13
Charlotte
I throw on a light puffer jacket and turn to Sage. “Thank you for staying with Charlie tonight.”
“You don’t need to thank me, Char; we’re friends.” She’s standing in the foyer with me, a hand on her hip. “I’d rather come and hold the jerk down so you could punch him in the gut, but I’ll watch Charlie for you instead.”
I chuckle at her joke, although the more I get to know Sage, I wonder if she’s actually kidding.
Sage never really knew Jason since she didn’t grow up with him like Jane and Austin did. Cutting him off wasn’t much of a hardship for her. It was harder for Austin, and while I never asked him to do it, I felt supported when he no longer invited him to the bar for a drink with the guys. Sometimes I wonder if Jason’s friends cutting him off after our breakup made him stay away so much. I wonder about it, but I don’t feel guilty. His friends judged his actions and reacted accordingly.
So why is he back now ?
I still can’t figure that one out, and I’m hoping to get answers tonight .
I pull up to McDougal’s Pub, one of the few bars in town, and breathe in and out slowly a few times before heading inside.
It’s Sunday night so there’s a good-sized crowd, but nothing too rowdy like a Friday or Saturday Karaoke night would bring. The lighting is dim and the furniture dark, with black leather booths and chairs scattered around the bar. Two groups linger in the back by the pool tables, and I look past them for Jason.
“Hey Charlotte, darling. How are you?” asks the server as she walks past with a tray full of drinks. “Hey Debbie,” I call out.
After setting the glasses down in front of some regulars, she returns to me. “Are you drinking alone, or can I help you find someone?”
I hate having to admit this, but in a town as small as this and a bar as crowded as this one, it won’t be a secret for long. “I’m here to talk to Jason. Is he here yet?”
She looks around the bar and clicks her tongue. “I haven’t seen him. Why don’t you take a seat in the booth down there and I’ll send him over when he comes in?”
The booth is tucked away in a corner, far from the pool tables and bar. I appreciate her help in keeping this as quiet as possible. “Thanks, Deb.”
“Don’t mention it.”
I scoot across the black leather bench and tap my nails on the table as I wait for Jason.
Meeting him at home wasn’t an option, and I didn’t want to ask Jane and Austin if we could use their place, as that could be awkward for Austin. I don’t want the town to know my business, but it’s one of the few downfalls of living here, so I suck it up.
Debbie brings me a glass of sparkling water with lemon, my usual, while I scroll my phone. Time goes by slowly as I sip my drink, and it’s nearly finished when Jason finally shows up.
“Sorry, I’m late,” he says.
“Traffic?” I ask.
He grimaces. “No. Just got stuck somewhere and I couldn’t leave.”
“Glad you could pull yourself away long enough to meet with me.”
“Do you mind if we skip the sarcasm tonight? I’m not in the mood.”
“Fine. How about we skip the pleasantries and the small talk and get right to the point? What do you want, Jason?”
“I told you. I want to talk with you and to Charlie.”
“About what?”
“Nothing specific. I just want to get to know him. Is that so wrong?”
I fight the urge to yell at him and stare up at the ceiling, avoiding eye contact. “How long are you planning to stay in town? ”
“I don’t know. A week, maybe more.”
I turn to him. “Then what? You don’t come back for another three or four years?” I shake my head. “I’m not doing that to Charlie. I know how it feels to be abandoned by someone you love, someone you thought would be there for you. If you’re not planning to stick around, I think it’s best we don’t tell Charlie who you are.”
He leans back. “That’s not fair.”
“Not fair? To whom? To you?”
“And to Charlie. He should know who his father is.”
“He’s never asked me. Maybe he doesn’t want to know.”
“Or maybe he’s too afraid to bring it up if you never have. If you don’t think he’s curious, then you’re delusional.”
I grip my glass tighter. “Don’t call me names, Jason. This won’t end well if you do.”
“When did you become this angry person?”
My eyes bug out and my mouth hangs open. I’m speechless—utterly speechless. “I became this person because of you, Jason! If you think what you did doesn’t affect a person and change who they are, then you are the delusional one.”
“I thought we weren’t to call each other names?”
“Fuck you, Jason.” I know I’m out of line, but I’ve wanted to say that to him for ten years. “I won’t sit here and pretend that we’re on even ground. You left me. You hurt me .”
“And you knew I didn’t want to be a father, but you continued with the pregnancy, anyway.”
“That’s right. You didn’t want to be a father, so why the do you want to be one now? Or is this just an itch you want to scratch? Some curiosity that has you wondering who Charlie is? I won’t risk his well-being for that.”
He looks around the room, but I couldn't care less if anyone’s listening. “It’s more than a curiosity. It’s hard to explain. Most of my friends and colleagues are married and have families now. I wonder what it would have been like if we had waited. Maybe after a few years of marriage, we would have wanted to start a family. But, I have a son, and even though I wasn’t ready to be a father then, I think I’m ready now.”
