me – us – a chance. I’ve fallen so hard for you, and I can’t walk away. I don’t want to. If all we ever have is kisses and cuddles, it will be enough, Addy. I don’t need anything else as long as I have you.”
“And the others? Kane already said he can’t be with me.”
“Kane is an unknown right now, I’ll admit, but I know how Adam feels. I believe, as long as you’re good with dating both of us, Adam will be too.”
“It just seems so complicated. I shouldn’t even have feelings for all three of you, should I? That’s weird, isn’t it?”
“You feel how you feel, Addy. You love who you love. I don’t think we get much control over these things. We just have to go with them when they happen. Who’s to say what’s normal and what isn’t? As long as we’re happy and not hurting anyone, I believe we should all be free to love whoever and however we want to.”
“Well. I agree with that,” I said weakly.
“And the rest?” he asked hopefully.
“We need to speak to Adam, I guess,” I shrugged. “This is a lot and I want to be sure he’s even interested.”
“He is.”
“I’ll talk to him, but Kane’s out. I don’t want to force him into something he doesn’t want.” Why did those words hurt so damned much?
“You should still talk to him if things move forward. He should know from you that you’re dating Ad and I, if that’s what you decide,” Jordan pointed out, and I knew he was right. I owed Kane that much.
“I’m not agreeing yet, Jordan. I need to talk it through with Adam and there’s so much going on. I honestly don’t even know if it’s a good idea to try. What if I can never…you know? Be intimate. Guys need that, don’t they?” I was already starting to shake at just the idea of sex, even with the guys I had such intense feelings for. How could it ever be something I could bare to do again after I had been destroyed by it so many times before?
“Stop worrying so much. If we start to move forwards, it will be slowly, and at your pace. We’d never rush you into anything. You know that, don’t you?”
“Yeah,” I nodded firmly, because I did know that absolutely. Adam, Jordan, and Kane would never hurt me knowingly. That wasn’t my fear. My fear was failing them in an epic way and hurting them.
“Good.” Jordan got to his feet and kissed my temple. “Enough worrying for tonight then. You need to rest.” He pulled me to the bed and I watched as he climbed up and laid on his back, my hand still clutched in his.
He pulled me onto the bed after him and then I found myself laid over him, my head resting on his bare chest, just the way I had awoken the morning before. I sighed deeply, settled, and peaceful there with him despite the turmoil and confusion rushing through my thoughts.
“How did my life become this crazy?” I asked quietly.
“Right now, all you have to think about is sleeping. Forget everything else and just be here in this moment with me,” Jordan soothed as he wrapped one arm tightly around me and rubbed his free hand up and down my arm gently.
“I can do that,” I gave in as I closed my eyes and focused on nothing but his touch and the sound of his heart beating. Perfect moments like that almost made me forget about the hell that would await me with the next screaming nightmare or horrifying flashback. Being with the guys I was falling for almost made me feel like I was normal for once. I lived for those moments.
***
The sun was just starting to rise outside the bedroom window when I opened my eyes. I realized I must have forgotten to close the blinds in all the chaos of the previous day.
I was still laid out on top of Jordan, and he had both arms banded tightly around me as he quietly snored. I’d slept peacefully with no nightmares, so I was feeling a little better than I had before, but my throat was painful again, feeling like those shards of glass were back in there with every swallow I took.
As soon as I stirred, desperate to get up for a drink of water, Jordan gripped me even tighter and started to stir too. He opened one eye and glanced down at me, making me smile. He looked adorable all sleep mussed and drowsy.
“You okay?” he rasped.
“My throat. I just need some water. Go back to sleep,” I whispered.
“I can get it for you,” he released his grip and moved to grab me, but I sat up and slid from him quickly, stopping him.
“I’m okay. Promise,” I assured him as I ran a hand through his wild hair and smiled. “Sleep. It’s early.”
“’kay,” he sighed as he laid back again, his eyes already heavy. “Yell if you need me,” he uttered, but I was pretty sure he was asleep again before he finished the last word. I grabbed a blanket from the foot of the bed and covered him over, worried he’d feel cool without me crushing him. I couldn’t stop myself from bending down and placing a feather light kiss on his cheek.
