THE UNICORN.4
As much as I hate to admit it, I was fucking petrified. Petrified of fucking this up.
My exes had always made me feel as though I was to blame for whatever went wrong, and it seemed as though this rationale tarnished this new relationship by my hand.
Angel, Sparkles, and M?tley were always in my corner and would support me no matter what, but this was one thing they all wouldn’t budge from. The Unicorn wasn’t like the other guys I dated. Hell, he wasn’t like most guys if we were to be fair. He was an anomaly. He was someone I was forever attempting to decode, but in the end, I saw him for who he was.
He was mine, and he wasn’t going anywhere.
I was the one who tried to sabotage us, but he was the one who promised me time and time again that it would be okay.
And he was right…
But please don’t tell him that.
The Unicorn’s birthday was soon approaching, and true to his star sign, he was the typical Cancer.
Although he didn’t believe in astrology, he still humored me.
When he said, “It’s 11:11,”
something which I say daily, I wanted to kiss his face and never stop.
He did things that showed me he listened.
On the other hand, I don’t listen, which is why I wanted to throw him a birthday party, which I knew may not go down well.
The Unicorn made clear early on that he didn’t like gifts. He didn’t like people making a fuss. I didn’t want to force him into doing anything he wasn’t comfortable with, but it was his birthday, and I wanted it to be special because it was the first one we were to share.
And he was special to me.
I told him about my plans, certain he would politely decline. But he didn’t. He said he would love it.
I went on to plan a small gathering. It gave my friends a chance to meet the man I was spending my time with.
I didn’t want to overwhelm him, but I wanted to buy him something special, something he could look back on and always remember this day.
It goes without saying, unicorn gifts were bought, as was a watch that I wanted to see on that inked wrist. But as mentioned earlier, The Unicorn likes to drift over to my side of the bed, so to prevent any confusion on whose side was whose, I got our names embroidered on pillows and placed them on our sides.
The stage was set, and when The Unicorn arrived and saw his party in full swing, I worried I had done too much. I didn’t want him to be uncomfortable, but putting myself in his shoes, I understood why he may feel a little uneasy.
He mingled, but he seemed ill at ease.
Was it too much?
Cake was eaten, and again, I didn’t know if The Unicorn wanted this night to end already. He wasn’t ungrateful, but he just seemed uneasy the entire time. Our guests left as I had planned a night out. However, I was wondering if perhaps we should just stay home instead.
I was getting ready in my room when The Unicorn entered. It was the first time we were alone all night.
He looked at me, and again, the Rubik’s Cube presented itself.
I thought I had done something wrong.
I then remembered the pillows.
I asked The Unicorn to turn them over, and when he saw them, I knew I hadn’t. I realized that perhaps this was just a lot for a man who had never really experienced a birthday like this before.
He hugged me tight and thanked me for everything I had done. Although he said it was too much, he appreciated it immensely.
There was so much emotion in that embrace.
We went in separate cars to the club, and he texted me, thanking me once again for the gifts. He also asked if I wanted him to wait outside for me.
This man was the perfect gentleman.
I walked up the stairs and saw him standing at the top. He didn’t see me at first, so I took this moment to observe the man stealing my heart.
But how can something be stolen when you want it to be had?
He looked beyond hot in ripped black jeans and a white shirt. The watch filled me with a sense of joy, and I could see he wore it with pride. He was tall, big, and the hottest guy in the club, and he was all mine.
Goes without saying he was greeted with a kiss.
Although The Unicorn and I had our first date in a club, this was different. Then, we were strangers, but now, we were something else entirely.
I wondered what type of partner The Unicorn was when it came to going out with friends.
Was he happy to kiss at the start of the night only to find one another at the end of the night? Did he want to do his thing with the boys?
I didn’t know.
This was new territory for me.
So I let him lead.
Wherever I was…he found me.
When he didn’t, he made sure that he did.
He always watched to see where I was.
