Chapter 38 #2
“I don’t know what Karl has said about me to you over the years, but I do know that he has never wanted me as a daughter.
He has never acknowledged me in any way.
Never given me or my mom any money—not that she asked for it.
Mom is too proud for that. And I don’t have a trust fund.
Like I said. I lied to you. And I’m sorry, Shawn.
I’m so sorry. You deserve better than that.
You have always been loving and completely open and generous with me.
And I took advantage of you. Took your money.
My only excuse is that I was scared. Scared of losing Mom.
Then later, when I thought about telling you the truth, I was scared of losing you. ”
Shawn starts pacing the small confines of the room, his steps leaving footprints in the plaster dust.
“He’s never given you anything?”
I shake my head.
“Do you…do you ever talk? To him?”
“Not intentionally. I ran into him in the parking garage of your building the morning after our last book club. Saw him at the wedding reception.”
“The wedding,” he growls. “Damn it. I pushed you to go to that.”
“I wanted to go.” Not so much at first maybe, but I changed my mind. And ninety percent of the night was good. Just that last bit sucked.
Shawn stops abruptly, as if he ran into a wall of realization.
“This is why you only come into the city for book club. Why you keep your distance unless I seek you out.” He turns wounded eyes on me. “Do you…do you even want to be around me?”
This is what I was scared of. That he’d doubt how much I love him.
“Yes, Shawn,” I insist. “Our lives are different, and at first, I couldn’t stop thinking about why.
But then we figured it out. Or you did. You didn’t expect me to go to five-star dinners with you and spend a week’s paycheck on one meal.
You didn’t take me to fancy events where I didn’t know anyone and felt left out.
You found a way to seamlessly incorporate me into your life in the corner where I fit.
And I love that corner. I didn’t know it existed until you showed it to me.
Book club is my favorite night of the month.
I love when you show up at the diner, especially if I get to see you pathetically pine after my best friend. ”
A watery chuckle bursts out of his chest, and I realize he’s crying as hard as I am.
“I didn’t keep my distance because I didn’t want to be your sister. I kept it because I didn’t think I could be. But you proved me wrong. And now I’m terrified I’m going to lose you because now you know I’m just another leech in your life taking advantage of how kind and giving you are.”
“Fuck the money, Beth!” Shawn shouts, throwing his hands in the air.
“Fucking hell, I know that’s a pretentious thing to say, but fuck the money.
Take it. Take more. Never pay me back.” His hands land heavy on my shoulders, forcing me to meet his wide eyes.
“I would have just given it to you if I thought you would have taken it. You barely managed to ask, and I could see you were about to take it back. I had to trick you into accepting by saying you could pay me back to soften the blow.” He jabs a finger at me. “You are so stubborn.”
“I’m not.”
“Oh really? Are you going to stubbornly fight with me about how not stubborn you are?”
That has my teeth clicking together.
Shawn lets out a deep sigh. “You know, despite the revelations of this conversation, I’m not completely oblivious.
I knew you all were having money issues.
And I went to your mom first to offer help, but she turned me down flat.
Marge did, too. I think mainly not to upset Charlotte.
I knew you were my last shot unless I wanted to set up an extravagant lottery-winning ruse to force the money on you.
And I would have. But you caved, thank god.
” He rubs rough hands over his face, scrubbing the tears away.
“I wish I had known how much stress this was causing you. Fuck, I guess I am oblivious. I just assumed Dad would give you something.”
“Don’t be hard on yourself. Karl knows how to be convincing. George believed him, too.”
Shawn drops his hands. “What do you mean?”
I wave a hand in the air. “Karl said something about not paying it out to me if George was my friend. George thought he was the problem. Because he used to live in his van or whatever.” My mind brings up the long-haired hippie-vibes guy he used to be.
Knowing that was George, I better understand how he might have briefly worn the label of fuckup. Although only by the BBN definition.
“But it was me who Karl wanted at a distance. I know you love your dad, but believe me when I say he really does not want me in his life any more than I already am.”
Shawn stares at me, and something unbelievable happens.
I watch my sweet-as-a-golden-retriever-puppy brother go feral.
“He outright told George there was a trust fund for you?” His voice is low with a hint of a growl.
“Uh, yeah. Just like he told you.”
Shawn slowly shakes his head, something like murder in his eyes.
“He never told me anything. I assumed, like a self-involved prick. You’re telling me that Dad not only didn’t set aside money for you, he’s also been lying about it to keep people away from you? Are you fucking with me right now?”
I guess the curtain is getting fully pulled back on Karl Newton today.
“This is secondhand info,” I say, not wanting to speak for anyone else. “Ask George. Ask your dad. I’m not the most reliable source.”
Shawn leans down to scoop me up, his arms crushing me in a hug.
The strength of his affection breaks something in me, and although I try to hold back another round of tears, I can’t.
They’re slow at first, but then they strengthen into full-body-shuddering sobs.
Like the stress of my entire life has built up only to be released in this moment.
My father’s rejection.
My mother’s brushes with death and descents into depression.
My years of wanting a dream I’m so close to yet so far from having.
My guilt at lying to my brother.
My heartache over loving a man but knowing that I’m using him.
“Here’s what’s going to happen,” Shawn murmurs.
