9. Chapter 9
Chapter nine
“ O h my goodness, I wish I could have seen that!” I exclaim. “A one-two punch from Mateo to Lana for the game-winning shot? Epic.”
“You need to have someone video these games for us, Beef,” Amaya adds. Lana grins at our enthusiasm. She and Mateo have been playing on a recreational soccer team together ever since Mateo rehabbed from his ankle injury but retired from professional soccer. In college, Lana never told us that she was a closet soccer connoisseur until she started dating Mateo. Amaya and I teased her about that for a long time, but she quickly converted us into casual soccer fans. Even if I still don’t understand all the rules, despite her repeated attempts to explain.
“How was the silent disco?” Amaya asks me. My heart beats wildly, then jumps up into my throat, making breathing a challenge.
“Super fun!” I squeak.
Amaya narrows her eyes at me. “Why are you being weird about it?”
I huff. “I’m not being weird.”
“Yes, you are,” Lana agrees.
Phooey .
“It was super fun! There’s nothing weird about that!” Both faces stare me down through the screen. “Fine, there was one minor snafu, but it turned out to not be a huge deal at all. And I had a great time.”
“What snafu?” Amaya asks, eyebrow raised.
“Well, originally, five of us from small group were supposed to go, but several people had to cancel the day of the event. So it wound up being only two of us,” I say, eyes darting around the screen but not maintaining eye contact.
“And that was you and . . . your ex?” Lana deduces.
“Wait, you spent the weekend alone with your ex and didn’t think to lead the call with that information?” Amaya exclaims. Lana hums her agreement.
“I didn’t lead with that information because it wasn’t a big deal. We had a good time as friends at the disco, and nothing was awkward at all. We’re being total grown-ups about it.”
“Sure,” Amaya states.
I roll my eyes. “Maybe this is why I didn’t lead with this information! Because you’re making it a bigger deal than it is.”
Lana looks locked and loaded with more commentary. I need a diversion.
“Now, would you two like to hear about the actual life crisis I’m dealing with?” I ask. I may not have been ready to discuss my doubts about my future yet, but sacrifices must be made in the name of diverting attention from Brooks.
“What do you mean, life crisis?” Lana bursts out.
Here goes nothing . “Well, you know this is the final year of my initial commitment on Arrow staff and that I’d been planning on signing on for another two years,” I begin. They nod. “This might seem kind of out of the blue, probably because it is a little out of the blue, but I’ve been having some . . . doubts about if I want to recommit or not.”
Their eyebrows shoot up in unison, as though they had choreographed their reactions ahead of time. I clarify, “Doubt is maybe too strong of a word. Questions? Hesitation? Minor uncertainty?”
“It’s okay to change your mind, Teeg,” Amaya says. “There’s nothing wrong with deciding to do something different. But what’s making you question things?”
“Is it because you were feeling burned out at the start of the school year?” Lana asks.
I blow a breath through the hair on my face. “Not exactly. I’m actively trying to head off the job burnout because I know that’s not a good mental state for making huge life decisions. I’ve been feeling better since I joined the church small group. You were right that I needed some friendships with peers outside of the students in Arrow. Plus, I had so much fun dancing this weekend that just a little bit ago I looked up a gym in town that offers a dance exercise class a couple of times a week. I’m going to try to go at least once a week so I have a hobby that’s not related to Arrow.”
“You’re welcome for that advice,” Amaya teases.
“A million thanks,” I say with a smile. “I’ve been thinking a lot about teaching lately, about being around younger kids and making a difference in their lives. I really enjoyed my student teaching experience, even though, by that point, I already knew I’d be joining Arrow’s staff instead of becoming a teacher. It’s like this ‘road not taken’ that keeps beckoning, making me curious about what could have been.”
“Do you regret staying on staff at Townsend?” Lana asks, head cocked to one side.
“No! Not at all!” I emphasize. “I’ve loved loved loved these years on staff. It’s been a dream job. I guess I’m trying to figure out if it’s still the dream for the next phase of my life or not. But is it bad that I’d consider doing something else when helping college students grow spiritually is so impactful? Am I wrong to even think about quitting when something so meaningful is something I enjoy, something I’m good at?”
