Chapter 1
Chapter One
Graham
Something was wrong with Sterling. This was the third morning in a row he had slipped out of our dorm in his running clothes. He was doing his best to hide his spiraling from me, but hell, we were into our third year of friendship. I knew Sterling like the back of my hand.
Something had happened. Even Darren had been pissy at practice the last couple of days.
In fact, it’d been since Sterling had asked me if he could have the dorm to himself for the night.
Fuck, that had settled in my stomach like sour ass milk when he requested it, but I’d done it.
I’d shoved aside my own feelings so Sterling could have the opportunity to get off with a guy that wasn’t me.
I’d holed up with a girl a couple of floors beneath us. It was easier than trying to room with another guy on our floor, who would probably have their own conquests in their beds.
The girl I’d stayed with—I couldn’t even remember her damn name—had tried to have sex with me, but I hadn’t been in the mood. All I could think about was my best friend—the guy I was madly in love with—being upstairs with one of my jackass teammates.
Hell, anyone who wasn’t me was a jackass when it came to Sterling. No one was good enough for him. Because despite everything he’d been through, he still had a heart of gold and a soul that just shone a light on anyone who needed it.
He was everything good in this world. And I was terrified someone would be able to snuff it out if I didn’t protect him.
Clenching my jaw, I slid out of bed and grabbed my toiletries.
I knew Sterling would be gone for a good minute, so I had time to shower and get dressed for the day before confronting him.
And I would be confronting him because he and I both knew that nothing good ever came out of him trying to outrun his demons.
It just left him exhausted. It didn’t fix him not being able to sleep. It didn’t fix whatever was happening in his life to keep him wired, anxious, and worried.
The trauma Sterling had endured… God, it made me sick to my stomach to even think about it.
He hadn’t told me everything. Hell, I was pretty sure he’d barely even scraped the surface of what he’d gone through and what that sick son of a bitch had done to him when he’d talked to me about it.
But he’d told me enough for me to know it was fucking horrendous.
Most people wouldn’t be able to live with those kinds of memories haunting them day in and day out. I wasn’t sure I could. Sterling was the strongest person I knew. I just wished he saw that so he didn’t spend so much time running from the darkness in his mind.
Grunting, I stood in front of the mirror and began to shave my face.
I hated having any kind of stubble. Didn’t know why, but it bothered the fuck out of me.
I loved stubble and beards on other men.
Loved the way it felt against my skin. But I hated my own stubble.
I’d even tried growing it out once to see if that made it any better, but nope. Hated it even more.
Besides, Sterling didn’t seem to mind my face being free of hair every day.
After shaving, I quickly got in the shower, knowing I didn’t have much more time before Sterling made it back to the dorms. In five minutes, I was out, dried off, and dressed, heading back into our room.
Sterling was rifling through his little closet for clothes, and he turned to look at me when I entered.
His back tensed when I flipped the lock. I hated making him feel trapped, but if I didn’t, he’d run.
Again.
“We need to talk,” I told him as I ran my towel over my wet, dirty blonde hair.
He grunted. “Nothing to talk about, Graham.”
I snorted and dropped onto my bed. “Cut the bullshit, Sterling. I know you well enough to know something’s wrong. Not only have you gone for a run the past two days and again this morning, but you’re eating less, and you’re hardly sleeping.”
He hung his head forward, his shoulders slumping.
I hated the defeat so clearly riding him.
My fingers twitched with the urge to tug him into my arms, but I wasn’t sure what mood he was in right now.
Touching him in the wrong mood could send him falling into a panic attack.
And fuck, those were terrifying to witness.
I hated it when he had panic attacks. They made me feel hopeless. Useless. And I felt like I was suffocating right along with him.
“Come on, Sterling,” I pleaded. “I’m worried about you.”
He clenched his jaw before looking at me. “I really don’t want to talk about it, Graham.”
“Tough,” I bit back at him, matching his grumpy attitude with my own. “Neither of us is leaving this room until you open your mouth and tell me what the hell is going on with you.”
He snorted. “I’d like to see you try to stop me,” he retorted.
