Chapter 10
Caleb
"I brought your pie and fries, but I was watching it because I didn't know when you'd be back."
It was their server who said it, and Caleb looked over his shoulder and thanked her even though the food was no longer a priority. Lila was upset, and seeing it was like a crushing weight on his chest. He couldn't wait to clear the air and explain everything to her. He had caused her pain, and it was the last thing he wanted to do.
She looked at him like she was not-so-patiently waiting for him to speak. She blinked, and he could see the pain and disappointment in her eyes. It made his heart ache. He wanted this hurdle to just disappear. But there was no way to make that happen.
"I have never felt this way about anyone," he said, being honest. "I dated women when I was younger, and even then, nothing was ever like this feeling, Lila. If you don’t hear me say anything else, hear that. You are different to me. The way my heart reacts to you is not the way it reacts to anyone else." He stared at her, speaking the truth, even though it felt like it wasn't enough. "These last few days have been insane for me with all the new feelings."
"Me too. I'm having feelings too, Caleb."
"Well, good. I want you to have feelings. I knew we were both feeling things. That's why we need to talk right now instead of rushing off."
"You already said what you need to say. There's someone in your life."
"Yeah, but she's not in my life. Not in that way."
"But it's in some type of way, Caleb. It's enough that we're not talking about history right now. There are complications. There's someone in your life and no one in mine. You lied, and I didn't."
"She's not in my life. I mean, she is, but it's not like what you're saying."
He hesitated and she shook her head. "It's too complicated, Caleb. This news is really changing things."
"I know, and I'm sorry. I didn't expect to meet you, Lila. And I certainly didn't expect to feel this way about you."
"Yeah, but you did, Caleb, and after that, you lied. You told me there was no one else."
"There is no one. No one like you."
"Don't. Let's just take a step back."
"No. I mean it. She's been my best friend for five years, and I'm willing to…" he couldn't even finish the sentence. He didn't know what he was willing to do. Leave Bailey? Leave California? At the moment, those things seemed reasonable to him. Then he remembered how tangled his roots were there. His family was there, and so many people he had networked with for his work.
"She helps me with everything," he said honestly. "She's just so tied in with my work. It's going to take some steps to figure things out, logistically."
"That's fine, but she also loves you. That's what I'm concerned with. I don't do drama."
"I-I honestly thought she would get tired of waiting for me and fall in love with someone, but she… I never dreamed I would be the one who found someone." He breathed a sigh. "Yes, I have a few issues—a little drama that I'm not creating. But I really want to figure this out. Please. I'm begging you to stick with me through this." He swallowed. His mouth was dry and his heart was pounding. His palms were sweaty. She stared blankly at him—no smile, no expression.
"I'm sure everything you said just now was great, Caleb. I think it was probably heartfelt and everything. But the words that kept replaying in my mind were that she's your best friend and she helps you with everything. I also heard you say that she loves you. I'm sorry, but I have feelings and it hurts them to hear those things."
"I'm so sorry, Lila. I don't want to hurt your feelings. It's the last thing I want to do."
She blinked at him. Her eyes were glossy. He could tell she was feeling emotional, but she was being stoic about it, and it broke his heart.
"How would you feel if I was telling you this same thing right now?"
Caleb started to tell her that he would try to understand, and then he thought about the question. He took a second to put himself in her shoes. He imagined Lila telling him that there was a man in her life who was in love with her.
Caleb felt choked, like he couldn't get enough air into his lungs. There was an actual pain in his chest. He took a deep calming breath before he could answer her question. He tried not to show his emotion. But he would not be okay if she was saying the same thing. He didn't even want to imagine it. He swallowed.
"I would not like it," he said, aware of how choppy his words sounded.
"I'm glad you can see that," she said.
She looked more and more emotionless by the second. He could see and feel her slipping away. His heart was actively breaking. She moved. She was gathering her things again.
"Lila," he said with quiet urgency.
She stopped moving and stared at him. "There's really nothing else to say," she said. "I'm not going to talk about history or life with you right now, Caleb. You've got things to deal with. I'm not just going to sit here and relax and talk to you like I would have done before you brought up any of this. This news changes things. You have things to work out before we can continue the way we were."
"I know, but I'm here for two more days. Am I not going to see you?"
