Chapter 18
“O h! I lost again! This is a difficult terrain,” complained Asmee.
“This is the standard terrain, Asmee. You just don’t know how to play yet,” explained Anirudh, pointing to the Xbox.
“Please! Change the terrain. I am sure to win!”
Anirudh laughed. “Okay, which one do you want?”
“The beach one! Yes! That one!”
Anirudh changed the terrain, but Asmee lost again.
“Aww! I thought the beach will be lucky for me!” Asmee said, crestfallen.
“Asmee, you have to go to school tomorrow. You should go to bed soon,” said Rachanna.
Anirudh switched off the Xbox. “Want some laddoo s?”
“Yes!” Asmee exclaimed. “I will go to bed right after I have a laddoo , Amma .”
Rachanna gave in. She knew Asmee was trying one thing after the other to prolong staying up but she gave in anyway.
“Uncle, do you know what my friend did last year? She stayed on a beach overnight. They stayed in a tent! Can you believe that? They had a bonfire and they had such wonderful snacks. They played in the waves and got wet. And she slept under the stars. It was so cool.”
“Hmm… Do you want to stay on the beach too?”
“Yes. I have been asking Amma to take me there forever. She keeps promising, but she never does what she promises,” explained Asmee with a pout.
“Really?” Anirudh asked, looking at Rachanna for an explanation.
Rachanna shrugged. “I don’t want to go alone with her. I am scared. They take people out in a group. What if all the others are men?”
“So what? You paid for your tent. You enjoy on the beach and sleep in the tent. That’s it!”
Rachanna shook her head. “Only a guy can say that. It’s different for a girl. Especially for a single mother. It feels unsafe, uncomfortable. I can’t do that.”
“Just check with the organisers. They will tell you if there will be families with you or just bachelors.”
Rachanna did not respond.
“What?” Anirudh asked when there was no reply.
“You are giving me practical solutions. I am scared. When I am scared, I don’t need practical solutions. I am not going alone with her. Period.”
“I don’t understand. So what? You have never gone on a holiday after Samay?” Anirudh asked, surprised.
Asmee replied, “We went to that temple with thatha and patti . Where was that?”
“Rameshwaram.”
Anirudh was shocked. “So that’s it? You have not taken this child out on any vacations at all?”
“No. She can grow up and go on her own wherever she wants. Or she can go with her friends.”
“That is very unfair,” he said.
“Yes. Very, very unfair,” said Asmee, glad that she finally had someone on her side.
“Go to bed. We will talk about it later.”
Asmee turned to Anirudh and gave him a pitiful look. “But I want to stay at the beach, Uncle.”
“I’ll see what I can do,” replied Anirudh, giving her a smile.
“Thank you,” said Asmee, hugging him before going to bed.
Anirudh looked at Rachanna. “Why are you so scared? I can check if the other people accompanying you would be families.”
“Even if they are families, I don’t want Asmee to compare our life with others. All the other tents will have a mom and a dad. Our tent will only have a mom.”
“You are overthinking this.”
“I am only trying to protect her.”
“You are overprotecting her then.”
Rachanna sighed and turned to face him. “I told you I am scared.”
He kissed her on her nose and asked, “What happened to that girl who once danced all alone?”
She sighed. “She’s long dead. I am a mere scaredy cat now.”
“I cannot believe society has turned that strong girl into this! Just because her husband is dead.”
“I know. I am still strong. But I am also scared.”
Anirudh laughed. “Let’s revive that strong girl. But in the meantime, what if I come with you guys?”
“You will?” Rachanna asked, her eyes shining.
He nodded. “I most definitely would love to.”
Rachanna laughed out in delight. “We just have to tell Asmee not to tell about you to anyone else.”
“Hmm… How long are you going to keep me a secret?”
“I don’t know,” replied Rachanna, shaking her head. “So, should I make a booking for the next weekend?”
“Okay.”
Anirudh laughed when he saw how happy Rachanna was. It sure looked like the mother looked forward to the trip more than the daughter.
