Chapter 17
“M om! They have put up some food stalls in our society,” screamed Asmee as she ran into the house.
“Oh, good.”
“There is a sandwich shop, an ice cream shop and a toy shop. Can I have some money? I want to buy an ice cream cone.”
“Sure,” replied Rachanna, handing her a twenty-rupee note.
“Can I have some more?”
“No. One ice cream is enough. I don’t want you to spoil your appetite for dinner.”
“Please,” begged Asmee.
“No!”
“Hey! I just remembered. I had loaned you thirty-five rupees from my piggy bank ten days back. To pay the paperwala . Can I have it back?”
“I will give it to you, but you cannot use it to buy snacks today.”
Asmee’s face fell. “Fine. I won’t. But will you give me my money back tomorrow?”
“Sure.”
“You should give me a hundred rupees.”
Rachanna was shocked. “A hundred rupees! Why? I just took thirty-five rupees from you.”
“Well, that is how loans work, right? You give a little money, and you get more money back.”
“You are not getting more money,” insisted Rachanna.
“Then, you should not have borrowed from me. This is unfair. I gave you thirty-five rupees and I want a hundred back.”
“Are you kidding me? There is no way I am giving you a hundred.”
“Well, you should not have taken the loan then.”
Rachanna said, “You forced it on me, if I remember correctly. I was going to GPay the amount.”
“Well, of course, I will force it. You should have not taken it. You always say no to the random people who call you on the phone and ask you if you need a loan. You should have said no to me too.”
“Oh my God!” Rachanna replied, shaking her head. “You are an imp!”
“You should not have taken the loan,” said Asmee, shaking her head.
Rachanna glared at her for a minute and then said, “Nice marketing, by the way.”
Asmee grinned. “Thank you.”
“But I will give you only thirty-eight rupees. Not one paisa more.”
“Aawww! That’s unfair.”
“All is fair in love and loans.”
“What?” Asmee asked, her face screwed up.
“Nothing. Go and play now. I will teach you about interest rates later, okay?”
Asmee mumbled something before running out to get her ice cream cone. Rachanna laughed as she watched her daughter leave. Her phone pinged. Hoping it was Anirudh, she ran to the phone. She was disappointed. It was a message from Satish.
If you want help with the exercises, you can come home today, dear. Raji is not in town. I am all alone at home.
Fury ripped through her body as she read the message. She did not know whether it was the explicit message or Anirudh’s encouragement, but she wanted to confront him right away and put an end to this harassment.
She was on her way to Satish’s, when Anirudh called her.
“Where are you? I am at your place.”
Rachanna told him about Satish’s message and how she was going to confront him.
“Rachanna! Come back home,” said Anirudh.
“You are the one who said I had to fight,” replied Rachanna, continuing to walk to Satish’s.
“You must. But not without me. I told you I have your back. Do one thing. Wait there, I will be there right away.”
“Okay.”
Anirudh joined Rachanna near Satish’s house.
“I will stay here. You go ahead. Make sure you don’t shut the door. And holler if you need help,” said Anirudh, patting her on her shoulder.
Rachanna nodded and proceeded to Satish’s house. Satish opened the door, grinning as soon as he saw her. “Rachanna! I am so glad you decided to come. Come in, come in!”
Rachanna did not smile back as she followed him inside.
When Satish was about to close the door, she said sternly, “Keep the door open.”
“But, dear, I’ll turn on the air conditioning…”
“I don’t care. I am not here to chat with you or…or for anything else. I want to tell you something,” said Rachanna, raising her voice.
“But…but…”
“Sit down!” Rachanna shrieked.
Unable to understand her behaviour, Satish sat down obediently as Rachanna stood towering over him.
“Look! I am going to tell you this only once, so you better hear carefully. We need to set boundaries. You sending me workout videos of skimpily clad ladies is a strict no. I have time and again given you hints that they are making me uncomfortable but you have chosen to ignore them every single time…”
“No, beta . It is only for your health.”
“Shut up and listen! I am not your beta . Do not text me. Do not call me. Do not even try to talk to me from now on. I have ignored your perverted behaviour time and again. But now it has to stop.”
“Perverted beha… my God! I was only concerned about your health!” Satish said, blood draining from his face.
