Chapter 39
Chapter
Even though Mom’s text said she and Marge would be out late, I wait up. After my heart-to-heart with Shawn, I want to feel better, to be a more honest version of myself that’s taking healthy steps toward my future.
But there’s a twisted voice digging deeper and deeper into my brain the longer I let it go unaddressed.
“She was going to get rid of you, you know that, right?”
So when Grumps starts barking, and Mom and Marge come in through the front door a moment later, laughing and carefree, I fight not to tell them a simple “Good night” and head upstairs.
“Beth! You’re still awake.” My mom smiles at me, but the expression fades when she takes in my reddened eyes. “What’s wrong? Did something happen?” She hurries over to me, setting a hand on my shoulder as her eyes scan me for injury.
“Nothing happened,” I assure her. “I mean, I’m not hurt or anything.” Not physically.
Still, she doesn’t relax. “You’ve been crying.”
“Why don’t I make tea?” Marge sets a pot on to boil while my mother settles herself in the kitchen chair beside me. I stare at my hands, where I dig a nail into the woodgrain surface.
Don’t bring it up. Don’t cause her stress.
“When I went to Tasha Baylor’s wedding reception, I spoke to Karl Newton,” I murmur. Maybe if I say the words quietly enough, we can pretend I never spoke them.
Tension settles over the kitchen. My fault. All my fault.
“Never mind.” I make to stand. “Please don’t worry about it. It doesn’t matter.”
“It does.” Mom grips my arm in a surprisingly firm hold. “What did he say to you?”
Reluctantly, I reclaim my seat. Marge sets mugs in front of us, a bag of chamomile resting in each just waiting for hot water.
“He was saying mean things to George. He and Mr. Bunsen. I stepped in between.” The memory has me clenching my fists. “Told him off.”
“Good girl,” Marge murmurs as she pours steaming water into our mugs.
“Then he…” I swallow and wrap my hand around the hot ceramic, needing the burn to focus on. “He said that I was only with George for his money. That I was like you. Which I knew were lies.” I meet Mom’s eyes to reassure her.
She only looks concerned for me, though.
Which makes this next part agony to say. Do I even need the answer?
The words are flowing before I can decide.
“He said you’d planned to get rid of me.”
And my first thought was…
Maybe she should have. She could have avoided so much suffering.
She might not have lost her job. Never would have been financially unstable. Never worried about paying for housing and food. Never had to give up so much of her life to take care of me. Never been blacklisted by BBN.
Maybe she would have been working at a company with great health benefits when she first got diagnosed.
Marge quietly leaves the room, and I focus solely on the rising steam from my mug.
“He wasn’t lying.” Mom’s voice, when it comes, is quiet but firm.
“He wasn’t,” I repeat. Not a question. Because deep down, it had felt like the truth. The moment he said it, the decision felt right. Felt like the route my mother would have taken.
She’s always been pro-choice. Taught me the importance of a woman maintaining control over her body. A younger Charlotte would have considered all available options and settled on terminating the pregnancy because it made the most sense.
“That was the truth,” she continues, voice steady. “I told him I was going to get an abortion. I had one scheduled.”
“You changed your mind?” Obviously, because I’m here.
“I never expected anything from Karl. The affair, that was a choice I made. A selfish one, I know. But I never had this idea of him leaving his wife for me. He was attractive and charming—at least good at faking being charming—and I enjoyed the attention.” Self-disgust is thick in her voice.
“But I don’t think he ever believed that I didn’t want more.
That’s his arrogance. Of course, I must have been in love with him—and his money.
” She rolls her eyes. “When I told him about the pregnancy, he went cold. Harsh. Demanded I terminate it.”
I open my mouth, but she shakes her head, pressing on.
“I didn’t make the choice in order to follow his command.
I decided to set up an appointment because he revealed who he truly was.
A cruel, cold-hearted sociopath. All I could think about was being tied to someone like him forever.
All I could imagine was having to raise a carbon copy of him.
That’s why I decided I wanted to go through with the abortion. ”
“He said you changed your mind because you met Mrs. Newton. That you got jealous.”
Mom huffs a harsh laugh. “He would think that. Because he must be at the center of everything.” She reaches out to take my cold hand in hers. “No. I wasn’t jealous. I changed my mind because I met Shawn.”