***
A couple of weeks later, Anirudh deposited their bags in their tent and straightened up. But he was not steady. He blinked his eyes rapidly and suddenly started to sway slightly, putting his arms out to steady himself.
“Anirudh!” Rachanna exclaimed, moving to his side and catching hold of him. “Are you okay?”
“I am seeing stars,” he replied, blinking rapidly yet again.
Rachanna’s eyes grew wide. She looked at Asmee as if her daughter would be able to tell her what was wrong with him. Asmee just stared at her mother with a similar blank expression. Neither knew what to do.
“I…I am not able to stand properly,” said Anirudh, swaying again and shaking his head.
Rachanna cried out, “Oh my God! Asmee, run! Run and get some help!”
Anirudh almost fell on top of Rachanna as she struggled to hold him upright. But Asmee did not move. She was too shocked to see Anirudh like that and continued to stare at him, her mouth gaping open. Anirudh straightened and shook his head rapidly again as if clearing his head.
“Are you okay?” Rachanna asked, with her hand still on his arms in case he fell.
“Yeah, it is that bag of yours. It was so heavy!” He exclaimed and shook his head again. Then, he turned to look at Asmee, “What the hell did your mother pack for a one-night stay? Half the house?”
Anirudh grinned at Asmee, who burst out laughing. Rachanna heaved a sigh of relief and punched Anirudh’s arm. “Idiot! I was scared.”
Asmee said, “You just wait! She packs half the house and yet, she would have forgotten her toothbrush or my bedtime storybook.”
Rachanna put her hands on her hips and turned to glare at Asmee. “I did not pack your bedtime story book. You can survive one day without it.”
Asmee looked shocked. She turned to look at Anirudh and said, “See? What did I tell you?”
“I am going to kill you both!” Rachanna said, stamping her feet.
Anirudh laughed. He turned to Asmee and asked, “Want to hit the water?”
“Yes!”
She took his hand and they both ran outside the tent, leaving a fuming Rachanna behind.
***
Around 20 to 25 people, including a number of families, had come on the trip. The organiser made them all stand around and introduce themselves. It was quite a futile activity. With only one day to actually spend time with their own families, most of them did not even try to remember the names. Everyone smiled awkwardly before they returned to their own people. One group settled to play throwball, another settled down on the sands to just chat and a few families split from the rest of the group to explore the beach on their own.
Anirudh and Asmee joined the group playing throw ball for a while. Then, they went to play in the waters. It was almost dusk when Anirudh sat down next to Rachanna, as Asmee settled to build a sandcastle.
Rachanna smiled at him. “You both surely get along well.”
He smiled back. “Your girl is a charmer.”
“She is an imp!”
“Well…she maybe a bit mischievous. And talks a dime a dozen, like her mother but…”
Rachanna punched him playfully on his arm. “I don’t talk like her.”
Anirudh grinned.
She sighed. “I am so glad you decided to come on this trip with us.”
“Yeah, me too,” replied Anirudh, leaning on his elbows. “I cannot believe you have not come on this trip before. Don’t you have any friends?”
“Well, I do. But none I can ask to come on the trip.”
“What about your schoolmates? You must be pretty close to them. None of them stay in the city?”
“One girl does. I used to be very close to her…”
“Then?”
“I avoid her nowadays.”
“Why?”
“Well…if I tell you the truth, you will judge me.”
Anirudh became interested. He sat upright. “No, I won’t. Tell me.”
Rachanna flushed. “Okay, not my finest moment…But when I met her a few years back, I was insanely jealous of her.”
“Why?”
“Well. She lived in a big house with manicured gardens. She had a couple of cars standing in their personal garage. And this girl… She used to be a very normal girl at school. But that day…she was wearing designer clothes. She has two sons, who study in the most expensive school in the city. And she has the most amazing husband. And above all…her husband is alive!”
