Chapter Thirty-Two
ELLIE
Two years earlier
“Mom!”
Dylan ran into the kitchen, knocking over the plant that I had sitting on the corner of the counter, and left the front door wide open, letting the late March snow from this morning drift in and settle on the hardwood floor. I could tell he was excited when he shouted, “Guess what!?”
Before I could answer, he says, “I made Varsity!”
and starts jumping up and down. I screamed and started jumping with him.
This was huge for him. There were so many talented kids at his school that went out for the team, that he didn’t think he had a chance at making the Varsity Baseball roster during his freshman year.
“I knew it!”
I told him and squeezed him in my arms.
“I knew you would make it!”
This school year has been a roller coaster of emotions for me. Dylan is growing up; I’ve watched him transform this year and he’s maturing into a young man. He’s smart and he’s athletic and he’s an absolute gentleman. I realize that, as he’s getting older, these things are bound to happen, but when he celebrated his one-year anniversary with his girlfriend, Carrie, I cried. I’ve watched these two over the past year and they remind me so much of myself and Lee that I sometimes forget they are not us, and they’re living out their own unique journey.
I helped him pick out a suit and tie for homecoming and they’re already talking about their summer vacation plans. When they started to get closer and she was spending a lot of time at the farmhouse, I thought it was probably time for me to meet her parents. But when I asked her about it, she told me her dad doesn’t live with them and her mom is always busy.
“She’s almost never home, she travels a lot for work and now that I’m old enough to stay home by myself, she’s sometimes gone for a week at a time.”
She explained.
“But I know she’s dying to meet you too!”
she added happily.
It took several months of schedule mishaps, and we eventually stopped trying to meet up for lunch or dinner or a hello in passing when I dropped Carrie off at home. I was beginning to think Carrie’s mom was purposely trying to avoid meeting me and I couldn’t figure out why.
* * *
On the morning of Carrie’s birthday, I received a phone call from the hotel her mom works at, and she introduced herself as Margot Lancaster; it was the first time I was able to talk to her on the phone. She wasn’t calling to chat; she was calling to ask a favor, but she apologized for not being able to meet or talk to me up until now. She explained how busy and stressful her job had been over the last year and there was a long pause where I could hear Margot trying to compose herself.
When she started speaking again, she told me her boss was sending her on a business trip this afternoon. She tried to get out of it, but he threatened to let her go if she didn’t take the trip; she’d been there fourteen years and apparently her loyalty didn’t matter. She was asking me if I could help make Carrie’s birthday enjoyable for her because she wasn’t going to be able to be here for it.
I could tell she was crushed to be missing her daughter’s birthday and I promised I would make it special for her. It was a Friday, and her mom was going to be out of town until Monday. Under normal circumstances, I would never even consider letting a girl spend the night at my house, but I could not imagine letting her spend her birthday night alone at home. So, I prepared the guest room and laid out clean sheets and a freshly fluffed comforter.
I spent the rest of the morning planning out how we would celebrate this wonderful girl that brings my son so much happiness. First, I made reservations at the Lighthouse Point Grille, I hadn’t been there since Jake and I dated but I knew it would be the perfect ending to her birthday.
I picked up the kids from school: surprise number one accomplished when Carrie climbed into the backseat and was surrounded by pink balloons, her favorite color. We stopped by her house, and I waited in the car while they ran in and packed a weekend bag. When they got back in, we headed into the city where we were going to play a round of put-put and then Dylan was going to enjoy sitting in the lobby while Carrie and I got mani/pedis at the bougie salon I’ve always wanted to go into.
We finished off the night with dinner at the grille, followed by a completely embarrassing birthday callout in which a group of waiters pull the birthday girl into the center of the restaurant and sing happy birthday while she blows out the candle on a cupcake.
When she was thoroughly exhausted, we went home and ate popcorn while we watched a movie. I took plenty of videos and pictures all night and sent them to her mom over text. She called from Texas, and I handed Carrie the phone. She gushed to her mom over all of the birthday activities and after a brief conversation, she handed the phone back to me.
“Thank you so much, Ellie. I can’t tell you how much this means to me.”
Margot exclaimed with heartfelt gratitude, her voice trembling with emotion. I told her I had fun making this day memorable for her daughter and that in a way, it felt like I was celebrating my own daughter. I wasn’t going to get the opportunity to do fun, girly things for a daughter in my lifetime and this filled my heart with a bittersweet joy as I hung up the phone.
After watching the two of them for a while, I snuck out of the living room and made my way upstairs. It was a long day and I had so much to be thankful for. I wanted to take the chance to write my thoughts down before they got jumbled into the back of my mind. With my pen in my hand, I settled into my reading chair and got ready to write:
Dear Lee,
It’s been fifteen years and yet not a minute goes by that I’m not thinking about you or remembering something about you. Today was no different than any other day in that respect but in so many ways, it was harder. Our son is becoming you more and more every day and I don’t want to say it hurts me that he looks just like you, but he does, and it does. I can see you in the way his eyes sparkle, in the way he smirks mischievously, when he’s forgotten something and immediately says “Don’t be mad”
and in the way he looks at Carrie the way you used to look at me.
You missed his first homecoming. You missed it when he came home reeling from the excitement of making Varsity. You missed his fifteenth birthday where he blew out the candle and wished for you. I wanted so bad to be able to grant that wish for him. He doesn’t know that I know he wishes you would magically come back to life for one day on his birthday every year. And he doesn’t know that I wish magic were real just so this could happen.
I know you would be proud of him if you were here. I know you would be excited to start teaching him how to drive when he gets his learners permit this summer instead of letting my lead-foot teach him! I know you would be here with us if you could.
I’ve tried to move on from you, Lee. I’ve really tried but I just can’t, and I’ve accepted that. You’re not coming back to me, but I can’t give my heart to someone else when you’ve taken it away with you.
It's been fifteen years, so many hundreds of days
Since you squeezed your hand in mine
And I miss you in countless ways
I’ll never find a love like that again
Love Always,
Ellie
I closed my journal and put it back in my dresser drawer. One day, I’ll turn all these letters into a book and maybe, just maybe, our words will inspire a love story to bloom where it was never meant to be planted.