THE UNICORN.3
They may have meant it at the time, but it was never enough in the end.
I left the room and sat in my sanctuary, where words saved me time and time again.
He called out to me. But each attempt to remedy things just made me feel worse.
It felt as though every single ex who lay dead and buried rose from the dead, haunting me with their memories.
I knew love had hurt me, but I didn’t realize how much so until now. I had an amazing man putting in the time and the effort, and here I was, crying over something that didn’t exist.
The harder I tried to see reason, the harder it got to breathe.
Feelings of rejection and self-worth threatened to strangle me because this would end the way it always had.
Why was he different?
I was the chaos.
He was the calm.
But he would never tame my storm…no one ever would.
He would often mention that after some months, he would be leaving the state, even the country.
It was Switzerland all over again.
Was I just someone to fill in the time until he left?
He came into my office to see if I was okay. I could see it all over his beautiful face that he was upset.
Never angry, however.
He never got mad.
He asked if I wanted him to leave.
I didn’t know what I wanted other than to stop feeling this way.
Eventually, I went back to bed, where he lay awake.
This was the first time the silence between us spoke volumes.
He asked me to talk to him.
But I didn’t know what to say.
He had told me who this woman was.
And I hated that he had done what he had.
Was it terrible?
Yes and no.
Could I move on from this hiccup early on?
I honestly didn’t know.
We lay face to face, The Unicorn watching me closely, just how he always did.
He asked me to kiss him.
I gave him a quick kiss on those lush lips.
He said, “More.”
I did.
“More.”
Again, more was had.
“More.”
One final time.
He sighed, clearly saddened he had caused me pain.
He then said something that made me want to cry new tears. “Come lay on my chest.”
There is something so comforting about that.
Heart to heart.
Skin to skin.
But I couldn’t.
I needed to slam the brakes on this because I said the one thing to The Unicorn that summed up how I was feeling.
“You’re going to break my heart.”
But I guess, in some ways, he already had.
I didn’t sleep much.
So when the morning light broke through the curtains, I arose, and autopilot kicked in. I got ready for the day while The Unicorn slept.
I left him in bed when I went to work.
He asked for a kiss.
He knew things were amiss.
I tried hard to be understanding. But another woman being involved so early on just had me wanting to forget we had ever met.
He texted me throughout the day.
His messages were heartfelt.
They were honest and raw.
He apologized and could see why I was upset. He wanted to make things work.
Message after message was sent, each one expressing himself in ways no man has ever done for me before.
I wish I could share them with you, dear reader, but they are something personal between The Unicorn and me.
But believe me when I say, those messages changed everything.
He called many times.
He wouldn’t roll over and let this die.
He chased me because perhaps he knew I ran when scared.
When I replied, I wrote down my feelings, which I could not express verbally.
Most men would have run the other way because I didn’t hold back. Although he had owned up, it didn’t make things all right.
I needed him to know that I wasn’t one to suppress my emotions. And if he wasn’t okay with that, then we would never work. I also didn’t appreciate a comment he made about our age differences. So I decided to also touch on that because why the hell not?
I didn’t expect him to reply.
I figured he’d run away like all the others had when I was being “difficult.”
But he didn’t.
“Can I call you please?”
This was a man fighting for me, not fighting with me.
I was torn.
But in the end, my heart won.
He called, and we spoke for a long time.
I could hear the sincerity in his voice.
We have to make mistakes to learn from them, and The Unicorn learned that I am stubborn and to never mistake my kindness for weakness.
And I learned that The Unicorn fights for what he wants, and it was apparent…that he wanted me.
It wasn’t our first fight, per se. But it was a moment that revealed a different side to The Unicorn.
Ironically, the other woman brought The Unicorn and me closer together as we had “the talk.”
He was mine.
I was his.
And we would work everything else out along the way.
It was hard to remember that we had only been seeing one another for such a short amount of time because we just fit.
But we needed to slow it down.
It seemed like the sensible thing to do.
But that idea lasted for about a minute.
I was so drawn to him because he was authentic. But being with him showed me just how broken by love I truly was because I was constantly waiting for the dreaded “but.”
I was putting my faith and trust in yet another man, and we all know how that ended.
I wanted to believe him, but when something is a little too good to be true, it usually is.