Rachanna shrugged. “Her life is perfect. She has no struggles in life at all. None at all. She is… settled. All the moments in her life must be social media ready. You know what I mean?”
Anirudh looked at her with interest as she continued, “And I…I could not help but compare my life with hers. I got so insanely jealous. I could not help it at all. Eventually, I realised that I did not want to feel like that. I hated it. So, I took the easy way out. I avoided her.”
“You guys were close in school?”
“Very. But now…I could not…I cannot…”
“I understand.”
Rachanna looked at the horizon, a faraway look in her eyes. “Like I said…not my finest moment.”
He shrugged. “It’s these ‘not my finest moment’ that make us human.”
Rachanna looked at him gratefully. “Thanks. For understanding.”
“Well…I am glad I came on this outing. But now, I hate to see you like this.”
“Like what?”
“Dry. Get up! Get up! Asmee! Want to dunk your mother in the waters?”
Asmee abandoned her sandcastle and came running to them. “Yes, yes!”
Rachanna protested, “No way. I am not getting wet.”
But her protests were in vain. Anirudh almost dragged her into the waters and dunked her in. Completely submerged, Rachanna suddenly felt the force of the sea, pulling her in. She was terrified. But only for a moment. Anirudh caught and lifted her out. She came out of the water, gasping and her heart thudding against her rib cage.
Anirudh and Asmee were laughing. It was hard to be cross with them now that she was completely wet and slightly thrilled. The three of them played in the water for a long, long time.
***
Later that night, everyone sat around the bonfire, exchanging stories and jokes as they had a barbeque dinner. Asmee had gone off with the other kids to collect seashells after she had her dinner. A guy had brought a guitar and he strummed a few old Tamil songs. His rendition of Yen Iniya Pon Nilavae was such a hit that he was made to play it twice. Another girl, who had a lovely voice, began to sing the words when he played the guitar. It turned out to be a very magical night.
They entered their tent much later that night. Anirudh had just about spread the sleeping bag when Asmee fell fast asleep. Deciding they could spend another hour talking, Anirudh and Rachanna stepped out of their tent and lay down on the sand, looking up at the sparkly night sky. The night was brilliantly lit by the full moon. The ocean gleamed under the moon light. A slight, chill breeze caressed them.
Anirudh took her hand and said, “If you marry me, you will have company for all your vacations. We can go to exotic places…”
Rachanna laughed. “I am not going to marry you just so I can go on vacations.”
Anirudh chuckled. “You are not thinking about it properly. Just think about it for a few moments. You can go trekking. You can go to Venice for a few days. Maybe Rome. Or Bhutan…”
“Don’t try to tempt me.”
They both laughed.
After a moment, Anirudh turned to his side, rested on his elbow and looked into her eyes. “Why are you so hesitant to marry me? I am asking you seriously now. Really. Why are you so hesitant?”
“You are single. I am a widow with a child. It won’t be fair to you.”
“I am crazy about you. You are crazy about me. I love Asmee to bits. And I dare say she likes me a lot too. Really. What is the reason?”
Rachanna shrugged. “What if something goes wrong?”
“What will go wrong? You know me. And I know you.”
“That is the problem. You know me too well. You know what I did. You know I cheated on my husband. I am scared that there will come a day when you will suspect me of cheating on you. I am terrified that you will have doubts every time someone calls me or message me. I am terrified that, someday, you will start to believe that I am not beyond cheating on you…”
Anirudh looked at her, shocked. “Are you crazy? Why would I do that?”
“Because you are the only one who knows I have not been a faithful wife. If I wasn’t faithful to Samay, why would I be to you? It is a natural assumption…”
He sat up. “Not for me. You are my soulmate. It is true that you were first married to Samay. But that was only because he saw you first. It was a mistake. Everything was a mistake. Everything went wrong between Samay and you. But with us? Everything has been so right. Right from the beginning. And I will never ever suspect you. Even if you tell me otherwise.”
Rachanna looked at him gratefully. “Thank you. That means a lot to me.”
