Chapter 44 Reality
REALITY
LEAH
Lourdes returned in a puddle of tears and flopped on the couch.
She put her head in my lap and sobbed for a good five minutes before telling me what was wrong.
I sat quietly and brushed her hair, waiting for her to unload when she was ready.
I had an inkling it had to do with Sweet Charity but didn’t have the heart to ask.
“He’s sicker,” Lou said. “And… they need to do more treatment.”
“But the fact that there still is treatment is good. Charlotte said—”
“Leah, his life expectancy is basically half of what it was. I feel like there is nothing I can do right now.”
“Oh, baby, you can’t. That’s the hardest part, I’m sure.”
She sobbed, “No. You don’t understand. If your Dads died tomorrow, you’d know you had all that beautiful time with them—without resentment or anger. My Dad and I are complicated. I guess we finally just got back to good and… now he’s gone.”
“Oh, sweetheart, I’m so sorry.”
I didn’t understand it. She was right.
“Here’s the thing, I waited for years for him to tell me that he loved me just as I was. That is what young me needed. I carried this baggage and fear around for years. The last week felt like heaven. Now, the rug is just ripped away. How much did I lose? How stupid was I not to just talk to him?”
“Lou, you weren’t stupid. And maybe you don’t want to hear this, but I suspect he wasn’t ready to tell you.
He’s in a stage of grief and awareness allowing him to reconsider what matters most. You both have space you didn’t have before—you’re out of an emotionally abusive marriage.
He’s looking down the nose at death and realizing what he wants to do in the last months of his life.
That’s a type of clarity neither of you had before. ”
She sat up. I handed her a box of tissues.
“You’re right. I didn’t think about that. And now I am. And I cannot un-think about it and all of this. And perhaps that’s why I don’t even care about that part?”
There it was. I knew she’d lost the part.
“They pushed back on it.” She read my face. “Something about the producers. They needed more time. It’s not a no. It’s a not now, but you know what that means.”
“It could still—”
“I don’t bank on could’ves, Leah.”
“I know. We’re old and grizzled,” I laughed, brushing hair behind her ear. “That’s smart. But now you know what matters most.”
“I still need to pay my bills. The divorce is inked, but… I’m just now digging out. I didn’t consider anything else while I was waiting, which was stupid. But… I cannot help but think I need to be back in London.”
I nodded. “And we will.”
“Leah, I don’t even have a place to live.”
I furrowed my brow. “Baby, we’ve talked about this. We were getting a place.”
“And splitting it… with what income? I cannot just drop my proceeds from the sale of the house on this. I need it to live on.”
“I’m not worried about it. If I buy the house—”
“Leah, we’re not married. That is stupid.”
“Lou, a couple of months ago, you talked about having kids. Kids are way more permanent than a marriage license.”
She came alive momentarily and moved from the couch.
“Maybe this is the blessing we need, Leah.”
“Uh… what? Me buying a house? Fine. Sure. Sold. Pick one out and I will pay cash.”
“That is such a flex, but no.” Lou shook her head and paced. “Leah, we will both be off work. Neither of us has any immediate plans. You’re working on writing a series. I’m doing fuck all. It’s madness and it requires you, but… do you want to have a baby?”
I did a double take. “Um… excuse me?”
“We’re both off work. The timing is perfect. We’ll be back by my family and much of yours. No doubt your dads could come and stay. It’s bad timing, but like my dad said, it always is.”
“I… uh… am okay with that?” I said, as if it were a question. “But why are you? This is the sort of thing I suggest, not you. You’re little miss logical.”
“Well, I’m not now. My Dad is dying. We’re both going to have a rare moment of peace. You said we can imagine a family any way we want. You said you’d do it, so, will you?”
She was serious. I’d never seen Lou like this before.
“I would gladly have a baby with you, Lou. I think you’re the only person I’m ever going to consider doing it with. But… as much as we enjoy fucking, it’s not going to make a baby.”
That got a laugh out of her. “You said you’d be okay if we found a donor we know. How many men do we know?”
“Brian is out. Leo wouldn’t. We know a lot more gays than anyone else, Lou, but I don’t think any of them want to involve themselves in sharing genetic material.”
“Well, just… think about it.”
“Okay,” I said, confused but adjusting to the idea.
She sat down on the couch, relieved. “And you’d really buy us a house?”
