Chapter 11
A nirudh was running on his treadmill. He was sweating all over. He increased the speed on the treadmill to his maximum limit. After running for a few minutes, he decreased the speed and started to walk on it. He was gasping but he could not stop. His mind was whirling with too many thoughts, and he could not put them out of his head.
It had been a week since he’d had dinner at Rachanna’s. They had talked very well that night. They had been friendly; they had laughed. And yet…yet, she had not called him after that. And he had not called her either. He did not want to.
The recent incidents in his life were still fresh in his memory and his heart. He had been betrayed by the very people he trusted the most. One could not get over things like that quickly. It still hurt. And the worst part was that their betrayal made it impossible for him to trust someone else. And that too, so early on.
But Rachanna was making it hard on him. She was drawing him out. He slipped very easily into the person that he used to be before. He did not want to become that person. Not yet. Not when the hurt was still fresh in his mind. Not when wallowing in this misery was bringing him a strange kind of relief. He did not want to be happy. He wanted to suffer for what others had done to him and what he had done to others.
It was only fair. He did not want to be friendly with anyone, let alone Rachanna. And he definitely did not want to laugh and feel at peace. Those things still sounded foreign to him. Something far away from him. And he did not want to go in that direction either. He just did not deserve them! Not yet! And thus, he resisted the urge to do anything that him feel better. And that included calling Rachanna.
He stepped down from the treadmill and sat down, gasping. His heart was thudding and he was covered in sweat. He picked up a towel and wiped his face and arms. The doorbell rang. It was Asmee.
“Hello, Madam. What are you doing here?” Anirudh asked, surprised at finding her all alone.
“Umm…can I come in?”
“Uh! Didn’t your mother tell you not to visit me at my house?”
“She did. But what she does not know does not hurt her,” replied Asmee, grinning mischievously.
He was taken aback. “Young lady! You should always listen to your mother,” he reprimanded her.
“But you both became friends! You came to our house last week.”
“If your mother did not explicitly give you permission to visit my house, then her latest instruction stands.”
Asmee looked downcast. “Fine.”
Anirudh shook his head at her.
She then brightened up and asked, “Okay, okay, can you come to the park then?”
“Why?”
“Well, we wanted to play shuttle and we are missing one player. If you join us, we can play.”
Anirudh groaned. “No. I don’t want to play shuttle with kids.”
“Oh! Come on, Uncle. It’s okay if you don’t know how to play. I will teach you. And don’t worry about losing. Participation is what really matters.”
He looked taken aback. He glared at her before he said, “Oh really? You think so? You wait here. I will get my racquet. Then, we will see who participates and who wins.”
Anirudh turned to get his racquet. Asmee grinned, pleased with herself as she murmured, “It is sooo very easy to manipulate adults.”
When Anirudh was back, they locked the door and proceeded down the stairs.
“How is your mother?” Anirudh asked.
“Okay, I guess.”
“Just okay?”
“Hmm… Can I tell you a secret? I have not even told my mother about this.”
“Yes?”
“She cries in her sleep.”
Anirudh’s heart contracted. “She does?”
“Yes. But she does not even know it. She cries. And then she starts murmuring something. I don’t understand what it is. Sometimes, I get up and kiss her. Then I pat her on the head, and she goes right back to sleep.”
“Oh!”
“She does not remember it in the morning.” She paused before she asked, “Why do you think she cries?”
A lump formed in Anirudh’s throat. He shook his head and replied, “I don’t know.”
“Do you think it is because she misses Daddy?” She asked as she jumped down the last few steps.
“Maybe.”
“I miss him too. But I don’t cry…”
“Listen, don’t talk to anyone about this. And don’t mention this to your mother. It will only make her sad.”
“I won’t. You should not tell her too.”
“No. I won’t. I promise.”
They proceeded to the park. But Anirudh’s heart was not in the game, and he found himself unable to even pretend to lose. The kids soon lost interest and requested him to stop playing.
***
Anirudh stayed in the park for the rest of the evening. His mind was in a turmoil. He wanted to help Rachanna. He wanted to help her break out of the walls that she had built around herself. She did let herself out last week when she had asked him to dinner. But he had not encouraged it. He did not call.
But why had she not called? Did she not say that she was happy after such a long time? Maybe even she believed what he believed. Maybe she thought that she did not deserve happiness.
