15
Charlotte
I hear Sage’s question, but I don’t understand why she’s asking me that. “I can’t remember.”
“Did you write it down somewhere?”
“No. It just comes when it comes.”
“Seriously, Charlotte? You don’t plan around it?”
“It only lasts three days.”
“Wow, you’re lucky.” She shakes her head. “That’s not the point. Did you have your period while you were on vacation?”
“No.”
“Have you had it since?”
“No.”
Sage stares at me, and when I say nothing, she claps her hands and her bracelets jangle. “Charlotte, I think you’re pregnant!”
“What?! No. That’s impossible. I can’t get pregnant, not after Charlie. It was a difficult birth. The doctor told me I would have less than a ten percent chance of getting pregnant again, and not without fertility treatments.”
“So, you’re saying there’s a chance? ”
“No. Those odds are almost impossible to beat.”
“Improbable, yes. Impossible?” She shrugs. “I think you should take a test.”
“Right now?”
“Yes.”
“I don’t have—”
“I’ve got one. Let me grab it for you.”
Sage jumps off the couch and jogs toward her bedroom. Since she owns the house and I pay rent, it was only fair for her to take the ensuite while Charlie and I share a bathroom.
While I understand Sage’s concern, I think she’s completely wrong. Just because I’ve been feeling sick and tired doesn’t mean I’m pregnant. I’ve been stressed about Jason and that could have caused me to miss my last period. But pregnant? No.
Sage returns with a pink box. “Here. It’ll only take five minutes.”
“You want me to do this tonight?”
“Yes.”
I sigh as I push up from the plush couch. Although I’m drained, I’ll get no sleep if I don’t put this issue to bed tonight. “Hand me the box.”
Reluctantly, and a little belligerent, I take the kit to the bathroom and squat over the toilet to pee on the stick.
After washing my hands, I return to the couch where Sage has two steaming mugs of tea ready for us.
“Thanks,” I say.
“This will help soothe your nausea and it won’t harm the baby.”
“Sage!”
She shrugs again. “Just in case.”
I check the timer. Three more minutes to go. “I should put Charlie to bed.”
Sage waves me off. “Don’t avoid this. Charlie is happy playing video games and besides, it’s Saturday night. Let him stay up a little.”
I exhale deeply and close my eyes. My chest feels tight, and my breathing becomes shallow. Sage’s nervous energy is getting to me, and I jump when the timer goes off.
“What does it say?” she asks, leaning over to look at the stick.
“Are there supposed to be lines or something?” I ask as I reach for it on the side table.
“No, this one says ‘Pregnant’ or ‘Not Pregnant’. I can’t handle the pressure of remembering what the lines mean. So, what does it say?”
I pick up the stick and read it.
I blink several times, thinking I’m overtired and missing a word. “This can’t be right.” I hold it underneath the lamp next to the couch.
I slowly turn around to face Sage. Her eyes are wide, and she grabs my hand that still grips the stick. “What does it say?”
“It says ‘Pregnant’,” I whisper, staring at the word.
Sage wraps her arms around my neck and pulls me in for a hug. I bury my nose inside her hair, but I feel nothing. I’m numb, and can’t formulate a sentence or even a thought. It feels as though the blood in my veins is ice cold and I shiver.
Sage rubs my back, soothing me. “It’s going to be okay, Charlotte. I promise.”
“I—I’m—”
I can’t say the word again. It seems unfathomable. It’s impossible.
“I don’t understand how this happened,” I murmur, mainly to myself.
“Well, usually when you’re relaxed, and not thinking about it…”
I shake my head. “I don’t want to hear it.”
I blink several times. Maybe this is a dream.
Wake up, Charlotte.
Wake up, damn it!
Sage puts her hands on my cheeks, and while she’s staring at me, I don’t see her. I only see a hospital bed and a white sterile delivery room.
“You’ve gone very pale, Char. Breathe.”
“I can’t do this. This can’t be happening. ”
I get up from the couch, tea forgotten, and walk toward Charlie’s room.
“Where are you going?”
“To put Charlie to bed, and then me. And when I wake up tomorrow, this will all have been a bad dream. Good night, Sage.”
“Good night, honey,” Sage whispers.
*
I toss and turn the entire night, imaging my belly growing rounder, and hearing a baby cry in the next room. The sound startles me each time my eyes close until finally sunlight streams through my window and I hear Charlie in the bathroom between our rooms.
I should get up and make him breakfast, but my muscles ache and my bones feel as though they’re made of lead.
I must have closed my eyes because I hear the television and bacon frying in the kitchen. The smell reaches my bedroom, and instead of beckoning me, it makes me retch. I cover my mouth and rush to the toilet. I dry heave once, twice, until the feeling passes.
When I look up from the bathroom floor, Sage is standing in the doorway. “I brought reinforcements.”
Jane pops her head in behind Sage. “Hey, Char.”
“Hey. ”
“I made dry biscuits. Thought you’d like some.”
When I was pregnant with Charlie, the only thing I could stomach was Jane’s recipe. Immediately, I drop my head into my arms and cry.
Oh God, this can’t be happening. I can’t be pregnant .
“Oh, honey.” Jane and Sage come into the washroom and pick me up off the ground. “We’re here for you. We’ll help you through this.”
Their words don’t comfort me, as I refuse to believe I’m carrying a baby inside of me.
