Chapter 26
‘Seth?’
‘Is that you, Chelle?’
I loved that from just one word, from a person he hadn’t heard in a good few months, he recognised my voice.
‘How did you know it was me?’
‘Cos you’re my sister, why would I not know it was you?’ A lump began to form in my throat. My little brother and I had been through a lot and it really was good to hear his voice.
‘You’re not working, are you?’
‘No, sis, it’s perfect timing actually. I’ve just sat down with a cup of tea and the newspaper to have some peace before the rest of the house get up and I’m descended on by the teenage population.’
‘Ah, you love it.’ He sounded happy. I wasn’t sure what I’d been expecting.
‘I bloody love it, you’re right. They’re a pain in the arse, cost me shitloads of money, talk to me like I’m something the cat dragged in, but I wouldn’t change a thing.
’ His voice dropped in volume. ‘It’s good to hear your voice.
How’s things with you? It’s been a while.
You don’t normally ring unless it’s a birthday or Christmas. ’ He laughed.
‘I’m sorry, Seth.’
‘That’s OK. Life is busy. We’ve all got our own lives to lead, haven’t we?’
‘I don’t mean for not calling. I mean for everything else.’ Tears began to form in my eyes and I had to try hard to blink them away.
‘Whatever do you mean? Have you done something? Is everything OK, Chelle?’ He sounded so concerned; it was making me even more emotional. I had to take a deep breath before continuing.
‘Have you got time for a deep and meaningful conversation, kiddo?’ I laughed at how naturally I had thrown his childhood nickname into the conversation. Mum, Dad and I used to call him kiddo all the time and he hated it, which made us do it all the more.
‘This sounds serious. You’re scaring me a bit.’
‘I don’t mean to scare but I do have some things to say. Are you sure this is a good time?’
‘Absolutely. Fire away.’
Tucking my feet underneath me and pulling my cardigan tighter, I took another deep breath before starting one of the most important conversations of my life.
‘I need to apologise for being a shit sister after Mum and Dad died.’ There was deathly silence on the other end of the phone. ‘Seth? Are you there?’
‘Yep!’ He hardly managed to croak the word out.
‘I should have done more to help you. I wish I’d done more to help you. I pushed you away. And I’m truly sorry.’
‘What’s brought this on?’ he asked, his voice decidedly shaky.
‘Lots of things.’
‘Like what?’ He had every right to ask. To him, this would have come totally out of the blue.
‘Nothing specific, just everything really.’
‘Are you ill, Chelle? Are you trying to tell me something?’
I smiled through the tears that were silently rolling down my cheeks.
‘I suppose I’ve just realised a lot of things lately. Discovered how much I push people away and how much of my own life and yours that I’ve missed over the years.’
‘And why has this come about now? You’ve had years to start this conversation.’
‘I met someone. Someone who was really important to me. And I threw it all away because I hadn’t dealt with all of my past issues. Because I’ve been carrying round a sack lot of baggage that I should have dealt with years ago.’
‘Oh, Chelle! I’m so sorry. I always wondered whether you’d meet someone. You never seemed to need anyone. You were always so strong and independent. You certainly didn’t need your little brother in your life anyway.’
‘That’s not true though, Seth. I needed you more than you’ll ever know.’
‘But you never let me near you. If I tried to give you a hug, you physically pushed me away.’
‘Now that’s not true—’
He interrupted what I wanted to say next.
‘It is true. I remember at Dad’s funeral I tried to put my arm round you. To be honest, I needed a hug and thought that you might too. And you just shook hands with everyone there and held your head high and powered through.’
The memories that were flooding back were so upsetting to relive.
I remembered standing in the line after the funeral, where everyone was coming up to me and Seth, their tears flowing, expecting us to sympathise with them.
Expecting us to be kind to them and help them through their grief when we’d just lost our lovely dad, just six months after our wonderful mother had been taken from us too.
‘Chelle, are you still there?’
I nodded, forgetting that he couldn’t see me.
‘Did you just nod, you big eejit?’
Choking back a sob, I laughed at how well he still knew me.
‘I have some outstanding apologies for you too,’ he continued. ‘I hoped over the years we’d see each other and could maybe talk in person, but it never happened. I thought you might come over, see us, meet Daisy and the kids properly, but you distanced yourself from us all.’
‘I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to. I think it was the only way I felt like I could protect my heart from breaking all over again. I had to toughen up. I was trying to be Mum and Dad to you, trying to help you to have someone strong that you could rely on.’
‘I didn’t need someone strong to rely on. I just needed my big sister.’
That broke me. My sobs wouldn’t stop and I knew that Seth was crying too. However, I knew that he was still there, on the end of the phone. I could feel it.
‘Chelle?’
‘Yeah?’ I whispered.
‘I’m sorry for not stepping up. I left you to deal with Mum’s illness and Dad’s depression and I shouldn’t have done that.
It wasn’t fair. We should have been there for each other.
But we were grieving, Chelle. We were young adults, not really knowing how to navigate the situation.
We could only do what we did at the time. Both of us.’
Just hearing him say those words felt like a burden had been lifted from my shoulders.
‘Look, sis, we can’t change what’s happened. I know something though.’
‘What’s that?’
‘I’m so glad that you called today and made me cry.
’ I laughed through my tears. ‘I am. This has needed to be said for a very long time. I hope we can get past this. I’ve got two teenagers who’ve always wondered why we hardly speak.
And I’ve never really known how to explain it.
I’ve also got a wife who’s always wanted us to repair our relationship.
Daisy has been nagging me for years but I didn’t know how or whether you’d even want to.
Maybe we can start now. What do you think? ’
‘I’d really like that, kiddo.’
‘Me too,’ he whispered.
‘Can we speak again soon? Maybe in the next day or two? When we’ve processed all of this.’
‘Looking forward to it already.’
‘OK, I’ll text you to arrange a time.’
‘Sounds good. And, Chelle…’
‘Yes, Seth?’
‘Thanks for ringing.’
‘Sure. Speak soon.’ I went to press the button when I heard him shout my name.
‘Chelle. You there?’
‘Yep.’
‘I love you.’
A big shudder broke from my body.
I whispered back in a very wobbly voice, ‘I love you too.’
I disconnected the call and choked back another sob before the floodgates opened.
And my heart shattered into smithereens, but this time in a cathartic, clearing way that seemed to cleanse my very soul.