CHAPTER 18
ADDY
“Jesus fucking Christ!” I turned at the curse and smiled a little when I saw Adam hurrying towards me, his arm wrapped around himself and his hands tucked into his armpits. It was little wonder since he was wearing shorts, likely coming from the gym, with just a hooded sweater. “It’s fucking freezing out here!” he gasped as he stepped up into the gazebo and kicked the snow from his sneakers against one of the posts.
“Well, don’t come out in shorts then,” I laughed.
“I had to. Kane text me to come and get you. and he was pissed. He got an alert on his phone as soon as you stepped out of the door. He doesn’t want you out here,” Adam explained, his breath visible in the frigid air with every word.
“He’s in a meeting. He told me this morning,” I argued. I had woken that morning securely pressed between Kane and Jordan. My meltdown the night before and the memory that had caused it returned quickly too, and I had been mortified to discover the guys had been forced to take care of me when I zoned out to escape the pain of it all.
The guys had tried to cover it, but I had seen the worry and fear for me all over their faces, and I knew I’d terrified them. That was why I had pushed thoughts of the nightmare from my mind, and focused on reassuring them I was doing better. I had smiled in the right places and somehow managed to hide all of my inner turmoil, at least enough for them to leave me to shower and dress while they did the same.
By the time I’d gotten to the kitchen, Kane and Jordan had filled everyone in on the events of the night before, so I then had five panicked faces watching my every move with caution. Kane had almost cancelled the meeting he had scheduled at the office building in the city, with the heads of security at the other Lyle buildings across the country, but I had convinced him I was fine, and Adam and Jordan had promised they’d keep an eye on me. I might have been mad about them assuming I needed to be watched out for, but how could I after the night before?
Now Kane and Asher were at the Lyle building in the city, Eli had retreated to his studio on the top floor, and Jordan and Adam had been in the gym. That had been my chance for escape, but not for long apparently.
“He is. That’s the only reason he hasn’t charged right back here himself,” Adam said, pulling me back to the conversation.
“I’m fine. I just needed some air. I have all the gear on. See?” I opened my arms to show him I had on the new insulated puffer coat Eli had ordered for me, my boots, gloves, hat, and even a scarf. Underneath it were jeans and a sweater. I was appropriately dressed.
“I see, but it’s really fucking cold out here this morning. Let’s just head inside okay? That way neither of us gets hypothermia, and Kane doesn’t try to kick my ass,” he suggested with a chuckle.
“Try?”
“I can take him,” he shrugged with a wink. I knew he was trying to lighten the mood, but I just wasn’t feeling it. I could feel my skin crawling under my clothes, and the bitterly cold air around me outside was the only thing stopping me from running to my room, stripping off and diving into a scalding shower. I could hear Joseph’s voice in my head and feel his breath on my face. An image of the blood covered sheets surrounding me in that memory, flashed in my mind, and then the pain was back too, like a phantom feeling throughout my body. I gasped with a jolt, then looked up to Adam, praying he hadn’t noticed.
“Baby, what’s going on?” Of course he noticed. He dropped to his haunches before me and took my gloved hands in his. “Talk to me.”
I shook my head as tears filled my eyes. I slammed them closed, desperate not to fall apart again. I was so sick and tired of falling apart. I was trying hard to find a way to move forward, but it was impossible when the memories continued to return to me in bits and pieces. Every time I thought I’d gained some ground in my fight to be okay, another memory would hit me and knock me right back to the beginning again. Part of me wished everything would just come back at once. It would be horrific, but once I knew it all, maybe I could find a way to deal with it and get myself together.
“Come on. We’re going inside,” Adam said, and before I even opened my eyes to look at him, he had me in his arms, lifting me against his front and holding me under my butt. I wrapped my arms around his neck to try and help, knowing it was pointless to tell him to put me down. He was a stubborn man and when he got something in his head, he was doing it.
“You’ll end up with a bad back if you keep picking me up like that,” I told him with a sniffle.
“I think I’ll be okay,” he said sarcastically. “Plus, I like carrying you. You feel good in my arms.”
“I can’t argue with that, since I feel better when I’m in your arms too,” I sighed as I lay my head against his shoulder and wrapped my legs around his waist. He was warm beneath me and I tried to seek out the sound of his heart beat in an effort to block out everything else in my head.
When we got inside the toasty warmth of the house, Adam put me on my feet and helped me strip off my outer layer of clothing and my boots, then we snuggled up together on the sofa. The house around us was silent, which only added to the craziness in my head. There was nothing worse than silence for magnifying whatever was going round and around in my mind.
