Chapter 13 Emotional Overload
When I got home, I went straight to the barn.
I didn’t want to go into the house with my emotions all over the place.
Nana and PopPop had no idea I met with John; I didn’t share the meeting with them, because I didn’t want them to try to change my mind.
If either of them had told me not to go, I wouldn’t have.
School was closed, so Nana had a full day planned with Reign.
I went into the barn, and Lucky snorted in excitement as he noticed me.
“Hey, boy, do you want to go for a ride?” I asked him.
I grabbed my saddle and made my way over to him.
After I put the saddle on, I gently ran my hands across his back, easing him out of the stall as we made our way out of the barn.
Once we were in front of the barn, I mounted him.
I took a deep breath as the country air filled my lungs.
There was no destination in mind. I just needed to ride.
The longer I rode Lucky, the better I felt.
I didn’t realize how far we had gone until we were about to pass our family cemetery.
My first instinct was to ride past it as I previously would have.
However, I felt compelled to visit my mother’s grave.
I led Lucky toward the gravesite. When we reached my mother’s, I stopped.
I dismounted Lucky but held onto his harness.
The last time I visited my mother’s grave was the day we buried Jude.
“It’s been a long time, Mommy. I finally met John today,” I said as I fought back tears.
“It’s hard not having you around. I wish you would’ve told me about him.
He apologized for not being in my life. The apology was cool, but I still wish I could have experienced a normal childhood with two loving parents.
Nana and PopPop have always been great, but there was no replacing you.
I hate you had to leave me…” I burst out in tears.
I allowed the tears to fall. There was no use holding them in.
“I know there’s no use in crying over something we can’t change.
I’ve learned to be grateful for what I have.
While I will never get over losing you, I’m grateful that your parents are around for me and Reign.
I love you so much it hurts,” I said as I dried my eyes.
I mounted Lucky and decided it was time to go home.
The day had been more emotional than I could’ve ever expected.
I had no intention of passing the cemetery.
However, the land always led me to where I needed to go.
As we made our way toward the house, I noticed a car in the driveway.
As we got closer, I noticed it was Naya’s, so after placing Lucky back in his stall, I made my way into the house.
Reign was talking Naya’s head off, and Naya soaked up everything Reign told her. The two of them were in their own little world.
Reign spotted me first and ran over to me. “Mommy, I missed you,” she said.
“I missed you too. Were you a good girl for Nana?” I asked.
Reign nodded.
“Girl, where have you been? You know your child has a lot to say,” Naya said.
“You don’t even want to know about the day I’ve had,” I replied.
“Since you put it that way, I sure do. Should we go out on the porch?” Naya asked.
“We can. Let me grab Reign’s toy car from the shed. She can ride that while we chat,” I replied.
Naya took Reign and went out the front door.
I went out of the back door to go toward the shed.
My grandparents bought Reign a little jeep so she could drive around.
I grabbed it and brought it to the front of the house.
The moment Reign saw her jeep, she ran toward it. She hopped right in and started riding.
“Don’t go past the cars, okay?” I instructed.
“Okay, Mommy,” she replied.
With Reign occupied, I joined Naya in one of the rocking chairs on the porch. Naya looked at me while I got situated.
“I met my sperm donor today,” I blurted out.
“Wait. Back it up. How did this come about? What did I miss?” Naya asked.
“He sent a letter here. The day after the bus accident, Nana gave it to me. She also gave me a box of my mom’s. It had a bunch of old love letters and pictures of them,” I responded.
“After all of this time, what did he have to say for himself?” Naya questioned.
“He apologized and wants a relationship with me. My mother was his mistress, but she didn’t find out until after I was born. She gave him an ultimatum, and he chose his family,” I explained.
“What did you say to his apology? Do you want a relationship with him now?”
“When he asked for forgiveness, I told him I had already forgiven him. There’s no need for us to have a relationship.
He has three other children that he chose instead of me.
The man said they were used to seeing him every day, versus me, the child that never knew him.
It was all a waste of my time. All the conversation did was remind me of what I missed out on during my childhood,” I admitted.
“I’m so sorry, friend. You deserved better than that coward as a father. Please don’t let him trying to come into your life get you down,” Naya said.
“And then I went to visit my mother’s grave while I rode Lucky.
Even though she isn’t physically there, it felt like I was speaking with her.
I think the conversation with the sperm donor helped heal some wounds from my childhood.
Did I have a traditional family? No. I didn’t need or want for anything.
My grandparents took care of me, and for that, I’m grateful,” I replied.
“That’s right, girl. There are kids who were raised with messed-up parents who would envy your upbringing. I think you turned out alright, friend,” Naya teased.
Naya and I sat on the porch until it was time to put Reign to bed.
School would be closed again the next day for a holiday.
I put Reign’s jeep back inside the shed while Naya took her inside.
Just as I was coming out of the shed, lights from a car caught my attention.
I made my way to the front of the house to see Micah parking his truck.
It dawned on me that I never told him I wasn’t coming by.
As I approached the driver’s side door, Micah opened it.
“Freckles, I never heard from you after your meeting. I’ve been calling and texting you. You good?” he asked.
I looked at my phone for the first time since earlier this afternoon. There were several missed calls and messages from Micah. “I’m sorry. I didn’t check my phone, but yes and no. I wasn’t in the best of moods after that conversation,” I admitted.
Micah got out of the truck and pulled me in for a hug. His muscular arms wrapped around my body felt so good. “What can I do? What do you need?” he inquired.
“You. I just want to be alone with you tonight,” I replied.
He placed a kiss on my forehead. “We can go back to my place. Can your people keep Reign tonight?”
“Naya is actually here. Let me go inside to get some things. I’ll get Reign situated as well. Give me a few minutes,” I responded.
“I’ll be right here whenever you’re ready,” he said as he released me from our embrace.
It was hard to pull away from him. I knew the faster I got Reign settled, the sooner I would be back in the comfort of Micah’s embrace.
“What took you so long to put the Jeep away?” Naya asked as soon as I walked into the house.
“Micah pulled up just as I came out of the shed. I forgot I was supposed to go to his house after my meeting with John earlier,” I replied.
“Oh, so when he didn’t hear from you, he pulled up on you. I know that’s right, Micah,” Naya teased.
“Don’t start with me. Can you put Reign to bed for me?” I asked.
“Go be with your man, girl. I’ll put baby girl to bed then head out,” she confirmed.
“Thanks, girl. Let me go tell her good night,” I said as we walked up to Reign’s bedroom.
Reign was busy picking out her pajamas when we walked into her room.
“I’m ready for my bath,” she said.
“Nugget, Auntie Naya is going to give you your bath tonight. Mommy is going out for a little,” I explained.
“I get to play with Auntie Naya. Yay!” she screamed in excitement.
“Not too much playing. Don’t forget your bedtime. I love you. I’ll see you in the morning,” I said as I hugged and kissed her.
“Love you, Mommy,” she replied as she hugged and kissed me back.
“Love you too, Nugget.”