Chapter Fifteen #2
“Well, it’s not my mission, is it?” Kenzie mused. “It’s yours. I’m a distraction. When I’m gone, you’ll be able to one hundred percent focus on Huisman.”
He frowned. “I’m getting sick of your family trying to turn this into some kind of romance between me and Manny. It’s cruel when you think about it.”
She didn’t want to argue with him. She was tired, too, and had so many miles to go before she slept.
“Then it’s a good thing you don’t have to worry about my cruelty again.
Ben, I’ll be gone in a day or two. Can you leave me alone?
I don’t want a scene. I don’t want a fight.
I want to do my job and leave with some dignity. ”
He was quiet for a moment. “And you said you loved me. Well, it’s good to know I was right about that.”
She stood and picked up her laptop. Lucy’s room had killer Internet and a lock. She would use both. “Yes, it’s good you know what a lying whore I am.”
She started to move past him, but he reached out and grabbed her wrist.
The one with all the bruises. She winced, and the laptop slipped from her hand.
Ben let her go like she was made of fire. “I’m sorry. I forgot.”
So some of his bravado was performative. That made her feel somewhat better. At least he wasn’t a complete jerk. “It’s fine. It’s not that bad, but I would appreciate it if you would stop grabbing me.”
She started for the door.
“Kenzie, please talk to me. I don’t know what I did. I understand that I didn’t handle you saying those words well.”
She bit back a sigh. “It’s okay. I’ll be okay and so will you.”
“If you love me, how can you walk away? Make me understand it.”
Was he really this dumb? She asked the question mentally and answered it the same way.
Yes. He was male and hadn’t figured out that feelings should be handled with something more than a gun or a bottle of Scotch.
It was hard sometimes to date because her family was so open to talking, hell-bent on ending the idea that their sons didn’t deserve the same examined lives their daughters did.
That they couldn’t feel sorrow, only rage.
That anger and lust were the only acceptable emotions for a man to feel.
She turned. “Okay. I love you. I think I always will. I’ve pretty much loved you from the moment I saw you. It was one of those fate things.”
His eyes narrowed on her. “Then I would think you would want to fight for me.”
“I already did that,” she replied. “I fought through my job and my family. I thought about leaving all of them for you. I was serious about moving to Toronto and figuring out how to be your wife. But you don’t want that.”
“I think we can’t dream about the future until this mission is done.” It was clear he was choosing every word carefully.
“And if Huisman is alive and kicking ten years down the line?”
“I’ll still be waiting to take him out,” Ben announced.
“I can’t live like that. The funny thing is if you’d asked me to marry you a couple of months back, I would have done it.
I would have married you and followed you and done everything you wanted me to do.
But the truth of the matter is you’ve always seen this thing between us as temporary.
There’s a reason you reacted poorly to me saying I love you.
You don’t want a wife. You don’t want a long-term girlfriend.
It’s fun right now to have someone to sleep with, but you’re waiting for him to call and start the game again. ”
“Or I could be trying to keep you out of the game altogether,” he countered.
She wasn’t sure they needed to have this talk. It all seemed set. “Then you should be happy I’m leaving.”
He took a long breath and then nodded as though finally figuring out what he wanted to say. “I told you I care about you. I care about you in a way I don’t think I ever have before. Kenzie, you’re not some convenient lay. You’re…you’re the reason I wake up in the morning.”
If only she was. “I’m not. He is. You might not want him to be, and I know you don’t love him, but you need to see that he’s the center of your world.”
“Because he’s stalked me since I was a child. Because in his twisted brain we’re connected.”
“So shut off the connection. Let my dad deal with this. Hell, let my sister do it. I know she’s not going into the field, but when we find him, she’s an excellent sniper.
” A bit of hope bubbled up. That optimistic side of hers unwilling to completely let go.
If he was here and asking, he might see reason.
“And when he kills her, you’ll blame me.”
And they were back to Huisman. Manny the Great Evil.
He Who Cannot Be Stopped by anyone but Ben.
He would put it in a million different ways, but this fight was the center of his world, and it would color everything he did.
She could see that now. There was very little space for anything but Ben’s hate and fear.
And she couldn’t blame him for anything but trying to keep her.
“When you take him down, what will you do with your life?”
