Chapter 32
Chapter Thirty-Two
SOFIE
Zach holds my hand as we walk from the Hutton’s house toward our little room above the barn. He was quiet tonight, stealing looks at me over our lively dinner with Barb and Henry.
The cold darkness closes around us, reminding me of that night, but I focus on Zach’s warm hand in mine and the steady crunch of our shoes on the snowy path.
We climb the stairs and Zach opens the door. His little space heater is running full tilt but it’s still chilly. Though, if tonight is anything like the others we’ve spent here, I’ll be warm soon.
“Don’t take that job,” Zach says.
In the soft light from the bedside table, I take in the yearning in his eyes and the set of his jaw.
“What job?”
“The one with Teague Lennox and his son.”
Who told him? Jesse? Ava? it doesn’t matter.
Zach’s leaving in two days and we haven’t talked about what will happen after, and he hasn’t asked me about my plans. We’ve been too busy wrapped up in each other, and it’s been too good to spoil.
Under normal circumstances, the uncertainty would be eating me alive .
But I’m scared.
“Why?” I ask.
“Just don’t.”
I release a slow breath. “It’s an opportunity, Zach.”
“Is it just the money?”
“Yes… and no.”
“Tell me about the no part.”
“Don’t do this.” We only have two nights left, and I don’t want to spend this one mapping my future without him.
“What if the money wasn’t an issue, what would you want?”
“Zach, stop.” I suck in a breath, but my emotions are expanding too fast inside me. Ava’s words flash in my mind. You’re the strongest person I know. So why don’t I feel strong right now?
He draws me to his lap on the futon couch. My thighs slide alongside his, creating instant warmth between us, and a powerful intimacy that terrifies me.
If I look at him, I’m going to start crying.
“If it’s just the money, we can find another way,” he says.
“We?” I say, my voice like sandpaper. I try to slide off his lap, but he grabs my waist.
His look sharpens. “Yeah, we . As in you. And me.”
“Zach,” I warn. “Don’t. You’re leaving, remember?”
“Doesn’t mean I can’t come back.”
The way our bodies have aligned is spreading tendrils of heat up through my core, lighting up my skin. Is he doing it on purpose to distract me? Because this is torture.
Though I try to keep it inside, the words slip free. “You can’t promise me that.”
“Not with words.” His slate-blue eyes fill with so much yearning and desire that I want to wrap my arms around him and never let go.
He takes my hand and presses it to his chest, where his heart is beating steady and strong against his ribs. “It’s yours,” he says. “No matter what happens, it will always be yours.”
I close my eyes and kiss him. My tears skim down my cheeks, landing on our lips, sealing our kiss with heartache and so much tenderness that I don’t try to hold back what I’m feeling .
Zach urges my thighs closer, sending a current of desire through my body. I rock against him, craving that friction and heat. He skims up the inside of my sweater, his calloused hands ghosting my bare skin. He presses one hand against the small of my back, urging my body closer.
We kiss again, his tongue flicking and teasing, and I lose myself in his warmth and my growing hunger. He makes a sound in the back of his throat, like a hungry purr.
He tugs off my sweater and unhooks my bra. Sudden goosebumps prick my skin, but then Zach’s warm lips trace down my neck while he caresses me everywhere, and the two sensations at once unspool me bit by delicious bit. He cradles my breasts and takes me into his mouth, one nipple at a time while I arch to get him closer. His erection is thick and hard against where I’m soft and aching. My craving for more rises like a wave inside me, drawing everything tight.
I tug off his shirt, and the hint of my taut nipples on his bare skin sends heat prickles everywhere. We kiss again while he caresses me. I grind against him, our breaths coming faster. He lowers to my breasts again, teasing with the edge of his teeth. I reach for the button on his pants. He helps, then breaks away to slide my leggings off, leaving nothing between us.
He cups my bottom and urges me back to his lap. With one hand on his cock, he glides into place. The thickness of him against where I’m pulsing and eager makes me crazy. I arch to meet him, and he slowly thrusts inside.
He cradles the back of my neck, drawing me to him for a desperate, hungry kiss. His tongue swirls with mine as his gorgeous cock stretches me, filling me so perfectly. He rocks his body firmly to meet mine, driving that final inch, tapping the heart of me.
I rise and fall against him, our pace slow and sensual as we kiss and touch, the light inside of me coming alive, spinning out of control. Our eyes lock in the darkness, and what I see tightens the trepidation and longing inside me.
“I need you,” he says, his voice raw with emotion.
I kiss him but my lips tremble. With his hands in my hair and his body so beautifully in tune with mine, he’s going to devour me. Swallow me whole. What happens to me if I let him ?
“Say you need me too.” The edge in his voice turns my heart upside down.
With a sob, I wrap my arms around him. “I need you.”