“You think? It’s not like buying a shirt you can return. This isn’t about you, Jason. Do you still not get that?”
Deb approaches the table, catches my eye, and immediately returns to the bar.
“You’re taking my words and distorting them on purpose, and you know it,” he hisses.
“No. I’m not. I’m looking out for my son.”
Jason takes a deep breath and leans back in his seat. “I don’t want to fight with you, Charlotte. ”
I watch him carefully. I’m not fooled by his calmness. He didn’t have a temper, but his feelings could change on a whim.
When I don’t respond, he sighs again. “What will it take for you to allow me to see him?”
My leg bounces beneath the table. Annoyed, I hate that he’s turned this on me, that he expects me to find a solution to his problem. “I’m not looking to control you. I just don’t want Charlie to get hurt.”
“Fine. We don’t tell him who I am, at least not at first. When you’re ready, we will tell him together.”
I stare at him, wondering what he’s up to. Does he really just want to get to know Charlie, or is it something more?
“You don’t get to take him without me, do you understand? I must be there the whole time.”
“All right. I can agree to that. Anything else?”
“We meet in a public place first, a park or something. This way, when I think it’s time to go, we leave.”
Jason hesitates, but eventually nods. “I want to see him tomorrow.”
“He’s got school tomorrow and then homework.”
“I’m sure he’ll be happy if you surprise him with a stop at the park on the way back home.”
“Fine. Meet us at the park next to the school at four. Don’t be late or I won't mention anything about the park and we’ll go straight home. ”
“I’ll be there.”
I stand from the bench and scoot over to the edge to get out.
“Are you leaving?” he asks.
“Yes.”
“I thought we could catch up. Since you got a babysitter, we could spend a bit more time together.”
I shake my head. “I’ve got nothing more to say to you.”
I drop cash on the table to pay for my water and a tip. “I’ll see you at four tomorrow.”
I feel Jason’s eyes on my back, and it hits me. This is a full circle moment. The last time we spoke, he walked away from me. I now realize how the tables have turned. Despite this positive reflection, I don’t like the emotions and memories it brings up.
My stomach flips upside down and I cover my mouth to stop from gagging. Oh God!
The fresh air helps settle my stomach and my nerves. I thought getting away from Jason would make me feel better, but my body still strums with nervous energy.
I pull into my driveway ten minutes later and race to open the front door. I drop the keys on the foyer table and rush to the bathroom, where I finally heave the contents of my stomach into the toilet. Once. Twice. And finally, a third time .
I slide along the white-tiled wall and rest my head against the tub.
“Are you okay?” Sage bends down in front of me and puts her hand on my forehead. “You don’t have a fever. You feel clammy and cold.”
I close my eyes. “I don’t feel well.”
“Ugh, your body’s reacting to having to sit and listen to that fool. Come on.”
Sage wraps her arm behind my back and lifts me from the bathroom floor. My head drops onto her shoulder and another wave of nausea runs through me. I press my lips together and make it to my bed with Sage’s help without running back to the toilet.
I kick off my shoes and pull down my pants as Sage removes the decorative pillows from my bed. “There,” she says as she tucks me in. “I’ll bring you some water and check on you later.”
“Thanks, Sage,” I mumble with my eyes closed.
My head pounds at my temples and along the side of my scalp. I didn’t know how I’d react, talking to Jason again. Now I know it’s not good.
He hurt me all those years ago, and I thought I was over it. But seeing him tonight brought all those feelings back. I thought I could focus on the present, but all I feel is anger.
I know I have to see him tomorrow. I just hope I don’t throw up on his white sneakers. Or maybe that wouldn’t be the worst thing.
I smile as the thought gives me more pleasure than it should.
*
The last bell of the day rings and the kids jump out of their seats to grab their jackets in the hallway. “Don’t forget to pick a topic for your science project tonight. We’ll discuss them tomorrow.”
No one responds, but I know they heard me. Savannah giggles at something Danielle says, and the girls hug before Savannah runs off toward her mother.
I grab my purse and walk over to Charlie’s class. “Hey, are you ready?”
Charlie gathers his books, and I turn to Jane. “Everything okay?”
“Yes. Charlie just had a question about the math homework.”
“Should I work with him on it tonight?”
“Maybe look and see if he’s solving the equations properly.”
I nod and watch Charlie put on his jacket.
“How are you?” asks Jane. “Are you still feeling sick? ”
“Yeah. A little. Maybe I’m coming down with something.”
“Maybe. Or maybe it has something to do with taking Charlie to the park?”
My stomach turns at that very moment. “Maybe.”
“Do you want me to come with you?”
It would be easier having Jane there. “You know what? Sure. I’d feel better if you were there.”
