14 Gemma
I spend most of Saturday visiting apartments and shared houses, but almost all of them are either out of my budget (with all the hidden fees included), a public health concern, or have roommates or neighbors that I’m not too sure about.
By the time I return to my friends’ apartment at the end of the day, I’m exhausted.
Maybe I should keep living with Val and Kiara , I think.
Val had mentioned the other night the real possibility of us all getting a bigger apartment together when their lease ends in the spring, so I could have my own room and Val and Kiara could have theirs. After today, it sounds like the dream, but I also don’t want to push it. My friends—and Burrito—love their current apartment. They’ve been here for the last several years. I don’t want them to change where they live because of me.
That evening, I’m sitting side by side on Clementine with Val, going through emails and drafting some write-ups while she plays Elden Ring . Luckily, I’m good at blocking out background noise as I work, or else I wouldn’t be able to get anything done amid the deafening music, screams, and crashing sounds coming from the TV.
Kiara’s out having dinner with some of her other friends, so it’s just Val and me tonight. Rather than cook for only the two of us, we decided to share a box of pepperoni pizza.
Burrito’s nowhere in sight. After stealing a few pieces of crust, he sped into my friends’ room, probably hiding underneath the bed from all the loud noises.
I’m about to shut my laptop and call it a night, when I get an email from Celeste. Or at least, what I think still counts as an email. There’s no subject, nor a message in the body. The only thing she’s included are the files for the video recordings from Friday.
“What did you do ?” Val asks as she peers at my computer screen.
I look up to see the bloodred words YOU DIED flash across the TV. I’m not sure whether I should be honored or horrified that Val commented on Celeste’s email while her character was getting mauled by a two-headed dragon.
Val exits out to the main menu and gives me a questioning look.
I sigh. “Things have been weird after I woke up at her place,” I say. “She’s being distant, which would be fine, since we have to keep things professional for work, anyway… if it weren’t for the fact that she’s being so distant that working together has become kind of uncomfortable. I tried to make things friendly between us yesterday, but then, there was this weird tension between us. I think we both still like each other?”
Val gasps and sets her controller down on the coffee table. “Wait, isn’t that a good thing, though? Kiara’s sapphic shipping fantasy is coming true.”
I lean back into Clementine’s soft upholstery. “I don’t know if I want to get into all that right now.”
“What, because of work?” Val resumes her game, and after watching her character dodge around and hack at the dragon for several minutes, I’m convinced she’s forgotten about our conversation, when she says, “Don’t you think Kiara is right, even just a little bit? Don’t get me wrong. I’m not superstitious or even a little-stitious. Not the slightest. But you crossed each other’s paths after eight years . When most exes from high school or college don’t ever see each other again.”
Hack, hack, dodge, slash.
I watch the screen as she speaks, mesmerized by the deft way she’s making her character move around and attack the dragon as she continues, “I don’t know about you, but fuck work. If I were you, I’d at least try to see if there’s still something there between us.”
I shake my head. “I can’t ‘fuck work,’ though. This is quite literally the most important project I’ve ever had at Horizon .”
“Fine.” Slash, dodge, roll, slash. “Then get all your work done and then fuck.”
A startled guffaw of laughter escapes from my lips. I love how little a filter Val has. I always have.
“You know, sometimes, dating is like playing a challenging game like Elden Ring ,” she continues, gesturing at the screen with her controller. “Once you get going, you can’t hit pause. It’s full of surprises, and you’ll make a lot of mistakes before you get better.”
Celeste and I are nowhere near the possibility of dating again. But I listen to my friend anyway, since I know she’s trying to help. Plus, it’s absolutely amazing how Val’s managing to skillfully attack the monster on-screen while keeping up our conversation.
Stab, dodge, stab, stab.
“For much of it,” Val continues, “you’ll have no idea what the fuck you’re doing or if what you’re doing is even worth it. But trust me, when things are good, you’ll get the biggest rush of euphoria you can legally get.”
I scoff, finally looking away from the TV. “As if you and Kiara ever struggle that much with each other.”
Still keeping her eyes glued to the screen, Val raises her eyebrows. “Are you kidding me? Of course we do. Why do you think she’s out with her friends right now?”
My eyes widen. “Did you guys fight while I was out today?”