He caresses down my back and cradles my waist. “Yes. Fuck. Say it again.”
“I need you,” I choke out.
I let it all go, surrendering to the knife edge of joy and hurt slicing through me. He caresses me, murmuring praises, our chests rising and falling together as everything cracks open between us. Yearning. Fear. Joy. Love.
I come with a cry with Zach’s arms around me and his quickening breaths in my ear. With a groan, he holds me tight, pulsing deep inside me.
The day of Zach’s flight is overcast and windy, but our little airport reports no delays or cancellations. I walk him to the security entrance, and he drops his bag so he can hug me.
I told myself I wouldn’t cry but the tears come anyway, hot and hard. Zach holds me for a long time, rubbing my back, his big, strong arms so steady. I savor the trust we’ve created, the love we’ve shared, and try to let go of what’s still on the table—the things we haven’t said.
“Don’t say goodbye,” I manage.
“Keep my heart safe,” he whispers, his lips caressing my ear.
I squeeze him harder. The selfish part of me wants to beg him to stay. But the brave part of me is proud of him for leaving.
He sets me on my feet, and I let him go. We share one last kiss. It’s tender, his lips so soft. I memorize the way he lingers just a second longer, and then his eyes open, flashing me with that intense, otherworldly blue, and he smiles.
I watch him breeze through security, and then he’s gone.
I can’t sleep without Zach. Under the covers in my lonely bed, while the wind whispers in the trees and the heat whooshes from the baseboard, I try to hold onto the memories of us.
Zach texted me that he arrived safely, and we text daily, but it gets harder and harder to feel anything. We FaceTimed on Thanksgiving morning, but I was busy cooking and getting everything ready for our gathering, so it felt rushed. Or maybe I wanted it that way so he wouldn’t see how miserable I am.
In the next room, Jesse and Neve talk in soft murmurs late into the night, which turns to muffled moans and sighs in synch with his bed squeaking. I cover my head with a pillow, but there’s still a trace of Zach’s scent.
A week after Thanksgiving, I’m getting ready for a breakfast date with Ava and Kirilee at Glory Holes, when I nearly run into Jesse carrying a cup of coffee to the dining room.
“Morning,” he says with a smile.
I give the laptop open on the dining room table a curious glance. “Morning. You’re up early.”
“I’m submitting Winter Games to the Silver Spur Film Festival.”
“That’s great, Jess!”
He smiles. It’s his genuine smile, the one that’s not a cover for emotions he doesn’t know how to share. The one that makes his eyes sparkle.
A sense of calm washes through me. Since we left the hospital, he’s been around more, and he seems… settled somehow. More present.
“I got the insurance settlement,” he says, bringing his coffee cup to his lips.
Right. The CJ-7 is a classic car and Jesse put a lot of work into it. The extra insurance policy was Dad’s idea, but I didn’t know Jesse had actually signed up until after the accident.
“I want you to have it,” he says.
I blink at him. “What?”
He sets his coffee on the counter and rests his hands on my shoulders. His face turns serious, and my empty gut starts vibrating.
“You’ve given up so much for us.” He swallows hard and inhales a shaky breath. “I’ve been selfish, Sofie. I’m sorry. ”
I huff a breath. My mind is whirring with questions. I want to ask how we got here. Have I been so consumed in my misery that I missed him figuring shit out?
“You should keep the money,” I say. He could use it for new equipment or classes or even to live on while he focuses on filmmaking.
He shakes his head. “You’ve always supported my dreams. It’s my turn to support yours.”
I swallow the lump in my throat. Here’s the brother I remember. The one who bandaged my knees when I crashed my five-speed and who pushed me on the swings at the park without complaint. The one who took me for milkshakes after school and made me laugh.
“What about L.A.?”
“This is where I want to be right now. L.A. will be there if I change my mind.”
“You’re sure?” I manage.
He pulls me into a hug, and I slide my arms around him. His body feels stronger than I remember. More solid.
After a soft squeeze, he steps back. “There’s enough you could do some traveling, too. I hear Alaska’s northern lights are the shizdizzle this time of year.”
“You trying to get rid of me?” I joke because he might as well have stepped on my heart.
With a thoughtful gleam in his eye, he grabs his coffee and turns away. “Just sayin’ you got options.”
When I get to Glory Holes, the cloud of sweet warmth is welcoming, but it’s like I’ve forgotten how to appreciate the little things. Or maybe it makes me miss Zach all over again because I never got a chance to bring him here.
Ava waves me over from a table in the corner.
“I ordered us a full Glory for now but we can order more,” she says after hugging me. “I’ve been up since four.”
Ava doesn’t have sleep issues, ever, so something’s up. “You okay?”
She slides a plain white envelope across the table .