“Wh-what did Kane and Jordan tell you all this morning?” I asked as I turned from where I was laid against Adam, my back to his front and his huge, wide thighs surrounding me. I managed to twist my head enough to meet his eyes. I had wanted to ask that question at breakfast when I realized my brothers and Adam knew about the rough night I’d had, but I didn’t want to give more away than Kane may already have.
“Just that you had a really bad nightmare and scared them. They said you spaced out on them for a while. They only told us all because they were concerned about you. You know that, right?”
“Yeah,” I nodded, turning back to the lit fireplace, and cuddling back into him again. “I know that, and I understand. I scared myself too when I realized what had happened when I woke up this morning.”
“Do you know why it happened?” Adam asked gently, almost cautiously.
“Yeah. That was what I was worried Kane might have told you all this morning. I...I don’t want my brothers to know,” I sighed.
“Know what?”
“My nightmare last night. I know what Joseph did to me in that room, Adam. I…I saw flashes of it.” Adam’s arms wrapped even more tightly around me until he was squeezing me as tightly as I thought he dare.
“Did he…” I was relieved when Adam didn’t finish that question. Just the thought of the words I knew he would say were making my stomach turn.
“Yes.” It came out as a sob and I slammed my hand over my mouth to stop more from following.
“Fuck! I’m so sorry, baby.” Adam wrapped himself even tighter around me, his back arching, and his shoulders curling over me as he lay a kiss on the top of my head.
“They c-can’t know, Adam. I need you to tell Jordan and Kane too. Asher and Eli have been through enough,” I sniffled as I swiped angrily at the tears running down my face. “They can never know.”
“Asher….”
“No!” I cried cutting him off as I turned to him again, and pleaded with my eyes for him to give me this. “Asher is trying to be strong, but he’s just as broken by all of this. The man was his father, Adam! Please…j-just let me pro-tect him this time. He d-doesn’t need to know.” Tears were flowing and my words were jerky and broken by the time I was forced to stop talking.
“Okay,” Adam gave in as he scooped me up and turned me around, settling me in his lap against his chest as he held me tightly. “I’ll talk to Jordan and Kane. I’ll make sure they don’t say anything.”
I cried against Adam for a while. The memory had been traumatic enough alone – all of the pain and blood. All of the fear and hopelessness, but to know it was my own damned father who did those things to me. It was just too much to even begin to process. Did Joseph Lyle know who I was when he did that to me? Did he know he was raping and torturing his own child? The things he’d said rattled around and around. He'd asked me if I knew who he was? Did he mean did I know he was my father, or did he mean did I know he was Joesph Lyle – the power hungry tyrant of Lyle Industries ? From the little I knew about him, he could certainly have thought enough of himself to assume I should know he was a big shot business man, but somehow it just didn’t fit with the way he asked me that question. Then he’d said one day I would know.
He had to have known I was his biological child. I felt sure of that, but if he did, how could he have done the things he did to me? And the biggest question – was he the reason I ended up being taken and trapped in that soul crushing existence? Did he plan it all, and if he did, then why? I had no idea who he was. Why would he destroy me like that when I never even met him? Could he truly have hated the mere idea of me existing in the world that much?
I leapt up from Adam’s lap so fast he barely had time to relinquish his hold on me to let me go.
“What’s wrong?” he asked as he looked me over with concern.
“I…I need to shower…right now,” I cried, but I was already fleeing for the stairs to get to my room. My skin was crawling all over again. I could feel warm blood dripping slowly down my back. I could smell him all over me, and I couldn’t handle it anymore. Joseph. He had a grip on me that wouldn’t seem to relinquish.
“Addy, wait!” Adam caught up to me about halfway up the stairs and pulled me backwards against his front. “Just slow down and talk to me, baby,” he said more calmly.
“I can feel him…all over me. I know it’s n-not real but I…I can’t make it stop,” I whimpered, every word pushed through my tight throat. “Why won’t it stop, Adam?”
Adam turned me and I once again found myself pressed against his hard chest, his heart beat grounding me a little.
“Let me help you, okay? We’ll make it stop together,” he said softly, and I nodded. I just needed it all to stop, and I was pretty sure I wasn’t going to be able to make that happen alone.
Adam scooped me up with so much ease, then carried me to my room, closing the door behind us. I was in the middle of my adjoining bathroom when he set me on my feet again.
“Get undressed for me, baby. We’re gonna go in the shower together, okay?”
“Okay,” I agreed easily. I focused on stripping out of my jeans and sweater as Adam set the shower flowing and closed the glass door.