When our gazes locked, he would smile and “reel me in,”
as he danced to the god-awful music.
He was never far away, but he gave me space.
I liked that he was always close by.
He held my hand.
He hugged me.
He kissed me.
His eyes were always searching for me.
There never was a doubt of who belonged to whom.
And in case I ever forgot, he bent down and assertively stated, “You’re mine and no one else’s.”
He only had eyes for me.
Never once did I feel crowded.
I felt safe. Assured. Something I hadn’t felt in a very long time with a man.
He was my protector, and I was falling so irrevocably hard for him.
I had crossed the point of no return.
The chemistry was rampant and pressed up against a wall, it was for all to see when a passerby stopped and commented how hot we looked together and that we should hook up. The Unicorn’s quick wit came into play when he replied, “We’re married.”
We were apart for a little while before I’d receive a message asking where I was. And to come find him. Or he’d come find me.
If things got heated as they do when drunk, he would level me with those eyes and ask I didn’t leave. Cinderella was about to lose her glass slipper, but I stayed because I couldn’t say no to him. But I was ready to leave soon.
He said he liked having a woman who put him in his place because I did that often.
All was going well with the night, surprisingly without a hitch.
Now, dear reader, were you paying attention to what I said earlier about a man wanting a woman and what said man will do to express his wants to his woman?
A friend was in a situationship, and we all know how those end. I was in one, remember?
The Unicorn had tried alongside me to help her see reason, but you can’t force someone to do anything. And my friend just wouldn’t listen. She was certain he would come around, but it had been six months, and there was no light at the end of the tunnel.
The situationship ended up at the same club as us, and The Unicorn decided to talk to him. But that went down like a bag of dicks. The Unicorn was attempting to protect my friend from heartache, but he also saw what it was doing to me because I hated seeing her in pain.
The Unicorn was trying to be the good guy, but in turn, things were about to turn fucking messy, and our HEA was about to be turned on its axis. Once again, I was left questioning what the actual fuck?
The Unicorn’s birthday was fun.
We spent the next day together, hanging out and keeping a low profile. It was nice. I loved lying in bed with him, watching movies and kissing because that kissing would turn to mind-blowing sex followed by cuddles.
I loved laying with my ear pressed to his chest, listening to his heartbeat. It often calmed me. His arms were quickly becoming my favorite place to sleep as there was one thing I noticed.
He was becoming more and more affectionate.
He would touch my face.
Over my legs.
He would ask me to cuddle him in bed after he cuddled me for hours.
Could it be those impenetrable walls were slowly coming down?
His touches were becoming more frequent and almost second nature in a sense. My theory of him not instigating contact was now obsolete.
As I paid closer attention to the way we interacted, I realized that The Unicorn was affectionate all along—in his own way, and as we spent more time together, the touches, the hand-holding, all the stuff that I was questioning came naturally.
And that’s how any relationship should be. Nurture it, and it will grow.
The more time spent with him, the more I liked. He was unlike any man I had ever met.
I trusted him, which was something I hadn’t done in a very long time.
For the first time in my life, things in my love life were calm.
And of course, that’s when I lowered my guard and got sucker punched straight in the heart.
Why is it when you’re happy, the unhappy come out in droves and decide to shit on your happiness? I guess the saying rings true—misery loves company.
The situationship I spoke of, he mentioned to my friend that he saw The Unicorn in a compromising position with another girl and that he was worried for me as The Unicorn was perhaps a fuckboy beneath his magical skin.
I was quiet for a very long time, unsure how to process this nugget of information because what in the ever-living fuck?
When did this supposedly happen?
The Unicorn was with me for the majority of the night, and when he wasn’t, he was texting to see where I was.
But trigger after trigger came out of hiding, and I couldn’t help but feel like they were just lying dormant, waiting to smack me in the face with “I told you so.”
I didn’t know how to feel. I didn’t want to believe this as true, but was I being naive? Was The Unicorn just like everyone else?
I sent him a message saying we needed to talk.
