Chapter 20 Ford
Ford
Another text unanswered. It’s driving me crazy that Phoebe is ignoring me.
I’m yet to knock on her door, not wanting to bump into her dad.
Though if she keeps avoiding me, I’ll kick that door down and face him.
I try calling one last time and get her voicemail once more.
Hanging up, I walk down the hall and unlock the door.
The room smells of sweat and human neglect. Not far off from what I smelled like not that long ago.
“I don’t feel well,” Effie moans.
She doesn’t look it either. Her hair is in desperate need of a wash and a good combing. Her skin is starting to blemish, and her face is more drawn in than usual.
“That’s the starvation kicking in.” I crouch down in front of where she’s curled up on the mattrass. “I remember it well. The only time in my life I ever knew what it meant to starve was because of you.”
She stares up at me and I no longer see power or beauty in her eyes. There’s nothing but fear and vulnerability. I’ve been waiting for her to crack but it seems I missed the moment she broke.
“You’re tired,” she states. “You’re not sleeping because you’re not a killer. You’re suffering more by trying to make me feel how I made you feel.” When I don’t contradict her, she adds, “I’m not wrong, am I?”
I shake my head. “You’re not wrong, but you’re not right either. I take no pleasure in doing this to you, but I do gain some sort of satisfaction and that’s what I need to put you in the past.”
Her eyes cut to mine. “Will I not haunt you?”
“I have no idea.” I shrug. “But I’d rather learn to live with your ghost then live knowing you’re alive.”
I stand and go to leave when she desperately calls out, “Kill me! Just get it over with!”
I can’t help but smile not that I turn so she can see it. “Not today.”
I lock up after I leave and head down to the bar. I bump into Victoria and River at the top of the stairs.
“Perfect!” she beams. “You can take River for me while I clean his bottles.”
I’m always happy to help her out and it’s taking my mind away from the cloudiness that is fogging everything up.
I sit at the kitchen table and find the baby staring.
I wonder what he sees when he looks at me.
I’ve heard my mom say before that babies have a sixth sense about people, even though they can’t speak yet.
He doesn’t cry when I hold him so he can’t see anything too bad in me.
It gives me something to grasp onto other than hatred and revenge.
“He’s getting big. Before we know it he’s going to be walking and talking.”
“I know, I’m excited for it and dreading it at the same time. It’s passing by so fast, that I don’t like.”
“I’m sure once he’s grown some more, you’ll have another.”
“Maybe.” She dumps the bottles in the sink and then asks, “How are you doing?”
“To be honest, I have no idea. My head is fucked, and I can’t see how to clear it.”
She leaves the bottles and joins me at the table.
“When we thought you were dead, it shook everyone. The odds, little did we know, were in our favor. Not only do we have you back, get to share your life with you, you have life. But you won’t live until you put your struggles to rest. What do you want?”
I don’t hesitate. “To be a Lost Soul.”
She shakes her head. “You’re already a brother. No one can take that from you. What do you want in this new life of yours?”
My mind goes blank. What do I want?
“Stop thinking. What do you want? The first thing that comes to mind.”
“I want my girl back. I want to be a brother. I want to be sure I won’t ever be anyone’s prisoner again.”
She cups my cheek and I still have half a brain and hope Luca doesn’t choose this moment to walk in and see his wife touching me.
“Then that’s exactly what you’ll have. All you have to do is take it. Bury your enemies and take it all.”
Her hand drops from my cheek and she takes her son back into her arms.
“It might be wise to deal with Effie before claiming your girl. You wouldn’t want the two crossing paths.”
It would be wise to deal with the past before venturing into the future but what the hell.
I ride over to Phoebe’s and I’m grateful when her dad’s car isn’t parked in its usual spot.
Climbing off of my bike, I jog up the steps and knock on Phoebe’s door.
I’m not waiting long before she answers.
In only a towel around her body, I’m entranced by the sight and furious she would answer the door half naked.
“I could have been anyone,” I snap. “How often do you answer the door in a towel?”
Rolling her eyes, she steps to the side and I push through and head into the kitchen.
“Why are you here, Ford? I don’t have long before I have to leave.”
“Where do you need to be?”
I liked it when I used to know where she was at all times and she knew where I was.