He looked so peaceful and relaxed. I couldn’t stop my mind from wondering what it would be to wake up next to him on a regular basis, just like this moment.
That had my mind venturing further. What would a life with him and Adam be like? Could we have a future together? Would that kind of relationship allow us to have the ideal life I pictured for myself with a white picket fence, rockers on the porch, and maybe even a couple of adorable kids? I could picture it in my head.
Jordan and Adam would both be the most amazing fathers. I could see us all together, happy and in love, but there was someone else in my perfect scenario. Kane. I didn’t understand it, but part of me just felt the picture could never be complete without all three of the guys in it.
I sighed deeply as I pulled myself from my insane thoughts and got to my feet. I seriously needed to get it together. There were far bigger and more important things to worry about than my love life, like the fact part of our home was blown up the day before, or the countless powerful people likely planning my death as I stood day dreaming.
Since I didn’t have any of my clothes to change into, I skipped getting ready all together and instead just grabbed another blanket from the bed, wrapping it around myself.
Thankfully, I was less chilled than I had been the night before, but the apartment was still much cooler than the house I had come to consider my home.
I tiptoed down the long hallway and into the open plan living space. The sun was shining brightly through the huge windows, despite the fact the city below was blanketed in white.
I glanced to the sofa and was relieved to find Kane fast asleep, even if he did look a little awkward on the too narrow cushions. He needed to rest after all he’d been through the day before. I just wished he’d listened to Asher and stayed in one of the bedrooms, but knowing Kane he’d likely been too worried about security to do that.
Leaving him in peace I rounded a tall shelf unit that divided the spaces and headed for the kitchen.
“Hey Addy,” Adam whispered, startling me. I looked up and found him stood in the kitchen making coffee. Asher and Eli were up too, both of them seated at the counter in the clothes they’d obviously slept in and looking exhausted.
“You’re up early, sweetheart?” Asher said as he lifted his head and forced a smile for me. He looked pale and there were dark smudges under his eyes. It took me aback. I had never seen him look so unkempt. Even our stressful days in Vegas, he hadn’t looked this bad. And Eli wasn’t fairing much better, as he looked to me too, his eyes bloodshot, and thick stubble covering his jaw.
“Did either of you get any sleep at all?” I gasped as worry filled me.
“It was a tough night,” Eli told me with a yawn.
“We’re fine. Did you sleep? I didn’t hear you coughing much?” Asher asked, dismissing my concern.
“The coughing’s a bit better. I slept okay. It’s you I’m worried about,” I explained. My voice was hoarse and every word hurt, but there was no way I was giving either of them anything else to worry about.
“I’m so sorry about last night. I think it was the explosion. It must have stirred up some memories. It won’t happen again.” Asher was focused on me entirely as he spoke and all I could see on his face was embarrassment and guilt.
“I wasn’t scared, Asher.” I moved over and wrapped my arms around his shoulders in a hug. “I’d never be scared of you. I know you wouldn’t hurt me. I was just worried about you. The guys had to fight you to stop you and I didn’t want anyone to get hurt.”
“No one got hurt, baby. Asher’s just a tough sonofabitch and when he’s filled with adrenaline like he was last night, it’s not easy to take him down,” Adam explained.
“But is it safe to wake him like that? I thought you shouldn’t wake sleep walkers?”
“They have to, sweetheart. I can get really violent in the night terrors. The safest thing is to get me down and wake me up,” Asher told me as he patted my hand which rested against his chest, my arms still locked around his shoulders. “I want you to promise me you’ll get far away from me if that happens again. I could have really hurt you last night. I wouldn’t have meant to, of course, but when I’m like that I don’t see you. I see threats.”
“I couldn’t just leave you,” I gasped.
“You have to, shortcake. Asher’s right. He’s not himself when that happens and he’d never forgive himself if he hurt you. Adam, or Kane are the only ones who stand a chance against him. Maybe Jordan if there’s no alternative. Believe me. I’ve tried to wake him before and I barely got away.”
“Yes, and that’s why you are both to stay away from me if this ever happens again. Do you understand, Addy?” Asher asked firmly as he turned to stare at me.