“You’re not going to pay me back. Ever. Not unless you decide to take our father to court to get all the years of child support he should have been doling out.
You do that, and maybe we can talk about it.
” He sets his hands on my shoulders, pushing me back so his red, puffy eyes can meet mine.
“And from this day forward, you give it to me straight. You find a coffee table to stand on, and you shout in my face.” His thumbs are gentle as they wipe tears off my cheeks. “If we fight, then we go to war.”
I let out a teary laugh. “I’m not sure that’s the most mature method of solving sibling conflicts.”
Shawn shrugs, his smile rueful. “It works for us.”
I stare back at my brother, and I so badly want to take this out that he’s offering. But I’m also terrified this is his people-pleaser monster rearing its head and trying to smooth things over while hurt festers underneath.
“You aren’t just mad at Karl. You’re mad at me, too,” I tell him, as if I can command him to admit it.
Shawn snorts. “Oh, I am?”
“Yes.” I jab him in the chest with a finger, trying to drill some reality into the heart I know I hurt. “I lied to you, Shawn. For years. I’m a liar who lied to you. Don’t ignore how that makes you feel.”
He huffs out an aggravated breath, and the display of frustration is a good sign.
“Yeah, okay, it’s fucked up that you lied.” His words fuel my shame and guilt, but I don’t shy away from the feelings. “I don’t like that you lied to me. Lies make me anxious.”
“And mad,” I press.
“Fine!” Shawn throws his arms up, dramatic until the end.
“I’m maybe, kind of, a little, minuscule bit mad at you.
I thought we were close enough that you could always tell me the truth, and it hurts to realize that you didn’t feel the same.
But,” he holds out a silencing finger to stop me when I’m on the verge of speaking, “I believe you when you say you care about me.”
Oh. “I do.”
“That’s what causes my anxiety. Not knowing who truly cares about me.
” His frustrated frown eases into a rueful smirk.
“I know that with you. Always.” He flicks a chunk of drywall off my shoulder.
“We can fight like siblings and be fine. That’s all I want.
Is to fight and be fine.” Shawn drags in a deep breath and sighs it out.
“I want to know that if all the cash disappeared, you’d still be here.
And you would. I know you would. Because you’re my sister, and you love me.
And I love you.” His lips curve to a playful grin.
“So sure, I’m mad at you. But not really. ”
My brother just crumbled my weak little heart and built it back stronger with his words.
“I’m sorry,” I say again.
Shawn nods. “So am I. Do you forgive me?”
“Of course.”
“Good. I forgive you, too.” He reaches out to ruffle my hair, white plaster dust falling from the strands. “Look at that. No shots fired.”
I grimace. “Feel like I could use one anyway.”
“Me, too. Got any booze in this place?”
Ten minutes later—after I’ve rinsed off most of the wall residue—we’re on the back porch, each with a beer, watching as Grumps snuffles in the yard for signs of squirrels.
Shawn waits until I have a few swallows before he starts digging. “So, you’re in love with my best friend?”
I pick at my beer label. “I could ask the same of you.” The comment is pure deflection.
“She’s so mean to me.” Shawn says this with a dreamy smile as he stares into the fading light of the sky.
“And that…does it for you?”
He chuckles. “Yeah. I want her to be mean to me every day. And then, when she’s nice…” He swirls his bottle, his expression softening with hope. “It means I’m doing something right. I get what the rest of the world doesn’t.”
Oddly, I completely understand what he’s saying. Being one of the few people Darla loves is special. I get why he’d want to earn his way into her small circle of trust. If anyone can manage it, Shawn can.
“Don’t think I didn’t notice that distraction.”
“Fine. Yes. I love your friend. But he’s sticking his head up his ass.”
“What did he do?”
“He proposed to me to win an argument.”
“Ah. Bad move. Can’t say I wouldn’t make it myself, but yeah. What were you arguing about?”
“Flying lessons. I don’t think he should be my instructor. We’re dating. And he’s not charging me.”
“So?”
“So,” I scoff, shaking my head as I gaze up at the stars and try to find some patience.
But I’m worn thin. “I’ve grown up knowing what can happen to a woman when she sleeps with a superior.
And excuse me for not wanting to be judged by every pilot who learns I earned my license for free while fucking my instructor. ”
“Shit, Beth. They wouldn’t—”
“Some of them would.” I glare at him. “Some of them do. Don’t sit there and tell me how I’ll be treated when you don’t know, Shawn. When you’ve never…hell, can you just believe me?”
He blinks, then dips his head in a solemn nod. “I’m sorry. You’re right. I don’t know.” He leans toward me. “I believe you. I just hate thinking—knowing—that you have to deal with that.”
We sit in silence for a stretch, working on our beers.
Of course, it’s Shawn who breaks it. “Charlotte went through that. Didn’t she?”
I bite hard on my lower lip to keep from spilling every dark detail I’ve gleaned over the years and just give him a nod.
“Because of our—because of Karl.”
I don’t bother to answer. Not when it’s a clear yes.
“Well.” Shawn sighs. “I love you. And I get why you don’t feel comfortable with George as your flight instructor.
But I hope you’ll consider using that three thousand dollars you offered me to pay for the rest of your flight lessons.
” He taps the neck of his beer bottle against mine.
“Don’t let the assholes keep you on the ground, Beth. You belong so far above them.”