She was crying! Somehow, he could not bear to hear that! She was still hurting! He knew she needed help. But he also knew that if anyone could help her, it was him. She trusted him more than anyone else. She had allowed him inside her life. He did not know why. And he was sure she did not know why either. She just did. If he wanted her to have help, he’d have to help her himself. He’d have to enter her self-inflicted fortress.
But it was an extremely difficult task for him. For him to do that, he would have to make himself vulnerable. He had to let her in for her to let him in. Was he willing to do that? That too, so soon after his heart had been shattered to pieces. He thought about the recent events in his life and a searing pain ripped through his heart.
Apart from what had been done to him, it was what he had done to others that was destroying him. His brother! For all his mistakes and other’s mistakes, it was finally his brother who had paid the price.
Guilt wrecked his heart again and a new anxiety settled in his heart. He suddenly found himself struggling to breathe. He got up and began to walk around the complex. He had led his brother to his death! He was responsible. His anxiety grew so much that he felt nauseous.
He stopped thinking about it and did what he usually did when he started to panic. He rushed to meet his grandmother.
***
Anirudh rang the doorbell at Rachanna’s house. It was Saturday evening, and he was hoping to find her in. She was. She opened the door and looked stunned on seeing him. He wanted to surprise her, but he realised that maybe it would have been more prudent to call beforehand.
“Hi Rachanna!”
“Hi! I am sorry I was not expecting you… The house is a mess...”
“That’s okay,” he replied as he stepped into her house. Toys were strewn all over the place. Unfolded clothes were heaped on a chair. Newspapers and books were lying all over the table. Biscuit and chocolate wrappers were strewn in the living room. He smiled. The house looked exactly like a house not expecting guests. And that made it more real.
“Here,” he said as he extended a box to her.
“What is this?” She asked as she joined him after closing the door.
“Just a thank you for the dinner last week.”
“Oh! You are welcome. What is it?” Rachanna asked as she took the box in her hand. It felt heavy.
“ Gulab jamun s.”
Rachanna pushed the box back into his hands. “I don’t like gulab jamun s.”
“I know. But these are not store bought. I asked my grandmother’s cook to make them.”
“I don’t care. Take them away. I am not eating them. And Asmee won’t eat them either.”
Asmee had entered the living room from her bedroom just then on hearing gulab jamun .
“ Amma ! It is a wonderful sweet. Why don’t you just try it?” Asmee wailed.
“She will try it today,” replied Anirudh as he moved to the dining table and placed the box on it.
“No, I won’t,” replied Rachanna as she followed him.
“Asmee, can you get us some spoons?” He said, as he took a chair at the dining table.
“Sure,” replied Asmee and ran to get some spoons.
“Take them away from my house,” said Rachanna as she moved to stand before him, her hands on her hips.
Anirudh gave her a smile and then shook his head. “No.”
She was taken aback. “You cannot force us to have them. I won’t eat them. And Asmee won’t eat them either.”
Asmee interrupted, “Oh, I will. I will. I love them. I don’t know why you don’t like them, Amma . They taste extremely good. Try them first.”
Rachanna glared at her. “Asmee!”
Without heeding to her, Asmee sat on the chair. Anirudh had already opened the box and filled three bowls with three pieces of the sweet in each. Asmee thrust one full gulab jamun into her wide mouth.
“Wow! It tastes wonderful. I don’t know why Amma hates it.”
Anirudh pushed a bowl towards Rachanna who ignored him. He took his bowl and started to eat it.
“Hmm…awesome. You are missing out,” replied Anirudh as he looked at Rachanna.
She glared at him. “I don’t care.”
Asmee finished her bowl and refilled it. When she finished her second round, she got down from the table and ran back to her room to finish watching the video that she had abandoned halfway. As soon as she left the room, Anirudh picked up Rachanna’s bowl and went to her.
“Here, eat it,” he said sternly.
“No!” She said, utterly bewildered.
“Here, open your mouth,” said Anirudh, as he moved closer. She backed away, appalled at his actions.
“Move away!” Rachanna snarled as she continued to move backwards. She hit the wall.
“Open your mouth!” Anirudh said as he closed in on her, the spoon hoisted in the air.
Rachanna’s eyes widened. She said stubbornly, “No! Move away! You cannot just force me…”
“Oh, I can. And I will. Open your mouth or else I will open it for you,” he threatened.
“You wouldn’t dare!” Rachanna replied, even as he held the spoon very close to her mouth.
He glared at her and brought the spoon closer.
“Move, Anirudh! Asmee’ll come!” Rachanna said in desperation.
