Chapter 50
THE PART
LOURDES
Iperformed the night I arrived in New York, feeling very much like I was here, but my mind was elsewhere.
If people hadn’t told me I’d been fine, I wouldn’t have known.
I also didn’t care. Being apathetic about a show didn’t come often.
I was not hung over. I had slept on the flight back.
There was no reason to feel like this, right?
My mind was trapped between elation at Leah’s news and the sudden fork in the road I met.
Traveling home, no news meant good news.
I assumed Leah’s period was here and she didn’t want to talk about it.
Instead, here she was—miraculously pregnant at thirty-five with our first child.
And I was trapped. Once more, I wanted to keep the news to myself until the contract was signed, but I couldn’t lie.
As I watched her repeatedly vomit before her costume was off, I knew I needed to fess up. I told myself maybe she’d understand. After all, I could build time into my contract, couldn’t I? We’d be okay.
Leah settled on the couch and choked down a lemonade.
“I’m really okay,” she assured. “Just trying to get myself together. I’ll call the doctor tomorrow and see what they can do for me.”
“Of course,” I sat beside her.
“Don’t worry. This is normal. They say it’s good to have these symptoms.”
“Uh-huh.” I looked down, then grabbed her hand and returned my gaze to hers. “Something happened while I was in London.”
“I thought your dad was recovering. You said they discharged him—”
“They did. He’s doing fine,” I agreed. “No. It’s about an audition I didn’t tell you about.”
She cocked her head. “What?”
“Martha got me a callback. It was sort of informal and just to sell me to the producers for Sweet Charity. But, Leah, I got the part.”
Her face lit up, then dropped.
“When is it happening?”
I winced. “Well, I think as soon as the Oscars are done, I’m starting rehearsals.”
“But that will run at least six months.”
“That was the dream, but they want me to commit to a much longer contract. I know it’s not great timing but—”
Leah pulled her hand from mine. “Lourdes, this isn’t just bad timing. It’s you not wanting to parent with me!”
“Leah, that’s a bit hyperbolic. I will be there—”
“How? You’ll be performing, so you’ll miss all the birth classes. You’ll miss the night feedings. I will basically be a single mother! Hell, you’ll even miss the birth!”
“I can take a couple weeks off once you give birth, Leah. Calm down.” I should have softened my tone.
My words felt clipped.
“I cannot believe you would lie about the audition—”
“I was told to. Martha thought if it got out—”
“Even to me?” Leah began to cry. “You thought I would steal your part? You didn’t tell me why? Because you knew this was going to happen! You knew I’d be upset!”
“I didn’t think we’d actually succeed. I figured we’d be able to wait and—”
“You seriously hoped I wasn’t pregnant, didn’t you?”
“God, no! Leah, I’m happy about the baby. I love you. I want to do this. But you know how much this means to me. It’s the role of a lifetime.”
“You need to negotiate, then. Say you need to exit at the end of my pregnancy.”
I shook my head. “Per Martha, I don’t have that levity. She thinks they will pull the contract if I negotiate the end date.”
“I think as someone of your status, they will understand that your partner is pregnant.”
“Leah, they took the role from Lana because she was pregnant. I’m not physically carrying this child. I don’t need to worry about it like that.”
Leah let out the longest, most frustrated groan I ever heard from her. She took one character shoe off and launched it so hard against the vinyl floor that it bounced like a ball. She tossed the other at her gym bag.
“God damn it, Lou!”
“What? What do you want me to do? Give up on this role? Destroy my career?”
“I’m asking you to choose me—to choose us.
I thought you promised me that. You’re the one who wanted to do this now.
It was your idea. This is your child as much as mine.
Pregnancy and birth are temporary or momentary, but raising a newborn isn’t.
I literally told you how I felt about that.
It’s why I didn’t just have a baby on my own. ”
“But you said you would support my career.”
“Not at the expense of our family!” Her words roared so loudly, I knew the entire cast was probably listening outside.
“Leah, can we talk about this back home?”
“No!” Leah said. “You have a choice to make—or something to unfuck. Figure it the fuck out or don’t come home. I don’t want to see you right now.”
Her lip quivered. I stood, trying to assure her.
She pulled away. “Go!”
I felt heartbroken while parting the fray outside. As I suspected, people had heard her shouting, just as they heard her angry, tired sobs through the door right now.
“Mind your business!” I growled. “Go on! Show’s over.”
Wiping my own tears, I raced to my dressing room where Brian caught up.
He entered and shook his head. “What did you do?”
“I don’t want to talk about it.”
He sat in the chair by my vanity. “Out with it. Because you hurt her. And if you fuck with her, you fuck with me.”
I rubbed my temples. “It’s not so fucking simple, Brian. This doesn’t concern you.”
“Well, you clearly need an assist here. What did you do?”
I looked up at the stained, dingy drop ceiling above and sighed, “I accepted a contract for a part. And it’s not great timing. I have to start right after all of this ends and it’s a long contract. She’s upset. I’m trying to explain to her it will all be fine, but she’s cross.”
“Why? Was it supposed to be her part? That doesn’t sound like Leah.”
I chuckled through tears. “It’s really not. It’s more like me. No. She’s pregnant. I’m trying to explain that I can take a couple weeks off so she can give birth and I can help her recover but—”
“Two weeks? In the middle of a contract? And then what?”
“Well, back to work. By then, she’ll be healed and she’ll have help I’m sure.”
“Lou! What the fuck were you thinking?” Brian grabbed my shoulders, and playfully shook me. “Lou, I have seen so many people have babies now. Loads.”
“You just hang out in maternity wards?”
“No! God, that sounds dreadful!”
“It does,” I admitted. “But it’s just… a thing.”
“Lou, she’s been broody for an eternity, so I can understand why she’s having a child, but if the two of you are doing this together—”
“It was sort of my idea.”
He did a double take.
“My dad is dying. Leah wants kids. We were both supposed to have a year off before we were traveling again, so the timing was right. Then, I took this audition without discussing it with her and agreed to terms assuming it wouldn’t take.”
“Oh, so you really fucked up. Why would you do that? If you’d asked—”
“She might have told me no and we’d have an even bigger fight! Besides, you don’t understand. It wasn’t supposed to work like this—one and done.”
“I don’t pretend to understand female fertility and don’t want to think about those logistics.
The one time I fought through having sex with a woman was unbearably awkward and solidified the fact that I am not into women, but…
Lou… you weren’t honest and I’d bet she wouldn’t have been quite so cross had you asked her ahead of time. ”
“This is the part I’ve always wanted—the role of my life. Why can’t she just understand?”
“Because you put a baby inside her and now are basically checking out like any straight dude who has bigger fish to fry!”
I sighed. “Yeah, when you say it like that, it sounds a bit shit.”
“Stop being a wanker! Take care of her and call your agent.”
“They will drop me!”
“Then they are assholes and you don’t want that gig.”
“Brian, you have to understand—”
“Do you love Leah more than being Charity?”
His words cut like a knife.
“Leah, obviously. She knows that.”
“Not if you’re out to desert her when she’s newly pregnant, carrying an entire show, and vomiting at work. Call your bloody agent and fix it. Do you not think you are worth this accommodation? Do you not think it is worth it to try?”
“Of course I do.”
“Then, you’ll fix it. And fix this. Leah will come around. Give a good grovel. She loves you. You can make it work.”