I was unsure about removing more clothes. I currently stood in my underwear and a camisole, so most of my scarred and messed up back was covered. I knew he could still see the few scars that littered my legs and ran over my shoulders, but for him to see the patchwork on my back seemed like so much more to present him with. The realization that Kane and Jordan must have already seen my scars when they were forced to shower me without my cooperation the night before flitted through my mind and caused panic too. Would they even still want me when they saw the state my body was in under my clothes?
“Baby? Talk to me,” Adam’s words jolted me and I looked up, shocked to find he stood before me in only his black boxer shorts, which were a perfectly snug fit around his wide thighs. God, he was so beautiful. His entire body was lined with ridges of muscle. His legs were wide and powerful. His body was packed with muscle all the way up his stomach, to his tight pecs and up to his corded neck. His shoulders were twice the width of my own, and they, along with his biceps rippled with tightly packed muscle, the dark, almost caramel tone of his skin accentuating it all in a way that made him almost too amazing to be real. He was a work of art and I had no clue why he wanted me. He could have his pick of women I was sure, and not one of those women, that he’d be able to choose from, could possibly be as screwed up in the head as I was. I wasn’t sure I had ever felt as insecure in my whole life as I did in that moment. “Addy?”
“Huh?” I looked up to his face and realize I had zoned out again.
“Is this too much? Do you want me to get dressed again and leave you alone?” he offered.
“No!” I cried. “Please…don’t go. I…I want you here….need you. I just…I’m nervous.”
“Nothing to be nervous about. We’re just going to take a shower together. Nothing happens that you don’t want,” he explained as he stepped a little closer and cupped my cheek in his right hand.
“No. I mean, I know that. I trust you, Adam. I just…I’m worried about….about the way I look. I’m not perfect…not like you. I know it’s selfish, but I don’t want to lose you.”
“You are never going to lose me. In fact, I think you’d have to fight pretty damned hard to get rid of me at this point,” he chuckled, then he leaned in and kissed the end of my nose. “You’re beautiful, baby, and so fucking sexy. I have never felt anything like the feelings I have for you and nothing will change that.”
“My back…it’ still healing and the scars…”
“Nothing will change the way I feel,” he reiterated. “Those scars, they’re a part of you now. I wish like hell there was something I could do to go back in time and stop you from suffering as you did, but I can’t. The scars, they’re just a part of the strength I see in you, and adore. You are perfect, Addy. Perfect for me.”
A tear slipped down my cheek as I took in his words over and over. They were words I hadn’t even realized I needed so badly, but they soothed something inside of me. I wasn’t perfect – in fact, I was far from it – but maybe I could be perfect for Adam. Maybe I could be what he needed, just as he was everything I needed.
I reached up on my tip toes and kissed him chastely, my tears making the kiss taste salty.
“I need to feel your hands on me, Adam,” I admitted shakily as I lowered back to my flat feet and looked up at him. “I need you to make this stop.”
“I will. I promise.” He leaned down to kiss me just as I’d kissed him, and when he stood again I realized he snagged the hem of my camisole and was pulling it off in one smooth movement. I lifted my arms to make it easier and tried to focus only on his touch and the way he was looking at me. I tried to keep my only thought on Adam, and not allow the anxiety coursing through me, to take over.
“Take it all off Adam, please,” I told him shakily when he seemed to hesitate and glance down to my black bra and panties.
He made short work of removing the last vestiges of both of our clothes, then he was gripping my hips and lifting me up his front. I wrapped my legs around his waist, shuddering at the feel of my naked core against the smattering of coarse hair on his stomach. I looped my arms around his neck and rested my head on his shoulder. The feel of his warm, naked skin against my own was like a balm to the rawness coursing through me and I heard myself sigh as the itching feeling of my skin calmed.
I knew I should feel more self-conscious, or even embarrassed as Adam stepped into the steam filled cubicle. I was, after all, wrapped very tightly, naked, around the naked torso of a man I hadn’t even kissed fully yet, but it just felt so right. Apart from the feelings left over from my nightmare I needed to erase, I didn’t feel anxious about being so close and intimate with Adam. Instead I felt a calm radiating from everywhere we touched and spreading through my limbs, taking with it all of the lingering remnants of my nightmare, and replacing them with peace and calm.
Adam stepped under the spray from the rainfall shower head and I relaxed even more at the feel of the warm water cascading down over both of us.
“What do you need, honey?” Adam asked, his lips close to my ear to be heard over the crashing of the water.
“This,” I replied as I lifted my head and locked eyes with his. “You. Your skin against mine…it’s making everything feel better,” I tried to explain, but I felt so hazy with the relief he was giving me, I almost sounded drunk.
