Chapter Twelve
JULIETTE STARED AT Lucas’s closed bedroom door, remembering when he was thirteen and had first started closing it. It had felt harsh to her at the time. Like a barrier she’d never again be able to breach in quite the same way. But she’d known it was all part of growing up.
Now it felt even more like an insurmountable barricade. She gathered her strength, reminding herself there was nothing she couldn’t handle. She hoped that still held true for this new battlefield.
“Lucas,” she said through the door. “We need to talk.”
He opened the door, but he didn’t say a word. He plunked himself down on his chair by his desk, crossed his arms, and scowled.
She sat on the edge of his bed, worrying with her hands, trying to figure out where to start, but her words came without much thought. “I’m sorry I lied to you. I know you don’t think I did the right thing, but I made the decision that I thought was best for you at the time based on what I believed to be true.”
He looked away.
“You’re allowed to be mad and hurt, and you can even hate me for lying to you.” She softened her tone. “But you can’t run away, Lucas. Not from me, because I will always drop everything to try to find you, and I will always love you, no matter how much you act out or think you hate me.” She paused, giving him a chance to respond, but he remained silent. “And you can’t run away from the reality of this situation. Seeley will always be your biological father. Those are the facts, and they aren’t going to change.”
“How do you even know he’s my father?” he snapped, turning to face her again. “It’s not like you did a paternity test.”
“He was the first and only person I had ever been with. He is your father, Lucas, and I’m sure you have a lot of questions, so let’s talk about it.”
He stared stoically at her, his fingers drumming on his arm. “He told me about what Grandpa did.”
“I know. Seeley told me he was honest with you about everything.” She curled her fingers into the edge of his mattress, channeling her anxiety there.
“Was Grandpa really that much of a dick? Did he really do all those things? Did he keep you locked in the house and find a way to fake that letter?”
“Unfortunately, yes. My father was very controlling, and he was even worse after he took me away from the ranch.”
Lucas breathed harder. “Did he really have his bodyguards beat up Seeley?”
She nodded, emotions stacking up inside her. “Yes, that’s what Seeley said, and I believe him.”
His jaw tensed, and his fingers stopped drumming. “Is Seeley the reason we moved here?”
“ No . I moved to California because I was forced to, and it never really felt like home. Not the way this house does.” Or the ranch did . “I was honest with you about how much I missed Grandma Hazel. She was the only person who was always on my side, and I wanted to feel closer to her. When she left us this property, it felt like a sign. I didn’t think we’d run into Seeley. He doesn’t live in Weston. He lives in Hope Valley.”
He stared at her for a long moment. “If we hadn’t run into him, would you ever have told me the truth?”
She gripped the edge of the mattress tighter. “I wish I could say yes, but I don’t know for sure. Maybe not.”
His jaw clenched, and he looked away again.
“Lucas, try to see things from my perspective. It wasn’t easy keeping that secret from you. There were so many times when I’d look at you and think about how much you looked like or acted like Seeley. But I didn’t think he wanted us.”
“I get it,” he snapped.
“Do you?” she asked sharply. “Because I’m going to be brutally honest about something else right now that I think you need to know. As treacherously hard as this is for all of us, now that I know the truth about my father and the truth about Seeley, I’m relieved that it’s all out in the open. It was torture lying to you. I have lived half my life thinking Seeley didn’t love me the way he said he did and believing he didn’t want you.”
Her chest constricted, and she struggled to regain control. “Honey, you are my heart and soul, and thinking your biological father didn’t want you killed me every time I thought about it, which was all the time.”
He looked away, his lips twitching into a frown the way they had when he was little and on the verge of crying. His arms tightened across his chest. “This sucks. I hate it.”
Tears welled in her eyes. “I know. I’m sorry. I hate it, too.”
“Everything I thought I knew about our family feels like it was all a lie. Seeley said you weren’t in love with Dad. Is that true?”
Oh God, here we go. “I loved your dad, but I wasn’t in love with him, and I know that’s confusing.”
“I’m not stupid. I know there’s a difference, and I’m always going to love Dad.”
“Of course you are, honey, and you should.” She inched forward, aching to take his hand or hug him, but she was afraid he’d push her away and clam up, and she needed him to talk with her. “Nobody wants to take that away from you, and Seeley doesn’t want to replace your dad. He just wants to get to know you and to be in our lives.”
He sat up straighter but looked down at the floor. “What if I don’t want that?”
She felt a fissure forming in her heart at the thought. “Then we’ll talk about it, and if you really don’t want to get to know him, that’s your prerogative.”
