24. Hannah
CHAPTER 24
hannah
“Did you seriously fuck up the best thing that’s ever happened to you?”
I shoot my sister an evil glare from where I’m currently kneading dough. I had to come clean to someone about Liam and me. The one person I wanted to talk to was the other party in this fucked-up situation we’ve found ourselves in.
Yesterday was the most emotionally draining day I’ve had in a very long time. It made every tear shed over Levi look like child’s play. It was difficult to mask my emotions in front of Charlie, but after she went to bed, I spent the night crying. Walking away from Liam was challenging when all I want to do when he’s around is be close to his warm, strong body. But I need time to think away from him. Finding out that he’s been in love with me this entire time rattled a foundation that I thought was unshakable.
“Charlie is the best thing that’s ever happened to me, asshole. Don’t you have a job now you need to get to?”
“Okay, she’s obvious. But Liam is right up there with her. You really didn’t know that boy was actually in love with you? We are absolutely not done talking about the fact that you eloped by the way. Sorry, Lo kinda soured you telling me.”
When I think about Liam, my heart flutters in my chest, but there’s also a gnawing sensation in the pit of my stomach. Liam is comfort, safety, fun, he’s my peace. But he’s also exhilarating and charming, and hell, he knows exactly how to touch me to light my body on fire. He’s been the single constant thing in my life for as long as I can remember, never abandoning me, no matter how hard it gets. Was I naive to think it was all because of our deep friendship?
“Yeah, dummy, you were.”
My head shoots to Hailey, suddenly realizing that I said the last part out loud. I drop my head back to moan at the ceiling.
“Ugh! What have I gotten myself into?”
“Sounds like Liam is what’s gotten into you. How’s the sex by the way? He’s always looked like he knows his way around a woman’s body.”
My body heats thinking about how Liam touches me, the way he speaks to me as he does it, and the look of pure need on his gorgeous face.
“Oh my god! It’s amazing, isn’t it! You should totally see your face right now, Han. Damn, way to go. You’re finally getting dicked down the way you deserve!” Hailey throws her head back as she laughs.
“Why the hell are you laughing right now, you little hussy? This isn’t fucking funny! My life is literally crumbling around me.”
“Because it’s about damn time, Hannah! Wake up! The two of you have been acting like an old married couple since the very beginning. It’s actually mildly exhausting to even witness.”
“That is so not true. How can you even say that? We’re best friends, Hails. We’ve seen each other through everything, why does everyone assume that there’s more there?”
“Look, I know that this must be strange for you because I’m the younger sister and I’m the one giving you advice, but you’ve got to seriously be blind, or stupid, which I haven’t ruled out yet. That man has been in love with you for years. You can’t tell me you don’t see it, because everyone else does. It’s so dang obvious to everyone who has ever seen the two of you together; when either of you are in the room, nobody else exists. I guess we’ve all just been waiting for the two of you to catch up. Or rather, for you to catch up. He lives and breathes for you and Charlie, Hannah. So, are you blind or just stupid?”
I let out an exasperated sigh, defeat weighing heavily on my shoulders. Unable to look her straight in the eye, I continue to work the dough with my hands, attempting to let my mind relax through the movements.
“That’s the thing though. I feel it, Hails. Once he no longer held back, it was instantaneous. Like a light switch flicking on, and suddenly everything was so clear. I’ve never felt like I do when I’m with Liam, but that’s also confusing as fuck. I’m struggling to separate my bear from my Liam.
“He’s the same person, Han. Both sides of him have only ever operated because he loves you.”
“But that’s just it. Knowing that he’s been in love with me all this time makes me rethink every interaction we’ve had prior to knowing. Even before all this madness between us, Hail, he’s seen me in nothing but my underwear and bra, for fuck’s sake, I’ve peed in front of him before, granted I was drunk, but still!”
“Which is no different than a swimsuit!” she interjects. “And as far as peeing goes, whatever. Maybe he’s into that. But didn’t your water break on him? Why are you worried about peeing in front of him if he’s literally had birth juice all over him? ”
“Whatever, stop focusing on me peeing. My point is, that while I was behaving as I would with my lifelong best friend, he was behaving that way because he’s in love with me. I don’t know how to let that go.”
“That’s fair. But, in Liam’s defense—because you clearly haven’t noticed—that man has only ever acted like he was in love with you. Like I said, it’s been plain as day for all of us. And you’re an even bigger idiot than I thought if you haven’t realized your own feelings for him yet.”
I wish I didn’t feel so blindsided. But am I though? Because when it’s laid out for me like this—the way everyone in town was so happy for us with their stupid “finally” comments, and how easy it was for both of us to fake this relationship, we’ve been operating as a married couple for years. Now that sex has been added to the mix, everything is just much more transparent. Was I really refusing to see what’s right in front of me?
