Chapter 22
Over lunch we talked so much more, and Jacqui asked me more about my brother and his family.
Talking about him felt good and made me realise even more that I didn’t make the effort with him.
I told her that I had two nieces who Seth and his wife had adopted after discovering that they couldn’t have children.
I’d only ever met them online and that was shocking really.
But they were just someone else that I didn’t want to love only to lose them.
I told her how we’d drifted apart over the years and how we hardly spoke apart from birthdays and Christmases.
‘You could fix that, you know,’ she mooted.
‘How so?’
‘Reach out. Go and visit. Have you ever been to visit him?’
‘I haven’t. He did offer when he first went, asked me to go all the time, but then I think he probably stopped asking because I kept saying no.’
‘Well, you could ask if you could visit. It wouldn’t hurt for the two of you to have a conversation either, and that would be better to happen in person.
I’m pretty sure you’ve both been carrying round an awful lot of emotional baggage for a very long time.
It might do you good to have a little holiday.
Especially if you decide that you’re going to go with this investment opportunity too and start to build your business even more with the funds. Have a break first.’
‘Yeah, maybe. I suppose I always felt that he’d be OK because he and Mum weren’t that close.’
She reached out to cover my hand with hers.
‘She was still his mother though, Michelle, and he must have felt her loss as deeply as you did.’
She was right. Now that I had opened up to Jacqui I felt better equipped emotionally to open up to Seth.
It seemed like the right thing to do for us both.
Who knew what had been going through his mind back then and in the years since.
I’d been so deep in grief myself and tried to push it away that I hadn’t really considered his feelings.
I clutched my hand to my chest.
‘I just presumed that he’d be OK. God! I’m an awful person.’
‘You could never be an awful person, Michelle. And you coped the only way you could at the time. You can’t change anything that happened, but you can change the future.
You’ve already lost your parents, my dear.
Don’t lose your brother too. I’m sure it’s all quite repairable.
You just need to make the first step. Reach out to him. I’m sure you won’t regret it.’
I nodded thoughtfully. Neither Seth nor I were kids any more, and I liked the thought that we could start over from where we were today.
‘And on the business side of things. It sounds great, but I would advise you to do your due diligence. If Makis is this high-flying businessman, then he’ll understand.
I’m sure he wouldn’t expect you to take risks without more facts.
You make sure you’re doing this on your terms, not on anyone else’s.
If anything doesn’t feel right, then don’t do it. ’
‘Yeah, that’s a good point actually.’
We both looked around and noticed that we were the last ones in the bistro.
There was a lady who appeared to be the owner, behind the counter with a young girl.
They spent most of the shift laughing, which was lovely to see and it reminded me again of the wonderful relationship I’d had with my mum when I was growing up.
Chatting to Jacqui had triggered a stream of memories and another tumbled into my head of when she was due to have an operation to remove her liver cancer.
Mum and I spent the night in digs at the hospital, because the consultant thought it was better to have her on site rather than travelling in.
I remembered the fear in Mum’s eyes when the air ambulance landed on the roof above us in the middle of the night.
She thought it might be an emergency and her operation might be cancelled, and we prayed together that it wasn’t.
That night we sat up for hours, talking about anything and everything.
I recalled her face as they wheeled her down to the operating theatre.
She was so petrified that they allowed me in.
I held her hand while she had her anaesthetic and we started to count back from ten together.
I was sure that wouldn’t be allowed these days.
She only reached five and once she was under, I walked away, my heart in turmoil hoping that everything would be OK but more than anything that she’d get through the operation safely.
I remembered the hours I waited for the operation to be over and how long I sat by her bedside until she came round.
When she did, bless her, she told me she loved me and thanked me for being there, threw up and went back to sleep.
The nurses sent me away until the next day.
This was another memory that I’d pushed away for years.
But one that brought a tear to my eye again now.
Whilst it still hurt, I also felt eternally grateful that we had that special bond for the time we did have together.
A short sharp cough brought me back to the present and I looked around me again, particularly at the people behind the till.
I waved at them both and asked for the bill. They both came over, the older one to bring the bill and the younger one to clear the table.
‘I’m so sorry but I think we may have outstayed our welcome. I’ve just noticed that it said on the back of the menu you’re only open till three on a Saturday and it’s way after that.’
‘It’s no problem at all.’ She smiled kindly as she spoke.
The young girl nodded. ‘She’s the boss, she gets to decide when we go home.’
‘Is that your mum?’ I asked as I handed my card over, insisting that it was my treat.
‘Kind of,’ she answered, and they both laughed. ‘That’s Gemma, she’s my stepmum. My real mum is out the back, just finishing off in the kitchen.’
