16. Chapter Sixteen
Chapter Sixteen
C ody dragged himself up the stairs and down the hall to Brooke’s room. Susanne must have heard him coming and met him outside the door.
“I…”
“Don’t, Susanne. Please don’t tell me to go to bed and leave her alone. I can’t. I just can’t.” He’d been down in his study working for hours, since the doctor left. Thanks to the drugs the doc gave her, Brooke had slept the last of the day away. He hoped she slept through the night, too. He’d eaten at his desk while he pored over his cases, trying to get as much work done as he possibly could, trying to free up his day to spend time with Brooke. He’d even managed to get a full update on the renovations in Brooke’s building. Everything was running on time and on budget, which had to be because of the relationship between his dad and Danny, the owner of the construction company.
He’d have to call Danny soon and thank him for working so hard on the project and invite him to dinner.
Susanne leaned a shoulder against the doorframe. “I was only going to say I’m leaving her in your hands. She’s sleeping well. I took the ice packs off about an hour ago. The swelling in her arms and ankle looks better.”
Cody ran a hand over his hair and looked at Susanne. She smiled like she knew something he didn’t. “Oh.” He didn’t know what else to say and shrugged. She wasn’t going to bar him from seeing Brooke. As if he’d let her.
“It’s been a long day. You’re working too hard. After that fight with Kristi and what happened with Brooke, you need your rest.”
“I’ll rest when she’s well again.”
“Are you really going to marry Brooke?”
“Yes. I want to marry her more than anything. I love her, and I want to make her happy. I want to give her what she’s always wanted. I want to be with her the rest of our lives.”
Susanne smiled. “Your father and I were married here at the ranch. It was a huge celebration. Your father had a lot of friends and business associates.”
“It was a beautiful wedding. Brooke was beautiful as your maid of honor.”
“Yes. It pleased her a great deal when I married Harland. She loved him, too.”
Brooke, the little girl Harland never thought he’d wanted, had claimed a very special place in his father’s heart. Daughters were not Harland’s idea of a family legacy. Brooke changed his mind.
Cody would kill to have his daughter here with him right now.
But Adam had taken her from them. And he’d pay for it. Because he and Brooke and the other victims shouldn’t be the only ones suffering.
Susanne reached out and held his shoulder and gave him a soft squeeze. “I’m all for the two of you getting married. She’s loved you practically her whole life. It took you a little longer to see she’s the best thing that ever happened to you. No one else understands you and accepts you the way she does. Sometimes we have to try different sizes before we find the best fit.”
“She’s the only one that fits. God, I’ve been such an idiot, and she’s paid such a high price for my stupidity.” He fisted his hand and resisted the overwhelming urge to punch something.
“Don’t do that to yourself, or to her. Forget about how we got in this situation, and let’s concentrate on making her well. Let that be the focus instead of what you did, what she did, and what Kristi did to get us here.”
Cody tilted his head. “We can’t change the past, so focus on the future?”
“Life is short. I don’t think it’s good to let her dwell in the past. Let’s find a way to help her move forward. The baby is a huge loss. I’m not saying forget her, just learn to live without her.”
“That’s easier said than done. You saw Brooke tonight.”
“She’ll work her way out of this. I think having something like a wedding to look forward to will help settle her.”
“She never said she’d marry me. In fact, she said she wouldn’t.”
“You surprised her. I think that’s good. Keep her on her toes, but make it clear you really do love her. After all this time, Cody, it’s hard for her to believe you mean it. It’s what she’s always wanted, but this isn’t the ideal circumstance for her to get what she wants. She’s going to have a hard time believing you aren’t doing this because of what happened.”
“I don’t know how to convince her.”
“You don’t need to convince her. Just love her. She’ll see it. She’ll feel it. And soon, she’ll respond to it. She won’t be able to deny it. She loves you, and she wants to be loved by you. Give her what she wants. You know how.”
He wished he had Susanne’s confidence. Right now, he could use even a little of it. “I have no idea where to begin with her.”
“You’ve been her best friend for the last ten years. That’s a good place to start.”
He looked past her at Brooke, sleeping peacefully in bed. Right where he wanted to be.
“I’ll say goodnight. Sleep well, Cody.”
He stepped into the room and sat on the bed next to Brooke as she whimpered in her sleep. “Hey, Brooke, you’re okay,” he whispered, hoping to soothe her without waking her.