“Fine, but I don’t like it,” I gave in.
“None of us like it. Luckily, it doesn’t happen so much nowadays,” Eli sighed.
“Here honey, take these for your throat and I’ll make you some lemon tea with honey. It sounds worse this morning.” Adam placed two pills and a bottle of water before Asher on the counter.
I nodded gratefully as I released Asher and sat on the seat between my brothers, swallowing down the pills with a sip of water. It hurt like hell to swallow, but I hoped the pills would help.
“So, what’s the plan then?” I asked, addressing the elephant in the room when silence descended.
“I have some friends arriving this morning. They’re all ex-military, and I served with two of them. They’re going to look into finding out who set up that explosion, hopefully get us a lead to work with,” Asher explained.
“I thought we knew who did it? It was someone who attended those sick parties, right?”
“We need to know who specifically, sweetheart. I need to know who exactly we’re dealing with so we can keep you safe and neutralize the threat against you.” I swallowed deeply, just the idea of more of those sick perverted monsters coming for me again causing my anxiety to rear up and take a grip on me.
“We’re going to keep you safe, Addy. We have a ton of security outside that door. No one can get to you,” Eli assured me, obviously sensing my distress. He grabbed my hand in his and circled his thumb over the back of it soothingly.
“Eli’s right. I’ve asked Harris and his team to work with us too, until Kane’s back in action, just as an extra precaution,” Asher added.
“Are they in security or something too?” I questioned.
“Yes, but not personal protection like our guards. They work mainly with security systems, and provide security for clubs and bars – that kind of thing. They’re very good though. They dealt with a serial killer who was stalking their girlfriend last year.”
“Oh my God! Is she okay?” I gasped.
“She is now. The threat against her is gone. Nick shot him when he came after Evie at her family home.”
“They’re good guys, Addy. I didn’t get to meet them for long, but I liked them. And if Asher says they can help us, then they will,” Eli assured me.
“Wait. You said, ‘their girlfriend?’”
“Yes. They have a rather unique relationship. The four guys are all with Evie,” Asher explained, and I realized this was the relationship Jordan had mentioned to me the day before. The polyamorous relationship, a lot like the one Jordan wanted all of us to have.
I glanced up to Adam and found him watching me intently. I knew I turned bright red as I dropped my gaze as fast as I could and stared at my hand laid on the counter.
“Yeah. I…I think Jordan mentioned them,” I said quietly, not daring to look up again.
“The guys dropped Evie and their kid, Zack, off with Evie’s family in Chicago, then they’re coming here. I’m expecting them in a few hours.”
“They have a kid?” I looked up, my interest piqued, and caught Adam’s gaze again. He was watching me thoughtfully, and I blushed all over again. At this point I knew my face had to resemble a very red tomato.
“Zack’s Nick’s kid from before they met Evie, but they have custody of him now. He’s the sweetest little thing,” Eli gushed, his pale face lighting up.
“Hopefully they’ll help us clear this whole thing up,” Asher concluded.
“Here, Addy. Try this for your throat.” I looked up at Adam as he passed me a steaming mug. He was still looking at me like a puzzle he couldn’t solve, but he smiled reassuringly when I started to worry about what he was thinking. I thanked him and took a sip of the hot tea. It felt good as it slid down, the pain pills obviously kicking in too.
“When can we go home?” I asked next. The apartment we sat in was beautiful, but it wasn’t home.
“It’s going to take a few days at least. I have a construction crew there today, assessing the damage. The security system will need repairing too.”
“Jord and I will head over there today and get some clothes and things for you in the meantime,” Eli added.
“Is that safe?”
“I’ll have security following them too, and we have men stationed at the house, protecting it,” Asher replied.
“I want to come. It’ll be easier if I pack what I need,” I pointed out.
“I’d feel a lot better if you’d just stay here where I know you’re safe for now,” Asher sighed.
“No. I’m not letting those monsters make me a prisoner again, Asher. I’ll be careful, and I’ll do everything the security tell me to do, but I’m not hiding away. They took enough of my life. I won’t let them have any more,” I explained with a determination I hadn’t felt in some time.