“He told me he hasn’t been with anyone in a long time.”
“I haven’t been in Aspen Ridge full-time, and even I know that he hasn’t come close to sharing himself with any woman other than you. He acts like a married man, Hannah. And he was doing so without getting his dick wet. What more could you ask for? So what if he has screwed some people before you? Hello, pot, meet kettle. You literally impregnated yourself with another man’s baby. A man who he despises, by the way. So if those things don’t make you wake up, then let Liam go.”
I huff out a sigh and shake my head, starting the process of rolling out the dough for the cinnamon rolls, needing to be done with this topic. Hailey and I sit in silence until Charlotte starts to wake up over the monitor. I give Hailey a knowing look and she jumps up to jog upstairs to get my little one ready for school for me, leaving part of me wondering if Liam is going to show up or not, and what it’ll be like when we see each other again. His text last night was exactly what I expected from him. He’s not going to bail on me now, and regardless of whatever is happening between us, he’s going to make sure that Bean Haven is mine.
Hailey made a good point, not that I’ll tell her that. Liam has been operating day in and day out as if he were a married man, without all the husband perks. He shows up for me constantly, helping with Charlie, holding me through my bad days, laughing with me through the good ones, pushing me to keep going. I was so stuck in this cycle with him as my best friend and trying to make things work with Levi, that I was too blind to see it. But now that I do, and now that I’ve connected with him that way, I can’t go back from it.
I need to have a conversation with my parents and Grandma and let them know that Liam and I got married, and hope to mother above that it’s enough for them to see me settled so they get off of my case and are happy to leave Bean Haven to me. They haven’t even explained what that would look like, too busy making me feel less than for my life choices.
Lost in my thoughts, I successfully put in two large batches of cinnamon rolls and whip up the batter for my apple cinnamon muffins. The day I stop being able to get apples supplied to bake these things is the day the town will riot.
Hailey and Charlie clomp down the stairs together and round the corner into the bakery’s kitchen. Charlie is wearing jean overalls paired with rubber rain boots and a yellow T-shirt. She looks so stinking cute.
“Morning, my munchkin!”
“Hi, Mumma. Where’s bear and Garbage?”
My face falls. Was I seriously so busy thinking about my own feelings that it hadn’t occurred to me how all of this could impact my daughter?
“Bear and the dog are at their house. Auntie Hailey is going to take you to school today before she goes to her big girl job! ”
“Aww. I want to see Garbage. Can I see him after school today? He misses me, Mumma, I just know he does!” She clasps her hands together under her chin and bats her eyelashes rapidly at me. “Pu-pu-pu-puleeaase!”
“I will see if they are busy or not, how about that?”
“Okay! They won’t be busy. Bear loves me. He’ll come over, I just know it.”
Hailey and I laugh, even though I’m dying on the inside, as I give her a massive hug, breathing her in and saying our see-you-laters.
“Have fun being a full-time nanny, Hails!” I tease as she walks out the back door of Bean Haven.
Pulling out my phone, I suck it up for the sake of my daughter and text Liam, but not feeling ready to face him yet myself. I chew on my lower lip while my fingers hover over the keypad.
Me: Hi. Charlie is asking about you and Garbage
Bear: Billy.
Of fucking course it is. Because why wouldn’t I just now be registering the fact that he named his damn dog after the killer in Scream , my favorite movie?
Bear: I can pick her up from school today, if that’s okay? I’ll take them to the park so she can play with Billy for a little while.
Me: Thank you, she and I both appreciate it.
My phone starts buzzing in my hand with an incoming call from Liam. I answer right away, holding my phone to my ear and not saying anything.
“Don’t give me that professional bullshit, beauty. I pick her up all the time, this is not anything different from our normal routine. I love spending time with her. You think I don’t know that you appreciate it?”
“I was just being polite. I’m not sure what to say.”
“That’s fine. I’ll give you today, Hannah, but that’s all you’re getting. Please have a good day for me.”
I sigh into the phone, “You too.”
We hang up the phone, and for the first time in my life, I feel a distance between Liam and me that makes my heart ache painfully in my chest. My phone buzzes with an incoming text message, I open it, and a sharp pain is added to that heavy ache currently throbbing behind my ribs.
Bear: Me and you
It doesn’t go unnoticed that this hurts more than anything Levi has ever done to me. If that doesn’t say something, I don’t know what does.
Harlow: Are we going to talk about this ticking time bomb?
Deciding to leave her on read for a moment, I bite the metaphorical bullet and call my mother before Harlow’s big-ass mouth can, if she hasn’t already .
“Hannah, what a nice surprise. How is Charlotte today? Liam?”
Because why the hell would she ask how I am? I drop the phone to my side and sigh before bringing it back to my ear.
“Hi, Mom. That’s actually what I was calling you about, I have good news,” I try to say with as much cheer as I can muster.
