Chapter 21
R achanna could not sleep a wink that night. For the last ten years, she had been tormented by guilt. For cheating on her husband. For not telling Anirudh. For letting everyone, including Asmee, down.
But strangely, that night, it was not guilt that kept her awake. When someone else accused her of exactly the things she already had been feeling guilty of, she was quick to defend herself. She realised that what she had done was inexcusable and unforgiveable. But did she actually have a choice?
Except for the night she had spent with Anirudh, she had little choice in anything else. And even that night, for the first time in her life, she wondered if she could have done anything else. Her husband was sick, and she was toiling day and night to take care of him. And he had allowed her a couple of days off.
She had grabbed that chance to live like a normal girl in her early twenties. All she had wanted out of that night was to drink and dance. But she had ended up chatting with Anirudh, who forced his company on her. She never went looking for him or any other guy. She even tried to resist him. But he was charming, and it felt normal. And normal, in her then circumstances, held an undeniable attraction for her. All she had wanted was one normal day. Or at least a day when she could pretend normalcy.
She had never planned to get as drunk as she did. She’d gone overboard. That had been her first mistake. After that, she could hardly have a say in what happened. It was all fuzzy and she could hardly remember much. Had it been her fault? Absolutely. But should she really pay for that mistake with her entire life?
After that incident, nothing in her life went as per her plan. She did not plan to get pregnant. She did not plan to deceive Samay that it was his baby. Nor did she plan to keep Anirudh in the dark. She did not have any choice. If she had to do it all again, she could have done nothing different.
Had she felt guilty about it all? Sure as hell. She had felt so guilty that it had actually changed her. She’d been a very confident woman before that. The guilt had destroyed her. It had made her a mass of nerves. It made her doubt her every move. It made her scared of society and of people who had not mattered before. It made her afraid of things she had never noticed before. It changed her. Did she truly deserve all that and more? Hadn’t she paid enough?
For the first time in her life, Rachanna decided that enough was enough. She had spent the best part of the last ten years feeling guilty. She was not going to continue. She was going to put it past her. If anyone else had a problem with her forgoing her guilt and forgiving herself, they simply did not deserve a place in her life or in her mind. She was going to let it all go. She’d made a mistake and now, she had decided to forgive herself.
All it took was someone else to blame her for her to come to her own defence.
***
The next morning, Rachanna was still wearing the electric blue saree. The events of the previous day had confused her so much that she’d forgotten to even change out of her dress. She’d spent the night in that saree.
But her face was cleaned of make-up and her hair was tied up in a bun. She was heaving. She rang the doorbell again. No response. She banged her fists on the door.
Anirudh opened the door, frowning. “What is wrong with you?”
“Anirudh! I want to talk to you.”
“Not now…go home…”
“Now! I am not asking you. Move aside,” said Rachanna sternly.
Anirudh reluctantly stepped aside, letting her in. Rachanna went and stood in front of the couch.
“Sit down,” she commanded.
Anirudh’s frown deepened. “It’s my house. I know when and where to sit…”
“Shut up and sit down!” She said, glaring at him. Anirudh met her steely glance with his own. They glared at each other, before, finally, Anirudh shrugged and sat on the couch. He leaned back and crossed his legs, waiting for her to speak.
“I want to talk to you…” began Rachanna.
Anirudh waited patiently, while she seemed to gather her thoughts as she paced the room.
“How…how dare you? How dare you think so cheaply of me?” She spluttered.
“Look…I…”
“No! You cannot talk now. I will talk and you will listen, understand? I do not want you to interrupt me when I am talking. I will lose my line of thought…”
Anirudh sighed and kept quiet.
“How dare you think so lowly of me? You said you wanted to marry me but that was not true, was it? There is no way that someone can so easily believe that the person they want to marry is so cheap!”
She heaved and continued pacing.
“First…Samay did not ask me to sleep with another guy. He did not egg me to have an affair. No husband in their right mind would do that. And Samay sure did not. Do you understand? He did not. He just wanted me to go out and enjoy an evening or two. He sent me with my friend. He did, however, say that I was allowed to chat with some guys. Just for fun.
“If I probably met some cute guys and we had fun, he’d be okay with it. Maybe he would have been okay with some flirting and dancing or even just a drink together. But definitely not sleeping with anyone else. Samay was not like that. Do you understand me? God! To even think that…”
She paused to take a few deep breaths. “Second, I did not intend to sleep with you that night. It just happened. One thing led to another, and it was the most immature and the most irresponsible thing I have ever done. But you know what? It was a mistake. A mistake for which I have been suffering for more than a decade.
