CHAPTER FIVE
ANGIE
“It’s been six weeks since you left me,” I say out loud, but he’s not here to listen. Consoling myself, I snuggle against the pillow I brought from home. Scott’s pillow.
I lay silent and take in the sky-blue walls and white woodwork.
There’s so much light in this room and this bed is much nicer than the one I have at home.
It’s huge and covered with a beautiful plump duvet and a comforter at the bottom.
The number of cushions on top when the bed is fully made is outrageous. Scott would have a fit if he saw them.
“Why do women need so many cushions? I don’t get it. It’s like an addiction.”
We don’t have lots of fancy things at our place.
We didn’t want to make it too homely because the plan was always to buy our own place.
We would have loved a house like this with its huge driveway at the front and the beach as our back garden.
Scott loved the beach. In fact, we talked about buying a house near here one day.
I sigh out loud as I remember the dreams we had but will never fulfil together.
With a lot of effort, I drag myself out of bed.
My attention is immediately stolen by the view of rolling white waves outside.
The blue sky and golden sand spark a need to take in the sea breeze, but I struggle to open the window.
This is an old house with ancient catches.
Although the whole place has been renovated since Ash and Calla bought it a few years ago, they kept some of the original features.
I take a seat by the window and watch Zoe jump up and down on her trampoline. Soon, she will have two little siblings to play with. I bet she’ll love that.
She reminds me of Calla when she was younger. Few people can claim to have known the new Mrs Chambers for as long as I have. For a long time, she thought she was an only child, and I find it sad that she and Scott didn’t find out they were brother and sister until they were in their early twenties.
The person Scott used to be in secondary school was so different from the person he grew into. He was the school bully and targeted Calla back then. It’s a shame. Deep down, he wasn’t that person. It all came about because of his circumstances.
His father was a bastard. I’m glad I never met him.
He gave Scott’s mum a terrible time with all his affairs and the drinking.
That poor woman suffered so much and died at an early age of a terminal disease.
Life is cruel and my husband went through the mill, but Scott survived, and it made him stronger.
The man I married. The father of our child.
How ironic that, in the end, he was also taken too young.
My hand runs over my stomach. “You’re going to be so strong, just like your dad,” I whisper. In the weeks since we lost Scott, I’ve neglected our baby, and I want to re-connect.
“You okay this morning, Angie?” I didn’t hear her come in, but Calla is behind me.
“Morning.” I smile. “Yes, I’m okay. It’s a beautiful day out there.
” I nod towards the window, push myself up from the chair, and turn my attention back to the view outside.
Calla stands in front of me, and she’s got that look on her face.
Should she smile or should she not? I won’t break if she does.
“It’s sunny, which is good.”
“Hmmm.” We both stare at the view, yet I sense she wants to ask me something.
“You know what day it is, don’t you?” And there it is.
Does she think I’ve forgotten? “Yes. I know. Today we say goodbye.”
She nods. “How are you feeling?”
“I’m fine.” Truthfully, hollow or lost might be a better answer. “How about you?”
Calla takes my hand. “Honestly? I don’t know. This still feels unreal to me.”
“I understand.” I squeeze her hand as we continue to look out the window.
“No matter what, we’re all here for you,” she says.
“Yes. I know.” I turn towards my oldest friend and give her a hug. “I’m here for you too, but that seems to be something you keep forgetting.”
She pulls back to face me with one lone tear falling down her face. “We’ll get through this together, you and me.”
“We will.” I bring Calla in for another hug. One we both need, but when I face her again, I know this is the moment I’ve got to address what I’ve been thinking about.
“Can we talk for a bit?” She nods, and we take a seat at the end of the bed. “The thing is, I’ve been staying with you and Ash longer than any of us expected. I bet you’re sick of the sight of me by now, and I’m sure I’ve outstayed my welcome.”
“That’s not true. I don’t know what I’d do without you.”
I half smile. “Maybe we both needed this, but after today, I think it’s best if I go home.”
She jolts up as if stunned. “You don’t have to. I want you to stay for as long as you want to. Okay?”
“Thank you, Cal, but I should go back to the house. I have so much to sort out for Scott’s business and his clothes are—” With my words, Calla bursts into tears. “Oh my God. I wasn’t thinking. I’m doing this too soon—”
She sniffs. “No. It’s not that.”
“Then what’s wrong?”
