Chapter Twelve
Nico
It was two in the fucking morning and I was still staring at my fucking ceiling wondering what the ever-loving shit I had done.
Kissing Toby was one thing. That could’ve been written off as a mistake, especially if it was only one kiss.
Getting off with him in front of the mirror, though? That was a whole new level of fucking around, and one I shouldn’t have gone anywhere near.
Falling for your dance partner was a common occurrence, especially considering how much time people spent in close contact with them.
And while it technically went against some of the wording in our Come Dancing With Me contracts, that didn’t mean shit when people’s emotions, and libidos, were involved.
There’d been numerous stories, and scandals, over the years of relationships developing on the show—everything from quick flings, some of which had even caused divorces, to full-on, long-term love affairs.
One dancer and her celebrity partner had even gotten married, and although the production team had tried to spin it positively, the British media had run with it in the opposite direction.
Mostly because the actor she’d been partnered with had left his wife for her, though his PR team had done their best to cover it up and make it look completely amicable.
I’d done my best to avoid scandal over the years, and since pretty much all my partners on the show had been women, it had been fairly easy.
I’d had an on-off thing with another dancer for a few years—since we were both gay, single, and in the same place—but we’d called that off when the press had been sniffing around.
There weren’t any rules against dancers being together, and I’d been openly gay since I started on the show, but neither of us had wanted to find ourselves the subject of a million clickbait articles and risk not having our contracts renewed.
And we’d both known that the show’s legal team could easily find a way to word it that didn’t make it sound like discrimination.
But Toby… Things would not be easy to smooth over if people found out about Toby and me. And I didn’t know if I could survive that level of scrutiny.
That probably shouldn’t have been the first thing I thought about, but it was impossible to ignore. Underground Dreaming might have disbanded over four years ago, but their fame was still stratospheric, and Toby continued to live under a microscope. Or thought he did.
And I didn’t want to make his life more difficult either.
But the thought of ignoring it and dismissing this as a one-time thing sat uncomfortably in my stomach. It almost felt cowardly.
I’d never been one to run away from things and that was exactly what I’d be doing.
The whole situation might be a complete shitshow, but I didn’t think it was one we could pretend had never happened.
Not if we wanted to get through the next ten days or so without the lingering tension exploding.
And the last thing I wanted was for things to end badly between us because we refused to acknowledge what we’d done.
We should do that and draw a line under the whole thing.
Even if I couldn’t stop thinking about the taste of his mouth, the way he’d moaned, the softness of his skin, or the way he’d fallen apart in my hands.
Doing anything else with Toby would get me a level of infamy I’d never be able to come back from. My entire future career would be haunted by the stories, and while it might boost class and workshop sign-ups, I wanted people to come to me on merit, not who I’d shagged.
Acting any further on my feelings for Toby would be a fucking ridiculous idea. One that went against all logic and reasoning.
But that didn’t mean I was going to listen.
After all, I’d never let anyone tell me what I couldn’t do. Least of all myself.
I was dragging myself through rehearsals for this week’s professional group number when Toby messaged me. I’d grabbed my phone out of my bag during our break with the intention of saying something, but he’d beaten me to it.
Seeing his name made me smile, though, and I flopped on the floor with my protein bar as I read his message, wishing I could swap the bar for some of Mrs Nolan’s gingerbread.
Toby
Hey, how’re you doing today? I was doing some thinking about yesterday and I hoped we could meet up to talk about it. I think it’s the best thing to do considering we still have training and the show to get through and I’m really sorry if this has made everything awkward.
Toby
Anyway let me know what you’re up to this evening. If you fancy it, you could come to my house. I could make us dinner? =D
He was clearly having the same thoughts I was, and as hesitant as I was to be totally alone with him, there was no other choice. Mostly I was afraid we’d end up skipping the conversation in favour of fucking and then we’d find ourselves back at the beginning again.
If it had been anyone other than Toby, I’d have suggested we find a nice bar to go to, so we could lay everything out between us without the risk of us getting naked as soon as one of us opened our mouth. But that was out because I wasn’t willing to risk Toby’s safety in any way, shape, or form.
So dinner at Toby’s it was.
Nico
I’m fucking tired. These rehearsals are killing me. I think we should talk too. I’ll come to yours after I’m done here if that works? Just send me your address.
Toby
Oh no, I hope things get better. Although maybe now you can sympathise with me ;D I’ll send you a map pin for the gate and then I’ll come meet you. You’ll need to give them your name, but I’ll make sure you’re on the list. Any requests for dinner?