“Lourdes, if I am going to have babies with you, I am going to buy us a house—a great big house with huge closets we don’t have to fight over in a posh neighborhood like you’ve always wanted.”
She rested her head on my shoulder. “I love you for that. I am sorry my pride gets in the way.”
“You could let me spoil you more.”
“I’d let you. Are you hungry? I want butter chicken.”
I snickered. “Well, let’s go to that place, then. Is this what we always do after big, life-changing conversations?”
“Yes and no,” Lourdes admitted. “Sometimes we fuck, but I’m neither in the mood to have sex nor in the mood to go out. I look like hell.”
“That place doesn’t deliver, Lou.”
The look on her face was priceless.
“I promise when you’re pregnant and grouchy, I will get you whatever you want,” Lourdes said.
I kissed her forehead. “Fine. Fine.”
Because I loved her, I departed to the far-flung reaches of Hell’s Kitchen to the Indian place she loved most. Lourdes had to be difficult and choose a place that had no delivery. And while I hated to go out on Sunday, I did it for her. I’d do anything to make her feel better.
The entire way, I thought about what I could do.
How the hell did I find a man willing to donate sperm to us knowing he’d have no formal role in the baby’s life and get nothing out of it beyond the satisfaction that he helped?
As I was going through the list of possibilities, I ran into a familiar face who had the same idea Lou did.
“Malcolm Ferguson!” I said as he stepped back from the till.
Mac turned, face breaking into a smile and hugging me, “What the hell are you doing out?”
“I’m… picking up a to-go order for us. Lou is… down. Her dad is really sick. She only wants this food.”
“Ah, okay,” he said.
The woman behind the counter asked impatiently, “Can I help you?”
I turned to her and she did a double take.
“Sorry, I uh… called. Order is under Natalie.”
“Yes, yes.” She read over the receipt. “Vindaloo, samosas, butter chicken, lamb biryani, chicken saag, and two orders of naan.”
“And there should be a chicken tikka, too,” I added.
“Oh my god!” The woman flushed red. “They didn’t add that to the bag. Let me have them make it for you. I will refund it—”
“No worries,” I said. “It happens.”
Mac stared at me confused.
“Look, Lou and I will literally eat this food for the next three days. Do not judge me.”
“No judgement,” he laughed, arms up in a truce.
“What brings you here?”
“Lou raved about it the last time we went out after the play.”
“Ah,” I said. “Yeah, it’s her fave.”
We sat on the side of the dining room, waiting on our food. The restaurant was quiet on a Sunday, but that was perfect.
“So Lou’s dad… it’s bad?”
“Cancer. He’s got a couple years. And… she just sprung on me the fact that she thinks we should have kids now or never. Which… I’m cool with… but is… complicated.”
“Wow. That is a lot.”
“I get it. And a year ago, I was hoping to get married in the summer and be pregnant by the spring, Mac. I don’t mind being pregnant. We both found out we’re going to have a big break in work, so the timing is perfect. We’re moving back to London, even.”
Mac’s face lit up. “Oh, that’s great. I will see you all around more, I guess?”
“Yeah, if I can get Lou to come with me to anything your parents host. She still gets weird about my world versus hers.”
“I saw the papers. Congrats, I guess?”
“Thanks. I… I told her.”
“I know.” He patted my knee. “That’s amazing.”
“How are you doing. I know you broke up with Allie—”
“I’m good. Happily single. She gave me a little confidence back and it was pretty amicable. We’re just not in the same space and I’m about to move back, you know?”
“Great.”
We sat in silence. He seemed to be thinking.
“Well, can’t you just call your dads for advice on the whole baby thing?”
I snickered. “Yeah, I’d love to get some pointers on how to land a donor of genetic material, but Dad’s response would be to pick an opera singer from a book and go with that.
Also, then we’d have the added complication of baby clothes showing up at our house randomly because he’s just so excited. I don’t need that much pressure.”
Mac snickered.
“It’s awkward, okay? Not like I’m going to randomly walk up to men and say, ‘Hey, my partner and I want to have a baby, do you mind letting me borrow some sperm?’.”
Mac snickered. “Borrow? Sweetheart, there is no borrowing. It’s yours. We don’t want it back.”
“Straight men are confounding. Proud of cumshots. Fear of cum.”
He cringed.
“Sorry. You know I have no filter, I was raised by men, and we have known one another since I left a surrogate’s womb.”
“I know. I just… it’s true. But can’t you just go to a sperm bank?”