“Cody,” she called out, her eyes flying open.
“Yeah, baby, it’s me. You’re okay. You’re safe.”
She sucked in a ragged breath and let it out. “What time is it?”
“Nearly eleven. Go back to sleep.”
She turned to him. “Lie with me. Just until I fall asleep.”
“I’ll stay as long as you like.”
He shifted and settled in beside her on his side so he could see her beautiful face. “I’ve missed you so much, Brooke.”
“I missed you, too.” She bit her lip. “I’m sorry about what happened with Kristi.”
“That’s over. We don’t have to talk about her ever again.”
“But you loved her.”
“Maybe once. It’s hard to tell now. What I do know is that I love you more than anything or anyone. I knew it six months ago. I know it now. And I’ll spend the rest of my life making up for letting you go. I won’t make that mistake again, Brooke. I promise.”
“What do you think she would have looked like?”
“When I think of her, I see you. A pretty little girl with your slightly up-tilted nose, green eyes, sweet smile, and dark hair.”
She quirked her brow. “Not blonde?”
“Maybe light brown hair. A shade between yours and mine.”
That earned him a soft grin. “And her eyes are blue, not green, and filled with your certainty and strength, with a little mischief mixed in.”
He choked up at the thought and how much he loved lying here with her, talking about their little girl. “She’s got your kind heart and laugh. She giggles like you did when you were young and laughed at all my jokes.”
A tear slipped past her lashes and rolled down her cheek. “And she’s smart as a whip, like you.”
“Like her mother. And creative like you.”
“Logical and passionate about helping others like you.”
“What do you think she’d grow up to be?”
“If she’s anything like me, she’ll love you more than anything and want to follow in your footsteps. After she spends all your money riding horses and winning ribbons.”
“Like her mom in high school.”
“And she’d have loved books because we would have read to her every night.”
“We’d have done everything to make her happy. We’d have loved her with our whole hearts.”
“We still will.”
“Yes, we will.”
They fell quiet for a long time.
“Cody?”
“Yeah?”
“I’m scared. Will you stay?”
“Yes. But you don’t have to be scared. You’re safe here. I won’t let anything happen to you.”
“It’s not him. Well, it’s the nightmares. But also…”
“What?” He leaned up on his elbow and stared down at her. Waiting. He’d wait as long as she needed him to.
“I’m scared of the quiet and the thoughts that run through my head. Bad thoughts, Cody. So I need you to stay here with me. Okay?”
Cody tensed, even as he tried not to show his shock and fear. He put his hand on her shoulder and squeezed it gently. “Next to you is exactly where I want to be.” He settled down next to her again, arranging his pillow right beside hers and his head close enough that his forehead nestled in the crook of her neck as he lay on his side, just an inch away from her hurt arm but close enough she could feel him next to her. “I love you,” he whispered.
She didn’t say it back, but she did put her hand over his and squeezed.
“You’re going to be all right. Everything is going to be all right.” He hoped she believed him.
Just being this close to her sent a wave of relief through his mind and body. He felt her relax next to him as her breathing evened out.
And finally, they slept.
Sometime in the night, she managed to scoot back into him, her rump snug against his crotch, back against his chest, her legs outlining his. His arm had found its way across her, nestled under her breasts with her arm over his, their fingers intertwined. He nuzzled his face into her hair, kissed her head, and settled back into the best sleep he’d had in months.
He came awake slowly the next morning, opening his eyes as he became aware of two things. Brooke was awake and she was still lying in his arms.
Brooke had woken up about twenty minutes ago, feeling calm and content because of the man snuggled up behind her.
He stayed.
And she’d slept the entire night without having a nightmare for the first time since the attack. She tried to dismiss it, reasoning it out that the sedative the doctor gave her had done its job. But in her heart, she knew it was Cody beside her, holding her in the night, keeping the nightmares away.
Cody nuzzled his nose into her hair. “This is how I want to wake up every morning.”
She actually grinned. “Thank you for staying.”
“No place I’d rather be.” He held her a little closer, his breath feathering through her hair. “Are you in pain?”
“Always.”
He pressed a kiss just behind her ear and whispered, “I’m sorry.”
She didn’t want apologies. “Maybe this was a mistake, us sleeping together.”
