30. Holly
THIRTY
HOLLY
He knew. He knew, he knew, he knew.
My knowledge of the English language was quickly reduced to those two words, and I opened my mouth to speak, but nothing came out.
“I…uh…you…”
There was pain in his eyes, and his chest rose and fell rapidly. His heart had to match my racing one. “You talked to Eli.” I finally managed to be able to repeat it.
“He didn’t tell me anything but what he heard.” Graham scooted closer to me on the couch. Not quite to the center, but closer. A brief hint of his cologne hit my nose, and I squeezed my eyes close to fight back my fears.
“Give me that chance to be there for you now,” he said. “If it’s…” He paused and cleared his throat. “If it’s not good news, you’ll need help.”
“I have help,” I muttered. I hadn’t expected him to know. I’d debated all day and last night how honest I was going to be with him, what I was going to tell him, if there was any point in telling him.
“Everyone can always use more help.”
“You’re…stop this.”
“I’m what?” he asked, and his hand reached out and tugged at the ends of my hair. “What am I, Holly?”
“You’re scaring me.” The admission was out before I gave thought to it. But now that it was there, a living, breathing truth between us, I couldn’t stop. “You’ve always scared me.”
“Don’t you think I didn’t know that?”
He huffed a laugh, and that laugh cracked through the tension and my fears like it always did.
One laugh or joke from Graham, and things never seemed as scary as I built them up to be.
He was a magician in that sense. He spoke, and my worries vanished, but only for as long as he was close to me.
“I’m scared,” I admitted. “And I’m worried about Jonah, what will happen if…”
“Don’t,” Graham whispered, his voice thick and scratchy. “Talk to me. Tell me what’s going on.”
I shook my head and pressed my tongue to the roof of my mouth. I couldn’t tell him. Tracey and Caroline were the only ones who knew, and I’d barely been able to tell them. Still, it was Graham, and he hadn’t just slithered through the cracks in my walls—he was sitting in front of me, blowing them all to dust and crumbling the rest.
So I opened my mouth, and it all spilled out. I gave him every gory detail and symptom, not bothering to think he might be grossed out about hearing how my stomach swelled up or the heaviness of my periods.
He just kept running his hand through the ends of my hair, his head tilted to the side, soaking in every disgusting word, every mention of the pain I had for the last several months, and all the things it could end up being.
When I was done, he didn’t ask questions. He moved even closer to me and wrapped me in his arms.
“Don’t,” I rasped, my face pressed to his chest before I knew what he was doing.
“Shut up and let someone hold you,” he murmured in my ear, and I barked out a laugh.
“You’re such an ass.”
“I know.” His lips were curled into a smile. I could feel them against my hair. “I think you like it.”
For the first time since I’d met him, I lost the words to argue.
He was wrong to think I liked him. I one hundred percent did. That was what was always so terrifying about him to me. But he’d been right, too. I looked at everyone like they were one bad thing away from leaving.
He looked at people and assumed they’d bring something good to my life.
I had enough therapy in the first couple of years I had Jonah, encouraged to go talk to someone by Trina to help me work through the stress and fear and worry and changes I was dealing with, to know he was right.
Maybe it was time to let the remaining walls I had turn to ash.
Maybe it was time to start thinking of my future differently. Maybe I didn’t have to be afraid of dying or abandoning Jonah and leaving him with Caroline.
Maybe, just maybe…
“Maybe I’ll be okay,” I whispered against Graham’s chest. They were more for me, to voice hope in something instead of fearing the destruction.
Still, Graham’s arm tightened around me, his lips against my temple as he declared, “Damn straight you will be.”
For the first time, I didn’t think about pulling away. I didn’t mentally set up blocks, and I didn’t try to tell myself all the reasons why I should be staying away from him, why this wouldn’t or couldn’t work.
Instead, I lifted my head, chin pressed to his chest, and met his rich, dark gaze. “So what now?”
There was a pause where he looked at me, brows knitted close together.
His hands went to the sides of my neck, back into my hair, and his arrogant smirk appeared right before he whispered, “This.”
And then his lips brushed against mine, stealing all sense and defenses and refusals before I could conjure any.