“Then make it fast. Open your mouth!”
Unable to do anything else when the spoon touched her lips, she opened her mouth and ate the sweet.
“Now eat it!”
Rachanna dutifully ate the gulab jamun . As soon as she swallowed it, he moved away. “That’s better.”
“How…how dare you! How dare you come to my house…and force me to…”
“Oh, shut up! What is it about this sweet bringing you bad memories? What utter crap is that?”
“Look, I am sorry I said that. You might have felt…”
He snarled. “I don’t care how I felt. This is not about how I felt. This is about you.”
“About me? This force feeding that is about me?”
“Yes! Look! That night happened. Nothing you do is going to undo it. Alright? What I want you to do is to acknowledge that it happened. Blocking it from your memory or trying not to come in contact with anything that reminds you of that night…are stupid solutions. In fact, they are not solutions at all. They are just the worst coping mechanism. Just acknowledge that it happened and let it go! That is all I want.”
“Whatever! How I deal with it is my problem. You cannot come to my house…you cannot behave like a hooligan with me. You cannot do that.”
“You have built so many layers of walls around you that it is impossible to break them down by behaving like a gentleman. Do you think it would have worked if I had pleaded with you to eat it? No! You forced me to do this. Now you ate it, right?”
“You want everything to go your way…”
“No. I just want you to bring down the walls around you. Especially with me.”
“Especially with you? Do you know how hard it is for me to just keep interacting with you?”
“Of course, I know. You have banished a well-loved sweet from your life because it reminds you of me. I, of course, can guess how much my presence must have shaken you. And it is precisely for that reason that I want you to acknowledge it and move on. I want to be your friend. And I want to be your friend without you feeling like a sheep in the presence of a lion.”
Rachanna looked at him for a few moments before she laughed. Then, she asked, still laughing, “You are the lion?”
He looked at her before he started laughing too. “Yeah, don’t you think so?”
She cocked her head to one side and said, “Maybe a cheetah. Or a panther. Lion… I don’t think so.”
“Oh! Come on. At least for you, I should be a lion. If I am not a lion to you, what am I to others? A housecat?”
She laughed. “You are definitely not a housecat to anyone. But to say you are a lion…”
“Who is a lion?” Asmee asked as she came into the dining room again.
“Anirudh Uncle is,” explained Rachanna.
“He is? Why?”
“Because he wants everyone to obey him,” replied Rachanna, folding her arms over her chest.
“Really?” Asmee asked. “Do something cool for me, then,” she said as she looked at Anirudh expectantly.
“Sure,” said Anirudh. He picked up another spoon of gulab jamun and took it near Rachanna.
“What do you say? Will your mother eat this or not?” Anirudh asked as he took the spoon nearer.
Rachanna bent backward to get away from the spoon.
Asmee laughed and said, “Ha-ha. You are going to lose. She never eats gulab jamun . She hates them.”
“Oh, really? Did she say that? Watch carefully now. She will eat this, and she will love it. Won’t you, Rachanna?”
“Get away from me, you crazy idiot!” Rachanna shouted, as she backed away and hit the wall again.
“Eat!” Anirudh shouted back.
“Oh my God!” Rachanna exclaimed, exasperated. With a desperate look at Asmee, she opened her mouth. She frowned as she glared at Anirudh, who was now wearing a very smug smile on his face.
He turned to Asmee. Asmee was looking at Rachanna, stunned. She turned to Anirudh with the same stunned expression and said, “Wow! You are a lion! What else can you make her do?”
“Hmm…does she like to dance?”
“Nah! I have never seen her dancing,” replied Asmee, shaking her head.
Anirudh looked at Rachanna, surprised. “Really? Never seen your mother dance, is it?”
“I don’t dance well,” replied Rachanna, shaking her head.
He frowned. “Hmm… Not how I remember it…”
A wave of concern passed across Rachanna’s face. She looked at Asmee and then back to him, desperately trying to tell him to tune it down.
Anirudh took the hint. He laughed and picked Asmee up. “Come. Let’s eat the rest of the gulab jamun s.”
He seated her on the dining table.
“Will you eat the rest, or do you want me to feed them to you? I don’t mind…” said Anirudh, looking at Rachanna innocently.
She glared at him. Then, she came and took a chair at the table. “I will eat them myself. Thank you very much!” She spat out.
Anirudh grinned. “You are most welcome!”
Asmee and he exchanged looks and laughed as they devoured the sweet dish.