Chapter 21
‘Hey, love. When you left my office about two hours ago, you were looking great. Now you look like you have the weight of the world on your shoulders. What’s up?’ Jacqui rubbed my arm and frowned at me.
‘You wouldn’t believe me if I told you,’ I responded.
‘Try me,’ was her response. ‘We’ve got five miles to walk, so we have plenty of time before we get to Driftwood Bay. Although those clouds above look like we might regret walking. Come on, lovely, out with it. You never know, it might help to share.’
Once I started, everything came pouring out. How Makis had turned up out of the blue and how I thought at first that it was Demetri who had come back. Then how he’d been staying and wanted to stay for longer and now the investor news.
‘OK, so let’s break all this down. How did you feel when you saw his brother and thought it was him?’
I found it hard to put into words. It was totally and utterly overwhelming at the time.
‘My heart lifted when I saw him. I thought he’d come back.
I really loved him, Jacqui, and I thought he loved me back.
I thought we had a really bright future ahead of us and it took me ages to work out that it was what I wanted.
Demetri was so patient with me and so bloody lovely really, putting up with my shit.
I tried so hard to push him away but he was just there, always telling me how much I meant to him and that however much I pushed him away, his love would be strong enough for the both of us.
But then I went and trusted him and he let me down by leaving anyway. ’
‘From what you told me, he had no choice,’ she reminded me. ‘A terminally ill mother would make most of us give up everything to go and look after her. He’s just shown what a nice man he is. Would you rather he didn’t care about his mother?’
‘Yeah, I know that, and that’s what’s kept me going, but now Makis is here and Demetri isn’t. Makis says that his mother isn’t that ill so I don’t know what that was all about.’
‘But do you trust someone you’ve only just met? Or do you trust Demetri? I know who I’d be putting my money on. Or are you just trusting Makis because you want to see Demetri as the bad guy because it’s easier to let him go that way?’
That wasn’t something I had even considered I was doing, but I wondered if she was right. Was that the reason why I wanted to believe Makis and blame Demetri instead? Jacqui was so good at giving both sides to a story. She was always so balanced with her view. I was so confused.
‘I’ve missed him so much, Jacqui. I’ve not really admitted that to anyone but it has thrown up a lot for me. How I push things away when they get hard. How I bury myself in my work so I don’t have to process things.’
‘Back up, lady. What things are we talking about?’
As we walked and talked, I told her about my parents passing away. How my boyfriend at the time had left me, while Mum was ill, then came back after she’d died, then how when Dad died, he left again. And then how my brother a few weeks later had declared that he was going to live in Canada.
‘God, Michelle. It’s no wonder you were in a state over Demetri. Just one of the things you’ve mentioned to me would be bad enough. You’ve had one trauma on top of another. You poor, poor thing.’
‘I don’t want anyone’s sympathy, Jacqui. I’m strong and I’ve been able to cope. This is something that I should be coping with.’
‘Darling, stop walking and look at me.’ My footsteps stopped but I didn’t turn round. My feet felt like lead and I just couldn’t move my body. Couldn’t face her. I couldn’t risk seeing her sympathy. It would break me.
Jacqui walked around to the front of me, and a tear had started to roll down my cheek. I wiped it away with my sleeve. She looked me straight in the eye.
‘Michelle. You don’t have to cope alone any more. You don’t have to be strong. Let go, sweetheart. Let go.’
Jacqui swept me up in her arms as I slumped against her.
She held me tight as a tide of emotions gushed out of my body.
It was the kindest thing anyone had ever done for me.
I’d had hugs from friends for sure, but I was always the one to pull away before they did.
I always felt that if someone hugged me for too long I would burst into tears, and to me that was the worst thing that could happen.
So if I stopped it, I wouldn’t cry. I was always the one helping others, never the one that needed rescuing.
To be held by someone who knew exactly what I needed made me crumble and I didn’t want to let go. It was a very safe place to be.
Jacqui stroked my hair and held me against her, rubbing my back. The tears fell and wouldn’t stop.
‘How long has it been since you lost your mum?’
‘It’s been twenty-five years.’ The words came out as a whisper into her shoulder.
Some days it felt like it had been even longer than that.
Other days it felt like it was just yesterday.
I’d been without her for longer than I’d been with her.
How could that possibly be when I still felt so affected by her loss?
Jacqui lowered her voice to match mine and gently pushed me back to arm’s length, looking me square in the eye.
‘Sweetheart, it’s no wonder you feel like this. Mothers are the person that you should always be able to turn to in your hour of need. You literally grew inside that person and you have a connection stronger with her than with anyone else.’
My mum had been my best friend. We did so much together.
She was warm and wonderful. She always gave me space but guided me when I needed it.
She let me make my own mistakes but was always there for me, from a young girl to a woman.
So many memories came flooding back into my mind, memories that I’d been pushing away for so long because they were so painful to explore.