Toby
Mrs Nolan asked if you like lamb. If so she’ll do lamb shanks
Nico
I thought you were making dinner?
Toby
Apparently I have been banished from the kitchen for the foreseeable future because I melted Mrs Nolan’s favourite spatula last week and scratched the best non-stick pan. I am only allowed to use the microwave and make toast or cereal—nothing that involves actual cooking.
Nico
Lamb sounds great. Please say thanks to Mrs N.
I smiled to myself as I reread his messages. From what I’d heard about Mrs Nolan, I could well imagine her chasing Toby out of the kitchen and making him stay out.
I was glad he’d reached out though, and despite my uncertainty about everything, I was looking forward to seeing him again. Just thinking about it sent a strange fluttering through my chest, and if I didn’t know better, I’d have said I had butterflies.
Nico
Can’t wait to see you again later
It might have been a bit much, but fuck it, if I didn’t put it out there, I’d regret it. And I wanted Toby to stop worrying about how I was feeling. Because I already knew he was.
I took another bite of my protein bar and locked my phone.
At least I had some motivation to get through rehearsals now.
When I finally got to the location Toby had given me, my stomach sank.
I knew I was in the right place—it was obvious by the security gate manned by two guards dressed in black with high-vis edges on their heavy overcoats and the street of impeccable white-brick townhouses beyond it—but it suddenly reminded me how fucking different we were.
There was an uncomfortable bubbling in my abdomen and bile prickled the back of my throat. I’d never been in a situation that made me feel like this and I didn’t know how to deal with it.
I took a deep breath and swallowed, running my hand lightly over the top of my head. I was going to suck it up—that was what I was going to do. The amount of wealth here might have been overwhelming but I wasn’t going to let it get to me.
“Hi,” I said as I approached the guard post. “I’m Nico Hamilton. I’m here to see Toby Darling.”
The guy inside grunted as he looked down at the screen in front of him. “Do you have any ID?”
“Oh, er, yeah.” I dug my wallet out of my coat pocket and pulled out my driving licence, holding it out for the man to examine. I suddenly wondered if I’d need to go through a body scanner or have my bag checked.
The man grunted in approval, then picked up a phone and dialled. “Excuse me, Mr Darling, your guest is here.” He nodded and hung up before gesturing at the gate with his head. “You can go through. My colleague will need to check your bag.”
Apparently, I did. Luckily, I’d gone home to shower and change, so it wasn’t full of sweaty dance gear, just my water bottle, phone charger, and a box of chocolates I’d grabbed for Mrs Nolan as a thank you.
When I was finally allowed to step through the gate, I saw Toby striding along the pavement in a jumper and jeans. He smiled brightly when he saw me, waving wildly like I was trying to spot him in a crowd. It was so adorable I couldn’t help but grin.
I was glad that what we’d done yesterday didn’t seem to have changed things between us.
At least, not noticeably. Not yet.
“You made it,” he said when he reached me, his voice slightly breathless like he’d been running. “They didn’t give you a hard time, did they?”
“No, but I didn’t realise I was going to be searched,” I said with a chuckle.
“They searched you?”
“Just my bag. I think they were worried I was smuggling something in.”
“Were you?”
“No. Unless you count a box of chocolates for Mrs N as contraband.”
“Oh, she’s going to love you,” Toby said as we started walking back in the direction he’d come from. “She’s already a big fan of yours, but this is going to take the cake.”
He shivered slightly and I raised an eyebrow. The temperature had really dropped in the last week, and it couldn’t be much above freezing. “Is there a reason you’re not wearing a coat?”
“I didn’t realise how cold it was out here,” he said. “And by the time I did, I was already on my way. Anyway, it’s not exactly far. I’m not going to suffer.”
“You’re shivering.”
“I’ll be fine.”
I sighed. “Do you want my coat?”
“No, no, I couldn’t.” He smiled softly and shyly held out his hand. “But maybe you could hold my hand? Your hands are always nice and warm.”
How the fuck could I resist that? I put my hand out and took his, lifting it gently to my lips for a second to brush a kiss over his knuckles. His skin was cold and pale, and I squeezed his hand tightly, hoping to inject a little heat into it.
I didn’t know what the hell we were doing. We hadn’t even gotten to the conversation we were supposed to have. But that hadn’t stopped me from taking his hand.
Because as much as I might want to deny it, to pretend I knew better, there was something about Toby that made my chest flutter.
It was the sort of feeling that made me want to break all the rules, even if it ruined everything.