“Oh,” I whispered, right before he strengthened the kiss. His lips pressed against mine, nibbled at my bottom lip. My heart raced and my blood warmed, and I could do nothing but kiss him back, sinking into how good this felt.
There was no fear, no hesitation. The only thing I felt for the first time in a very long time was that this was right.
Being with Graham brought me peace and laughter and comfort. He allowed me to be. He was gentle while confident, he was patient while protective.
If I would have ever taken the time to dream of my perfect man, doodle him in diaries when I was a little girl, or consider what I wanted all those years ago when I made that vision board with Tracey, I would have drawn this man.
Maybe after all these years, it was time to stop trying to protect myself from all my fears and let Graham start battling them with me.
* * *
He will still cupping both sides of my neck, fingers pressed into my scalp when he finally pulled back from my lips. “This might be the very first time I’ve ever gotten to see you, the real you, without you hiding anything from me.”
My lips shook as I tried to smile.
“I like it, Holly. It makes you even more beautiful than I already thought you were.”
My eyes fell closed, and I bit my bottom lip. “I feel like we still have a lot to work through. You live in…”
“Denver, I know,” he teased. “And every couple has something to work through. We’ll figure it out.”
“But…”
He kissed me again, and this time, his tongue slipped into my mouth, tangled with mine, and I forgot the but altogether.
“There’s Jonah,” I whispered.
“There’s the distance. There’s a host of things we’ll figure out. I want the chance to try, that’s all.”
He kissed me again, and I laughed against his mouth.
“You keep kissing me before I can say anything.”
“That’s because you’re going to say something doubting us before we begin, and I don’t want to hear it.”
“Stop it.” I laughed and smacked his chest, shoving him away from me.
He grinned back, lips dark and curled into his own smile. “Am I wrong?”
“Maybe.” I crossed my arms over my chest and pressed my lips together. I tried for a frown and lost. My lips kept wanting to curl up.
“All right.” He kissed my nose and then drifted his hands down my neck, my shoulders, and then my arms, until he was holding my hands. “Jonah. We’ll start with him. I owe him time at the skating rink like I promised him, and I have new skates for him.”
I blinked. “You what?”
“He asked me to take him skating. I’m going to do that so I can get to know him. Let me know when a good time for that is, and I bought him skates because I want him to like me, and he needs them. His are worn, and they weren’t supporting his ankles properly.”
“You bought him skates to bribe him.”
“Absolutely.”
I should probably be mad about that, but I couldn’t muster up any anger. Instead, my eyes were filling with tears. Jonah needed something, and Graham bought it. No questions asked. Hockey skates were expensive, and while I tried to get the best gear for him, sometimes I had to make do with items from a used resale sporting goods store.
“Thank you,” I rasped and sniffed, blinking my tears away. “He’ll love them.”
“I know you’re scared and uncertain about this, but I think you know me well enough to know that no matter what happens, I won’t make promises I can’t keep, and I’ll be gentle, both with your heart and Jonah’s, as we figure this out.”
My heart squeezed as I kept my gaze focused on Graham. His was so intent, so confident. That was always how he’d been. My objections took a hike, and one by one, they walked single file right out of my mind.
I made a decision, right then and there, to do the one thing in my life that was the hardest, to make a choice that made me feel the most vulnerable.
“I trust you,” I whispered, and my chin shook as I said it. Trusting someone was terrifying. It gave them the means to hurt me. It gave them the upper hand, but Graham was right.
I knew exactly the kind of man he was.
He was worthy of it.
“Thank you, Holly. Thank you for that.” His expression softened, like he knew exactly how much that cost me, and then he was kissing me again, his warm mouth against mine, his tongue teasing mine.
Heat swarmed in my lower belly, and all my nerves turned into something different, something so much better. We kissed until my lips were swollen, until my body was on fire, and then we kissed until Graham groaned and slowly pulled away.
“Come here.” He drew me close to him on the couch, grabbed a blanket that had been on the floor, and draped it over both of us.
“What are we doing?”
“We’re going to watch a movie, cuddle, and spend the rest of the time I get you tonight enjoying being together.”
I had thoughts in my head of all the other things we could be doing, but we had time for that.
Suddenly, they didn’t matter.
Graham was right.
We had plenty of time to figure out the rest.