Chapter 2
TIA
In my storage room at the back of the garage, I opened a plastic tub and took out the top notebook. Holding it to my nose, I inhaled the smell of paper, searching for a lingering scent of him...of Phil . I smiled at the faint hint of cigarette and pot teasing my nostrils. Memories flooded my mind as I smoothed my hand over the worn edges of the old spiral-bound book. Phil’s messy handwriting was scribbled across the cover. Each page had turned yellow, wrinkled, and faded. But his words marked every leaf. Lyrics. Thoughts. Music.
Three more notebooks peered up at me from their resting place in the box.
I’d read every one when Phil had given them to me...no, thrown them at me...after we’d broken up. I’d tossed them, along with most of my belongings, into storage when I’d moved to Chicago. I’d forgotten I had them until I was unpacking things into my new home I’d bought with Lewis.
When I’d found them, I’d re-read them. I’d laughed. Cried. And at the beach today, I’d had an overwhelming feeling to share them. Maybe Phil was talking to me from the other side . Who knew? But the things Phil had written weren’t just about me. There were many songs that were about the guys, too. There were moments of happiness, darkness, and a crazy lot of fun. It was time to hand them on.
Everyone was here, at Lewis’s and my place, after spreading Phil’s ashes. The timing was perfect.
I gathered up the four notebooks, held them against my chest and headed into the living room where everyone lazed around on the sofas and the floor, having a drink after dinner.
I ambled over to join them and sank into the seat beside Lewis. He kissed me on the cheek and smiled. “Love you.”
“And I love you.” I caught his chin, touched my lips against his, then placed the notebooks on my lap. I flattened my palms against the top cover and searched my head and heart again to make sure this was right. Yes. It is.
“Guys?” I glanced from Flint, to Cole, to Slip. “I have something for you. For you to use, if and when, you decide to work on your next album.”
Flint pinched his eyebrows together as he glanced at my lap. “What’ve you got there, Tee?”
I flicked through the pages of the top notebook. “These were Phil’s. I’ve had them in storage for years.”
Flint and Cole put down their beers on the coffee table. Slip shuffled forward on the sofa. Curiosity shimmered in their eyes.
I closed the book and stared at the cover. “They’re full of lyrics, notes, and music. Most of them are from back in high school and when I was at college. They may be useless, but I want you to have them. You might find something you can use, or that will inspire new material.”
“Tee, aren’t they personal?” Cole winced and rubbed his chest as if it ached. “For your eyes only?”
Are they? No. They were Phil’s. I traced Phil’s name on the cover. “Phil was part of our lives. These belong to everyone. There are many songs about the things you guys did together. Parties. Events. Girls. Some of the lyrics are dark, but most were written before he got sick. When he was happy.”
“Tee?” Slip leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees. Concern edged into his tone. “Are you sure you want us to have them?”
The steady strum of my pulse didn’t alter. “Yes. His lyrics shouldn’t remain lost, or forgotten, or tucked away in an old box. Phil wouldn’t want that. You don’t have to use them. I just thought you might like to read them.”
“Thank you. We will.” Slip took a notebook and flicked through the pages, then chuckled. “Fuck...he had the worst handwriting ever.”
Cole grabbed another one. “Yeah, but he had a way with words.”
Flint hesitated before taking a notebook. “Thanks, Tee. The lost lyrics of Phil, huh?” He jutted the notebook toward Lewis. “Have you read these?”
“Yes.” Lewis nodded as he curled his hand around my thigh. “It has given me a deeper understanding of who he was, how much he loved you, Tia, and life. Also, how messed up he was. But there’s some good shit in there if we ever want to do something with them.”
Trouble stitched deep lines into Slip’s brow. He smoothed his hands over the cover of the book resting on his legs. “We’ll see.”
Like the guys, I missed Slip living nearby. He was like a brother to me. But I, out of everyone here, knew how good it was to escape the place that had caused so much pain. Sometimes you needed to run away to find yourself again. To heal the cracks in your heart. Leaving LA for three years had done wonders for me. Slip and Maddy had left town, and from where I sat, it looked like it was working for them. Both looked happy and healthy. That was worth the band having a break.
But I didn’t miss the agony radiating off Flint. He’d never be the same if Slip didn’t come home and the band didn’t reform.
I’d learned you couldn’t run away from your problems forever or stay away from those you loved and belonged with. My time acting in Chicago had been what I’d needed. It had irrefutably changed me. It had forced me to grow up. Had put much needed distance between Phil and me. I’d fallen in and out of love again, and had incurred an injury that had broken not only my ankle and half my leg but also my soul. I’d had to face the harsh fact I’d never be the same. Coming home hadn’t been easy. But these people, my family, helped me navigate my way forward. I’d needed their love and support. I was beyond lucky to have found a new career working with the band and a new love. Lewis was my partner for life.
A baby would give us the family we’d always wanted.
But why the fuck wasn’t I pregnant yet?