But my friends, once again, swooped in and were my voice of reason when mine was on a sabbatical. They said no man puts the time and effort in as The Unicorn had if they didn’t like you.
The Unicorn himself had said the same thing.
Let this be a lesson for us all—if a man wants a woman, he is never too busy. He makes the time to see her, regardless of what he’s doing, and The Unicorn had proven that to me time and time by working the long days and hours he did, only to drive those extra miles to spend time with me.
If a man wants a woman, he makes the effort—period.
And The Unicorn was the only man who put the effort in and continued to do so. Yes, a man will chase at the beginning, but when they get what they want, most will retreat because the chase is over.
Men like the chase. When we make it too easy for them, the challenge is no longer there, and they move on to the next best thing that catches their attention; a little like dogs chasing a new chew toy.
I wondered why this wasn’t the case with The Unicorn.
That’s when M?tley said something that stuck. She said you are the next best thing. I can see that. And so can he.
I was so damaged by past loves that I no longer remembered that love can be simple too.
Yes, it’s fucking painful and, most times, leaves you questioning everything. But sometimes, love can be kind. The type of love that makes us fight for our HEAs.
And I was soon realizing that I would fight for The Unicorn because he had done so for me.
We knew we had amazing sexual chemistry.
And that we vibed when together.
But the test was when we were apart.
And that was soon to be put into play because it was time for reality to kick in.
Often, those refer to the new beginnings of a relationship as the honeymoon period, where their new beau can do no wrong and the ick is nonexistent.
But with The Unicorn, it never felt like that because it always felt like we had known one another for longer than we had.
However, I was interested to see how our separation would pan out.
I honestly was waiting for the other shoe to drop the entire time. There was no way I had found a man who was funny and kind, incredibly thoughtful, so goddamn hot, and could fuck me into a coma.
This sort of man does not exist in real life.
The Unicorn was book boyfriend material, which is why I was constantly waiting for something to go wrong.
Not the most optimistic way to view things, but was it realistic—yes.
The time we shared together was nothing short of amazing, so when he kissed me goodbye, I wondered if this was a memory in the making. If it was, I would be okay with the fact because The Unicorn was the first man in a very long time to treat me with respect and care.
I spoke to my friends who could relate to it. It saddened me that we were all traumatized by love in one way or another.
I went about my day, not expecting much, so when The Unicorn texted me, asking how my day was, I wondered if this was a trick question.
I replied, waiting for the “it’s been fun…but…”
But it never came.
We spoke just as we did when together.
He called every single day, and I can say that until this day, not a day has passed when he hasn’t called. We have spoken every day since we met.
The Unicorn was slowly penetrating the walls I had erected around my heart, and I knew my original thought that he would break it was soon becoming true.
He was the type of man I wrote about—complete alpha. Stubborn but kind. Incredibly loyal, but wasn’t afraid to tell it how it was. A wounded MC who still liked to pull his girl close after he fucked her until she forgot her own name.
He was the epitome of every bad boy I penned, but he wasn’t fiction.
He was real.
And I wanted him.
His work schedule was crazy busy, but he made it work as best he could, again coming to see me at the expense of sleep and doing the things he needed to do.
He called one early morning after his shift, stating he was coming over.
He never asked.
He did what he wanted.
And I loved that about him.
He was as headstrong as me.
He was determined.
And he was so fucking bossy.
Be still my heart…
But I told him I had a million and one things to do.
The disappointment in his voice touched me. It had been a few days since we had seen one another. Could it be he missed me?
Because I sure as shit missed him.
And this, boys and girls, is the “oh fuck me” moment.
We didn’t see one another for a week, and history has proven that in dating time, that could equate to someone getting married and divorced in that short time span.
A lot can happen.
And what happened between The Unicorn and I was that he called me on the drive to work every day. He never missed a day. We spoke about everything. He became my voice of reason when I was ready to throat punch someone. And I loved listening to him. He could read his shopping list to me, and I would happily listen.
I knew I was falling for him, and I was powerless to stop it.
He just fit into my world, and I guess I did the same for him.
How did this happen?
I wasn’t lucky in love.
This sort of stuff doesn’t happen in real life. It especially doesn’t happen to me.
But the Unicorn was ready to chase each time I wanted to run.
The morning he came over after not seeing one another for a week is my favorite memory to this day. I was asleep as he had worked all through the night and drove over an hour to my house after he had finished his shift.