“For that one night, I have suffered inexplicable agony. I have suffered guilt like you cannot even imagine. I suffered deceiving Samay, his parents, Asmee and you. I went through hell for deceiving almost everyone around me. But you know what? It is enough! I am putting an end to all that suffering and agony today.
“Because I have paid more than my dues. Way more. I am sorry it happened. But it was a mistake. And people make mistakes. I have been through hell for what I did. And from right this moment, I forgive myself!”
Rachanna was talking more to herself than Anirudh at that point. “Enough! Enough!” Her eyes were glistening. She controlled herself and looked at Anirudh. “And I am done feeling guilty about that night! Understand?”
When Anirudh did not say anything, she continued, “You told me it was a choice between Samay and you. That is right. It was. I chose my husband over a guy I barely knew. I totally accept it. Do you think it was an easy decision? Hmm… Let me see. I have to choose either to break the heart of my dying husband, or I have to choose not to tell the guy I inadvertently slept with and got pregnant and who I did not even know how to contact in the first place.
“Hmm… Looks like it was not a difficult decision at all. It was a pretty easy one, wasn’t it? I chose my husband. And if I had to do it all again, I would probably make the same choice! It was an easy choice. It was damn easy to make. Of course, it was hell to live with that decision but to make it? Easy peasy…”
She paused to take another deep breath. “And third! I did not choose Samay because of his wealth. I chose him because he needed that child more than you ever will. Do you know how happy Asmee made him? Do you know how many times he was awake the whole night holding her in his arms and trying to get her to sleep?
“Even though he himself was sick, he always cared for her. Do you know how many times I saw him wait expectantly by the door for his daughter to come back from playschool? He’d sit in his wheelchair, staring at the door for as long as half an hour before she was to reach home! He was crazy about her. Do you know how many times he fed her…played with her…?
“Do you know how he used to keep looking at her while she slept? What would you know? It is easy to imagine what a parent must go through with a child when you are a non-parent. But to do it? Only a parent will know how hard it is. You will feel powerless. Love makes you powerless. You fret, you worry…you worry about the things in your control and about everything else beyond your control.
“And in this truly helpless state of a parent does true love live! You know nothing about it! Nothing. Fathering a child is not enough. You need to be a father to know what the challenges are. And you cannot even begin to imagine them!”
Anirudh glared at her. But Rachanna had stopped noticing him. She was untethered. “And Samay’s wealth? He willed his property between Asmee, his parents, and me. But I have not touched his wealth. I am planning to donate it as I cannot return it to his parents without telling them the truth. But let me reiterate. I have no plans on touching a penny of Samay’s wealth.
“The only reason I am still living this lie is because that is what Samay would have wanted. He would not want his parents hurt and, his parents are like my parents. That is what a marriage is! I have to think about them. And his parents! Do you know how much they love Asmee? Asmee does not let them miss Samay as much! Do you know how they look after her?
“My parents are not even around. They do not even care. But Samay’s parents do. They care. Even I cannot look after Asmee the way they do. Once…once when I was on a business trip…she fell down and had to be taken to the hospital. They stayed with her day and night. And when I reached the hospital, Samay’s mother was crying uncontrollably…as if it was her fault…” Rachanna’s voice broke. “How can I forget all that?
“What else did you accuse me of? Yes! You wanted to know why I did not approach you after he died. Or why I never told you when we met. Let me tell you this… Asmee loves her dad. She remembers very little of him. But of what she does remember…she loves him. She loves to look at his photos and videos in which he is with her. She has created an image of a wonderful, amazing father in her head.
“The one who was crazy about her. And I do not want to disturb that image. How do you think she will feel when she grows up and realises that her mother slept with someone else while being married to her dad? How do you think she will feel when the person who she believes to be her dad was not her dad at all? In spite of how much she likes you or in spite of how much she is going to love you, she will always love Samay more. He is her true dad. Not you!”
Anirudh gritted his teeth and looked away.
Rachanna continued, “And I am not…being with you because I need a man. Do you think I need a man in my life? Do you honestly think so? No! I have lived so many years without Samay or you. I have lived with no man in my life and I don’t want one now. Not now. Not ever. Understood?”
Anirudh did not look at her. He was looking away, a strange expression on his face.
“But everything said and done…” said Rachanna, her voice dipping low. “I…I still love you. I would love to have you in my life. I can live without you. I do not need you. But my life would be so much more beautiful with you in it. I want to share everything in my life with you. Including Asmee.”
Anirudh looked at her in surprise.