She somehow manages to shake her head while mashing a bunch of buttons.
“No, not today. But we used to a lot more when she first moved into my place. Once we started to officially live together, Kiara and I realized we’re completely different people. She’s an extrovert who loves to hang out with a lot of different people and wants to go out every day, while I’m content to play video games after work and meet my friends virtually. You’re one of my only friends that I regularly go out to meet in real life. And you don’t even count as that anymore, since we live together now.”
I blink. “Wow, really? I’m honored.”
“You should be. Anyway, so at first Kiara and I thought the solution was to take turns doing what the other person liked to do. Some weekends I would go out with her, and others she’d stay in and play video games with me. It worked at first, but then we were both so stubborn about getting each other to try what we ourselves liked to do that, in the end, we became burnt out. And resentful. Eventually, things got so bad that we started to think we weren’t compatible enough and thought about breaking up.”
“Wait, what?” I ask. “When was this? Why didn’t I hear about this happening? Or almost happening?”
My heart twists just hearing about the possibility of my friends breaking up. It’s shocking to hear that Kiara and Val suffered from the same problem that James and I eventually did, after the initial rush of feelings and excitement faded away and we realized we were two different people. Of course, now, though, I know my way of going about things was totally wrong. Because I thought I could keep the peace by letting him completely steamroll me.
I’m more than a little curious as to how my friends got through it.
“Like, a little over five years ago?” Val replies. “Around Christmastime. Granted, we still fight from time to time, but that was our biggest argument, I think.”
Five Christmases ago, I was out of town for a ski trip in Aspen with James’s family, having what was then one of the best Christmases I ever had in my entire life. It was during a time when things were amazing between James and me, when our relationship was still relatively new and fun, and, aside from weekday lunches with my friends at work, I admittedly didn’t talk at length with anyone except him on a day-to-day basis.
That was so extremely unhealthy , I think. And selfish.
I wish I could travel back in time and give Past Me a good shake.
Val must have sensed my guilt, because she says, “It’s fine. It happens. People lose themselves in relationships all the time, especially in their early twenties. We live and we learn, right?”
“Yeah,” I say softly. “Wait, so what happened?”
Val laughs, so loudly and unexpectedly that I jump. “Well, after talking through a bunch of stuff, we went back and realized the rules we established for ourselves in the beginning of our relationship were bullshit. And we learned that we need to just let each other be who we are, instead of trying to change ourselves or each other. Sure, we make sure to regularly do things together, but we’ve also been doing things separately ever since, and it’s worked beautifully .”
I stare down at my hands, wondering if that’s where I went wrong with James. I’d been so busy with my work at Horizon , giving other people advice or telling them about the best romantic date spots in town, that I took the back seat in my own relationship. Things were so much easier when I followed James’s lead, doing whatever he wanted to do. That is, before he led our relationship into a gaping black hole.
Val jumps off the couch and lets out a big roar of triumph. “Yeah! Take that, Dragonlord Placidusax!”
Startled, I make a face, looking up at the screen in time to see the two-headed dragon disintegrate and blow away in a cloud of dust. “Is that really the dragon’s name?”
“The late dragon’s name,” Val answers proudly.
Sure enough, DRAGONLORD PLACIDUSAX flashes as an achievement trophy on the TV.
Grinning widely like… well, someone that’s just beaten a challenging video game level… Val sets her controller down and grabs an uneaten pizza crust.
As she eats, she glances over at my face and does a double take.
“Oh, no,” she says. “You’re thinking of James, aren’t you? Honestly, fuck that guy. I didn’t tell you all this so you’d feel bad about the past. What I wanted to say is… hell is trying to control people, including yourself. Be nicer to yourself, and let you be you, and let Celeste be herself. If you guys end up taking this further than a business relationship, great. If not, that’s fine, too. Don’t try to force the hand in either direction. Just be sure you know what you want.”
At that moment, the front door unlocks and Kiara walks in, a wine-dazed smile on her face. Burrito shoots out from the bedroom, greeting her with joyful meows.
“Babe!” Val leaps up from Clementine to give Kiara a big hug.
“Aw, babies!” Kiara scoops up Burrito and squeezes Val tight. “I missed you two!”
My friends kiss each other, and I grin.
If that isn’t true love, I don’t know what is.