“Let me grab Anthony and Cassandra and we’ll meet you at the park.”
“Thanks, Jane.”
“Are we going to the park?” asks Charlie.
“Yup.”
“And Anthony’s coming, too?”
I nod.
“Awesome.”
Jane and her kids meet us outside and we walk to the park together. As we draw nearer, I spot Jason at one of the picnic tables. He stands and walks toward us. Jane reaches for my hand and squeezes it as we cross the street in front of the park. The boys race to the slide and Cassandra pulls Jane toward the swings. “I’ll be right here if you need me.”
I inhale sharply and nod right before squaring my shoulders and meeting Jason at the sandbox behind the slides.
“I was worried you wouldn’t show up. ”
“I keep my word.”
“I know. But we’ve both changed in this time, so I wasn’t sure.”
He looks over my shoulder at Charlie, and I cross my arms. “So, how do you want to do this?”
“I don’t know,” he says. “I’ll let you take the lead.”
I look over at Charlie, and he’s laughing at something Anthony just said. I hate interrupting them, but I want to get this over with. “I’ll call him over and introduce you as my friend. Then, you take it from there. But I’ll be next to you the whole time.”
“Alright.”
I take another gulp of air before closing my eyes, pray that I’m doing the right thing, and turn around. “Charlie! Can you come here for a minute?”
Charlie swings his body toward me, looks back at the slide longingly, but races over.
“Charlie, this is Jason Miller. Jason,” I inhale deeply, “this is Charlie.”
I continue taking large breaths to keep my anxiety down because my heart’s beating like a caged butterfly right now.
“Hi,” says Charlie.
“Hey there, little guy.”
Charlie squints and I cringe. Charlie hates it when people refer to his size. He’s a bit on the smaller side, but I’ve told him he’ll catch up soon. Geez, this is already off to a bad start.
I clear my throat, hoping to break the awkward silence. “So, Charlie. Jason wanted to meet you and say hello.”
“That’s right,” says Jason. “I—um—I wanted to… say hello.” He rocks back and forth on his black boots.
I roll my eyes.
Charlie looks at me and I immediately fix my face with a smile and wait for Jason to continue.
When Jason says nothing, I fidget with my sleeves until I finally give up and sigh loudly this time.
Charlie moves closer to me and cups his hand over his mouth. “Can I go now?”
I look over at Jason and he’s got his hands in his pockets and is bouncing on his toes. The energy is all wrong and if he won’t fix the situation, then I won’t bail him out. “Sure.”
Charlie races back to Anthony, and they climb up the stairs to the larger blue slide.
“That was terrible,” says Jason.
I don’t disagree, but I stay quiet.
“He doesn’t want to talk to me at a park. We need to do this again at a place where I’m not competing with friends and,” he points to the playground, “and… ”
I help him out, since he’s obviously floundering. Jason was never good at competing with others. “Slides.”
“Yeah. Slides.”
“A child’s attention span is pretty small. You’ll always compete against a friend, the television, a bike, or a freaking worm, for goodness’ sake.”
“Then let me take you both out for dinner. This way, we can talk uninterrupted.”
Jane walks over to us at that moment. I wonder if she read the horror on my face.
“Hey, Jason,” she says.
Jason’s greeting is cold. “Jane.”
My friend looks at me and searches for clues on my face. I nod slightly, giving her the ‘all okay’ signal we hadn’t rehearsed, but she understood.
“Have dinner with me, Charlotte. If things aren’t going well, you and Charlie can leave at any time. It’s still a public place.”
I consider his offer. Charlie’s been begging to go to this new restaurant that opened last month, but the menu is too expensive. With no shame, I suggest it to Jason.
To his credit, he doesn’t flinch or hesitate. “I’ll make the reservations tonight. Can I have your number to text you the time? ”
Damn. I don’t want to give him my number, but I can always block him if it comes to that. “Give me your phone.”
He hands it to me, and I type in my number on a text message and send it to myself. “There. But only send me the date and time. Charlie and I will meet you there.”
“All right. Thanks, Char.”
“It’s Charlotte.”
I turn and Jane follows me a few steps down the pathway until we’re out of earshot.
“You can breathe now,” says Jane, and I exhale loudly, lifting my hair from my brow.
“Damn, that was hard,” I say, my palms sweating.
“I know. But you did it.”
“Am I doing the right thing, Jane? I keep asking myself that question and I don’t have an answer.”
“Honey, that’s parenting. We try our best, and sometimes we make good decisions and sometimes we make bad ones—but if we keep them safe, we can always fix the bad ones.”
“I hope you’re right, because some mistakes take years to fix.”
I stare at Jason as he watches Charlie. I haven’t seen him in years. I don’t know who he is anymore. Considering I thought he would stick by me through anything, I wonder if I ever really knew him.