I wipe my tears and stand up straight. “I’m fine,” I sniff. “It’s going to be fine.”
“That’s it,” says Jane. “I promise we’ll get through this together.”
“That won’t be necessary, Jane,” I say.
Jane and Sage look at each other.
“Even if I’m pregnant again, there’s no way my body can carry the child to term.”
Sage’s brow furrows while Jane crosses her arms. “That may not be the case.”
“It is.”
I wash my face and stare at my friends in the mirror. “I give it two more weeks. I’m sure I’ll get my period by then.”
Sage looks at Jane, but Jane is still staring at me. I turn away from her and pull back the curtain. “If you’ll excuse me, I’ve got to shower. ”
“All right,” says Jane. “Take your time.”
They close the door, and I step into the bathtub and turn on the shower. Angling my face to the shower head, I let the water pellet my nose and mouth until it feels like I’m drowning.
I don’t move. I don’t lather myself or wash my hair. Instead, I stand underneath the water until it turns cold and my fingers shrivel up. Then, I wrap myself in a towel and pretend as though I’d never taken that test.
*
Three weeks later…
“Mom! Can I go to the park with my friends?” Charlie asks when we reach my car in the school parking lot.
I throw my bag in the backseat and jump when I turn around and find Jason standing behind me.
He smiles with his hands in his pocket. “Hey, Charlie, Charlotte.”
I can’t believe he’s still here, although I’ve gotten used to him just showing up after school. I expected him to leave weeks ago. He told me his new position allows him to work from home and he’s in no rush to get back to the city. Ironic, since he was in a big rush eleven years ago.
“Hi Jason.” Turning to Charlie, I add, “I can’t take you to the park. I have a doctor’s appointment that I’m already going to be late for. Get in.”
“I can take him,” Jason says.
I stare at him, annoyed that he’s fueling this conversation. I wish he would just leave already. But his offer to help sounds appealing. I wouldn’t lose time bringing Charlie to my parent’s house.
“Please, Mom!”
“Fine. But please bring him home by five. He’s got homework tonight.”
“I will.”
However, Jason doesn’t follow Charlie and his friends toward the park across the street. Instead, he puts his hand on the roof of my car and leans down. “Anything I should be worried about at the doctor’s office?” he teases.
“You stopped worrying about me a long time ago, and you don’t need to start now. I’m fine.”
“I was just trying to make you laugh. You don’t do that anymore.”
“Yeah, well, I’m not the same woman you once knew. I’ve changed.”
“Maybe. But there’s still a lot of the old Charlotte in there. ”
I don’t have the energy to argue with him. Besides, I don’t even remember who the old Charlotte was. I was barely an adult when I became a mom.
He waves as I drive out of the parking lot and take the main road into town.
The heart of Cedar Brook Falls is composed of seven streets that lead to a park and a fountain in the middle of the square. The streets shoot out like bicycle spokes from this center point.
Dr. Gibbons’s practice is in one of the oldest buildings in the downtown area, next to the original bank. It might sound strange to outsiders, but we locals call this area downtown. The town’s population grew once the Cedar Brook Mill opened, and the town became one of the largest electricity producers in the state. The Mill became the lifeblood of the town, but the little downtown area would always be the town’s heart.
“Hey Judy,” I say when I walk through the front door. “How are you?”
“Good, Charlotte.” She picks up the phone at her desk. “Dr. Gibbons is ready to see you now. Take a seat in room 2.”
“Thanks.”
I walk through the corridor and choose the chair instead of the bed while I wait for the doctor. This won’t take long after all .
In fact, only a few minutes pass before Dr. Gibbons opens the door.
“Hi Charlotte,” she says. She’s wearing a white lab coat as she always does, and her red hair is pulled into a neat bun. “Great to see you.”
Dr. Gibbons delivered Charlie, and knew me well before that, too. She has two children of her own that I’ve taught.
“Good to see you, too.”
She sits in front of her computer and clicks on the mouse, awakening her screen. “Let’s see here. I saw the results earlier, but I’ll pull them up in case you have questions.”
“I’m sure this is pretty straightforward.”
“It sure is.” She smiles and turns to me. “Congratulations, Charlotte. Charlie’s going to be a big brother.”
I shake my head and my hands tremble in my lap. “Dr. Gibbons, that can’t be right. I don’t understand. You told me I couldn’t have any more children. You said—”
“I said it would be very difficult for you to conceive, and that you would most likely need fertility treatments if you wanted to have another baby. But you didn’t need any assistance. ”
I stare at her, at the smiling creases around her eyes and lips. And I can’t seem to muster the same excitement.
All I can think is, how will I tell my parents that I got knocked up again? And this time, I don’t even know the father’s last name.
I cringe. But it’s the truth, and it’s the first thing that came to mind. They were disappointed the first time, but immediately loved Charlie as soon as he was born. I know they’ll do the same with this child. It’s just, I don’t know, it’s not what any of us planned for our future.
And Charlie… What will I tell him? He’s old enough to understand where babies come from. I know Jane teaches it in her health class. What will he think of me knowing I’m pregnant and unmarried? Hell, I don’t even have a boyfriend.
I drop my head in my hands. The whole town is going to wonder and gossip about who the father is.
“Charlotte, are you okay?”
“No. I’m not okay. Do you have anything you can prescribe for humiliation?”