Goes without saying, a restless night’s sleep was had.
He called me early the following morning on his way to work. I could hear the concern in his tone. I relayed what I was told, and then the floor was his.
He denied this ever happened, but I asked why would the situationship lie? In hindsight, this was a stupid question, considering he was stringing my friend along for months, but was this the “but”
I was looking for?
The Unicorn’s character was being attacked, and he could have walked away at any moment, but he didn’t.
He never did.
He brought up some very valid points, but in the end, it all came down to trust.
This was the moment of truth.
Did I trust The Unicorn?
He had a solid explanation, but anyone can concoct a story to cover their guilty ass. It was the way The Unicorn handled the situation that made my mind up.
He didn’t yell.
He didn’t beg.
He simply told it how it was, and if I didn’t believe him, then it was on me. He asked me to look back on the evening and make my own mind up.
Who was I to believe?
The situationship who had been nothing but a lying asshole?
Or the man who continued to prove himself time and time again? The man who always held my hand when I wanted to run. The man who wasn’t afraid to say sorry when he fucked up. Or stick to his beliefs and never back down.
There was never a decision to make because I realized I would always choose The Unicorn. He will always be my first and last choice because I was his.
Again, irony, as a situation that could have ended our relationship only seemed to strengthen this connection, which continued to grow.
We have faced other challenges after this. I need to show the good and the bad because it wasn’t all hearts and roses.
I wish I knew why we, at times, seem to drift apart. Teething issues in a relationship, perhaps? Things would be going so well, and then something would happen, and I began to question why the fuck I was doing this to myself—again.
He did things that frustrated me, like falling asleep on the couch and not coming to bed. After speaking to many friends about the fact, however, it was apparent this pet hate was shared by many, so I felt a little less crazy when I wanted to kick him in the shin.
But he never annoyed me. It was strange because, in my past relationships, I needed space quite often. Even early on. But it was different with The Unicorn. Perhaps it was because we both saw the importance of communicating with the other.
He often said he was tired of fighting. He fought his entire life. He didn’t want to fight anymore.
It touched me.
Such honesty is rare.
As is growth.
He was wonderful to my nieces and instantly made an effort to be a part of their lives, so much so that them calling him uncle came naturally.
It became clear early on that The Unicorn was a protector. For someone who wasn’t accustomed to such treatment from their partner, my pride initially pushed him away. I didn’t need a man to protect me. I had done just fine protecting myself all these years. Heartache had taught me this.
So when he wanted to shield me from harm, I refused.
I could look after myself.
The Unicorn didn’t push. Maybe one day I’ll need protecting.
If I do, I know who will always be two steps behind me to catch me if I fall.
We fell into a routine quickly. It was innate.
We just fit.
Like when I cuddled him from behind and knew every curve to his muscled chest. His arms would hold me tight. Or the way he would order me to bend over so he could slap my ass. Or often, catch me unawares and slap it when I walked past.
The way he would always find my hand, regardless of the circumstances.
Or the way he would glance at me and I could read him with a single look.
He was becoming my everything, and I was powerless to stop it.
Sex between us had always been intense, but as time grew, so did feelings, and that’s when the best sex is had.
I would wake to him kissing my neck from behind and whispering what he wanted me to do as he worked his hand down the front of my sleep shorts. Or slapping my behind.
With just a touch, he would get me so turned on. But this was a new level of desire.
Sex with the right person can be phenomenal. But sex with the person you love…god damn. You don’t stand a chance, and that’s when I realized that I was in love with The Unicorn.
I still hadn’t told him my feelings. I mean, when is the right time to drop such a life-changing event such as this?
There never really is a “right time.”
So I didn’t force it. I just let it be because I have learned that love should never be forced.
And when you know, you just know.
And I knew when he ordered me to take my favorite seat (on his face) or when we had the type of sex I like (choking, spitting, biting, and obliterating every single inch of me) and he asked if what he was doing was okay, that my heart belonged to the man who changed me in so many ways.
