Chapter 32 Let’s Go Out
LET’S GO OUT
LEAH
“Lou, it’s your birthday,” I groaned, pulling her towards the door. “You look amazing. Let’s go!”
“I don’t want to,” Lou groaned. “God, I never should have gotten that peel.”
“Your face looks fine.”
It did now. Yesterday, she looked so bad, I didn’t think our makeup team could fix her.
It turned out that whatever my aesthetician used did not suit her skin like it did mine.
With her skin now calmed by a sufficient layer of moisturizer, Lourdes was beautiful as ever.
The swarm-of-bees look retreated. I booked us a nice table at Tivoli, a hot new Italian place not far from mine with spectacular views.
“Fine or good?”
I rolled my eyes. “Lovely. You’re beautiful. Are you into praise kink now?”
She snickered. “Hardly. That, my darling, is all you.”
“C’mon.”
We stepped beyond her apartment door and into the hallway. One neighbor—a thirty-something woman holding a cat carrier-spotted us. She smiled broadly, then ducked inside like she couldn’t believe she just witnessed us existing.
“Your neighbor is adorable,” I said.
“She’s totally cottage core vibes. We’ve never said much, but now that she knows you’re hanging around, my star is rising.”
We stepped onto the elevator.
“Where are you taking me? It better not be another taco or curry run with me looking so good,” Lou said.
“There she is—the siren who knows her own worth,” I said. “It’s the place you mentioned. I got us a table by the window, and you can just shut up.”
“Really? Tivoli?”
“Yes,” I answered. “You said it sounded ‘bloody amazing’, and I took note. I mean, it’s your birthday, so—”
“It’s not a big deal.”
“It is! It is a major birthday. A big fucking deal!”
I could tell she was uneasy about turning forty fresh off the heels of a divorce settlement. I also knew she had so much left to give the world. Still, she looked down and remained quiet as we climbed into a cab.
“You’re absolutely fabulous in this dress,” I said. “Red is so good on you.”
“Well, it seemed like a nice change,” she said. “Gabe always hated me in red. So, now I wear it whenever I can.”
“It’s beautiful. You’re beautiful.”
Unable to help myself, I leaned to kiss her. Thankfully, the feeling was mutual. Lourdes kissed me back—if only for a long, steamy moment. It never felt like enough.
We held hands and chatted on the way to dinner.
Lourdes came back around—smiling and laughing like always.
When we arrived at the restaurant, she was floored by the whole thing.
Her face lit up and a giddy shine came into her blue eyes.
I made her feel special. All the fuss and pleading with her to get out the door felt completely worth it.
Then, she faded inward. She pulled her hand from mine as we took a seat and sat up in her chair. She didn’t smile or flirt.
“Why are you being like this?” I asked. “If you didn’t want to go out—”
“I did,” Lourdes said. “And I do.”
“You’re acting like this is a business lunch,” I said.
“That couple over there is staring,” Lourdes nodded. “At your three.”
I looked over, annoyed, but gave them a warm smile and returned to the birthday girl.
“Lou, we’re allowed to have dinner. Women go to dinner together all the time. Are we really going to go two steps back into that closet or are you—”
“We’re not in a relationship and…” Lou lowered her voice. “I worry that things will get messy for me professionally. I just inked the papers. I am officially free, but no I’m with a woman? It’s salacious.”
“Who cares?”
“Leah, I don’t want to talk about this right now.”
The sommelier approached with the bottle we ordered. I nodded in Lou’s direction for her to taste the wine, not me. She did.
“Cheers, that’s great,” she said with a slight smile.
She ducked back into her menu.
“Lou, you told me you wanted to go to dinner. I thought things were good. Where is this coming from?”
“You’re going to have an Oscar in a few months. I can’t be you. I wish I could. I want to love you and spend every damn day with you, but I don’t have your notoriety—even with my cat lady neighbor.”
“Lourdes, you cannot live in the dark.”
“I know I cannot, but you and I aren’t—”
She stopped as the server approached.
“We’re ready to order,” Lourdes insisted.
We weren’t, but she rattled off what she wanted. After a moment’s pause, I ordered random items and hoped for the best.
“You said you wanted to stop being a coward,” I pressed. “So stop.”
“Leah, there are other reasons and you know it. It’s not just that.”
“Such as?”
“Because you want kids and I don’t?”
“I was going to say you don’t know what you want, and I don’t know what I want and that’s unfair.”
“But isn’t this, too? Is that what you want?”
She looked down at her wine, swirling it.
“Lourdes, is that what you want?” I repeated.
She looked up slowly, now seeing the inevitable tears welling. “Stop it. Please don’t! It always makes it worse. I cannot handle you upset.”
“I… I love you,” I whispered, reaching for her hand.
To my surprise, Lourdes didn’t pull back. However, she shook her head and looked over the city. I gave her a moment to think. I wasn’t sure what I was proposing or asking. I wanted to beg her to consider me, but I needed her to trust me. Eventually, she turned, choked up.
“Uh…” she sniffled. “I love you. I think I realized that the other night. And I only agreed to that date—”
“I don’t mind that—”
“But I do. If we do this—and really do this—we need to be totally monogamous for now. This isn’t like your wild twenties, Leah. I need more than that. As you said, I deserve more than that. I love you, but I also worry you will hurt me.”
I squeezed her hand harder. “I want you—no matter what. And if that changes, I will tell you, but for this moment in time, I just want to enjoy this together. Whatever this stage is, I want it.”
“Really?”
“Lou, the timing has always been wrong. I wished a dozen times we could have made it official. The time I’ve spent thinking about what if’s could fill whole months if not years.
You leaving to go out on a Hollywood run while I went here to Broadway has always struck me as a lost opportunity. Can’t we just do it for us?”
“But what if after this wraps, it just ends?” The fear in her eyes hit.
“I cannot tell you it won’t end. I cannot promise you forever—not right now—but I am willing to try.
My life is a disaster, but I know how much I love you.
That has never changed. I have always loved you more than anyone else—deeply, earnestly, and addictively at times. Let’s not let this slip away.”
Lou smiled and placed her palm on our hands, nearly toppling her glass. We both giggled.
“You’re supposed to be the clumsy one,” Lourdes said.
“I will always be clumsier,” I said. “Don’t you worry. I promise to bite it while attempting a tap dance or to fall up the stairs in short order.”
“No more tap, please. You give me a heart attack, my love.”
“The wine is good, yeah?” I asked, sipping.
“Glad I didn’t spill it. I suppose I’d have to replenish it and then we’re splitting the bill and—”
“First, I’d never make you buy wine on your birthday. This isn’t a bad first date. It’s a good first real date. Second, I don’t even care if we finish this bottle. My goal is to take you home as soon as we can scarf down dinner so I can have my way with you.”
Lourdes stopped drinking, holding her glass, eyes locked on mine. “Leah, what are you suggesting?”
A cheeky grin spread. She wasn’t surprised, but intrigued.
“I have an idea and I want to try it,” I whispered. “And the more I think about it, the more I want it.”