“Fine,” Asher gave in as he ran a hand tiredly over his face. “I don’t like it, but I do understand. I’ll arrange more security to go with you all.”
“Thank you.” I was so grateful he understood I needed to keep my freedom as much as possible. I knew it would scare him to let me out of his sight and out in the open like that, but he was willing to do it for me and that meant so much.
“I’m going to change, then hit the gym. I need to get a work out in,” he said as he rose to his feet.
“You need to sleep. You look exhausted,” I countered.
“Maybe later. Stop worrying about me. I’m fine.” Asher kissed the top of my head, then headed for the bedrooms.
“He’s not fine,” I spoke up once I knew Asher was out of sight.
“No, he’s not, but he’ll be okay. He always is. He’s just terrified for you and stressed about what da…Joseph did. We both are. These last few days have been a lot, for all of us,” Eli explained. His voice sounded so flat for him and he just looked drained.
“Why don’t you head back to bed for a couple of hours, Eli? Addy’s fine without her stuff from the house for now, aren’t you?” Adam looked to me.
“Absolutely. I want to have some breakfast, and then maybe I’ll nap for a while too. I am tired,” I added, hoping it would convince Eli to rest.
“You’re sure you don’t mind?” Eli asked as he sat up and turned to me.
“I’m sure. Get some sleep, Eli, please. I’m worried about you too,” I pleaded.
“You don’t need to worry,” he assured me with a smile that didn’t reach his eyes. “But I will head back to bed. I was too worried about Asher to get back to sleep last night.”
“I’ll keep an eye on him,” Adam assured Eli.
Eli got to his feet and hugged me briefly before he turned and headed the way Asher had left in.
“How are you really doing?” Adam asked as soon as it was just the two of us.
“I’m keeping it together,” I shrugged. “I’m definitely worried about those two though. They’re whole lives have been shaken up because of me.”
“No, Addy. Not because of you. Because of Joseph fucking Lyle and the monsters he hung around with.”
“Just…” I had to pause to take a breath, my throat instantly getting tight. “Just don’t let them blame themselves, okay? If anything h-happens to me, don’t let them blame themselves.”
“What are you talking about? Nothing is happening to you,” Adam all but growled.
“These people, the ones who want to keep me quiet…they’re powerful. They have money, maybe even more than my brothers. If they want me gone, they’ll find a way.”
“They’re not getting to you. Do you hear me?” he snapped as he leaned on the counter opposite me and leaned in close. “We will never allow them to get to you again. We’re all going to keep you protected; your brothers, me, Jordan, Kane and the entire army of security Asher brought in. You’re safe and you’re staying that way.”
“I’m scared, Adam,” I admitted.
“I know, baby. We’re all scared right now. Ash and Eli are terrified of finding out just how deep Joseph was involved in all of this. Jord and I are terrified for the both of them because we know how much it could break them - their own father doing so much evil right beneath their noses. And all four of us are completely terrified that you’re at risk again, but we’ll get through all of it. We’ll find a way. We always do,” he told me firmly as he lay his huge hands over my much smaller ones on the counter.
“Do you think Joseph was involved deeply in those parties, and all they entailed?” I asked shakily.
“I think that man was never a part of anything he couldn’t have complete control of, and that worries me as much as it does Asher and Eli. We all knew the old man was an asshole, but we never even imagined him capable of all of this,” he sighed.
“Could he have had me taken? Is that why I was targeted? Did he w-want me to suffer like I did?” My words were squeaked out through a tight throat. I had never had a dad. It was never something I ever really thought much about either. I was too busy trying to keep my mom and me afloat to daydream about my dad being a prince who would come in and save me. But to discover the man who fathered me, had arranged for me to be kidnapped by sex traffickers, to be sold in to a life of abuse, rape, and terror – that hurt. That hurt a lot. He never even met me. How could he hate me that much?
“I want to say no, but I don’t think we can rule it out right now. Joseph Lyle was obviously a very sick, twisted bastard. Who knows what was going on in his deranged mind?”
I tried to take a deep breath to keep control of my rapidly spiraling anxiety, but it came back out all shaky.