But I don’t want you to think it was just the sex that allowed me to reach this epiphany.
It was the way he kissed my forehead or shoulder in the morning when we first woke. Or the way, without fail, he called me baby. The way he held my hand when we crossed the road. Or picked me up and hugged me tight when we hadn’t seen one another for a couple of days. The way he would call me amazing before kissing my cheek or the way he spoke to his friends and family about me when I wasn’t there. It would always come back to me, and that’s so important—what someone says about you when you’re not there and what The Unicorn said was filled with nothing but love and admiration.
It was all the small things that equated to this huge picture of I was so fucking screwed.
The dreaded ex was sadly a third wheel at times. The more airtime he gave her, the more it reminded me not to bring up mine because no one likes hearing about their current squeeze’s ex. It forever played in the back of my mind that them rekindling was always in the cards.
She was the mother of his children. She would share a bond I never could.
I accepted this for what it was and just needed to trust him.
Trust…there’s that word again.
For someone who didn’t trust her own shadow, I was coming leaps and bounds.
But it was tough at times, especially when he spoke about her in great detail about something she had done. Unlike my ex, they were still in touch, and when she found out via a mutual friend that he was seeing someone, she had asked so many questions.
I didn’t like it.
Why did she care?
My insecurities resurfaced because an ex who shows interest is an ex who cares.
For example, if my ex was the first man to do something noteworthy (highly unlikely), I would never know because I simply do not care.
But she did.
Why?
I can’t answer that yet, my besties, because that chapter is yet to come…
But ex aside, I found he could be distant and distracted, and we were forever grappling to see one another because our schedules clashed. I would consult with M?tley, ensuring I wasn’t overthinking. She would tell me if I was. When she agreed with me, those were when those feelings of despair would creep in, and I wondered what the point was.
If this was happening so early on, what hope did we have?
I would retreat into my shell. But one night, when things were weird between us, and I didn’t know why and started to cry, I knew I was in way over my head.
I hadn’t cried over a guy in a long time.
I felt those heavy feelings press down on my chest, and I couldn’t breathe.
I didn’t want this.
Not again.
I’d prefer to end it now when I could walk away with minimal damage, than later on when I would be totally destroyed.
I hated those days. Those were the times I wanted to end it. I often wonder why I didn’t. I guess it’s because I wanted to believe that he wasn’t doing it intentionally since he gave me so much when he was present.
Did it balance out the scales, however?
Yes, The Unicorn was special, but now that he was spending almost every night in my bed, had the novelty worn off?
I decided to stop assuming and ask him what was going on, and that’s when something incredible happened. The Unicorn opened up in ways never before, and I realized that, just like me, he also gets in his head and suppresses his pain.
This had nothing to do with me.
Love, remember, had hurt him too, and he was dealing with it as best he could. And in response, he pushed down his own demons to pacify mine because that was the first time he told me he loved me.
Other beautiful things were said, and I knew then that The Unicorn wasn’t going anywhere. He assured me it would be okay and not to worry; he was staying.
And so was I.
We’ve fought.
We’ve kissed and made up.
Arguing with him has me realizing how far I’ve grown when it comes to relationships.
In the past, I would sit on my feelings until they came to a boiling point and I would explode. That’s usually the point of no return.
Neither of us wanted to drag out an argument. Yes, we were both stubborn and stuck to our convictions, but once we both said what we wanted, the discussion was over and we always seemed to grow from something which had the potential to tear us apart.
When I’m sad, he makes me happy.
When I’m scared, he protects me.
And the way he holds me tight in the darkness as we lay side by side has me falling in love with him all over again.
I still don’t know what our future holds, but so far, we prevailed together because if you don’t have communication, trust, and honesty with your partner, then your relationship will eventually fail.
That is one thing I learned firsthand. And I wasn’t going to make that mistake again because The Unicorn, I think, just might be my forever.
And now…I can only hope I’m his.