I arched a brow at him, crossing my arms over my chest. I was slim, just like him, but I had more muscle mass from playing hockey and all the practice and weight training I had to endure day after day. “Wanna test me?” I taunted.
He growled something under his breath I couldn’t catch, but he slunk to his bed before plopping down on it. His skin was still slightly glistening from his run, and it made me want to push him back on his mattress, straddle his hips, and lick all that salty sweat off of his skin.
And fuck—my dick was hard.
“It’s embarrassing,” Sterling finally said, staring at the floor between his feet. His leg began to bounce, a nervous tick he had. I wanted to grip his thigh and soothe him, my fingers twitching with the need, but I held myself back.
“Sterling, nothing you say to me could ever be embarrassing, especially if it’s bothering you.” And I meant that. “Just talk to me. Because I’m going nuts with worry over here.”
He blew out a harsh breath. “I’m suffering from erectile dysfunction,” he told me.
I blinked; I sure as hell hadn’t been expecting that.
He licked his lips, rubbing his hands together, another nervous tic of his.
“Apparently, I’ve had it since puberty since I could never hold an erection.
And it’s linked to my PTSD and trauma and all that other shit, so there’s, like, no fucking hope for me. ”
I frowned at him. “Did something happen to make you feel bad about it?” He’d never mentioned it before. And I’d never heard a peep of it until now, which meant it hadn’t been bothering him enough to get him down like this.
Something had happened. I knew it in my gut.
He jerked his head up at me, confused. “I just told you I have ED, and you’re just… chill about it?”
I shrugged. “You have ED. Plenty of guys suffer from ED, Sterling. It’s nothing to be embarrassed about, and any guy who truly loved and cared about you wouldn’t care because being with you wouldn’t be purely physical. There’s plenty of warmth and intimacy to be had with just being together.”
I’m that guy! I wanted to yell at him, but I couldn’t. I couldn’t risk freaking Sterling out. He needed me as much as I needed him, and I would never be selfish enough to risk ruining our friendship.
Sterling frowned. “Any guy is going to want to fuck, Graham, and that’s another thing—I don’t think I can,” he confessed.
“Darren and I tried,” I gritted my teeth at the thought of him being with Darren, of Darren seeing any part of my man, “but I freaked out. Heard his voice in my head.” He looked a little bit paler at the admission, and my heart cracked wide open in my chest, all the anger and jealousy abating.
“Sterling,” I rasped, “look at me.” It felt like it took him an eternity to do so, but he slowly raised his eyes to meet mine. “Why did you think you could manage that? You know you can’t.”
He shrugged. “He was pressuring me.” I was going to fucking bash Darren’s face into the ice. “And I just wanted to be normal.”
“Normal is overrated,” I said, getting up from my bed.
I took a seat beside him—close enough for him to feel my body heat but not so close that he felt trapped.
“You’re perfect just as you are, Sterling.
Any guy worth your time would be perfectly fine waiting for you to be ready.
And if it never happens, they would be okay with that, too. ”
I would be okay with it! I shouted at him in my mind.
Christ, I was head over heels for him, and he’d probably never know.
Because Sterling needed our friendship more than I needed to be with him.
I was afraid if I confessed how I felt to him, he’d push me away. And shit, where would that leave him?
He blew out a soft breath. “Just doesn’t feel like it, Graham.” He leaned his head on my shoulder, and my chest loosened at the contact. Tentatively, I wrapped an arm around his shoulders, and when he didn’t tense or push away, I pulled him into a hug, resting my chin on the top of his head.
“He will,” I promised. I combed my fingers through his dark, curly hair, and he practically purred, his eyes shutting. It was soothing for him, and I did it as much as he allowed me to. “Promise me you won’t ever do something you’re not comfortable with again when it comes to other guys?”
He nodded against my shoulder. “I promise, Graham.”
I dropped a kiss to the top of his head, unable to help myself. Instead of freaking out like I thought he might since I’d just pushed a major boundary, he snuggled closer.
“You make me feel safe,” Sterling said softly.
I swallowed past the sudden lump in my throat, tightening my arms around him. “I’ll always be your safe haven, Sterling. No matter what.”
And that was a promise I’d keep until my last, dying breath.