“Hey, it’s going to be alright. He’s dead now and you’re safe here with all of us,” Adam said as he rounded the counter and pulled me into his strong arms, holding me tightly. “You have a home, a family and so many people who care about you now, Addy. You’re strong. You’ll handle whatever comes like the boss I know you are.”
I clung to him tightly, my hands filled with fistfuls of his shirt at his back as I pressed my face against his solid chest and just took some calm from his strength. He was wrong about me being strong, and I was pretty sure I was poorly equipped to handle whatever came next, but I did have people who cared now, and that knowledge helped. That was the only thing that helped me to hold onto the remaining fragments of my sanity.
“How about some breakfast?” Adam asked after a while. I took a deep breath and finally released his shirt, allowing him to step back. I didn’t want him to let me go, but I knew he needed to.
“No, thanks. I just said that to make Eli go and sleep. I can’t eat right now.” My throat hurt like hell and my stomach was twisted up into knots so tight it physically ached.
“You should eat, Addy. I have your meds, which you need to take.” He held up the huge box filled with pill bottles. He must have brought it from the house I realized. Just another reminder of how very broken I was.
“I’ll take them later,” I sighed. “Is there somewhere I can get some fresh air?”
“There’s a roof terrace, but it’s snowing out, and freezing,” he argued.
“Just for a few minutes. It helps me clear my head.”
“Do you want me to come with you?” he offered, but I shook my head.
“I just need some space.”
“Make sure you grab a coat from the closet. Yours is ruined. I had to throw it out, but Eli’s or Jordan’s should work for now,” he told me. “Your boots are in there too. Take the door off to the right of the entrance and it’ll take you right up there.”
“Thank you.” I turned to where he’d pointed and saw a large closet to the side of the entrance door, and beside it, another door that must lead up.
“Ten minutes, Addy. It’s too cold up there. If you’re not back I’m coming to get you,” he warned and I nodded as I got to my feet. I started to walk away, but Adam stopped me.
“I have to ask before you go, why was Jordan talking about Harris, Evie, and the other guys’ relationship, with you?” I turned back to face him and knew I was blushing again. I hadn’t expected him to ask me that so plainly.
“I think you know why,” I said eventually. It wasn’t like he was blind to what was going on between him, Jordan, and I. He had to know the feelings firing between us all.
“I hope Jordan isn’t pressuring you,” he questioned with some ire in his eyes.
“He’s not…not really, anyway,” I shrugged.
“What does that mean? What’s he said to you?” Adam rounded the counter again to come to me, but I held out a hand and he paused.
“Can we just not do this now? I’m really not feeling up to it, Adam. I’m sorry,” I told him honestly.
“Okay, but we do need to talk.”
“I know and I want to, but just not now, okay?” I forced a smile, and he nodded. I was relieved he understood, because I just didn’t have the strength to go into everything with him.
“Ten minutes,” he reminded me as I walked away from him and headed for the closet to grab a coat and my boots.
I barely made it up the steps to the roof terrace. I had no idea why I felt so tired when I’d gotten a good amount of sleep the night before, with Jordan.
It was a relief when I burst out through the fire door, and into the icy wind. The snow all around me was about half a foot deep as I stepped into it, and the wind was already biting at my face. Adam had been right. It was freezing, but also peaceful and serene. Everything up there was covered in snow, and with the sun shining down, it glistened.
I trudged through the untouched snow, leaving a trail of boot prints behind me as I made my way over to the edge of the building. There was a glass partition that surrounded the space, to make it safe, I supposed. It came to the top of my thighs, and as I leant over it I experienced a burst of adrenaline as I looked to the busy street so many levels below me. I’d never been afraid of heights, but then again, I was fairly sure I’ve never been that high up before.
I took a step back and breathed the cold air in deeply. It seemed to help with the tight grip my anxiety had on my chest and suddenly it felt a little easier to breathe again.
I closed my eyes as I wrapped my arms around myself tightly. It was so hard to think straight when there was so much going on in my head. Everything was just such a mess, and as desperate as I felt to try and find some order in the chaos, I just didn’t even know where to even begin.