He leaned up on his elbow and stared down at her. “This is the first morning you actually look rested. I slept better here with you than I have since you went back to school.”
“Since you sent me back to school.”
The light in his eyes dimmed. “What was I supposed to do?” He shook his head. “Maybe if I’d done what I wanted to do, none of this would have happened.”
Brooke slowly shifted onto her back and looked up at him. “We can’t keep doing this to each other. You’re not to blame for what happened. I should have told you about the baby. About everything.”
“It’s because of me you couldn’t come home or call when you needed help.”
“My choice, Cody.”
“You did it because you wanted me to be happy. So now I’m telling you, the only time I’m ever truly happy and just myself is when I’m with you.”
His words sank into her hollowed-out heart. The weight of his words and their meaning washed against the bleeding walls and soothed them just as much as his arms around her in the dark had banished all the scary, ugly, and sad thoughts from her mind.
She opened her mouth. To say what, she didn’t quite know.
But Cody put his finger over her lips. “You don’t have to say anything.” He’d read her mind. “You don’t have to know what you want right now. You don’t even have to trust me. But you will figure it all out. You will trust me again. Because I’ll spend every second of every day from now on showing you that I love you, that I’m not going anywhere, that you—we—can have everything we want. I will love you, the way you always loved me. With my whole heart. Without any restraint. With everything I am.”
A tear slipped past her lashes. “Cody…I do trust you. Everything you did is exactly who you are. You wanted to marry Kristi because you loved her and wanted your child to have two loving parents. A family. You let me go because you take care of your responsibilities.”
“Maybe that’s all true. But it’s also true that I selfishly and desperately wanted to be with you. I loved you the whole time I was with her after our night together. Don’t let last night and the night we shared back then be all we have. I want more. I want everything. And I think you do, too.”
“I don’t want it to be because we lost our child.”
“It’s not. I wish I could have told you that morning all the plans I woke up with in my head. I was so excited and anxious to build a life with you, one that was everything I ever wanted. A partner by my side who knew me better than I knew myself. A lover who gave herself to me completely. A friend who would always be by my side, willing to share the good, the bad, and everything in between. Someone willing to say not just what I needed to hear, but all the things I don’t want to hear either.” He cupped her cheek. “You are everything I ever wanted and was too stupid to see was right in front of me.”
“It wasn’t our time.”
“It can be now.” His eyes pleaded with her. “Or when you’re ready. Because I’ll wait as long as it takes. I’m not going anywhere, and I only want to be with you.”
“I just…” She didn’t know what to say. She didn’t know how she felt. Yes, she loved him. She’d always love him. But things were different now. She was different after what had happened, and she didn’t know if she’d ever feel like herself again and not this empty shell.
Cody brushed his fingers over her cheek. “It’s okay, Brooke. I’m glad we had this talk. I wanted a chance to tell you how I feel. It’s deep and true, Brooke. And it’s not going away. Ever. If you can try to believe that, that’s enough for now.” He bent his head and pressed his forehead to hers, his eyes closing, but not before she saw the raw love in them.
She went still and held her breath, not wanting to give any life to the hope that sparked inside her because it had been extinguished too many times and it hurt too much to lose it.
“Last night when you asked me to stay…it gave me hope.” His words echoed her thought. “I just wanted to hold you, be there for you, so you’d know I was here in case you needed me. For whatever you need from me.”
She needed him more than ever, but was afraid to reach for him.
“I didn’t want you to be alone. And, frankly, I didn’t want to be alone. It’s so damn hard to keep making myself stay away from you when this is right where I want to be.”
That tiny spark grew into a flame.
“I start thinking about what happened. I think about her and all we’ve lost, and I need to see you and touch you to know you’re still here with me.”
The flame spread through her heart.
“We can get through this as long as we have each other. If you want me beside you every night to chase away the nightmares, to hold you while you cry, to love you through the darkness until the light comes back—it always comes back. Please believe that—then I will be here. Because I need you as much as I hope you need me.”
She did need him. And after all she and Kristi had put him through, she could understand he needed her comfort, even if he helped make a mess of things.
It was just so hard to believe he wanted to be with her.
Even more unbelievable, he loved her.
She squeezed his hand even though it hurt her broken arm. “I do need you. You’re the only one who knows what it feels like to lose her.”