“Who the hell are you to be so concerned about my health? Do you think I am such an invalid that I don’t know how to take care of myself? What about the message today? ‘I am all alone at home’. What the hell was that supposed to mean?”
“It was just so that we could exercise without any interruptions. Will you please lower your voice? The neighbours will hear.”
“Let them hear. All the better. And I don’t care about your intentions. I don’t give a damn. I am not comfortable with your advances. Period. So, I am laying the boundary loud and clear now. You will not message me. You will not talk to me. You will not even look at me. Do you understand?”
After a long time, Satish answered gravely, “Yes.”
“If I see you not respecting these boundaries in any small way, I will put whatever I have just said in a long message and post it in our society’s WhatsApp group. I will also post screenshots of your messages on the group. Do you understand?”
He gulped. “Yes.”
“Good. I am glad we were able to sort it out.”
Rachanna, who had expected Satish to fight her, was pleasantly surprised to see him being meek and docile. But the strain of a face-to-face confrontation was starting to tell on her. Her hands started to shiver. She left his house, banging the door loudly behind her. And then, she ran to Anirudh and hugged him tight. It took a few long minutes for her shivering to stop.
***
It was late night when Anirudh arrived at Rachanna’s house. He was surprised to see that Asmee was still up.
“Why aren’t you in bed?” He asked.
“Because I want to play. Amma promises to play with me, but she never does. Will you play with me?”
“Sure. What do you want to play?”
“Carrom?”
“Fine,” said Anirudh, shrugging.
“Thank you!” Rachanna said, as she looked down from the first floor. “I still have some work to finish and she is refusing to go to bed.”
“You take your time,” replied Anirudh as he set up the carrom board. “I’ll be here.”
Rachanna smiled her thanks to him and disappeared back to her office room.
Anirudh and Asmee began to play.
“I went to a party today.”
“You did?” He asked. And then he remembered Rachanna mentioning it to him. “Oh, your mother’s colleague’s birthday party, wasn’t it?”
“Yeah,” replied Asmee, making a sad face. “I hated it. No kids to play.”
“Is that why you are up now, playing?”
“Yes! She made me go to that stupid party. Now, I want to stay up and play.”
“Hmm… It’s only rarely that she takes you out to these parties. Mostly, you get to play, right?”
“Yes, but I did not play at all today. How is that fair?” She asked, looking angry and sad.
“Hmm…” replied Anirudh, as he pocketed a white piece.
They played silently for some more time when Asmee said, “I am glad you came over. It’s always nice to play with you, Uncle.”
“Thank you! I enjoy playing with you too, Asmee. But you are going to bed after this game, okay?”
Asmee nodded. “Okay.” After a few minutes, she asked, “Can I tell you a secret?”
“Yes?”
“She’s stopped crying off late. She looks happy.”
Anirudh was taken aback. “Your Amma ?”
“Yeah,” said Asmee, looking at him keenly.
“You should be happy then.”
“Oh! I am.”
But Anirudh noticed a hesitancy in her voice. “Aren’t you happy she stopped crying?”
“I am but…”
“But what?”
“Does that mean she has forgotten Dad?”
Anirudh was shocked. “No! No, it does not. She will never forget him. He will always be a part of her life and your life. It is just that your mother has learnt to live with the pain. Like you! You said you never cry. But that does not mean you don’t miss him, right?”
Asmee looked comforted. She smiled. “Oh! I understand.” Her smile grew wider before she said, “I do want her to be happy. She used to be so sad. She looks better now. I am happy that she is happy.”
“Good. You should be happy that she is happy. That is the mark of a healthy family.”
“It is?” Asmee asked, her eyes shining.
“Yes.”
“Then we are a healthy family!” Asmee replied, rejoiced.
“You definitely are.”
Rachanna joined them soon after.
“Are you still playing? Asmee! You have school tomorrow. Go to bed!”
“Five minutes, please!” Asmee begged.
Rachanna relented. Anirudh had just pocketed the red coin when Asmee asked, “After I go to bed, what do you both do?”
“Nothing. We just sit around chatting,” replied Rachanna immediately.
“Hmm… She is lying, isn’t she?” Asmee asked, turning to Anirudh.