Eli and Asher had had their entire lives turned upside down. Their family home had been reduced to ash and rubble, all to remove evidence of the hidden annex they never knew their father kept in the basement. My father. The man who took me to that private room at that sick party and tied me to a bed so he could torture me. What else did he do? Did he rape me? My own father? The thought alone made me feel nauseous. I was abused and tortured by so many men over those two years but the thought of it being my own father…It was too much. Just more terror and crippling confusion to add to the darkness that was still trying so desperately to drag me into the abyss, and drown me in it.
How was I supposed to keep myself in check enough to deal with the growing threat on my life, my insane feelings for the guys, and the very real fact I was way too broken and messed up to find any kind of future or life for myself? How was I supposed to keep on going and being okay when everything just kept on building and building? How could I stay strong enough not to be crushed under the weight of it all?
I wanted to be strong enough to be there for my brothers through all of the hell I knew they were about to face. I wanted to be strong enough to find the future I wanted for myself, and grab it. I wanted to be brave enough to find a way to go on, and give all of the monsters who tried to destroy me one almighty ‘fuck you’ with the amazing life I built for myself, but I just didn’t believe I could right then. It seemed impossible. I was scared, and I felt so very weak and drained. There was nothing left in the tank, and I had no clue how to replenish it.
“Addy?” I jolted and turned to the door where Adam stood with his arms folded over his chest to keep his hands warm. “Come on, baby. That’s enough for now. You must be frozen.”
“I’m okay.” If I were honest, I’d been too lost in my spiraling thoughts to even feel the cold.
“You’re not. You’re shivering. Get in here before I come out there in my socks and carry you in,” he added with much more command. Why was that making me feel all warm and tingly inside?
“Fine,” I groaned as I started tramping through the deep snow to get to him. As soon as I was close enough he gripped my hand, then looked to me with a growl.
“Your hands are like ice, Addy!” he exclaimed with annoyance. “No more going out there. You hear me? It’s too fucking cold.”
“Who died and made you my dad?” I joked, but paused when I realized exactly who my dad actually was.
“Some one has to keep an eye on you. You need to take better care of yourself,” he sighed as he slammed the door closed then started down the stairs, me trailing behind him with my hand still in his.
“It helps,” I tried to defend myself. “The fresh air and the cold. It’s the only way I can clear my head sometimes.”
“Then we need to make sure you have appropriate clothing. Trousers would be a good start,” he lectured as we reached the bottom of the stairs and walked back into the warmth of the apartment. I looked down and winced when I realized I was only wearing the shorts I’d slept in. They came to my knees, but they were thin. “I’ll make sure you have everything, including gloves and a warm hat, but I don’t want you going out there without telling one of us first, okay? We need to keep track of how long you spend out there.”
“You do realize I’m an adult, right?”
“I know, honey, and I’m not trying to patronize you. I know you can take care of yourself, but sometimes when you’re upset and struggling, it’s like you zone out and it scares me. That cold could kill you if you zoned out up there without one of us knowing.” He looked to me with so much emotion it had me feeling choked up. He cared about me so deeply. It was written all over his face and I felt bad for arguing with him. He was right of course. Once my anxiety and darkness took a grip on me I tended to lose the ability to think rationally.
“I’ll tell someone before I go out. I promise,” I whispered as I reached up on my tiptoes and kissed his cheek softly. “I’m sorry I worried you.”
“I’ll forgive you, this time.” He stepped back and seemed to give himself a shake. “Take off your boots and get wrapped up in a blanket on the sofa. I’ll make you some more tea. You ready to eat yet?”
I watched him as he walked away and back to the kitchen. He looked so handsome, even in the worn looking grey sweatpants and baggy t-shirt he’d obviously slept in. His body was sculpted to perfection, muscles visible everywhere you looked. My heart pounded hard after just the minimal contact we’d shared, and again, I found myself considering what Jordan had proposed.
I didn’t know if the relationship he’d suggested was feasible, but I could certainly get used to being able to cuddle up against and kiss the both of them whenever I wanted. I would have loved to be able to stop fighting my feelings for both of them all of the time and just embrace them instead. The problem remained though. Those feelings within me weren’t just for two people. They were for three, and it just didn’t feel right to eliminate Kane from the picture. I didn’t think I could, even if I knew I should.