He sighed heavily and held her tight, kissing her head again. “We’re going to get through this, Brooke. I promise you. I’m going to make everything up to you. We’re going to have what we’ve both wanted for so long.”
“You said you wanted her .” She couldn’t help herself. It hurt that after what they’d shared, he’d let her leave without saying how he really felt about her.
Cody let out a ragged sigh. “Biggest mistake of my life, letting you go. I woke up that morning feeling like finally my whole world was perfect. I wanted to take you for a picnic by the creek you love so much. I’d make love to you in your favorite spot. I wanted to take you out to dinner that night at a quiet restaurant and hold your hand across the table and show you that I didn’t care who saw us together. It didn’t matter anymore because I loved you and I wanted everyone to see how happy we were together.”
Cody buried his face in her hair. “You have no idea how much I hurt for you, seeing you standing in the doorway watching all that play out. I wanted to go to you and beg you to understand. I wanted to wrap you in my arms and tell you that you were the woman I loved with my whole heart. But I couldn’t.”
“Because you wanted to be all in for the baby.”
“Yes. After you left, I did what I had to do. I tried to forget you and move on with my life. But there was something always missing. And honestly, I thought you hated me for what I’d done. I tried to make the best of things and appreciate what I had. Kristi. A baby on the way. Then she lost it and I thought of you. We could have a second chance.” He rubbed his fingers over his forehead. “Then I misunderstood your text when I asked if we could talk. I thought you had someone new, someone you cared about. It wrecked me. I truly thought I’d lost you.”
“You never lost me. I was just waiting until after you married her to come back and find a way for us to be friends again.”
“And parents to our girl.”
“Yes. I didn’t know you loved me.”
“I know. I’m sorry. I should have told you. I’m so damn sorry.” He held her close and rested his cheek on her head.
It felt good to get it all out and clear the air.
Maybe they could start over. But not if they carried all this guilt with them. She held him tighter. “I just want to be here. Now. I don’t want to think about it anymore. And I don’t want it to be a wall between us again. I’m tired, Cody. I hurt from the inside out.”
“I know you do, sweetheart. We’ll find a way to heal.”
“I’m trying. It’s so damn hard.” Some moments it was all she could do to take her next breath.
“I’m here. I’ll help you.”
“Stop blaming yourself. Stop feeling sorry for me. Stop feeling guilty. It makes me feel guilty, and I don’t want to feel this way anymore.”
“I’ll try.” He held her and let all they’d said settle.
She needed time, the quiet, and him.
Cody nuzzled his nose into her hair, then kissed her softly behind her ear. “Do you want to go down and get something to eat?”
She nearly smiled. “Are you desperate for coffee?”
He pressed his lips to her ear. “I’m desperate for you.”
She felt the same way because she felt a tiny bit like her old self lying this close to him. “Cody…”
“Don’t worry, honey. We’re going to work our way back to each other. I know you need time to heal and to learn to trust me again.”
“I do trust you. I was only going to ask you to kiss me.” Because when he did, she forgot everything but how good it was to be lost in him.
“Sweetheart, you never have to ask.” To prove it, he ran his hand through the side of her hair and waited for her to turn to him and nestle close again. He brushed his lips over her mouth in a soft caress, more of a whisper than an actual touch of lips. He increased the pressure.
She felt lighter than she’d felt in months with his lips warm against hers. His thick erection pressed to her hip. She instinctively moved against him, unable to stop her response. She wanted to touch him, feel him pressed against her. Hampered by her injuries, she focused on his mouth connected to hers and savored the taste and texture of him. God, she’d missed him.
The memory of their night together, all the fantasies she’d had over the last six month of his hands on her, his lips, his tongue, his cock deep inside her, making her feel wanted and cherished like he did that night, had built up in her mind and body. She ached with wanting him and what they’d shared. She dreamed of having him back in her arms. This was just a taste of what it had been like, but it was also a release of the daunting past six months and a renewal of all the feelings and untamed desire that still burned between them even if they were still being careful not to hurt any of her wounds.
She wanted more.
She wanted him.
Her breasts tingled and felt heavy. “Cody, I need your hands on me.”
He slid his hand around her ribs. She took it and planted it over her breast. His thumb brushed over her hard nipple. She arched into him.