After months of trying and trying? After check-up after check-up?
Medically, there was nothing wrong. Lewis wasn’t firing blanks. My hormones were on point. We were fit and healthy. I was taking pre-natal vitamins. We were doing everything right. But still...no baby.
Ergh! I flicked my doubts aside and reached for the TV remote. “I have one more thing to show you.” I pointed the controller toward the flat-screen mounted on the wall and turned it on. “I made a video. If it’s okay, I’d like to play it.”
“Is this one of your sex tapes, Tee?” Intrigue flitted through Slip’s eyes.
“Why? Do you need to learn something new?” I teased. Slip and I had always been great friends. He’d been closer to me than my actual brother. He’d helped me through my awkward teenage years and my turbulent relationship with Phil. We’d talked through every boy-girl experience and drama we’d faced. There’d never been a subject off-limits. And we’d never betrayed each other’s trust.
Slip grinned a big, cheesy grin. “Tee, there is nothing on this planet you could teach me that Mads and I haven’t already done.”
“Okay...okay,” Cole cut in, holding out his hand, and he paled. I loved making my brother squirm. He was protective of me and liked to think I was all sweet and innocent. “I do not want to hear about your sex lives. Tee, what’s the video?”
“It’s of Phil.” I grabbed my phone and searched for the file to cast.
“I’d really like to see it.” Cole sank back into the sofa and entwined his fingers with Ava’s. The vibe coming off them had been tense all afternoon. They hadn’t been as affectionate as normal. Hadn’t goofed around each other like usual. Maybe Cole was emotional about today’s scattering of Phil’s ashes. I get that. Maybe they’d had a fight. No relationship is perfect. But there was love for each other in their eyes. There were random small smiles. Playful nudges. The gap between them was there, but not as severe as it had seemed earlier. I hoped everything was okay.
“Is everyone else alright if I play it?” I scanned my friends. No one objected.
I hit play, and the TV screen filled with the video.
I’d spent hours sifting through old footage of the guys since we were kids, from the early days playing in my parents’ garage, to Phil in high school, to the two of us at prom, to the guys performing small gigs, to the last time they played together on their second tour. My edits homed in on Phil’s laugh, his antics on stage, his energy, his smile. He lit up playing beside Flint, he loved outdoing Slip jumping around during a show, and he fed off Cole’s electric drumming.
Something about bassists did it for me. First Phil. Now Lewis. Maybe I should get my head checked !
Nah! Never.
As the video progressed into The Flintlocks’ song, Missing You , the frames transitioned from photographs of Phil dressed up for awards shows to stills of the four guys playing on stage. My heart hurt as my personal images of Phil and me together flickered across the screen. At the skate park. At the beach. Drunk at some party. Lying in each other’s bed. His wavy, dark blond hair hung low across his hazy, I’m-stoned, hazel eyes. His cheeky grin and gorgeous lips gave off that I-know-I’m-sexy vibe.
God, I’d loved Phil.
No matter how troubled our past was, he’d always hold a special place in my heart. It had taken me a long time to get over him and move on. But I had. I’d found a new love, a deeper connection with someone who wasn’t afraid to say they were mine. Someone who wanted the world to know we were together, against the odds. Lewis made me happy in every way.
He’d be an amazing father. I couldn’t wait to be a mom. Please...let me be pregnant.
My video rolled into the guys on their second tour with Phil. As the degradation in Phil’s health became more evident, tears stung my eyes. Dark shadows circled his now sunken eyes. His skin tone, sickly. He’d lost weight. But I ended my trip down Memory Lane with shots and footage of the band and me together, smiling. Happy. Best of friends. Family. That was the way I wanted to remember Phil. We were here today because of him.
At the end of the video, Flint came over, kneeled on the floor, and wrapped his arms around me. He rested his chin on my shoulder and sniffled. “Thank you. That was amazing. I miss him, Tee. Every fucking day.”
“Me too. Be honest with me,” I whispered in his ear. “Are you doing okay? ”
“Yeah. I am.” He leaned back and rubbed my arms. “Love you.”
“Same.”
As Flint returned to sit beside Sutton, everyone’s eyes glistened with tears. The love and loss and strength we shared filled my chest with warmth. These people were my life.
Cole raised his beer. “In memory of Phil. May he live on in our hearts forever. To Phil.”
Everyone lifted their drinks and chinked them together. “To Phil.”
I sniffled and dabbed my fingertips beneath my wet eyelashes. “Excuse me. I need to use the restroom.”
I dashed down the hallway to the bathroom and closed the door behind me. But as I sat on the toilet, my heart shattered into a zillion pieces. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. I’d gotten my period. No. No. No . Yet another month had gone by without becoming pregnant. What was wrong with me? Disappointment hurtled through my veins and sank into the depths of my stomach. I’d failed to conceive yet again.
Shit.
