Chapter 9
Lila
Caleb Caldwell came into the diner like a vision in all-black, sharp athletic clothes. I was already feeling like I was head over heels, and then he leaned down and kissed me on the mouth. He was unashamed about doing it, and my heart soared. I felt like life couldn't get any better. In those seconds, as he was walking into the diner and greeting me, I was a princess and Caleb Caldwell was a knight in shining armor. It crossed my mind that it was too good to be true.
Within two minutes, I found out that it was.
Caleb looked at me with a different expression the second our waitress finished taking his order and walked away. It was like he was waiting for us to be alone.
"We need to talk about something before we get started."
"Oh, no," I said, shaking my head.
He had a serious expression, but I still had hope that whatever he had to say wasn't going to be a big deal. There was a little doubt, though.
"I had a whole good way of saying this… I had a thing planned out that I was going to say, and… now I'm looking at you, and it seems like it's going to be hard. I want no hurdles between us, Lila. I'm sorry for what I'm about to say."
"Oh, gosh, don't even… are you messing with me?"
I smiled. He was a funny guy, and he messed with me and teased me sometimes. I prayed this was one of those times.
He did not smile.
"I've been thinking about this all day, and there's just no way to… I'm sorry. I'm fumbling. This isn't… it shouldn't be a big deal. I don't think it's that big of a deal."
"Then why are you making it one?"
"Because it's real-life stuff. I know it's early to be getting that deep and serious with you, but I need to because your answers to some of these questions are going to affect my decisions moving forward. I have to adjust my sails based on how you react."
I blinked at him. He was nervous and anxious, and I felt in my bones that this was some kind of bad news.
"Is there another woman in California, Caleb?" I was staring straight at him when I asked it. My tone was quiet and serious. He started to say something and then he sighed, looking defeated.
My heart broke in that moment. I suddenly knew I was the outsider, and I was crushed about it. I felt sick to my stomach. How was it that he walked in and kissed me just before this? I had assumed all was well.
"Would you please hear me out about it?" he asked, seeing my expression change.
I squinted at him. "Did you lie to me about there being someone else?"
Even as I asked it, I glanced down and evaluated the things on the table. I could pick up the books and bag and be on my way within seconds.
"No. I didn't lie. I'm not with anyone."
I tilted my head, looking confused. "Then what are you telling me right now?"
"I do need to talk to you about someone who's in my life in California, but it's not romantic."
"Do you have a daughter?"
"No, I've never even, no. I don't have a daughter. I have a friend, a partner, you know, she's the one who… she does a lot for me with my channel and everything. We're a team with my work."
I blinked at him, feeling stunned and trying to compute what he was saying. "If she's just your business partner, then what's the big deal? Why are you so serious and worried like this is a confrontation?"
"Because she's in love with me. She's been that way for years. She doesn't say it anymore, but back in the day, she used to. I didn't want to hurt her. I didn't think I would ever want to be with anybody. I didn't know this would happen. I told Bailey that if I would ever want to be with someone it would be someone like her. I felt like that was true at the time. This whole thing with you came out of nowhere. It would crush her for me to be interested in someone else."
I became silent. I stared at him, unmoving. I barely held back the burning stinging tears that threatened to begin pouring out of my eyes. I was so angry I could just burst. I begged myself to hold it together. It had only been three days. I should have known there would be surprises. Already, it felt like I was in too deep. The anger, pain, and frustration I felt in that moment was so real that I knew I had to get out of there.
I stood, picked up the books, and grabbed my bag.
"Lila, Lila, please don't go," he whispered, putting a hand out to stop me. "Please stay. Please don't go. I'm trying to be open with you here."
"A little too open, if you ask me, Caleb." I tried not to cry. "I do not want to hear about how crushed someone else is going to be over you talking to me."
"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said it like that. None of this came out like I wanted. I had a plan. I had a whole thing about how it was Paul's own self who made him not eat those three days, and I— please don't go, Lila."