“Oh? I’m listening.”
“Liam and I eloped.”
The silence stretches long enough that I look at the screen of my phone to make sure the call hasn’t disconnected.
“Mom? Did you hear me?”
“Yes, sorry. A bit stunned. Didn’t you just start dating?”
“Not really, like I said the last time we spoke—we’ve been seeing each other, we were keeping it to ourselves while we made sure this is what worked for us. Trying to keep things as normal as possible for Charlotte since he’s been such a constant in her life since she was born.”
The words feel like ash on my tongue. I’m such a fucking idiot. That man is hurting so much right now because I was a blind asshole. An image of Liam’s tear-stained face flashes across my eyes and I wince, my heart aching in my chest.
“Yes, he has. You both have been lucky to have him around. I don’t know what you would have done without him.”
Well, I would have fucking figured it out! Because that’s what people do! But she couldn’t relate to any of this.
“We’re lucky to have him. I just wanted to let you know our good news.”
“Well, it sounds like a celebration is in order. Your dad and I will push up our trip back to Aspen Ridge and plan something for all of us together. While I shouldn’t be surprised you eloped since you can’t seem to do anything the correct way, we still need to have a party. ”
Mother above, give me strength. I am going to lose my shit on this woman.
“Mom, there’s a reason we eloped. We don’t want a big celebration. It’s just between Liam and I, and we want to keep it that way.”
“Nonsense. I’m having your dad change our flights to return next weekend. I’ll start working on everything now.”
“Mom. Do you even hear me? Thank you, but no thank you.”
“Hannah, you don’t know what you want. You never have. I will take care of this for you, though. Give them my love. See you soon.”
She disconnects the call with my mouth hanging open. She’s un-fucking-believable. I toss my phone onto the counter and lean forward, dropping my head into my hands. Why does everything have to be such a mess? Why can’t she just see what a hard worker I am? That I’m happy . . . most of the time anyway. There is nothing wrong with being tired. She equates it with being stressed, but being tired just means you put in the work, that you’re hustling to reach your goals.
“Ugh! Why are you so judgmental, Mom? Why can’t you just love me for me?”
“She’s always been that way. Not sure what your father saw in that one.” I nearly jump out of my skin as my grandma walks into the kitchen.
“Shit, Grandma. Make yourself known. I think my heart stopped.”
“I talked, didn’t I? That’s making myself known. What else do you need? Want me to walk around with a bell around my neck?” I can’t help but relax in her presence as I smile at her. To be her when I get old is ultimate life goals.
“What’d she do this time? ”
Maybe now is as good of a time as any to bring up the plans for Bean Haven.
“Grandma, can I talk to you about something that makes me super uncomfortable to bring up?”
“No sense in letting anything make you uncomfortable, my darling girl, life’s too short. I don’t got much left so you had better get to talking before I join your grandpa.”
On that note, I decide to just go for it.
“What happens to Bean Haven when you pass away?”
“Better question—what is that wretched daughter-in-law of mine telling you?”
I give her a puzzled look that clearly expresses my confusion. Shouldn’t she already know? Then it hits me, and I feel even stupider than before. Control.
“She’s been pushing me to settle down, with Levi, and told me that if I didn’t get my shit together and marry him and prove that I could handle being a mother and businesswoman, she was going to sell Bean Haven.”
My grandmother tosses her head back in a deep laugh that I haven’t heard from her in ages. My eyes widen at the sheer boisterous level it reaches. But her reaction confirms what I suddenly suspected. What an evil freaking woman. My own mother.
“My darling girl, that woman doesn’t have a lick of say over what happens to Bean Haven. It’s in my will, and it will belong to you. And now that I know this, we’re going to fix this before I die so she doesn’t try to do anything fishy. You’ve been in this kitchen working your little tush off since you were six. You pour your heart and soul into it, just like I did. It’s already yours. Bean Haven is just as much a part of you as it is me. It’s in our bones.”
I sigh with huge relief, weight lifting off my shoulders. Wiping away my tears, I walk over to my grandma—who has been more of a mother to me than my own—and wrap my arms around her shoulders, whispering to her that I love her.
The lengths my mother was willing to go to trap me in a relationship with a man who doesn’t love me, just so that I can fit into the mold she wants to force me into, is astonishing. She’s been trying to get me to conform by any means necessary for as long as I can remember, but now, she’s really crossed a line she can’t come back from.
My heart sinks as the realization that the entire reason Liam and I got married in the first place no longer exists—or didn’t exist to begin with—hits me. I know now that Liam is in love with me, but that doesn’t mean he would want to stay married. The thought hits me with force and I nearly stagger on my feet. For the first time in longer than I can remember, I’m happy. Liam marrying me wasn’t for nothing, it opened my eyes to everything . I’m not ready to lose him. I won’t ever be.