“Not that it is any of your business, but it’s my last final and I don’t need you getting in my head and fucking it up for me.”
Frowning, I tell her, “I don’t want that either. Why don’t I pick you up after and we’ll go out and celebrate?”
I keep my eyes on hers, refusing to become trapped with the sight of her body.
“I already have plans.”
“What about tomorrow?”
“I’m busy.”
Sighing, I ask, “What about this weekend?”
“Again, I’m busy.”
I see how this is going. I cross the small space that always smells like my past, and stop in front of her.
“You let me know when you’re free and I’ll be here.”
Dropping her gaze from mine, she asks, “How long for? I go out with you, and how long before you decide you don’t want me again?”
I want to sweep the damp strands of hair away from her face but I keep my hand at my side.
“Everything’s changed. That shit wouldn’t happen again.”
“You should know that I’ve been looking at job offers up north. In a few weeks I might not even be here in the city.”
That’s a sucker punch to the gut but I keep my face straight. I’ll process later.
“What about…”
“No, Ford. How many times do I have to tell you I can’t do this with you again?”
I step back and sigh. “Until it sinks in, I guess. And it hasn’t yet, so I’ll see you soon. Good luck on your final, not that you need it. You’ve got this.”
I leave her half naked in her kitchen and ride back to the club. The me before Effie would want her to follow the best path for her, but now, I need her and I’m not sure what I’ll do to make sure she stays in the city. She makes me feel normal again, and I need that.
Max and Warren are riding out of the club as I arrive. Tipping my chin, they nod and then they’re gone.
Victoria and the kid are setting up in the shade and I kill my engine and climb off my bike.
“You look like a man on a mission,” she calls out and I walk over and join her.
“I need some advice.”
“Okay, if I can help, I will. What’s up?”
Blowing out a long breath, I push on, “When Luca got the opportunity to set up here in the city, did you hesitate to make the move with him?”
There is no hesitation from her when she answers, “Nope. He’s my husband, I’d go anywhere with him.”
“Before you were married, would you have followed?”
She nods and adjusts River on her lap. “I would have. I loved him, there wouldn’t have been a reason not to.”
“Is love enough, do you reckon? To change all your plans and shit.”
“I can’t speak for everyone, people’s plans are different, people are different, but for me, Luca’s love will always be enough.”
“You grew up in the club, right?” She nods. “Has there ever been a time when you’ve questioned it? When you thought you couldn’t handle club life?”
She frowns but she tells me, “The club for me has always been a way of life that I don’t know any different from.
Like you know, club is family. When I lost my hearing, Luca and I weren’t in a good place, but I didn’t have any thoughts about pulling away from the club.
Even if Luca and I didn’t happen, I’d still live a life in the club. Does that help?”
Unfortunately it doesn’t. Instead, I ask, “Do you think it’s possible to be with someone in the club, long term shit? Like, truly accept the life and everyone in it if it’s not something you grew up in?”
She thinks it over before saying, “I think it depends on how strong you are as a couple. That you remember to put in as much effort as the other person. My mom didn’t know about the club until she was in her early twenties.
My grandpa hid the life until my grandma forced his hand.
My grandma couldn’t accept the life so they created a world away from Willow’s peak, but that meant my grandpa could only visit a few times a year.
But my mom, she fell in love with my dad, and the rest is history.
” She narrows her eyes as she glances at me.
“Are you asking about the girl who found out you’re still alive? ”
I nod. “I want her back but she’s not exactly trusting me all that much these days. She’s never known clubs like this, she doesn’t see the family side.”
Her laughter is soft. “Some guys I’ve known wouldn’t stop until they got the girl.”
“Would Luc have done that?”
“My man doesn’t stop until he gets what he wants. Remember, Ford, if she’s worth fighting for, fight. You’re a Lost Soul.”
I grin. “Thanks.”
I stand to leave when she adds, “But don’t forget the balance, if she truly doesn’t want to be with you, you’ve gotta find a way to let her go. You can’t force someone to be with you. That’s psycho behaviour.”
I laugh for the first time in ages and nod. “I’ll remember that.”
In the bar, King is still trying it on with the Mayor’s daughter. Laughing to myself, I shake my head, and head up the stairs to check on my own pain in the ass woman.