We both stood, but we stayed there, near the edge of the booth. We were close and his hand was on my arm. I wanted to trust him. I wanted to stay. But this was too much. I was starting to have such strong feelings for Caleb that this news made my gut ache. I felt nauseated at the thought of someone else holding a torch for him.
I knew it.
"Lila, let's go somewhere else together so we can talk. Or let's stay here. Please, just let me talk to you. Stay with me and hear me out. Please don't go." There were other people in the diner, and I didn't want to cause a scene. He was talking quietly, so he must've felt the same way.
"I'm going to use the restroom," I said. "I'll be back in a second."
"Are you coming back?"
"I said I was."
"Why are you taking your stuff?"
I set the books down on the corner of the table and took off toward the restroom holding the bag and my purse. I was shaken and hurt, and the stubborn side of me wanted to sneak out of the bathroom window. I envisioned the whole thing—my legs dangling as I climbed out of a high window.
There was no window in the bathroom, anyway. I could just walk out of the diner when I was done. I could go back to the table pick up my books and tell Caleb I was leaving. I obviously wasn't going to continue with a history lesson.
I liked Caleb so much that it stung. We already had several long conversations, and I had given him the inside scoop of my family. I trusted him, and it made me sick to my stomach to learn that there was someone else's feelings he cared about.
I used the restroom even though I really didn't need to. I went through the motions of doing that and then washing my hands. I stared at myself in the mirror wondering how I could've been such a fool. How had I missed it? He had been oddly nervous to kiss me.
He had said things to make me know it was uncomfortable. But I had straight up asked him if there was another woman.
I had seen the woman in question. She was in a few of his pictures. I knew who he was talking about, and she was pretty. I experienced a wave of nausea at the memory of it. I glanced at myself in the mirror and I felt like such a love-sick fool. My heart was shattered, and I was angry with myself over it. By the time I was finished washing my hands, I had convinced myself that I was going to retrieve my books and leave. I was already feeling pain, and I knew staying would only deepen and prolong that feeling. I wanted to go ahead and rip off the bandage.
I dried my hands with an obnoxiously loud blow dryer, not even caring what I was doing. I was ready to get out of that restaurant. I moved quickly, feeling determined. I flung open the bathroom door, and Caleb was standing there, in the hallway, staring at me. It startled me to see him there.
"What are you doing?" I asked quietly, looking around.
"Waiting for you. I thought you might leave."
"I didn't." I blinked, staring into his eyes. He was just a few feet away, and I wanted to fall into his arms. But there was someone else, and I just couldn't entertain feelings for him.
"Please don't."
"You lied to me," I said, looking straight at him.
"No, I didn't," he said. "I am not with her, and I do not have feelings for her."
I shook my head stubbornly. "But you do, Caleb, or we wouldn't be here right now. I asked if you had someone, and you told me you didn't."
"I don't. I didn't lie to you, Lila. I wanted to tell you, but this is all so fast, and… can you just come sit back at the table so we can talk? Or can we go in the car? Please say you'll hear me out. I know we can work it out. I'm desperate, Lila. Please. I never thought I would be in this position. Please just be patient for one minute and let me talk to you." He had reached out to hold my hand. I let him because, honestly, I was desperate for his touch.
"You're breaking my heart already, Caleb. This is too much." I said, trying not to cry.
He touched my cheek with his finger, urging me to look at him. I glanced that way, and my eyes met his.
"I'm sorry, but I’m going to fix it. Just please talk to me and let me explain. I know we can work it out if I can explain it right."
"You already did. You have a woman in California who works with you and who loves you, right?"
"Yes, but I don't have her. The other things are true, but I don’t have a woman. She's not mine. If I did, I wouldn't be here with you. That's what I'm trying to say. I'm sorry it came out all wrong, and I'm sorry we're in this position in the first place, but would you please come back to the table with me?" He walked with my hand in his, heading back into the restaurant. I went with him.