“Have one,” he said, frustration evident. He ran his hands over his already tousled hair. “I don’t know. I’ll finally get to not watch my back all the time.”
“That’s why you have friends. To watch your back while you have a life,” she said quietly.
“My friends get killed.”
“Who? Besides Deanna? Dare’s somewhere in this building living his best life. Tim is apparently either puking or doing the other thing. So who has Huisman hurt because you liked them too much?”
“Your sister. He thought…” Ben frowned. “Well, he knew who she was, but he was well aware I didn’t know. So he hurt Kala to hurt me.”
And now she had to question his professional analysis.
“Ben, he hurt Kala because she offended him. By being our father’s daughter.
By being a woman. I was going to say a strong woman, but I think he hates all of us.
No matter who we are. I think in a weird way, he’s attracted to her strength, and that makes him want to break her. ”
“He wants to hurt me,” Ben insisted.
Her heart ached because she understood. He’d lost so much, spent years of his life hunting this man, and the thought that it wasn’t all about him was… She couldn’t imagine. “All right, Ben. He wants to hurt you. Well, when we’re gone he won’t be able to use us that way.”
A long moment of silence filled the air, and she was ready to walk away when he finally spoke again, the words sounding tortured. “I don’t fucking want to lose you.”
“You never truly had me.”
“It felt like I did. It felt like I was becoming part of all of it.”
“But you don’t want to be.” That was the hardest acknowledgment of all.
“Of course I do. Do you honestly think I don’t want a family? That I don’t want to be able to wrap my arms around you and hold you tight? Fuck it. If I say the words, will you come back to me?”
“You wouldn’t mean them.” She’d thought about nothing else all night. “Ben, I’m not the woman for you. I wish I was. You can’t conceive of how much I wish I was the woman who made you want to heal yourself, but I’m not.”
“Killing Manny will heal me and then we can be together. I’ll say the words.”
“No, you’ll kill Manny and then be left with an aching void. You’ll have to figure out who you are without him defining your life. I know you’re going to hate me saying this, but therapy helps.”
“I don’t need fucking therapy,” he said, his hands in fists before he seemed to realize what he was doing. He took a deep breath, as though forcing himself to calm down. “Kenzie, I’m not crazy.”
“It’s not about being crazy.” If he didn’t even understand that, he wasn’t close to getting to the heart of the problem. “It’s about talking through your feelings. They’re complex.”
“There is nothing complex about how I feel about Huisman. I hate him. It’s quite simple.” There was a darkness in his eyes that frightened her. Not that he would physically harm her. Despite the bruises on her wrist, she wasn’t afraid of Ben Parker.
She was afraid for him. But he didn’t want to hear that.
“I was talking about your feelings for me.” He’d gone straight to Huisman because when it came to feelings, his old friend seemed to get the lion’s share.
His face fell. “They’re not complex either.
Baby, I want you. I want you so much I sometimes can’t think of anything else.
I’ve told you I’ll give you everything you want.
I’ll say all the I love yous and I’ll give you grand gestures and make your life a damn rom com if you’ll wait for me to figure this whole thing out. ”
“Because all I want is the grand gestures, right?” She’d been such an idiot to think he’d really seen her, really known her. “I want life to be like a movie so I don’t ever have to do any hard work or tax my brain.”
“I didn’t say that.” The words came out in a soft tone, no hint of offense. “I know how smart you are. I know how hard you work. I’m struggling here, Kenz. I’m trying to give you what you need.”
“Did you think I worked for Huisman?”
“No.” He said it with a sigh. “I didn’t mean most of what I said last night.
I was angry and Manny spun me up. Then I felt ashamed because everyone is right.
I should have put that together. I’m still upset about it.
But I know you’re not working with him. I’m sorry.
I will try to keep my temper from now on. ”
He was so close. It wouldn’t work without therapy. He might learn to shove the anger down, but it would be there. Waiting to explode. She was about to explain that to him when his cell buzzed.
He pulled it out and his jaw went tight.
Huisman.
Her gut twisted. “Don’t answer it.”
“He’s not calling. It’s a text.” His fingers moved across the screen. “Naturally. I have to deal with this.”
Panic flared. “You have to call Joseph or wait for my dad. I’ll call him now.”
He walked out, not giving her a backward glance.
* * * *