Calla takes a few deep breaths. “It’s stupid, I know, but I don’t want you to leave.”
I rub her back and pass her a tissue from the table. “I don’t want to go either, but I have to. If I don’t leave soon, you and Ash will be stuck with me forever, and that’s no good for anyone.”
“Who says so? Both of us are about to have babies and we could help each other. We’re not in a hurry to see you go, so why not stay?”
“It’s not fair to Ash.” I look away and blow out a deep breath.
“What are you talking about? He loves having you here.”
“You’re just saying that.” My shoulder pushes against hers.
“No, I’m not. We’re not exactly squeezed in for space. There’s more than enough room. Please, stay a little longer.”
I was so geared up to go, but on reflection, was I being selfish?
Maybe Calla needs me as much as I need her.
Perhaps, by me staying, she finds it a comfort to have a connection with her brother.
But I’ve also got to consider her husband in all of this.
Ash has been a saint, but I don’t want to become a burden.
“How about we talk to Ash first?”
“Oh, he’ll be good with it.” She sniffs.
“I’d rather check. This is a special time for you both and I don’t want to get in the way.”
“You won’t, but if it makes you feel better—”
“It will.” I grin.
After Calla leaves, I attempt to get dressed. Scott would want me to look my best, but I’m struggling with the outfit I chose. It’s certainly figure-hugging as my baby bump grows, but I’ll have to grin and bear it. Scott liked me in this dress. It’s a good job the material is stretchy.
I run my hand over my tiny bump. When I first found out I was pregnant, I was so sick. That was my first sign, although it was Scott who realised what was happening.
“I think maybe we should buy a pregnancy test, don’t you?”
Scott was only saying what I’d been thinking, but part of me didn’t want to get over-excited. Again.
“I don’t want to tempt fate, Knoxy. We’ve been down this road so many times now—”
“But I’ve got a good feeling this time. You’ve been… over-emotional.”
“You mean a moody cow. That’s what you’re really saying, isn’t it?”
He laughed at me. God, I miss that sound. He had the best sense of humour, and his smile would light up an entire room.
I remember the look on his face when the word POSITIVE appeared on the stick. He was so bloody happy. He picked me up, spinning us both in circles, laughing until our stomachs hurt and we cried a little too.
“Angie, come back to me.”
I shake my head and focus on my best friend. “Sorry about that. I was away with the fairies.” I didn’t even hear her come back into the room.
“There’s someone to see you.”
Ash hobbles in on crutches. He’s dressed in a black suit and tie with a white shirt. This is actually happening. We’re saying goodbye to my husband today.
“Hey. How are you doing?” he asks.
“I don’t know, Ash.” I look towards them both as my stomach turns. “Today feels like a step back. Starting again from scratch without him. I don’t think I can go through with it.” Tears spill uncontrollably down my face.
Calla wraps her hand around my shoulder, with Ash holding my hand. “It’s okay,” Calla soothes. “We’re here for you.”
TOMMY
I’d do anything for just a mouthful of whiskey. I thought I could cope, but this is harder than I ever thought possible.
The family is taking care of Scott’s service. I’m not a crier, but Jesus, this soreness in my throat is nearly choking me with every dedication and song.
Angie and Calla didn’t feel strong enough to speak, so Mrs C read a beautiful poem, and Ash, along with Chris, Scott’s business partner, conducted the order of service.
I don’t know where they found the strength. Losing someone you’re so close to is fucking hard, never mind having to talk about them openly at their funeral. I didn’t expect to be affected like this, but I’m a wreck.
Ash talks about Scott in such a beautiful way. His speech is full of childhood memories and his words make us laugh, then cry. I’m not prepared for the last part of his tribute, which turns me into a fucking heap.
“We were bound by more than friendship, me and Scott. When he married Angie, we were over the moon. What could be better than my girlfriend’s brother marrying her best friend? Well, it was probably when I married Cal because then we were not only the best of friends, but family.
“Nothing makes me sadder than to know Scott will never meet his son or daughter, but as a family, we will do everything in our capability to make sure they know every detail about their dad. Scott will forever live deep in our hearts and we’re going to miss him so much.”
Ash pauses and looks up from his notes and into the eyes of the congregation as tears stream down his face. Then, he looks up at the heavens. “Stay safe up there, man. You know we love you.”
He takes his crutches from the wall behind him and leaves the lectern in bits.