‘Wow, that sounds all very civil.’
‘We’re a sickeningly amazing blended family,’ Gemma answered. ‘Isn’t that right, Occy?’
‘Yeah, they’re really grown up about it all to be honest. Dad too,’ the young girl answered. We all laughed.
Occy walked away and Gemma lowered her voice.
‘I hope everything is OK, ladies. I couldn’t help but see that you were a little upset at one point. Hope you don’t mind me saying.’
‘I don’t mind at all. This one’ – I patted Jacqui’s hand – ‘has been helping me work through some stuff.’ I smiled at Jacqui and she grinned back.
‘Ah, well,’ Gemma said. ‘We all need a little helping hand from time to time. And where would we be without friends? It’s love that makes the world go round, isn’t it?
And if we’re happy to have people in our lives who love us, whether they’re family or friends, then we’re truly blessed.
I’ll shut up now and leave you be and I do hope to see you again soon. ’
* * *
We decided we’d walk back, still having lots to talk about, and during the comfortable silence as we strolled side by side, I decided that I was going to reach out to Seth.
I could maybe even blag myself a visit to Canada.
It was about time. Having a sister-in-law who I hardly knew, and my nieces that I’d only met online, was not good.
I’d always thought that if I didn’t get involved in their lives, then I would never feel rejected by them, but after speaking to Jacqui, I felt like I should be more grateful.
That I was lucky enough to have people to love.
Not everyone did, so I was definitely going to make amends.
I would reach out and see if they would forgive me and let me into their lives.
I had also decided that like Jacqui had suggested, I would look more into the investment opportunity, but I would do it on my terms. I would insist on meeting the man who had been advising Makis and if, and only if, I felt that he was the right person, I would consider my next steps.
I would not be given a deadline to make a decision.
If it was as good an opportunity that they thought it was, then hopefully it wouldn’t be the only one. And if we lost the deal, then so be it.
We sat for a rest on the bench that we’d sat at earlier, this time the mood and my heart much lighter. The wide sweeping bay before us was stunningly beautiful in the afternoon sunshine, the earlier clouds giving way to bright blue sky again.
‘You know, Michelle,’ Jacqui said, ‘decisions don’t have to be huge.
You can break them down to make them feel smaller.
Don’t look on things as decisions you are making for the rest of your life.
Maybe just a choice for now is also fine.
You can also change your mind at any opportunity. It’s never too late.’
‘When did you get so wise, Jacqui Martin?’
‘Ah, I’ve been around the block a lot. Being a GP is like being a psychotherapist and counsellor rolled into one.
It’s all about managing the mind and making sure we all communicate with each other.
Once that’s right, the festering feet and twisted testicles are just an added bonus. ’ We both grinned.
An hour or so later, we finally made our descent back onto the beach and reached the path that led to Jo’s cottage and mine and Emma’s homes.
I turned to Jacqui. What she had done for me today meant more than she’d ever know and the words thank you, which I was about to utter, didn’t seem enough.
She put her finger to my lips, seemingly reading my mind.
‘No words needed, my love. Just remember that your friends – and I hope that you’ll count me as one of them – are here for you. But you do need to tell them. I also want to say something else if I may.’
‘Of course.’
‘Demetri has gone to Greece. It’s not the end of the world and there’s nothing stopping you from jumping on a plane and going to see him. It’s just a few thousand miles. If you truly love him and could see yourself being with him, it’s not too late. Can you see that? Is that what you want?’
I nodded, without a moment’s hesitation.
There was no question. I wanted all of him.
I wanted to be the first person he turned to at the end of a busy day.
The person he called because he needed to hear my voice.
I wanted him to come home to a house filled with love and laughter; our house.
I wanted to fall asleep in his arms, I wanted him to be the first person I saw when I opened my eyes each new day.
I didn’t just want snatched hours with him when he finished a hard shift at work.
I wanted to be the one who made him feel better, made him forget about his day if it was a tough one.
I wanted us to be able to cook meals together, make a home together.
Make a future together. Finally, I felt ready for the next step. I wanted the lot. I wanted the world.
‘Don’t you think that you deserve the love of a good man?
’ Jacqui asked. ‘You deserve the right to explore what could be. It’s time you stopped pushing love away.
It’s time you let go and let it in. You deserve this, Michelle.
We all do. Go and fight for your man. For your love.
For your future. And remember that you promised your mum you would always follow your dreams and your heart.
Just think about what your heart is telling you right now. ’
And on that note, she turned on her heel and walked away, waving over her shoulder, and I knew exactly what I was going to do next. With my heart and soul, I had never been surer of anything in my life.