He came in quietly, crawled into bed with me, and hugged me into his chest. He kissed my neck as he hugged me so tight, and the gesture touched me in so many ways.
I told him I missed him.
And he said he missed me.
I don’t know what it is about a hug.
Perhaps the feeling of being safe in your lover’s arms.
Or maybe it was because The Unicorn wasn’t overly affectionate, something I had to adjust to because I am the complete opposite, and when my partner doesn’t replicate the touchy feels, I wonder if maybe they’ve checked out.
When speaking to Sparkles and M?tley about this, I realized I am like this because past relationships were based heavily on the physical. I am accustomed to being validated through smutty comments or via sex, but it wasn’t that way with The Unicorn.
However, it still played on my mind that maybe this was a one-sided deal.
If anyone were to ask what my favorite memory is of him and me, it would be that hug.
We spent more time together, our connection growing, yet I forever second-guessed everything.
I had the most amazing man in front of me, and all I could do was look behind. It was beyond frustrating, but I was damaged, and I didn’t expect anything different this time.
But I really tried.
When I wanted to give up, my friends would reason with me all the beautiful things The Unicorn did to show me that he was all in. They were all crushing on him too because they loved me, and to see a man treat their girl the way he was, they couldn’t help but get a little swoony whenever he was around.
The saying rings true that best friends will be as involved in your relationship as you are because they never asked how I was without asking how he was too.
He was wedging his way into our worlds, and although this all sounds like every girl’s dream, deep down, it soon turns into my nightmare.
There is a line I wrote in LOVE HARD, and looking back now, I wonder if this was a sign from the universe because if only I knew.
I’ve learned that good men are like unicorns. Everyone talks about them, but no one actually sees them.
How I was eating my words because I had found my unicorn. I had managed to somehow stumble across a man who was only ever spoken about but never seen, yet there was something missing.
Plot twist?
Yeah, it seems I like to catch myself unawares also.
I don’t know what it was, but it sometimes felt as though he was present but not. Yes, he made the effort to see me, but when he did, it sometimes felt he was somewhere else.
A friend made a passing comment that maybe I was more into him than he was into me. I pondered on this for a long while. She said try it.
Take note of who is more affectionate.
Pay attention to who holds whose hand first.
Or who initiates the first touch.
And I did.
Can you guess who it was?
Yes, it was me.
For someone who takes pride in seeing the small things that others might not, I had totally dropped the ball.
That sinking feeling returned, and no matter how many times my friends tried to reassure me, I just couldn’t shake this déjà vu away.
The closer I paid attention to it, the more I saw that I was the one who instigated the hand-holding or the hugs, while he was the one who initiated sex.
Touch is my love language, and now that I realize I’m the one who is touching, I want to stop it immediately because I feel like a fool.
Was this a me problem?
He had told me he was guarded.
But so was I.
The more I thought about this, the more it festered. Until I do what I do best…I ran.
Not literally, but I took a step back.
I needed to view whatever this was objectively and dissect it. This is the advice I would give any friend, so it was time I took my own advice because The Unicorn could break me, and I knew if he did, there would be no coming back this time.
I had opened my heart, and now I was wondering if maybe I should have been a little wiser with my choices. Not with The Unicorn, but rather, slamming on the brakes and edging into this new adventure with caution.
Deep down, I knew these were my insecurities pulling me into every direction and my heart going into self-preservation mode. I wish I could stop it, that I could slap my own ass. But it felt as though I had forgotten how to be treated how every woman deserves.
The happiness was forever being overshadowed by doubt, and I was watching myself destroy something that was nothing but beautiful.
Trust the overthinker when they tell you that they like you, for they have thought of every reason not to.
This would be the time that any other man would run, but The Unicorn never did.
If I went quiet, lost in my head, he would always be there, asking what I was thinking. He never gave up. He pressed until I told him, and for someone who is an avoidant, it was hard not to do what comes intrinsically and that was destroy everything and leave chaos in your wake.
But The Unicorn stayed.
Not once did he want a break.
Not once did he go back on his word.
I was the one who kept looking for something that wasn’t there.
I cried to M?tley many times, frustrated at myself. I wanted to stop being such an idiot and accept this for what it was. The Unicorn and I were more together than we were apart and when we were apart, we were still talking.
So what was the issue here?
Me…
Simple.
I was scared.