“I don’t want an unknown donor. That’s my own fucked up origin story.
I want the kids to at least know something about their donor.
I don’t need him to be involved at all. Lou and I are the parents.
It’s more like… I want them to know who he is and be able to see the features of theirs that look like his.
That’s important to me. That and a full health history. ”
“Well, don’t tell your dad then,” Mac said. “Because I am sure he’d call every man in the aristocracy’s mother trying to see if they might be willing.”
“Ick! Totally cringe.” I pulled a face. “Totally fucking true, though. He really would try.”
“Bless him.”
The woman called my name from behind the counter. “Natalie? We’ve got the whole order. Sir, yours is coming soon.”
“No rush,” Mac said.
He stood as I took the two bags.
“Well, we should get dinner sometime,” I said.
“Yeah,” he said. “Uh, Leah?”
“Yeah?” I asked, turning before I left.
“I could do it. If… you know… you didn’t mind?”
I nearly dropped my bag. He rushed to secure the handles.
“Sorry. I… that’s so fucking weird. I shouldn’t have—”
“No,” I said. “Oh my God, you’re perfect. Like you’re a genius, you’re healthy, and, you’re known.”
“Yeah, but I cannot be too known because I don’t have an heir and… that bit is complicated because it’s going to go to Niall’s kid obviously.”
“Honestly, that will make Lou more comfortable with it,” I said. “She’s mostly concerned that some dude is going to want to get overly involved.”
“No. I’d be happy knowing I helped you all complete your family,” Mac said. “And I’d be able to at least see your kids from afar and know I did something right. If she’s cool with it, of course, and we could figure out the whole… turkey baster or whatever.”
I giggled. The thought of this conversation happening at a random Indian place in Hell’s Kitchen was almost too much.
“I don’t think that’s what happens, but we have friends who have gone this route to ask. What if we scheduled a meeting to discuss it? I’ll talk to Lou.”
“Okay. I’m serious, though. As many times as you defended the nerdy version of me from bullies or built me up, Leah… it’s the least I could do. Making you and Lou happy would make me feel like I left the earth better than I came to it.”
“Aww.”
“Sorry. That’s so fucking cringe.” He chuckled nervously. “Please stop me.”
“No,” I said. “It’s why I told Lou I wanted to have a baby in the first place. It’s fucking perfect.”
I left and returned to Lou, laying out the Indian feast on the kitchen island. Lou assembled in a pair of my college sweatpants and a hoodie I once stole from Papa. She wrapped her arms around my neck and gave me a long, adoring kiss.
“You are so good to me. Thank you.”
“You owe me if we do this whole baby thing. I will call in all the favors. And I should curse you for taking all my comfiest clothes, you know that?”
“Feed me and I’ll see if I let you take me out of them.”
I shook my head. “Eat first. Do I have a story for you!”
“Really?” She raised one eyebrow.
“I saw Mac. He took your recommendation.”
“Ah, the cute nerd. We should invite him out sometime. I know that the girl broke his heart—”
“Nah. He said their split was amicable. But we should invite him out, I think.”
“Leah, why?”
“He said he’d be a sperm donor.”
“Leah, did you proposition him in an Indian restaurant! Oh my God!” She covered her ears dramatically.
“Stop,” I said. “I never did. I explained the situation with your dad and that I was trying to take care of you.”
“You emotionally dumped on him, Leah!”
“A little but I’m allowed to because he’s known me forever. He did the same to me awhile back. He’s my friend.”
“And?”
“Well, he just straight up offered to help us. He says we should discuss terms if we are interested.”
“Leah, he’s not a stud horse.”
“I know that. He’s my friend. He’s also willing to make that dream a reality and he wants nothing in exchange other than the satisfaction he helped.”
Lou let out a long groan and shoved half a loaf of naan in her mouth. I’d let her chew on the situation for a bit while I made myself a smorgasbord of curries.
She chewed. “He really wants that?”
“Yeah,” I said.
“Why?”
“You have to understand his family and what they are to us. We’re so intertwined that it’s almost naturally expected. You could not find more reliable people, Lou.”
“I liked him from what I could tell, but I have questions.”
“I do, too. I assume he does as well.”
“We should chat with him and figure it out. Is this mad?”
“No, it’s us building a life together. I think what is weird is that it took us ten years to finally admit we loved each other. That’s the strange part. Everything else seems to be falling right into place.”