Rachanna nodded. “I want to marry you…if…if you will have me. I came yesterday to propose to you and to tell you the truth. I want to marry you. I would like that very much. I will tell Samay’s parents myself. I will find the courage to tell them that I love you…and that I have moved on. I will give every penny of Samay’s money to them. But I cannot do anything more.
“I cannot tell Asmee or Samay’s parents the truth about who is the real father of Asmee. If you are okay with that…I am ready to get married to you… in front of everyone. I am ready to announce to the world just how crazy I am about you. I am ready to tell Asmee that I love you…thought I think that sneak already knows. That’s my offer. Take it…” said Rachanna, heaving, “or…or leave it.”
Anirudh looked at her with an inscrutable expression for several long minutes. Rachanna waited patiently for the verdict, her heart racing. He leaned closer, locked his fingers together and rested his elbows on his legs. He looked at her for a long time. “Did you mean it when you said you will leave your guilt behind?”
Rachanna steeled herself and raised her chin in defiance. “Yes. Starting five minutes back. No more guilt! I’ve had enough! After all, I am only human. Yes, I made a mistake. But I have suffered enough for it. No amount of worrying or fretting or feeling guilty is going to change even an iota of what happened. So, I am accepting it and moving on. No more guilt.”
“That is quite courageous of you.”
She shrugged. “Well…I suppose it is.”
“Very courageous of you to tell your in-laws that you want to marry me.”
“Well…no choice there. I have to. So, will you marry me?” She asked, feeling hopeful.
“Tell your in-laws first. Then we will see…”
“Why? You think I will back out?”
“All I have right now is you promising to be courageous. I have no proof.”
“Well…”
“Show me!”
“Okay!” Rachanna said, sighing and sitting on the couch next to him. She looked exhausted. She looked at him, forlorn. “Can I get a hug? I really need one.”
Anirudh did not let her finish. He opened his arms and beckoned her.
She snuggled up to him and let out a contended sigh. “I am tired. I don’t ever want to move from here.”
He kissed her cheek. “Yeah, me too. Were you honestly planning on proposing to me yesterday?”
“Yes. That was why I had a bouquet. I had a ring and a watch too…”
“And would you have told me the truth yesterday?”
“Yes.”
“Why did you not tell me before? Asmee might love Samay more than me, but I can love her more than anyone else, right?”
“I know… I am sorry. It was a big mess. When you moved here, I was so shocked, I wanted to run away from here. I wondered if I really should. But when I started to get to know you again…it was impossible. When you came to my house the first time and I invited you to stay for dinner, I had already made up my mind by then. I know that in retrospect now.
“I had unconsciously made up my mind to let you be a part of my life. That is why I asked you to stay for dinner when I had not asked any other guy till then. I had decided that I had to tell you. I had decided to tell you everything. And I wanted to explore the possibility of us together. If I had a chance to start again, I knew it had to be with you. Only you.
“I would not have restarted my life with anyone else. No other guy in the entire world would have done. Only you. And I decided that day to let you inside my life. That day, I had already decided to restart things with you unconsciously. I just did not know it at that time. I had unconsciously decided to tell you about Asmee. I had unconsciously wanted to spend the rest of my life with you. It might just have been a dinner invitation for you. But for me…it was so much more than that.”
“Why did you not tell me then?”
“I did not have the courage to. First, I wanted to see if things worked out between us. I wanted to see if Asmee liked you. I wanted to see if you liked Asmee. There was so much at stake. But everything worked out. I only had to tell you. That was the only thing remaining but I could not do it. I was so scared. I was scared of your reaction. This exact reaction. I did not know how to tell you. I was scared you would hate me and I guess I wanted a few more days with you when you actually loved me. I was selfish. I wanted you to love me…not hate me.”
“I do love you, Rachanna. Nothing is going to change that. But you knew how much I needed a hold on my life, and you could easily have given it to me…”
“I know. I am sorry.”
“You wasted so much time. So much!”
“Yeah.”
“Do you promise to spend the rest of your life making up for it?”
Rachanna looked at him, amazed. She then grinned. “Gladly.”
“I am still angry with you,” said Anirudh.
“I know.”
“But then…what will I achieve fighting with you? Nothing other than being with Asmee and you makes sense. I don’t honestly have a choice but to try to forgive you.”
“Thank God for that!” Rachanna replied.
“I hate you,” said Anirudh.
Rachanna’s heart hurt even though she realised the words were uttered in anger. Nevertheless, she managed a smile. “That’s okay. I will love you enough for the both of us.”
Anirudh sighed and looked at her, crestfallen. She moved forward to kiss him on his lips.