That brought his gaze to hers.
“But I think you should give him a chance. He lost both of us through no fault of his own. He only found out about you yesterday, and when I called him tonight to tell him you’d taken off, he didn’t hesitate to help. He brought his family and all those bikers we saw at the hospital over here to look for you. They came with horses and ATVs and trucks and bikes. That’s the kind of person Seeley is, but only you can make the decision to give him a chance or not.”
Lucas looked down again, kicking the bottom of his boot against the hardwood floor. “Do you still love him?”
“I never stopped,” she admitted, more tears brimming. “I’ll always love Seeley. Our love was big. It made you.”
He looked at her with a mix of pain and sorrow. “Are you two getting back together?”
“I think we have bigger things to figure out, don’t you? He and I have to get to know each other again. We’re not the same kids we were, and you come first, Lucas, for both of us.”
“I doubt that’s true for him,” he grumbled.
“I understand why you’d feel that way, but if you decide to give him a chance, I think you’ll see otherwise.” She wiped her eyes and rubbed the dull ache in her temple. “You know what, honey? You don’t have to make that decision tonight. What else would you like to know?”
“Nothing,” he said sullenly.
She felt him shutting down. “Okay, but I want you to know that you can talk to me about how you feel. I’m not going to get mad. You have a right to feel whatever you’re feeling, but I don’t want there to be any more secrets between us.”
“Whatever.”
She let that go, because there were other things they had to discuss. “We do need to talk about you going to Devil’s Bend.”
“I can’t believe he narked me,” he said incredulously.
“He’s worried about you. Devil’s Bend is dangerous. I can’t believe you took Warrior there.”
“I didn’t take him down the cliff,” he barked.
“That’s good, because he relies on you to keep him safe, and I know you’d never forgive yourself if he got hurt. I’m not going to punish you this time, but if you do it again, you’re going to lose riding privileges, and you can kiss your learner’s permit goodbye.” She pushed to her feet. “Can I trust you not to take off again?”
“ Mom ,” he said exasperatedly.
She smiled. “It’s nice to hear I’m your mother again.” She leaned down and hugged him. “I love you, Lukey boo.” The endearment she’d called him since he was little almost earned a smile. “I’m going to skip dinner and drown my emotions in ice cream. Would you like to join me?”
“I’m not hungry,” he said sullenly, and pulled out his phone, focusing on it instead of looking at her.
“Okay. If you need me, I’ll be on the porch.” She walked out of his room.
“Mom?”
She turned around. “Yeah?”
He hadn’t moved from the chair, but at least he was looking at her. “I’m sorry I scared you.”
“Thanks, baby. I’m sorry about all of this.”
He looked like he wanted to say something, but he just focused on his phone again and said, “Can you close my door?”
She pulled his door closed behind her, glad they hadn’t ended up yelling at each other. At least that was something. She grabbed a pint of chocolate ripple ice cream from the freezer and a spoon and snagged a hoodie from the hook by the front door on her way outside. She sat on the porch step and put on her hoodie, then looked up at the starry sky, feeling like she’d been through a war, and gave herself a moment to breathe.
It didn’t take long before memories crept in, of sitting on her grandmother’s porch swing, talking out her troubles and listening to her stories. Oh, how she’d loved that swing. When she and Seeley were together, they’d sit on it, kissing and making plans for a future that had seemed so real she would have bet her life on it. There was a porch swing at the farm where she and Lucas had lived in California, too, and she used to sit on it with him, telling him stories, but it was never the same as it was here.
She sat on the porch for a long time, eating ice cream, hating her father, feeling sad for Lucas, and for herself and Seeley, throwing silent prayers out to the universe that they’d get through this without Lucas hating Seeley.
When she finished the ice cream, satisfied that Lucas wasn’t going to escape and seemed okay, at least for now, she headed down to the barn.
She loved up Maxine before making her way to Warrior. He lifted his big head as she approached. Where Maxine was leggy and graceful and had been a champion driving horse before becoming one of her grandmother’s broodmares, Warrior was short and compact, with James Bond confidence and charm and a beauty all his own. He’d been a breeding stallion at the ranch where they’d lived in California but had retired and had been gelded several years ago. He’d always been Lucas’s favorite horse, and Juliette had bought him for Lucas’s ninth birthday. With a good amount of training, Warrior and Lucas had become inseparable. Warrior was always up for an adventure and loved exploring the hills and arroyos of California.
