Chapter 29 A Sea Change
A SEA CHANGE
LEAH
“Let’s try together.”
I’d never had a simultaneous orgasm with a woman—not even Lourdes. The idea seemed laborious given everything we’d talked about in a past life. It also felt forced. If I couldn’t get her off even after delaying my orgasm, I’d fail.
“But it’s never worked for us,” I protested. “I cannot get you off at the same time I do. We’ve tried—”
She brushed my cheek, then kissed me slowly. I melted, so desperate for more. I was so horny, swollen, and wet that I could have kept grinding on her leg to the point of losing myself. We both knew that.
She brushed hair from my face, and I melted. “The geometry doesn’t work like that. I know. I wasn’t saying we had to come at the exact same time. I just want to do this together—for us to watch each other.”
“I want this so badly. Just like this,” I moaned. “I won’t last.”
“If you want to do that, do that,” Lourdes slowly rolled my nipple between her fingers. “I’ll come when I’m ready, baby.”
Lourdes had—to this point—resisted tribbing. She’d called it “straight male gaze shite” among a million other things. I also loved it. This was one of the things I did with other women, but never Lou. Moreover, I’d never seen her do it.
I kissed her, overwhelmed by her desire to put her needs over mine. I grew wetter and more desperate, using her opposite hip for traction to grind deeper and harder against her leg. Meanwhile, she braced against my body, slowly and hungrily rolling her hips against me.
“See, it feels good,” I panted.
“Uh-huh. God, I love watching you,” Lou moaned.
Lou slid her hand between my legs as she continued to grind against me. She stared down with a powerful, demanding gaze, then kissed me in a way that sucked all the breath from my lungs. I pulled back, whimpering.
“I’m going to come!”
Lourdes gave me one short, delicate kiss, then watched me come unglued.
“Oh, fuck! Oh, God! Yes!” I screamed, having a full-body orgasm for the ages.
She kissed me again as my legs still twitched and my body hung limp.
“You wanted that so badly, didn’t you?” Lou whispered as my fingers drifted to her pussy.
I nodded, nostrils flaring. I couldn’t parse even a sentence as her wetness enveloped my fingers. She looked at me like I was everything.
“You.. wanted that?” I panted. “Why?”
“Because you did,” Lourdes threw her head back as my fingers slid slowly inside her warm, desperate center.
She was so beautiful when she lost herself.
I was the wild, daring one. She was the focused professional.
However, when in bed with me, she gave over to her most hedonistic side.
Tonight, there was that. But under it? There was this desire for closeness I hadn’t seen from her before. We craved intimacy unlike in the past.
I rubbed myself against her, feeling as though maybe I could have another orgasm. The feeling of my wet fingers slowly sliding into her slick pussy and my thumb hitting her clit only made the sensation better. Was that greedy, though? I’d already had my fun.
“Do you want to come again?” Lourdes asked breathlessly.
“Yes,” I moaned. “But I want—”
“You’ve got me so close,” Lourdes gasped as I dug my fingers into her lower back
Knowing how close she was to her orgasm, I desired the same.
As Lourdes pulsed around my fingers, her wetness exploding against my palm, then down my fingers and body.
The feeling excited me. I flipped her over quickly and ground against her a few more times.
Eyes locked, I had my second orgasm—one that nearly matched hers in intensity.
“Oh my God! Oh...” My words left me.
When I fell back to the surface, I resettled on Lou’s satisfied gaze as we both recovered.
“I’m sorry I did that to your duvet,” Lourdes snickered. “I didn’t expect to squirt. It’s been awhile. I wasn’t sure I even could.”
“Why?” I asked. “You didn’t struggle back in the day.”
Lourdes sighed. “I think, sadly, you were the last person to make me do it.”
I smiled cheekily.
“No, Leah. Don’t do that. Don’t flatter yourself so much.”
I wiped my hand on the already destroyed bedspread and went to find a couple of towels. Lourdes stood, beginning to pull the linens.
“We really are that good together aren’t we?” I asked as I rolled up my bedding and laid down towels.
“Don’t let it go to your head, but yes. I think you were the last one to manage it for me. And… as I said… things declined quickly. No one ever got me there. I’ve had good sex at the start of relationships—amazing sex—but not like that and especially not after a decade.”
“Then why is it so hard to let yourself want this all the time?” I asked, unable to hold back. “Because I do. I want to see fireworks every goddamn time. And you and I both deserve that much.”
Her face faded. I realized I’d hit a nerve.
“No, no, Leah. Sorry to bring it down. It’s just… I am realizing now that my emotional connection with other partners. It makes me feel stupid.”
“Why let it?” I grabbed linens from the hall closet. “I’m in the same boat.”
“Uh, I think for different reasons—different but similar enough.”
“Such as?” I tossed the blanket on the bed.
“Well, you wanted babies. I wanted stability in Hollywood. And if we’re going to talk about the moral high ground, you have it darling.”
I laid sideways in bed by her. “How do you think?”
She traced my collarbone. “Well, you never hid who you were—not even via omission. Me? I just denied all the gay rumors.”
“Lourdes, people knew we were together.”
“People in our world did—theatre people. Hollywood people just thought we were friends, largely because I denied that this was a real thing. I played straight, Leah, you know that.”
I didn’t. In my heart, I always thought she wanted to be honest about us because she loved me, but protected me by taking the line of, “I don’t talk about my personal life.”
“I thought you just didn’t discuss any of those matters?”
“And yet my social media was filled with adoring photos of my failing straight-passing relationship milestones? I’m a coward, Leah. And I’m projecting. You called me on it and I will own it. But if I’m being vulnerable, I’m just trying to find myself—even in my soon-to-be forties.”
I softened and kissed her, wanting to heal these wounds.
“I am sorry you felt the need to do that,” I said. “I will never quite understand it, but I appreciate that it’s a thing.”
“I’m one foot in, one foot out. But right now? I feel like I’m right where I want to be.” Lourdes curled in my arms, voice tired.
Her breathing slowed. She drifted off totally comforted by my heartbeat.
I realized I was so in love with this woman that I never could have been satisfied by anyone else.
The problem was, I still didn’t know what I wanted.
And Lourdes said she didn’t want kids. We were again so in love, but so incompatible.
We’d danced around the question of whether we loved one another as humans did or as lovers did for so long that I didn’t know if there was a way to flip the script. Would we ever just talk about it?
Maybe, this was a sea change. Or, maybe, I was too wrapped up in good sex to see the forest for the trees.
I set it aside. This was fun and invigorating.
She lifted me when I needed it. I would let it go.
Lourdes wasn’t ready for commitment or risk while I wasn’t ready to communicate what I needed.
Until we were forced to have that brutal conversation, I wasn’t willing to let this go.
In my heart, I knew Lourdes was the only person I’d ever loved like this.
But was love enough? In the past, it hadn’t been for me.
Love was only one component. I wanted a partner in all things.
If Lourdes couldn’t give that, would love and desire alone be enough?