“Teegs, no!” Lana asserts. “It’s not bad to consider doing something else! It’s not like working with college students is the only meaningful thing you can do with your life. You’d make an incredible impact as a special ed teacher. Or any other path you might choose to pursue. You’d make an impact because of who you are as a person, not because of your paid vocation.”
“Not to mention, it wouldn’t be quitting, Beef,” Amaya jumps in. “You’re coming to the end of your commitment, so choosing not to recommit isn’t quitting. You can extend your commitment, or you can move on. Either choice is valid. Pray about it, process the options, let us know how we can help you—but don’t beat yourself up for considering a change.”
“Ahhh, thanks, Beefs,” I say. “I’ve been afraid to vocalize this to anyone. But I know I should never be afraid to tell you two anything. I’m not even close to making a decision, but I’m grateful to have you as a sounding board. ”
“We’re here any time you need us,” Lana says. “Except right this minute. Because I have to leave to go to a study group session for a giant test tomorrow. I can’t wait to be done with law school,” she concludes with a sigh.
“Good luck, LaLa! I’ll be praying for your test!” I respond. “And hope you have a killer week at work, Amaya!” I blow kisses into the screen before signing off.
Clutching my phone to my chest, I exhale a sigh of relief. Dodged the bullet. Wait, no I didn’t. There’s no bullet to dodge! They can side-eye me all they want, but there’s nothing to worry about with Brooks.
Nothing to worry about at all.
I bolt upright in bed, cheeks moist, chest heaving.
No. No, no, no. I haven’t had that dream in years.
Looking at the clock, I see it’s a little past 6:00 a.m., long before my alarm was set to go off at 7:00 to get ready for our Monday morning staff meeting. My heart is racing, and I know I won’t be able to fall back asleep.
I quickly dress in leggings and a t-shirt, sweeping my hair up into a ponytail. The shower is running in the bathroom, which means Gina must be awake already. Slipping my phone into my pocket, I sneak out the front door to avoid having to talk with her yet.
The sun is barely beginning to cast light into the darkness, leaving the early morning draped in charcoal gray. I turn down the sidewalk, my feet moving on autopilot as they carry me toward my regular prayer walk path. When my mind is most muddled, I need movement to help me get my thoughts out.
I’m so confused, God. Why did Brooks have to come back into my life? Why now? Was this just your way of pointing me back to teaching? Couldn’t you have found some other arrow to point me in that direction? Why did it have to be the one person I can’t afford to get close to again? The one person I have such a hard time resisting?
Why would you be this cruel ?
A single tear slips down my cheek. I wipe it away and quicken my pace, determined to outrun the pain.
Okay, I’m listening to your plans for my future. Please help me figure out what I’m supposed to do. What you want me to do. Whether it’s continuing on Arrow staff for a few more years, or if it’s teaching, or something completely different. Maybe you want me to be a flight attendant? Except I really don’t know if I could handle stressed-out people yelling at me all day. Could it not be that, please?
I’m suddenly role-playing imaginary conversations with angry passengers who didn’t want to check their overly-large carry-on bags when my elbow bumps into someone running in the opposite direction.
“Whoa there, Teegan!” Bailey says, slowing to a stop and pulling out her earbud. “I know it’s still a little dark, but watch out.” She says this with a smile, so I don’t think she’s upset with me. Interesting .
“I’m so sorry, Bailey! I don’t think I’m fully awake yet,” I apologize.
She gives a slight laugh. “It’s okay. I get lost in my thoughts sometimes too.”
We stand there, awkwardly smiling at each other for a beat.
“Hey, I’d still love to hang out sometime,” Bailey says.
“Yeah, for sure!” I respond, channeling cheer into my voice. “Maybe we could grab dinner sometime after you’re off work? Or lunch on a weekend?”
“I’ll text you about it,” Bailey replies with a nod. “See you soon, hopefully!”
She puts her earbud back in right as I call out, “Enjoy the rest of your run!”
Running into my other blast from the past sends my thoughts to Brooks again. To him still going to the disco with me after everyone else bailed. To him bringing my favorite snacks and our easy conversation. To the pure enjoyment of dancing our cares away together. To the look on his face when he stepped in to rescue me.
To the look on his face on the drive home, right before he was about to apologize for our past .
I can’t risk that again. Please, God, help me to keep my distance emotionally. I want to be friendly at small group, but I can’t handle more.
Help me.