He nodded slowly. “Yeah. I am sorry to tell you this but…” began Anirudh.
“Anirudh!” Rachanna reprimanded before he could say anything more.
But Anirudh ignored her. “…but we play, Asmee.”
He looked at Rachanna and smiled. But she just glared back at him.
“What do you play?” Asmee asked.
“Well, it is a complicated game…” started Anirudh.
“UNO! We play UNO, Asmee,” replied Rachanna, her voice shrill.
“UNO?” Asmee asked, frowning. “That is not that complicated.”
“It is for Anirudh Uncle. Because he is an idiot!” Rachanna said, gritting her teeth.
When Anirudh laughed hard in response to her accusation, Rachanna flushed and said, “Asmee, can you please go to bed now?”
Asmee went to bed happily. A game of carrom was all it took to comfort Asmee about missing her play that day.
***
Rachanna and Anirudh finished their dinner and took to the living room to enjoy their desserts. Rachanna had dimmed the lights. Soft music was playing. They sat with their arms wrapped around the other.
“Do you want to go to bed?” Rachanna asked.
“No. Sit. Let’s talk for some time.”
“Okay.”
After a few moments, Rachanna said, “You know something? I am honestly distraught about what happened to you. About Anshu and Karan. It is heart-breaking that you had to give up something you worked so hard for.”
“I know…”
“But truth be told, I am not a hundred percent sad. Maybe 80 percent. I am happy because that sequence of events brought you to me.”
He kissed her on the forehead before he said, “I know. Truth be told, I am also happy that it happened.”
“Really?”
“Yeah. That life was so different. It felt like swimming against the river. I was struggling. I was working hard. I was pushing myself for both…the success of my company and the success of my relationship. I was under the fallacy that a man should work hard and do anything that he can do to get what he wants.”
“Isn’t that the truth?”
“It is not. After the incident, I decided to let go. I did not want to fight anymore. I did not want to work hard or even push myself. I decided to go with the flow and stop swimming against it. I gave it all up.”
“And?”
“I am much happier. I think there is a higher power at play. Maybe that is just your own subconscious. In the daily hustle bustle of our life, we do not listen to it. Because our subconscious does not scream for what it wants. It only whispers. And you have to be really quiet…” said Anirudh, lowering his voice “…very, very quiet to listen to it. We generally don’t hear it at all.
“But when I gave it all up…when I started to slow down and stopped fighting… I was able to hear it. It was guiding me. Else, why did I suddenly become concerned about my grandmother? I have ignored her all my life. Don’t get me wrong… I love her. But I never had time for her. Never in my life would I have thought I would move to look after her. Never.
“And yet when I slowed down, it felt right to make the decision of moving here. She is as lonely as I am. She needed me more than I needed her. But she never told me that and I never asked. Some cosmic energy compelled me to think that this move was right for me. Some force. And for the first time in my life, I decided to stop fighting and listen to what it was saying.”
“And you moved.”
“Yes. I am going along the way that was shown to me. Not the path that I am supposed to choose. It might seem like I did not make the choice and I should not be happy. We are made to believe that we will be happy only if we choose for ourselves. But that is so wrong. I have never been happier in my life. Not happy as in ecstatic. But…quiet contentment and a peace of mind.
“Happiness, as an emotion, just cannot compete with this peace of mind. Peace of mind is…truly amazing. It is something worth aspiring for. But you get it only when you listen to yourself. Not when you set a goal and run behind it. Not when you want things that you are supposed to want. You get that only when you are true to yourself. The cosmic energy will show you the path. You just have to take it.”
“But your work?”
“These months of contemplation have shown me what I am naturally inclined to. I am naturally inclined to sports. I enjoy them. In school, I’d coach the lower grades. I don’t know why I stopped. Watching the kids play in the park reminded me how much I loved it.”
“I don’t understand…”
“I love to coach. I think…I think I would like to do that.”
“Coach?” She asked, surprised.
“Yes. I am planning to start a football academy. I don’t know how I am going to do it. I don’t know what I am going to achieve. But I just know that doing it will make me happy.”
“Have you started working on it?”
“Yes. Since a month now, I have been working extensively on it. I’ve researched quite a bit. You know…I worked hard this last month, but it did not feel like work at all. It was fun. Actually, you should not call it hard work. Just hard fun!”