I did my business, cleaned up, and rushed upstairs to my bedroom to change my panties. But rather than rejoining my friends when I headed downstairs, I diverted to the kitchen. I needed a moment alone. I made a cup of herbal tea and headed outside for some fresh air. Given it was the middle of February, it was chilly. I didn’t care. But as I closed the door behind me, I didn’t have the patio to myself. Slip sat on the outdoor sofa, staring out across the city lights.
“Hey?” I ambled over to join him. “You okay?” I curled onto the cushion beside him and cradled my cup between my hands, absorbing the warmth. Steam curled into the night air, then disappeared into nothing.
“Yeah.” He patted and rubbed my knee. “I just needed a breather. It’s still hard being around alcohol. I want to get to where it doesn’t bother me. Where I’m not tempted to grab a bottle. Where my throat doesn’t burn for a taste. Where every cell in my body doesn’t crave a hit. I’m not there yet, Tee. Just seeing bottles of beer on the table and smelling the wine on Maddy’s breath before had me wanting to cave. I’m like a bloodthirsty vampire, ready to pounce and have a feeding frenzy.”
“Shit. I’m so sorry. I should’ve been more mindful and not had alcohol tonight.” I never wanted to make him feel uncomfortable. I loved him too much. “I just want everything to be right.” A pathetic sob escaped me.
“Hey? I’m okay. Are you? What’s up?” He hooked his arm around my shoulders and drew me against his side. “Did Phil’s video get to you? It was amazing, by the way.”
“Thank you. The video was fine, but I’m not okay.” I rested my head against his shoulder. “I just got my period. No baby yet.”
“Oh, Tee. I’m sorry.” He kissed my hair. “You and Lewis haven’t slowed down since the tour. You’ve bought a house. Moved in together. You’ve had a busy awards season. You need to stop. Relax. Chill. Then maybe a baby will happen.”
“We’ve been trying for months. It shouldn’t take this long.”
The sliding door opened, and Lewis walked over to join us, blowing on his hands then stuffing them into his hoodie pockets.
“Tee?” Lewis sank onto the sofa beside me and draped his arm over my shoulders. I turned and curled against his side, tucking my feet up onto the cushions. I breathed his sweet, earthy scent into every cell in my body and cuddled closer to him for warmth.
He kissed my forehead. “Sweetheart? What’s going on?”
“I just got my period. I’m sorry. No baby. ”
“Oh.” The disappointment in his tone reflected my own, crushing my chest. He wanted kids as much as, if not more, than me. “Not meant to be this month. It’s okay. We’ll keep trying. It will happen. Trust me.”
“Lew?” Slip chuckled, low and soft. “You are sticking it in the right hole, aren’t you?”
“I certainly am.” Lewis’s soft laugh rumbled through his chest. “I was gay, not stupid. While all available options are great, I know which one to use for getting pregnant.”
“Good.” Slip’s eyes glinted in the dim lights. “Just checking.”
“Love you, asshole.” Grinning, Lewis leaned behind me and play-punched Slip in the arm. “How’s life in Canada?”
“Cold. Snow-ridden. But awesome.” Slip rested his arm along the back of the sofa and swiveled toward us. “We’ve only been on the island for a month. We’re still finding our way around the place and settling in.”
“Can’t wait to come and see it.” I jabbed my foot against his leg. “Are you up for visitors yet?”
“Um...not yet. I need to work on this a bit more.” He tapped the side of his temple. I admired his strength and resilience when it came to getting better. Rehab and recovery took time. Being here was hard on him, but today wouldn’t have been the same without him.
“Slip, you do what you have to do to get better. We’re not going anywhere. But we miss you like crazy. Lewis and I are busy with awards until the end of March. In April we’re heading to Ibiza with Morgan, Lewis’s DJ friend, for some shows, then we’re going on the festival circuit with Duke in May. Maybe we could come after that?” I’d kept our calendar full to take my mind off babies. But I’d been kidding myself. Becoming pregnant was all I thought about every day.
“Maybe.” Slip rubbed and patted my ankle. “I’ll keep you posted. ”
“We’ll need a vacation by then.” I ran my palm over Lewis’s stomach. Hmm. Love these abs. “Won’t we, babe?”
“Sure will. But Tee?” Lewis wriggled his eyebrows, then pressed his lips to mine. “Vacation or not, there won’t be any resting. There will be lots of baby-making practice. Every day if needed.”
I cradled his scruffy cheek and swiped my thumb over the soft stubble. Smiling, I lowered my voice. “Good thing I’m okay with that.”
“Actually...if I’m up for visitors by then, it would be nice if everyone came to see us around that time,” Slip suggested. “We have plenty of room.”
Time with our friends was always fun. Visiting Slip and Maddy’s new home-away-from-home after the busy few months ahead would be perfect. I needed to unwind. De-stress. Chill out. Get fucking pregnant .
“The more the merrier.” I clutched and squeezed Slip’s hand. “We’ll be there. With bells on.”
I couldn’t wait. It’d be fun.
But fuck, I hoped I was pregnant by then.