"No, I guess you're not. I don't know what to tell you other than this is too messy. I should have known when you wouldn't tell Kevin. It's so embarrassing. You can't tell me your best friend is in love with you and then try to think everything's still normal and on track with us."
She stood, and he got to the edge of the booth.
"Lila, please tell me you'll still give me a chance after I—" He couldn't even say it. He didn't know what his next move was. "Tell me you'll wait for me."
She gave him a blank but confused expression. "I can't promise that. What if you go back to California and realize that all this was a mistake? What if you have everything you want there and you just never call me back?"
"That would never happen."
She moved and he put his hand out to stop her, but she pulled her arm away. "Just please finish what you need to with your stuff and then maybe we can try this again," she said.
She was quiet and discreet, but she was hurt and angry and Caleb didn't feel like there was anything he could say.
She left.
She walked out.
He wanted to go after her, but his feet simply would not move. He didn't know what he would say when he did catch up to her. His heart was breaking. He was nauseous and overwhelmed. The ache hit him physically. He wasn't thinking clearly. He sat down because he felt lightheaded. The conversation had not gone the way he hoped or thought it would, and it had sent him spinning. Lila walked out of the door, and he didn't even turn to look that way again.
Caleb felt helpless and wrecked and found it hard to get a breath of air into his lungs. He closed his eyes and spoke a prayer inwardly. He had come so far in his faith journey that it was extremely rare for him to question God. But the first words to cross his mind were, I thought You said everything was going to be okay. You told me it was meant to be. You gave me these feelings. Then he tried to check himself and he prayed, please help me to know the next step .
Caleb was questioning himself as he opened his eyes. The pain was real, but Caleb's face morphed into a fake smile because their server was standing at the edge of their booth. He held the smile.
"Sorry if I interrupted you saying grace."
"Oh, no, I was finished," he said vaguely.
"I noticed she left and I was wondering if you were staying or if you… wanted… still wanted to eat. I can get you a box." She spoke slowly like she was uncertain and didn't want to overstep.
"Oh, no, I'm going to stay for a minute and finish a little of this coffee, but I will take a box."
She nodded but then hesitated. "I'm sorry, but I keep wanting to ask every time you guys come in here, and I keep chickening out, but… are you… do you happen to be Makoa's son?"
"I-uh, yes."
"Kai? Are you Kai from the Kings of the Pacific?"
"Yes," he said with a patient smile even though it was the last thing he wanted to discuss.
"I knew it was you!" she said with delight. "I told the guys in the kitchen about it, and Cameron said you have a YouTube channel that his brother watches. He showed it to us in the back. I didn't even know you were on there."
"Oh, yeah, a lot of people don't realize I'm the same guy from both things," he said even though he wasn't sure if the statement made any sense. He was smiling and on auto-pilot.
"I'm going to comp your order tonight. I can bring a to-go cup for your coffee, too. Hey, would you mind if I get a quick photo with you?"
"Uh, yes, thank you, but you don't have to—I can pay for my tab."
"No, no, it's fine. It's just pie and fries. I'll mark it as a comp. It's so cool that you come in here. I was so mad at you about Makoa, though."
She spoke to him for another minute and then and helped him package the food. They took a picture together and one of the cooks came out to talk to him as well. Caleb smiled and pretended everything hadn't just fallen apart with Lila. He was normally a strong, dominant, take-charge sort of man, and he left that diner feeling all turned around and mixed up. He was confused as to how it could have gone so very wrong with Lila. He acted normal and made it through the conversations, but war was being waged in his mind.
Caleb went through the motions for the next two days while he was in Chicago. He met with a few different athletes and even saw Lila's brother again at the gym. He made more video and continued to be as productive as possible. He sent the footage to Bailey. He knew he would have to take care of things with her when they were face-to-face, and those days before he could talk to her were awkward for him.
His soul was restless, and he prayed constantly for answers but never got any. He wanted to see Lila again before he left Chicago but it didn't happen. He was nervous and overwhelmed at the thought of breaking Bailey's heart, but the feelings were worse when he considered breaking Lila's. His own feelings were tied in with Lila's.
He went on with his life as best he could, interacting with Marcus, his family, and the other athletes in Chicago. But it took a lot out of him. He was already feeling under the weather by the end of his trip, and his first day back in L.A., he woke up feeling feverish and out of it with a horrible sore throat. It had also been four days since he had seen or heard from Lila. He was officially miserable.