“Ha-ha. That is a nice word. Hard fun.”
“Yeah. Hard fun. We can have that.”
“Because you are not swimming against the current...”
“Exactly. I am aligned to what truly brings me peace. In this state, it is very easy to work hard. And I think, consequently, it is easier to succeed. Not that success is my aim. No! Happiness is not my aim either. I just want this peace of mind that I have now. I want it forever. I love it. It is so exhilarating. I am so grateful for every small thing in my life and just the act of being grateful has eased my life so much.”
“Will you be able to make money off it?” Rachanna asked.
Anirudh shrugged. “I don’t know. But strangely, I don’t care. I have enough money. I don’t want more. I just want to do something for society.”
Rachanna looked impressed.
Anirudh continued, “There is one beautiful word in Tamil for society— samudhayam . It is actually made of two words— sama and udhayam . Sama means along with and udhayam means to rise. Society itself means to be with others and rise together. Are we a samudhayam today? Are we helping each other rise? Are we aiding each other’s growth? I don’t think so.
“We all are concentrated on only our own growth. But if you think about it, individual growth means nothing. Making money for yourself and your family means nothing if you are not doing anything to contribute to society. You should contribute. Because you exist, society should be a better place.”
“Yeah…make a difference because we lived.”
“Yes.”
Rachanna looked thoughtful. Then, she asked, “Am I swimming against the current?”
Anirudh looked at her for a long while before he nodded. “Very much.”
“How so?”
“You love being with me. But you are also scared of what people will say. Shouldn’t you just do what makes you happy?”
“Well. Not everyone can do what makes them happy.”
“I agree. They cannot do it. Not everyone. Not every time. But here, you can. You have been stopping yourself. What is this society that you are so scared of? This so-called society keeps changing. Its opinions keep changing. How can any one person keep everyone satisfied all the time? It is impossible. So, don’t even attempt it. Do only what you can do!”
“Make myself happy?”
“Exactly! Do what your heart tells you to do. And society will align itself to you. You should never torture yourself to align yourself to society.”
“Hmm…what you are saying is true. Control only what you can. You can control what you do. Do not try to control what is beyond you. Like the opinion of society.”
“Exactly!”
Rachanna laughed. “Hmm… I will think about it.”
“And do what you like! Like fashion. You are forever scribbling designs on papers. Your house is strewn with designs. That is your calling. You should take that up.”
“I don’t know how to monetise it. I don’t know where to start…”
“No one does. No one knows everything when they start. Just start. You will be shown the path. Trust it!”
Rachanna smiled hesitantly. “Just thinking about it is both exhilarating and extremely frightening.”
Anirudh laughed. “It has to be. Else, it is not worth doing. When you start walking the path, you will be able to see only one or two steps. But keep walking, and the path will clear up. Maybe it will only clear up just another one or two steps at a time, but it will clear up for sure. And you can walk!”
“Oh my! I am scared just to think about it.”
“It is a path that no one has taken before. You should be scared. But you should do it nonetheless.”
She rolled her eyes. “A lot of people would have taken the path. It is not a new path, really.”
“It is new. Because it is aligned to you. It is your path. It will not be similar to any other paths taken by anyone else. Even if it feels like the same path, it will not look and feel the same. Each one is different. Each destiny is different. Take the path with your name on it. And then, you have truly lived. As Robert Frost said, ‘I took the road less travelled and that made all the difference’.”
“No! No! No! It is not about the less-travelled path or the frequently travelled path. Take your own path; it has not been travelled at all…”
“Ha-ha…my very own special path!”
“Exactly. Take it!”
Rachanna laughed. Then, she sighed and hugged him closer. “One step at a time.”
“One step at a time.”
***
“Anirudh, get up! You have to leave,” said Rachanna, shaking him by the shoulders.
He opened his eyes a slit and looked out of the window. “Are you crazy? It is still dark outside.”
“I have to start cooking. Asmee will be up in half an hour. You have to leave.”
Anirudh groaned as he got out of the bed and put his clothes on. He went into the restroom to freshen up.
“This sucks!” He complained, as he came out.