“So, let’s get married?”
Rachanna laughed. “Maybe after some time.”
Anirudh glared at her. “You are slippery. You cannot be slippery for long.”
She laughed again. “I know.”
It was much later before they retired to the tent. They settled down in their sleeping bags on either side of Asmee. They whispered a ‘good night’ to each other and switched off the light.
In only a few moments, Rachanna went to Anirudh. She kissed him on his lips. But after the kiss, he backed away, panting.
“Go back to your bed!” He said in a gruff voice.
“Why?” Rachanna asked, surprised.
“Asmee.”
“She is asleep.”
“She might wake up.”
“She is a deep sleeper. She never wakes up. And she has played a lot today. She won’t wake up tonight for sure.”
“Too much of a risk,” mumbled Anirudh.
“She won’t wake up,” insisted Rachanna.
“If she does and catches us, we scar her for life,” he whispered, kissing Rachanna on her forehead.
She sighed deeply as she moved away, disappointed.
Anirudh said, “Don’t worry. Next week, we will come back. But without Asmee.”
“Promise?” Rachanna asked, her excitement obvious in her voice.
Anirudh laughed. “Yes. Now sleep! Good night.”
“Good night.”
***
Early next morning, they were served hot beverages before everyone left for their homes. Anirudh wanted to take Asmee on a catamaran ride and was making a few calls. Rachanna stood next to him, overhearing his side of the conversation.
“How many people will you be taking?... And how far out do you go into the sea?... Three of us… Yeah…yeah…you tell me the details first and then I will tell you where I am….no, no… First tell me what I asked for... No! Why does it matter where we are?”
Rachanna smiled as she moved away and sat on the beach while Asmee played around. She ran after small crabs and covered them with sand. Some of the crabs resurfaced and ran away. But many others just disappeared under the sand.
Anirudh came back to Rachanna and said, “Sorry. No catamaran ride today. Looks like the sea is rough. Next week.”
“That works,” said Rachanna, nodding.
They picked up their luggage and started to walk towards the road. Asmee ran ahead.
“How do you do that?” Rachanna asked.
“Do what?”
“That guy was asking for your location, but you kept refusing.”
“Why should I share my location when I don’t know if I would be availing his service?”
“If it was me, I would have shared my name, location and even my Aadhar number.”
Anirudh laughed.
“I am serious. How do you do that?” She asked again.
“Do what?” Anirudh asked, still not understanding what she was asking for.
“Say no.”
Anirudh looked at her for a few moments and then said, “Yeah, even I have noticed that. You cannot say no.”
“It’s very hard for me.”
“Come on. Let’s practice now.”
“How?”
“Imagine I am Kalpana. I come to you and say, ‘Rachanna, I need someone to compere for the upcoming Vinayaka Chaturthi celebrations …”
“Eh? So, I should say no?”
“Yes.”
She laughed. “Okay. I would say, ‘No, Aunty. I am really sorry…’”
“Nope. All wrong. Try again.”
“What? I did not even complete the sentence.”
“Don’t apologise. Just say no. Let’s start again. ‘Rachanna, I need someone to compere for the upcoming Vinayaka Chaturthi celebrations…’.”
“‘No, Aunty. I cannot do that. I am really sorry’. Sorry, sorry. Scratch that sorry…”
“Try again from the beginning.”
Rachanna took a deep breath and said, “Okay. I will say, ‘No, Aunty. I cannot do that. Asmee has her exams coming up’.”
“Nope. Still wrong.”
“What now?” Rachanna wailed.
“Don’t apologise and don’t give excuses either. You don’t have to.”
“No excuses? Then what should I say?”
“Repeat after me,” said Anirudh.
“Okay.”
“No.”
“No.”
After a moment of silence, Rachanna asked, “Then what?”
“That’s it. What else do you need?”
“No? Just that? Are you crazy? Indians cannot say no without an explanation. It is rude to decline. It is ruder to decline without an explanation. We owe them detailed explanations till they are satisfied that we have no way of doing what they are asking us to do. We have to convince them that it is absolutely impossible for us to do what they are requesting.”
