Chapter Thirty-Three
LEE
Present Day
I found myself in a crowded bar on karaoke night, with a few too many drinks in me. I had been traveling for meetings for the last month and now that I’m home for a while, I met up with a few guys from my old troop and the drinks got to drinking.
It was just something I had written down over the years, but it came out while I was sitting at the table with the guys. Everything was quiet in between sets from the band, and I was thinking about the words in my head; I didn’t realize at first that I started to say them out loud. It started with a low whisper that I kind of talked and sang through …
“In the depths of my mind, it's just her and I,
Something so natural, I can't tell you why.
I let the moments slip, didn't take a leap,
Now I'm haunted by the promises I couldn't keep.
Thought she'd have flown away, found a brand new start,
But in my heart, she's still the beating part.
I never reached out, never said goodbye,
Now I'm left wondering why, oh why.”
When I looked up from my glass of whiskey and saw everyone was looking at me. I just let it go and belted it out. Around the second verse, someone started playing a guitar and the melody flowed out of me like I had been holding onto it for years, because I kind of had been.
“She’s like a song
That’s playing on, forever on repeat.
And I can still feel her here,
Like she’s right there next to me, looking up at me,
And telling me not to let her go.
She’s like a faded out memory,
Still haunting every part of me.
I can’t break free, can’t let her go.
Oh no, I can’t let her go.
I thought I could move on, thought I could be strong,
But she’s a chain I can’t undo.
Her presence lingers in my soul,
Dragging me back to what I once knew.
She’s like a faded out memory,
Still haunting every part of me.
I can’t break free, can’t let her go.
Oh no, I can’t let her go.
Every step I take,
Leads me back to her embrace.
I try to fight, I try to resist,
But she’s a fire I can’t extinguish.
Didn't aim to be left in the background
Easily lost in the memories she keeps bound.
Among the boys she'd known, just another face,
In the shadows of her past, lost and replaced.
I miss her hair; I miss her touch.
She’s the reason why I believe in love so much.
Without her with me, I can never be.
I can never be.
She’s like a faded out memory,
Still haunting every part of me.
I can’t break free, can’t let her go.
Oh no, I can’t let her go.
So I go on and on and on,
Lost in the echoes of a love that’s gone,
and I go on and on and on,
In the shadows of the love we’ve drawn
I can’t let her go.”
I let out a breath as the last of my song melted out of me and I slouched back down into the booth. But then I looked up when the whole place went crazy and erupted with loud applause and shouts of sing it again. The guys were shoving me and laughing.
“Dude! Where the hell have you been hiding that?”
Egin slaps my arm.
“Damn guys, we need to find this chick.”
“Right!? She must be somethin’ special.”
“I didn’t even know you were seeing someone, Lee.”
“I’m not.”
I say, “This is… it’s about someone from a long time ago.”
The guys raised their empty beer bottles in a cheers:
“To long lost loves!”
and went to grab some more from the bar.
“Here if you wanna talk about it.”
Egin tells me. He’s been married for three years but deployed for two of them so he knows the hurt of long-distance love.
“I – I don’t know why … but I’ve really been thinking about her a lot lately.”
That’s a lie, I know why – My twenty years is coming up soon and she’s been on my mind every damn day.
“This was just something I wrote down one night. Letters were always our thing and I just thought, maybe if I write it all down for her, one day I’ll have the nerve to find her and mail it.”
“Dude. Not to be harsh – but – you’re not getting any younger and if you keep on waiting for the right time, she’ll have moved on for sure.”
Egin was right. But it’s been eighteen years now and she thinks I’m dead; how do I just come back into her life?