Rachanna handed him a cup of tea. “Will this help?”
He took a sip and nodded. “It’ll do... Let me ask you something…”
“Yeah?” Rachanna replied, taking a sip of her tea.
“What we have…where exactly is this going?”
“Oh no! No, no! Not that question!” Rachanna said, exasperated.
Anirudh smiled at her reaction. “Why not?”
“No, please. Can’t we just be? Can’t we just enjoy what we have now? I am so insanely happy now…after so many years…”
“Me too. But I am just curious if this happiness is going to last or not,” he said, taking another sip.
“It will last if you don’t ask me that question.”
“Hmm…”
“Come on, Anirudh! Do we actually need to analyse this relationship? Do we need to know the properties and the characteristics of this relationship to enjoy it? Can’t we just not know…and yet enjoy it?”
Anirudh shrugged. “Yeah,” he replied, half-heartedly.
“Come on, don’t be like that.”
“I just want to know if I must brace myself for another heartbreak…”
“Please don’t. We are going to be happy, okay?”
“Okay. These things generally end up in a happily ever after or a severe heartache…”
“How can we know? And even if we know, how can you prepare yourself for it?”
“Well…if this is not serious…my attitude and what I think about this relationship will be different.”
“How so?”
“If you are not serious, I will think of this…what we have between us as…I mean…” replied Anirudh and suddenly laughed.
“What?”
“Nothing.”
“Come on, finish it. What will you think of it?”
“If I have to expect a heartache, I will protect myself by thinking of you as just a…” Anirudh paused.
“Just a what?”
“Just a dash dash dash. Let’s leave it like that, okay?”
Rachanna contemplated for a few moments. “Is that an f word?”
He shrugged. “Or an l word.”
“Oh no! I am not a dash dash dash! How dare you?” She said, hitting him on his arm.
“Come on, how else will I protect myself from a heartbreak?”
“Why can’t we just be someone with whom we can share all our feelings and thoughts? How about us just being there for each other—sexually and emotionally. Why can’t we just share our lives together?”
Anirudh smirked at her. “Hmm…always being sexually and emotionally available for the other person... Hmm…there is a word for that…right there on the tip of my tongue...”
“What?”
Anirudh seemed to be in deep thought. Then, his face cleared up and he said, “Oh yeah. Marriage. They call it a marriage. Being sexually and emotionally available for each other! And the couple generally cohabitates because of logistical issues. If you want to be always available, it makes a lot of sense to cohabitate. You know how that works, right? It means to stay in the same house, and not one of them having to wake up well before dawn and sneak out…”
Rachanna laughed. “Anirudh, I am so happy right now. I am not changing one single thing.”
“We cannot be happy for long if we stay like this. These things generally backfire in the most terrible ways.”
“I know they do!” Rachanna wailed. “But I am so happy. It’s like I’d forgotten how it felt like to be truly happy… And now that I am so happy after so, so many years…it feels new, so new that I am going wild. I am so, so excited by this feeling. Let it last. As long as it can. Please!”
“Alright, alright. I am just saying I cannot do this for long.”
“Why not?”
“Well… Have you ever thought that maybe I would want a family of my own?”
“But you have me…and Asmee.”
“No…I don’t.”
“Okay, you don’t. But…but…you can search for her simultaneously. I mean…we can have an open relationship.”
Anirudh laughed. “So, you would be okay with me dating other girls?”
“Not right now…but maybe…sometime in the future.”
“What happens when I meet the right girl?”
“You marry her and have an affair with me,” she suggested innocently.
Anirudh laughed. “Wow! What an ideal situation. I wonder why no one’s not thought about this before.”
“Yeah, right? I mean…it’s a no-brainer…people are not as brainy as I am,” replied Rachanna, shaking her head.
Anirudh laughed. “That is for sure.”
Rachanna looked at him for a few moments and sighed. Then, she said, “Okay, seriously. Look, I know…I know you need a life of your own. But can you give me some time to figure it all out?”
“Alright.”
“Thank you!”
“Till then you will just be a dash dash dash for me.”
She nodded, and Anirudh noticed the fleeting look of disappointment on her face.
“You have to allow me that. That’ll be the insurance for my heart.”
“Hmm…fine. I hate it, but fine.”