“Don’t be silly. What if you just don’t feel like it?”
“Don’t feel like it? How do our feelings matter?”
“Of course, they matter. If you don’t feel like doing something, you should decline without saying anything. No excuses. No explanations. No apologies.”
Rachanna looked at him, bewildered. “Okay. Maybe I am not cut to say no.”
“Try. You can do it.”
She laughed. “Are you motivating me to do nothing?”
“I am motivating you to do something extremely critical. It’s only if we learn to say no to things that don’t not matter, that we can say yes to things that do matter.”
Rachanna nodded thoughtfully. “Hmm… Deep.”
“I know. I should write a book.”
“Yeah, you totally should,” replied Rachanna, laughing as they loaded their luggage into their car.
***
On their drive back, Anirudh asked, “Asmee! What about brunch? What would you like to have?”
“Pizza!” Asmee exclaimed.
“Pizza for brunch! Are you kidding? No. Let’s stop at some South Indian restaurant,” said Rachanna crossly.
“Why not?” Asmee wailed. “What is wrong with pizza for brunch?”
“Well, it is not a good food for brunch.”
“How do you know? You have never tried it. You should always keep an open mind and try. If you decide you are not going to like something before even trying it, you will most definitely not like it.”
Anirudh laughed. Rachanna looked back and glared at her daughter, who grinned at her.
Asmee then said cockily, “Your words. Not mine.”
“Your words?” Anirudh asked. “You’d said that?”
Asmee pipped from behind. “Yes! She always says that when she wants me to try some new vegetable or some stupid thing that is good for my health.”
Anirudh laughed aloud.
“Stupid thing? How dare you? I take so much effort to cook healthy things for you…”
“ Amma ! You should not take so much effort all the time. You should relax once in a while. We can order in. We can eat pizza. Why do you take so much strain? I am saying this only for your benefit…”
Anirudh continued to laugh, and his eyes started to tear up.
Rachanna glared at him. “Stop encouraging her.”
“As if she needs any encouragement. There! I see a pizza place.”
“Yes!” Asmee screamed, too excited.
Rachanna did not have the heart to disappoint her daughter. “Fine. But no more junk food for the rest of the month!”
But Asmee pretended not to hear her mother. She was busy chanting, “Pizza! Pizza! Pizza!”
***
As they were eating pizza, which incidentally Rachanna did love, though she never accepted the same to her daughter, Asmee asked, “Are you going again next weekend?”
Rachanna looked at her with shock. “Go again? Where?”
“Camping. I heard you both make plans.”
Shocked, Rachanna looked at Anirudh to see the expression mirrored on his face.
“Were you not sleeping?” Rachanna asked.
“I was. But I still heard…” said Asmee, as she bit into her pizza.
“Eh? No, we are not,” replied Rachanna.
“Why not? I’ll be at grandma’s next weekend. You both can go again.”
“Do you want a choco lava cake with your pizza?” Anirudh asked, changing the subject. It proved to be very effective. Asmee forgot all about it.
“Yes!”
“Say ‘yes, please’,” reprimanded Rachanna automatically. Her mind was still in a whirl.
“Yes, please.”
They finished their lunch and as they were about to get into their car, Rachanna pulled Anirudh aside and whispered, “Thank you, Anirudh! Thank you for stopping me last night…”
“Shh! It’s okay,” he said, patting her on her cheeks. “We learn. Together. Okay?”
“Oh God! I cannot imagine…” she cried out, agonised by the thought of Asmee seeing them.
“It’s fine. It did not happen,” consoled Anirudh.
“It almost did.”
“The important thing is it didn’t.”
“You are acting like the responsible parent. I am being such a horrible mother…”
“Shhh! Enough. Stop it. We will be more careful from now on, okay?”
Rachanna nodded half-heartedly. She was too upset, still thinking about what could have happened.