“Okay, baby. Just relax. I’ve got you now,” he told me, then I felt one of his hands slide out from holding me and skim up and down my back slowly and gently. He moved to my thigh and ran his hand back and forth over that too. I knew I was making noises of relief and pleasure with every place he traced with his hand, but I didn’t care. I knew for a fact I had never in my life felt as at peace and protected as I did there in his hold, his huge body surrounding me and making me feel so small and safe.
I lifted my head and looked into his eyes. The deep brown seemed even darker now, and the expression on his face was calm and soothing.
“Kiss me, Adam…please,” I whispered as I lifted myself a little higher and placed my lips over his. I was a little unsure at first, since kissing was a relatively new thing to me. I’d kissed Kane and Jordan, but they both took control from the beginning and I just followed. This – me initiating it – it felt different.
I kissed him a few times tentatively, just little pecks, then I got a little braver and swept my tongue over his full, firm lips. When he opened to me, I slid my tongue over his, teasingly, and that’s when he was obviously done with me controlling the moment. A low growl emanated from him as his hand cradled my cheek, then he took all control, angling my head the way he wanted it, as his tongue slid over mine and roamed around my mouth, dueling with my tongue as I scrambled to climb higher up him, and get closer. My hands slid into his short hair and I pulled a little at the strands, as Adam deepened the kiss even further, and flexed the hand he had under my butt.
I went from feeling a little unsure, to desperate for everything he was willing to give me, in a matter of moments. A moan slipped from my lips as heat consumed me and coursed right to my hot and needy center.
I shamelessly started to grind my aching core against the hard ridges of his stomach, seeking a release I never imagined I could ever want again, not after everything, but I didn’t just want it in that moment. I needed it. I felt like I might just explode if Adam couldn’t find a way to release the need building inside of me.
“Adam!” I gasped as I pulled back from the kiss and pressed my forehead to his.
“I’m here. Tell me what you need,” he said, a little breathlessly.
“Touch me…it’s too much. Please just t-touch me,” I gasped.
“You’re sure?” Adam questioned as he seemed to stop and pull away from me a little.
I moaned at the loss of his heat around me, forcing myself to look up and meet his eyes. “I’m sure. Please Adam. I need this. I need you to show me it can be good.”
“Fuck yes. I’ll show you, baby,” he growled as he encouraged me to unwrap my legs from his waist. I dropped my feet to the tiled shower base, and leaned back against the cool wall behind me.
Adam stepped into me, his body brushing against mine as the water continued to spray over us. His lips landed hard against mine, inciting another furious kiss as his hand slid down to my breast and brushed back and forth ever so gently against both of my nipples, one after the other. Instantly the heat in my center roared to life again and I could feel a throb down there, begging to be eased.
Adam’s hand snaked down my body just before I felt the desperate need to plead with him. His slightly rough, wide fingers brushed against my clit and I cried out as I slammed my hands against the wall for support.
“Eyes on me, baby,” Adam commanded and I instantly complied, looking up until my gaze met his. There was heat in them and it only made me feel even freer to just experience the pleasure, knowing he was enjoying it too. It was written all over his face.
“Adam…that’s so good,” I gasped as he continued to circle the little sensitive bundle of nerves again and again, almost languidly, like he had all of the time in the world.
“Keep those eyes on me. You look so pretty getting all hot and flushed for me,” he said, the rumble of his voice going straight to my core and ratcheting up my need. “So fucking sexy.”
After several moments of the sensuous torture, a moan rose from me again. It wasn’t enough. My body was screaming at me for more. But that panicked me too. I wasn’t ready for this to move to full sex. Just the thought had me panicking and my arousal abating. Could I do that? Was that what my body wanted? Because it definitely wasn’t what my brain wanted. The touching was amazing, and so unlike any of the hell I had remembered, that I was able to separate the two things, but if Adam tried to push into me, I just didn’t know how I would react. Likely not well.
“Addy?” I opened my eyes, not even realizing I’d closed them. Adam had stopped the movements of his fingers, but they still pressed against my clit as he looked to me with concern. “Do we need to stop and talk things through?” he asked.
“No. I don’t want to stop. I just…I’m not ready for us to…for you to…you know? I can’t do that…not yet,” I babbled.
“Take a nice deep breath for me, baby,” Adam coached as he dropped his hand from my core and wrapped it around my hip instead, pulling me even tighter into his front. I forced a shaky breath in and tried to calm myself down. I knew I was freaking out unnecessarily. This was Adam. He would never push me.
“Sorry,” I whispered, embarrassed.