She eyed the dark mahogany bay horse. “Thank you for keeping my boy safe, but if you ever take him to Devil’s Bend again, your apple stash will suffer.” The horse nickered, and she petted his strong jaw. “I know. He’s hard to say no to.”
She gave him some extra love before heading out of the barn and calling Seeley.
He answered on the first ring. “Everything okay? How’d it go?”
His urgency, and the fact that he cared so much, made her smile despite the gravity of the evening. She imagined him sitting in his backyard, his elbows on his knees, brooding. “Well, we’re both still alive. I’d call that a win.”
“That bad, huh?”
“Not really,” she said. “There was no yelling.”
He exhaled loudly. “Good. I was worried I might’ve made things worse by being so honest with him.”
“You didn’t.” She started walking up the hill toward the house. “It would’ve been easier to tie him down and make him adore me, but nobody said parenting would be easy.”
“I’m sorry. Was he pissed that I was the one who found him?”
“He didn’t say. He did ask if my father was really a dick and if I loved Josh, and I was honest with him about both.”
“Sorry about that.”
“Don’t be. I think we need honesty right now. Lucas made it very clear that Josh was his dad and he will always love him.”
“Of course. He’s staking his claim. I respect that. I should’ve told him I didn’t want to take Josh’s place, but I was focused on making sure he knew how and why the situation had gone down the way it had.”
The cadence of his voice told her he was pacing. “I appreciate that. He also asked if you and I were getting back together and if I still loved you.”
“Jesus.” Seeley was quiet for a second. “What did you tell him?”
“The truth. That I’d always love you, but we have to get to know each other again, and he’ll always come first.”
“Did that set him off?”
“No. But when I said you wanted to get to know him, he asked what would happen if he didn’t want that, and I told him we could talk about it.”
“Shit.” The hurt in his voice was evident.
She stopped near the front of the house. “I’m sorry. It was hard for me to hear that, too, but I don’t think he’s dead set against getting to know you. It’s just a lot to think about all at once.”
“Yeah. No shit. For all of us. How can I help make things easier?”
“You’re already doing more than you know.” She paced in the moonlight. “Being here and talking to us and caring about Lucas is more than I’ve had from anyone other than my grandmother. I appreciate all of it, and I hope one day Lucas will, too.”
“It doesn’t feel like enough. I know he needs time, but I want him to know I’m here if he has questions or wants to talk, and I don’t want too much time to pass before seeing him again.”
I don’t want there to be either . “He’ll probably have a lot more questions as the reality of it all sinks in. Why don’t we see how things go over the next few days? Then we can figure out where to go from there.”
“Sounds good. Jule, are you sure you’re okay? You can tell me if you’re not.”
“I’m as okay as I can be, I think. But I’d give anything for a do-over.”
“You and me both.”
“I keep thinking about what my grandmother said when I got that letter. I was completely inconsolable, and she said it was because my heart had found its voice and that it would always speak louder than my head. She said there would be no quieting those screams, and I’d have to learn to hear past them to do what was best for my—for our —baby. I worked so freaking hard to do that, and now I wish I had been too weak.”
“Don’t do that, darlin’. Don’t blame yourself for this. It was all fucked up and out of our control. But you’re back, and the truth is finally out there, and if I have my way, you’re never leaving again. Or if you do, it’s not going to be without me.”
She smiled at his vehemence and his undying adoration.
“We will figure this out, Jule, and I know it may not feel like it right now, but Lucas loves you, and I have to believe that one day he’ll understand why you took the path you did.”
“I know he loves me. I just hate hurting him.”
“So do I, and I hate how much hurt you’ve suffered. Do you want me to come over and sit with you so you’re not alone?”
“ Yes ,” she said honestly. “But you can’t. I don’t want Lucas thinking it’s us against him.”
“Oh, man. I didn’t even consider that. Sorry. I think I need a parenting handbook.”
“Don’t we all?”
“I don’t know, darlin’. Given the hand you were dealt, I think you’ve done a hell of a job so far.”
“Thank you.” She soaked in that praise. “I needed to hear that. It means a lot to me.”
“Well, you and Lucas mean a lot to me.”
She looked up at the house, not wanting to end the call, but she was worried about Lucas. “I should check on him.”
“Okay. I’m here if you need anything at all.”
“Thank you.”
She ended the call, reveling in his support, and a kernel of longing bloomed inside her. She climbed the porch steps, trying to ignore the wave of guilt washing over her, because while their worlds had been turned upside down, she was so frigging glad Seeley was back in their lives, and she ached to be in his arms again.