Chapter 12
Dane
The flight is so short, the seatbelt light barely goes on before it blinks off again. Out the window, the lights of Edinburgh spread out below us.
“Sure you’re happy with this?” I say.
Alex smiles at me. “It’s perfect. I’ve never been here before.”
“Neither have I. We can explore together.”
I was worried he’d think this trip is too small.
I couldn’t afford to take him anywhere farther away, and anyway our families would kill us if we’re not back in time for Christmas.
But he seems really pleased. He’s been smiling to himself the whole flight, the sunny look at odds with his black eyeliner and nail polish.
He’s not as difficult to impress as I used to think.
After collecting our bags from the carousel, we get in a taxi and head for the city center.
Our hotel isn’t the most expensive ever, and even so I had to plunder my savings to afford it on top of the flights.
Alex looks around the room with wide eyes.
“This is perfect,” he says.
Really? It’s nothing fancy at all. The bed is a normal size, not those super-kings you see in films, and the décor is a wee bit faded and dated.
The ensuite bathroom is more of a cupboard than anything.
Even so, he seems so happy to be here with me.
His impressed expression makes me feel shy.
He’s treating me like one of those knights who whisk people off their feet.
But I’m at the very edge of my confidence here.
I’m not sure what to do next. How fast he wants to go.
If he just wants to be friends and talk, that’s fine with me.
I’m just happy to have him here and to have a room just for the two of us to work things out without feeling like our small town is breathing down our necks. A place to just be Alex and Dane.
I cross to the window, purposely not looking at the neatly made bed.
Alex comes over and stands beside me, slipping an arm around my waist but in a friendly way, without pressure.
We look out at the quaint street which runs up a steep incline.
Several of the store windows have holiday lights or fake snow, which makes the whole scene look like a Christmas card.
“Do you want to go for a walk?” Alex says.
We head outside. Alex looks adorable in his oversized winter coat with a black beanie pulled down over his forehead and his black hair hanging over his eyes.
His eyes are shining as he looks around the unfamiliar streets.
I’m so glad I took the plunge and decided to go through with this.
I was afraid that another big gesture after the pub song would be too much.
Afraid he’d think I’m trying to win him instead of just be with him.
But he seems on board so far. Maybe he wants to be won. Nice thought.
We may have underestimated the weather, though.
It’s fucking freezing out here, much colder than at home, especially after the heat of the plane and airport.
We walk quickly to stay warm. The historic feel of the city wraps around me.
I haven’t traveled much, unlike Alex probably, but this place feels magical to me.
Judging by the look on his face, it is to him as well.
The quaint cobblestoned streets and Georgian buildings are like something from a period drama.
Alex navigates with the help of his phone: my sense of direction is a liability.
I just look around and take it all in as he leads us on a route full of twists and turns.
It’s the perfect getaway from the real world.
Cozy pub windows throw soft light onto the dark streets, and everywhere I look there’s another mysterious-looking alleyway.
I almost expect to see Burke and Hare emerge from a dark entrance.
“This way,” Alex says, checking his phone.
I glance at the street sign and snicker. “Cockburn street?”
“I think it’s pronounced Coh-burn,” Alex says. His mouth is stern but his eyes are twinkling.
“You don’t want me thinking about cocks?” I drop my gaze all the way down his body.
He glances around. There are quite a few people around now.
“Not here,” he whispers.
There’s a hint of a promise in his voice. I shiver, not from the cold.
Cockburn—or sorry, Coh-burn—street sweeps downhill in a lazy loop, its little turreted windows silhouetted against the dark sky like artists’ garrets.
There’s a Christmas Market in Princes Street Gardens.
It’s absolutely packed with people milling around the stalls.
Bright illuminations attack my eyeballs and the scent of mulled wine and hot chocolate wafts on the air.
The subtle, seductive atmosphere of the city is suddenly crashed by a kitschy holiday vibe.
I blink, a bit overwhelmed by the crowds.
There’s even some kind of light show going on up at the castle.
Alex grabs my arm and points, staring with awe.
Lights flicker and play over the ancient stone as we watch.
“I’m so glad you brought me here,” Alex says, staring. I can’t help smiling. He’s such a little kid sometimes.
“Me too.”
To be honest, I’m more interested in watching his face than the light show.
We go up in the Ferris wheel, where we get an ever better view of the city spread out below us.
This is surreal. I’m on a date with Alex.
There’s nothing else I can call it as he snuggles close in the tiny space and I put an arm around him.
And it’s not awkward. It just feels right.
When we’re back on solid ground I buy us both hot chocolates, then buy a Santa hat from one of the stalls.
I want to see if Alex looks as cute in it as he did in those elf hot pants.
I take off his beanie, ready to put the Santa hat on his head instead.
He trembles under my touch, his eyes fixed on me the whole time.
He looks like he can’t believe I’m doing this in public.
Neither can I. No one is even looking at us, to be fair.
I feel anonymous in this huge, bustling crowd.
But I don’t think I could stop touching him even if someone we know came along.
Electricity buzzes through my arm as I smooth his hair.
I fucking love how he looks up at me like that.
Does he have any idea of what it does to me?