I remembered when I would finish early from a day at work, when I would come home and Dad would pour us a gin and tonic and we’d sit on Mum’s swingy bench in the garden, gently rocking.
It was so calming, and for hours on end we’d put the world to rights.
I’d forgotten about that and I realised then that I had to let these memories back into my life, so that I could move on.
I didn’t need to be scared that they might appear and floor me.
They were part of me and part of the grieving process that I’d been pushing away for so long.
I sniffed and wiped my nose on a tissue from the packet that Jacqui gave me.
She led me gently by the arm towards a bench up on the clifftop and as we sat, I stared at the view across the bay, which was stunning.
That was why I always liked to walk up here.
It felt somewhat heavenly and I felt closer to my mum here.
‘Michelle. Now listen to me. Stop beating yourself up saying that you have to stay strong. You’ve had to mother yourself for twenty-five years and that’s a bloody tough thing to have to do.
I can’t even begin to imagine how hard that must have been for you without any support.
Tell me about your brother. What happened there? ’
‘He didn’t cope well with my mother’s illness.
Dad didn’t either. From her diagnosis and through her treatment, Seth just rebelled and Dad then turned in on himself and was no use to any of us.
Mum always used to ask us to lie next to her when she was ill in bed.
She just wanted us to be close to her and talk about the past and the future.
But Seth couldn’t bring himself to do it.
He couldn’t cope. He was five years younger than me so was twenty when she became ill.
He was still just a daft kid at heart. So I was the one who lay beside her.
It was me who held her hand through her treatment and then afterwards who took her to the hospital to get the news that it hadn’t worked.
It was me who sat with her as she planned her own funeral.
We even talked about how it would be, after she’d gone.
I promised her I would look after Dad and Seth and she made me promise to always follow my dreams and my heart.
’ A tear plopped onto my arm and then more fell.
They wouldn’t stop. Jacqui put her arms around my shoulder and held me.
I managed to splutter the next words through my tears.
‘I let her down, Jacqui.’
While it hurt like hell to say these things out loud, which I’d not ever done with anyone apart from a therapist, I realised that it felt good to finally do it. Cathartic.
‘Why on earth do you think you let her down?’ Jacqui asked.
‘Because I didn’t look after Seth like I promised to.
I’ve felt guilty about this for years. It was me who sat with Mum talking about what it would be like when she died and sat and held her hands as she breathed her last breath.
And then I had to tell Seth and Dad that she’d gone and make all the arrangements because they weren’t strong enough to do it.
Me who had to sort through all of her things because it was too upsetting for them. I had to look after them.’
‘Oh, sweetheart. But who was looking after you?’
I smiled through my tears. ‘There was no one to look after me.’ I did a great big sniff and tried to do my usual pull-myself-together trick, but my friend held my hands firm in hers.
‘There is now. There’s me and there’s Jo and Emma.
I can see what a close bond you have with them but you have to let people in, darling.
Don’t miss out on the love from others. I don’t know why but these things that come along and break our hearts are so huge but you can’t keep all of those thoughts inside and push people away.
As our wonderful queen said when she was alive, grief is the price we pay for love. But the love is worth it.’
‘Is it though? It just bloody hurts. I let myself love Demetri and yet he left me too, and that hurts.’
‘Could you really not have gone with him?’ she asked.
I shook my head. ‘I only moved here a couple of years ago and was building a life for myself. There was too much for me here to do with work and my friends, and people need me. I feel like I need to be needed.’
‘But you had started to build that life with Demetri too from what you’ve told me. Didn’t he need you too?’
I shrugged. ‘Not enough to stay.’
She whispered her next words. ‘Maybe he knew that you hadn’t given yourself entirely to him. Maybe he thought he wasn’t enough and that’s why he went without you.’
I looked deep into her eyes. ‘Do you think?’
‘Well, it’s certainly a possibility, isn’t it? Something to ponder.’
‘God, Jacqui. When you asked me if I was all right, do you wish I’d just said yes thanks now?’ I smiled through my tears and wiped my snivelling nose again.
She smiled back at me, and there was such kindness in her eyes. She winked at me and blew out a fake exasperated sigh.
‘I wanted to help but I didn’t realise you needed HRT quite this much.’
We both laughed and our stomachs rumbled at the same time. We stood and she linked her arm with mine. ‘Ready to walk some more? I think our stomachs are trying to tell us that they’d like us to get to Driftwood Bay and get to the bistro.’
‘I’m glad we didn’t bump into anyone while I was in the middle of my nervous breakdown. I can’t imagine what that would have looked like to anyone.’
‘Mel Robbins might have written her book the Let Them Theory but I’m thinking I could write one of my own. I’d call it the Fuck Them Theory.’ She patted and then tucked my hand into the crook of her elbow. ‘Come on, let’s get some lunch.’