I start at the sound of my brother’s name, and my mouth falls open when I see her fond smile.
“He came to the office with Meg—his mom—one day. Before she found out about the affair and before my appointment. She went to speak to Karl and left Shawn with his assistant. I could see him sitting there, staring around with these big, curious eyes. Then he wandered over to my desk and asked if he could pet my dog.”
“Your what?”
“I had a picture on my desk of Gingerbread.” There are photos in some album of a baby me sitting next to the chunky yellow Lab mix Mom used to have before the sweet dog passed.
“He petted the picture and asked me all about Gingerbread. What she ate, what toys she liked, if I thought she would like him. Then he handed me back the frame, said I looked like the tooth fairy, and asked if I had any teeth with me.”
I laugh. At the start of this conversation, I didn’t think I’d be able to.
But that’s my brother.
Mom smiles at me and the memory. “That’s when I realized that if I decided to go through with the pregnancy, you would be mine.
You wouldn’t be another Karl Newton. Even the kid being raised in the same house as the man was sweeter than I could imagine.
And funny. And just…his own little person.
” She cups my face with her palm. “I realized that you would be your own little person, too. I didn’t have a family, but that’s when I realized I wanted one. Wanted you. I wanted to meet you.”
When her thumb swipes under my eyes, I become aware of the tears tracing down my face.
“Shawn lent me the money to pay for your medical bills,” I blurt in the face of her lovely sentiment.
She stills. “What?”
The tears are coming faster. Shouldn’t I be tapped out by now?
“After the second round of chemo. Marge’s insurance covered some, but not enough.
We were in so much debt along with the mortgage.
I was scared they were going to take the house.
” For once in our lives, we had a home that we owned, and I could not fathom having to leave it.
“And you—it’s not your fault—but you were in a bad place.
And I panicked and I asked him, and he said yes. ”
My mother closes her eyes as if in pain.
“I’m sorry, Mom. I know you never wanted anything from the Newtons after the way Karl treated you. And I get it. The guy is toxic. But even now, even though he works for BBN, Shawn isn’t that way. And I always intended to pay him back. This just gave me time.”
“Oh, Beth. No. No no no.”
“Mom, please. I’m sorry. Shawn isn’t a sweet toddler anymore, but he’s a good guy. Like, the best guy.”
“Honey.” The endearment is ragged, and she gathers me in for a tight hug. “I’m not upset about the loan. He came to me first. I should’ve said yes then.” She smooths her hand over my hair. “I’m upset because you’ve taken this on yourself.”
“You’re supposed to reduce stress,” I whisper against her neck, wondering if I’ll ever stop crying. “I’d rather worry about this and you stay healthy.”
“I understand that. But I’m your mom. I take care of you. Not the other way around.”
“You did. You have. You worked so hard for so long, and it wasn’t fair.” Over her shoulder I spy the green vines creeping out of her little greenhouse. “I want you to have a chance at your dreams, not worry about a stack of bills.”
“Beth. That’s exactly what I want for you.”
We’re quiet in our hug, wrapped around each other.
“Shawn won’t let me pay him back,” I admit, the confession pressed against her shoulder.
Mom chuckles. “That’s actually why I said no in the first place. He called it a loan, but I knew. Knew he wouldn’t take a cent.” She settles back in her chair. “I’m a little surprised you didn’t.”
I sigh, wiping my eyes. “Sometimes I wondered, but then everything went down with his ex-fiancée.” I shrug. “I think I got so terrified that he’d cut me off, I couldn’t consider the possibility.”
“Hmm.” She twines her fingers with mine, gripping my hand in a mini hug.
“I’m going to talk to him. We’ll figure something out.
But this is between your brother and me.
Those bills are mine, and they don’t scare me.
” Her smile is so peaceful, I start to believe her.
“I know I scared you, but I hope you trust that I’m in a much better place now.
With therapy and medication, and you and Marge, and this house.
Early in your life, I felt like I was scrambling.
Now, I feel like I’m settling my roots into firm soil. Like I’ve got room to grow.”
An iron-tight band around my chest eases.
“Yeah?”
“Yeah. And it’s time for you to do the same.”