She wanted more.
He gave her everything.
More kisses. More touches. More loving, keeping her awash in his love and blocking out the grief.
This wasn’t a distraction. This was a reminder that life and love could feel good. Oh, so good.
He kissed her again and again like he could do it all day. The more she relaxed and lost herself in him, the deeper and longer the kisses, the softer and more tender the caresses.
She loved it.
Any apprehension or negative thoughts that this wasn’t real disappeared as he showered her with his patience and enjoyment and the need rolling off him that he was right there with her, feeling everything she felt, connected like they’d been once and needed again now.
Overwhelmed with emotion, tears welled in her eyes.
He rested his forehead to hers and stared into her eyes. “I know just how you feel. I’ve missed you, too, sweetheart. I’ve missed you so damn much.” He kissed her again, then just held her.
For a little while, everything went away. Their world stood still.
She felt safe and loved in his arms.
But this couldn’t last.
He had responsibilities and obligations.
She needed to figure out what to do next. “We should get up.” She brushed her fingers along his arm, loving being able to touch him like this.
Cody snuggled closer. “I’m happy to stay right here with you all day.”
“I’m sure you have other things to do.”
“Whatever they are, they can wait. You are my priority.”
She loved hearing that, but also felt like a burden. “How about we get breakfast. I’m actually hungry.” She’d barely eaten since coming home.
Cody rose up on his elbow and stared down at her. “You are?” The hope and surprise in his eyes made her feel like shit that she’d made him worry so much about her.
“Yeah.”
He slipped from the bed and stood beside it, looking down at her. She let her gaze roam over his body, wrinkled clothes, and the impressive bulge against his zipper, memorizing every line and curve of muscled body and expanse of tanned skin. His eyes remained hot on her.
“Like what you see?”
“I can’t believe you’re real.” And here with me.
“I’m very real. And so is this.” He leaned over to kiss her again, but the knock at the door stopped him inches from her lips.
“Cody, your office called. They need to talk to you. I told them you’d call back.”
Brooke gasped, startled her mother would come to her room looking for him.
“Give me a few minutes,” he called back without turning away from her. “Your mom knows I’m here and there’s no use keeping me from you. She wants you to be happy, and she believes I can make you happy. I’m going to do everything I can not to disappoint her. Or you.” He stole a quick kiss. “Get used to it, because the only place I’m sleeping from now on is next to you.” He kissed her again. “I need a cold shower. As you can plainly see.” He kept it light, teasing, no hint of expectation that she couldn’t fulfill in her condition. Just understanding and patience. “Do you need help getting up?”
She appreciated that he didn’t put any pressure on her but still managed to bring them closer together by putting her needs first.
“Everything is sore and tight and uncomfortable first thing in the morning, but I’ll loosen up the more I move.”
Cody took the pills from the side table and handed her four with a bottle of water. He helped her lean up to take them.
“Rest a little longer? Maybe try a little stretching if you feel up to it. When I get out of the shower, I’ll help you up. We’ll have breakfast together.”
“But you have a call to return.”
“I’ll take care of it later. I’ll work from home as much as possible over the next few days. I’ve got to go to court a couple of times, but otherwise I’ll be here with you.”
He walked away like it was settled and it was okay he’d changed his whole schedule to be with her because she was such a basket case she couldn’t be left alone.
She wanted him, but she didn’t want to be a burden.
She needed to find a way through her grief. She just didn’t know how.
Today felt like a better day, because she’d slept and woken up with him. For the first time in a long time, she felt safe. And sharing the loss of their daughter helped ease some of her pain.
“Brooke, you okay?”
“Yeah.” She met his concerned gaze. “I think I’m going to be.”
He sighed out his relief. “That makes me feel a lot better.”
She really hoped this was the start of their new life together. She hoped she could hold on to this feeling instead of getting sucked under by the crushing pain and sorrow.
She’d try.
For Cody.
For her daughter. She’d live in honor of her.
For herself, because second chances didn’t come often and she didn’t want to waste this opportunity and what could be a really happy life if she let herself accept it and believe in it.
That was easier said than done. Because she wasn’t sure how real or how serious Cody was about being with her. Not that he’d lie. But maybe he was just caught up in his grief and almost losing her.
Was that all this was? His reaction to the circumstances? Or did he really see a life together for them?