“I can’t believe I used to think you’re so cool and edgy,” I say. I place the hat on his head, then lean close and whisper directly in his ear. “Now you’re my good puppy.”
“What did you just call me?” But he’s not pulling away and he’s still looking at me with those big eyes.
“You like being my good puppy,” I tease.
“Shut up.”
I can’t resist any longer. I push him into the back of a stall, gripping his shoulders, and kiss him hard.
He dives in, meeting my energy, tasting like chocolate.
I lose the rest of the world for a few moments as Alex’s tongue invades my mouth and he takes over my senses.
Another perfect kiss. Our second since we stopped hating each other…
and yes, I’m counting. We pull apart for breath.
A straight couple in their twenties are looking at us.
Not hostile, just curious. I think. I hope.
My heart beats a little faster but I take Alex’s hand in a confident grip.
I lead him past them and back into the crowds of the market.
“You just did that in public,” Alex says, looking half disbelieving and half amused.
I shrug. “It’s 2025. Why not?”
He doesn’t point out the irony of me telling him that.
“Want a proper drink?” I say. “Apparently they have an ice bar on George Street. They keep it at minus eight Celsius. Even the glasses are made of ice. I’ll buy you a round. ”
Alex shivers. “That sounds even colder than being out here,” he says. “And you can’t pay for everything.”
“Why not? You deserve the princess treatment.”
“Why am I the princess?”
“Because you’re so much prettier.”
“You underestimate yourself. Anyway, we’re going to have to talk about this later. I need to pay for my half of the trip.”
“Afraid of being my sugar baby?” I say.
“Something like that.”
He laughs at the phrase, but he sounds serious. Tough shit. I have no intention of letting him pay for half the flights and hotel room. This is my treat. I sprang it on him as a surprise. It wouldn’t be fair to expect him to pay anything.
“Tell you what, we can wrestle for it when we get back to the room,” I suggest. “If you win, you can pay half.”
He pouts at me. I think that’s the first time he’s ever done that. It makes my belly flip.
“We both know how that’s gonna go,” he protests.
I give him a hint of my old arrogance from when we were tennis enemies; I know how mad it makes him. “Maybe I’ll take pity on you and let you win.”
“Stop being an asshole or I’ll tell everybody your secret,” he says.
I freeze as fear grabs my chest. My playful mood vanishes into the night air. He couldn’t. He wouldn’t. Would he?
His smile falters. “What’s wrong?” he says. “What are you thinking about?”
“What-what are you thinking about?” My voice is weak. “Outing me?”
He looks horrified. “No! Of course not. I was joking about telling everyone your real name.”
“My real name…” I repeat numbly.
“Dean?” He raises his eyebrows.
“How do you even know about that?” I ask.
“I overheard Olivia call you that once at school. She was taking the piss out of you.”
“Oh. Oh. Okay. That makes sense.”
He’s known about my name all this time? And he kept my secret even after I sold him out under the mistletoe.
Just like he kept my even bigger secret.
Now I feel stupid, with my heart pounding in my chest from fright.
It’s only starting to slow down now. Alex must’ve seen the racing panic in my eyes, not to mention the pleading for mercy expression.
He takes my face in his hands, his gloves warming my frozen cheeks.
“Dane, I’d never, ever out you before you’re ready,” he says fiercely. “You should know that.”
He sounds reproachful and a little hurt. I grab his hands and hold them tight like an anchor.
“I know, I know. I just panicked. I’m sorry.”
“It’s okay,” he says.
We take a moment to collect ourselves, walking through the Christmas lights side by side. After a while I glance down at him. He looks deep in thought, hands stuffed in his pockets, the Santa hat looking oddly lighthearted compared to his attitude.
“I shouldn’t have expected you to kiss me at school,” he mutters. “I shouldn’t have assumed you would want to.”
“I did want to.”
“You know what I mean. I shouldn’t have tried in public.”
“You didn’t do anything wrong,” I say.
Anger builds somewhere deep within me. Why should he have to think like that? Worry if it would piss people off or worse? Half the people who kissed there were school bullies, but everyone cheered and wolf-whistled for them anyway because it was expected. Even if they hated them.
Why couldn’t Alex and I have had that reaction?
“When we get home I’m going to tell my family about you,” I say. “About us.”
He glances up at me, his gaze tentative. “There’s an us?” he says.
“If you want there to be.”
His smile tells me all I need to know. Happiness warms me right through. Even the freezing Edinburgh night is no match for that feeling.
“How do you think your dad will react?” Alex says.
“Don’t care.”
It’s not quite the truth, but close enough. I want Alex more than I want Dad’s approval.
“We don’t have to rush,” Alex says.
“I’ve made you wait long enough. And I’ve hurt you enough.”
“You weren’t intentionally trying to hurt me. I know that.”
“I still wish I hadn’t.”
He nods, looking up at me, and he looks so beautiful with his cheeks flushed from the cold and his eyes all big and wondering as he processes everything.
I have to give him another kiss right here in the middle of the crowded market.
The world doesn’t stop. No one says anything or bumps into us intentionally.
Granted it’s the middle of a major city, and so busy most people don’t even notice us.
Doesn’t mean it would be this easy everywhere. Like, for example, at home.
Even so, it loosens something inside me. I think I might be ready.