I turn it over to the return address. University of San Francisco School of Medicine Admissions . “Oof. Is this what I think it is?”
Ava squeezes her eyes shut. “It came yesterday but I couldn’t open it and now I’m too scared or maybe I’ve had too much coffee trying to psych myself up.”
Kirilee arrives and hurries over. After we share hugs, her gaze lands on the white envelope. “Ohhhh.”
“Open it for me,” Ava says, squeezing her face with her palms.
Kirilee and I share a look. She scoots the envelope to me.
“Okay, here goes.” I flip the back seal open and peer inside. If the envelope is thin, is that a good sign for medical schools, or is that only for college? After I remove the pages of thick paper, I unfold them in my lap. The top one is a letter from the admissions department.
Kirilee leans in to read with me.
Tears prick my eyes. I reach for Ava’s hand and squeeze. “Ready?”
“It’s bad, isn’t it?” she gushes. “I didn’t get in. It’s okay. I can re-apply. Or maybe I’ll get my second choice.”
“Ave,” I say slowly. “Take a breath.”
She obeys. “Okay. I’m ready.”
“You got in.”
Her eyes pop open. Her gaze flits from mine to Kirilee’s, as if she needs to see it on our faces to believe it. “I did?”
Kirilee points to the letter. “Says so right here.”
Ava jumps up, squealing. “I got in! I got in!”
Kirilee and I leap from our chairs, and the three of us hug and jump around, squealing and high-fiving.
“One of you win the lottery?” someone asks.
“She got into UCSF Medical School!” Kirilee shouts, and we start screaming all over again.
From the line of patrons comes a soft applause that spreads, growing louder. People at the tables rise to their feet and the applause turns thunderous, with hoots and whistles.
Ava is bright red and flustered by the time the noise settles. “Thank you,” she says to the room, giving a shy wave before settling back in her seat .
Nate delivers our order and gives Ava a high five. “This one’s on us, honey. We’re so proud of you.”
Ava gives him an earnest smile and wipes the corners of her eyes. “Thank you.”
We dig in. I go for a plain donut hole, dipping it in my coffee while Ava shares her plan. She starts in August, but she wants to visit in the spring. Kirilee has been all over the world and leaps into her top ten sights in San Francisco. While they banter about cable car rides and Alcatraz, my mind drifts. What is Zach doing right now? How is the custody case going?
“Wait, back up,” Ava says, frowning at Kirilee. “You don’t even like him.”
“Whoa, what’d I miss?” I say, snapping back to the conversation.
Kirilee twitches her lips. “My parents are sending me and Eric on a cruise this summer.”
“Just the two of you?”
“Yeah.”
“It’s not like you have to go,” Ava says, sipping her coffee. Though we all know Kirilee doesn’t stand a chance against her domineering father.
“Same cabin?” I ask.
Her cheeks flush. “God, no.”
“You could just plan to be seasick the whole time. Bring some really great books.”
Kirilee laughs. “That’s a good backup plan. At least he’s not as bad as McLain.”
Ava and I groan.
Kirilee pops a donut hole into her mouth. “What’s happening in the case against Dustin and Kai?”
I swallow a gulp of coffee. “They are both being charged with trafficking, but Dustin’s case is more serious.” Neve admitted to buying from Kai the night she overdosed, but I don’t know Kai’s side of the story. Did he not know what he was selling? Or did he mix what Dustin gave him with fentanyl to make his product even more addictive—and deadly?
“Did they get who else is involved?” Kirilee asks .
“I don’t know,” I say. I should probably care more, but the energy required just isn’t there. “They towed away the trailer, though.” I suppress a shudder. The crime scene techs found traces of all kinds of things in there.
Ava’s eyes fill with compassion. “That’s good.”
Kirilee covers my hand with hers. “Now that your dad got that poacher, the woods are officially safe again.”
“So smart of him tracking people across social media,” Ava adds before blowing on her coffee and taking a sip.
“He had some help from the forensic guys in Brinnon.” I’m relieved Dad cracked the case, and I’m especially grateful Gabe wasn’t involved.
“What’s the latest from Zach?” Kirilee asks.
I try to smile. “He and William are having a lot of fun together.”
“He misses you, though, right?” Ava asks.
“Yeah.” My friends can likely hear the waver in my voice. See the doubt behind my smile.
“I think we should plan a trip together,” Kirilee says.
“To Alaska?” I ask, horrified.
She laughs. “No, someplace fun. Maybe after Christmas?”
My two friends share a look.
“That’s a great idea.” I remember Zach’s encouragement to spend New Year’s Eve with someone who cares about me. I wish I felt proud of myself for accepting my friends’ invitation. Spending New Year’s with them is a great idea.
But I can’t help thinking about Zach. In that moment, I had clung to the idea of spending that night with him.