“No. No apologies. Tell me what you need. Do you want me to step out for a few minutes?” he asked, sounding so patient and understanding, that it actually caused me pain knowing that I had doubted him. I never should have doubted he would take care of me in every single way he could.
“I want you here, with me,” I admitted. “Will you keep going? I didn’t mean to ruin it. I just…I panicked and….”
“Sshh. You didn’t ruin anything.” He wrapped his hand around the back of my head and pulled me close so he could capture my lips in a brief but tender kiss. “I’m going to carry on, okay? We’re not going to have sex. I’m just going to make you feel good. If you start to feel nervous or just want me to stop, you just tell me, yeah?”
“I c-can do that,” I agreed nervously.
“Good girl. I want you to keep your hands against the wall behind you, and your eyes on me the whole time. Do you understand?” He was asking for my acceptance but the command in his voice helped me to relax even more. Those words gave me permission to focus only on doing what he had asked of me, and I could do that.
“I understand,” I agreed with a shaky smile.
Adam’s hand glided its way back to my clit and he started to circle it again, working me higher and higher until I was beginning to pant and whine in pleasure. Then he slowly and gracefully lowered his huge body to his knees below me and I was taken aback enough to panic slightly.
“Adam?”
“Gonna make you feel better now, baby,” he said as he looked up and met my eyes again. “Just relax and trust me. Can you do that for me?” he asked, and I nodded. “Good girl. Keep your hands against the wall to steady yourself.” Before I could question what he was doing, he lifted my right leg and draped it over his shoulder, leaving me stood on one leg and my whole center open to him.
A smirk crossed his face as he looked from my center, up to me, then he lowered his face and I felt his tongue swipe over my clit, just as his finger had moments before. I cried out as little jolts of energy rushed over me in pleasure.
“Yes!” I gasped as Adam ran his tongue over my folds and teased my clit again and again, only pushing me higher and higher with need. His focus returned to my clit as I felt one of his wide fingers tease my entrance. When he pushed in, I cried out and arched up from the wall in shock at how amazing it all felt. Adam continued to lap at my clit as he pushed his finger into me, pumping in and out. Sensations I had never known built inside of me.
I was panting Adam’s name over and over as I tried to keep my eyes on him, watching as the muscles in his arms, shoulders, and across his back rippled and tensed with every movement. He curled his finger inside of me, hitting a massively sensitive area, as he sucked mercilessly over my clit, and all at once pleasure crashed over me, wave after wave drowning me until I could hardly get a breath in.
My leg gave from under me and I started to slide down the wall, but Adam was able to catch me and ease me into his lap where he still knelt on the floor of the shower beneath me. I held onto his arm where it wrapped around me as the waves ebbed and the high calmed enough for me to come back to reality.
When I forced my eyes open I was cradled in Adam’s arms and his eyes were the first thing I saw, watching me with a relaxed expression on his face.
“That was…” I uttered tiredly. “That’s never happened to me before. It was amazing.”
“You never came before?” Adam asked with surprise.
“I have now,” I said with a sigh of contentment.
“You’re okay? I didn’t push too far?” he worried.
“I’m very okay,” I assured him as I snuggled even closer into him. It wasn’t until I wiggled a little to get more settled that I felt his hard length beneath me. I gulped at how big it felt and forced myself to look up to him. “Should I do something…I mean for you? We can’t…you know? But I could touch you? I should, right?” I stuttered anxiously.
“Baby, relax. You shouldn’t do anything but stay in my arms looking as cute as you did a moment ago. I’m fine. This was about you, not that I didn’t enjoy every second of it too,” he chuckled. “You’re so damned adorable when you get all shy and embarrassed.”
“This is just all really new to me. One relationship, remember?” I reminded him. “And it was never like this. I’m not sure how things work.”
“They work however we want them to work. There’s no set plan or rules to follow. As long as we both enjoy what we do together, that’s all that matters, and I’m going to enjoy teaching you some new things along the way,” he added with a grin. “Come on. Let’s get you cleaned up before the hot water runs out.”
“Thank you,” I told him as I looked up at him. “For giving me that. I never thought…never even imagined I could do that; not after everything. Thank you for giving me a piece of myself back.” I was tearful as he leaned down and placed soft, sensual kisses on my lips.
“You’re welcome, Addy, but this is just the beginning. We’re going to help you get more pieces back, and we’re going to help you find new sides of yourself too. You’re going to be just fine, baby. Jord, Kane, and I won’t allow it to be any other way.”
I was emotional as I clung to him. I had no idea if they could really do that, or at least help me to do it myself, but I really wished they could.