20. Felix
TWENTY
FELIX
As expected, when Hayworth picks me up on Friday night we have our usual audience. It’s quite sweet how invested they are in my dates with Hayworth considering they lose interest after five minutes of anything else, be it a chore or a hobby.
“How have they been?” he asks when we’re in the clear. “Are they settling in all right?”
I turn to him expecting to find sarcasm or a playfulness in his tone but he’s serious. Casual. As if he’s genuinely interested in the answer.
“They’re fine. They’re making friends. They’re doing well at school. Elsa is sleeping through the night. It’s all going very well.”
“I’m glad to hear it. Maplewood is a great place to grow up in.”
“What’s up with you?” I ask him with a suspicious stare he doesn’t fail to notice.
“What do you mean?”
“Why are you being… normal ?”
He bursts into laughter. “I didn’t realize I wasn’t normal.”
“You are, it’s just…I don’t know. After that night I thought you’d be a horndog who’s only interested in getting in my pants. Again.”
Hayworth stops laughing and throws a smirk my way. “I can be both, can’t I?”
“I suppose,” I tell him and drop the subject. “So where are we going?”
He shrugs and turns onto a country road, which makes me frown. “Well you did so well at the cooking class, I thought you’d love some release.”
I inspect our surroundings that get more and more deserted, replaced by trees, dirt and snow.
“Are you planning to murder me in the woods?”
He shakes his head, biting his lips. “Nah. Too many witnesses.”
“Hayworth! Don’t joke right now. I barely know you.”
“Relax! I’m just taking you to the Smash Bus.”
“The what?” I all but choke, a laugh threatening to spill out of me without my consent.
“The Smash Bus. It’s my little pet project.”
“Sure it is,” I chuckle but he doesn’t elaborate so I keep my mouth shut and my eyes on the road in case I need to find my way back on foot, which is a lost cause already because I’m hopeless with directions.
A few minutes later he comes to a stop in front of a big bus at the edge of the forest. Its wheels are gone but there are sturdy metal wheel stands keeping it upright and in place. The windows are covered and the whole exterior is graffitied within an inch of its life. A sign in front of it reads Smash Bus and something else but the lettering is too small to read in the dark.
“What do you think?” He grins.
I wrinkle my nose. “Definitely not what I imagined. Are you sure you’re not murdering me tonight?”
Hayworth drops his hands to his sides and sighs. “I wish you’d stop joking about that!”
I shrug. “You’re not helping the situation. Quite a grim setting for our second fake date.” It didn’t hurt reminding him that we weren’t really seeing each other.
“You’re so impatient,” he says and takes something out of his pocket and approaches the bus door.
It’s a key and he inserts it into a lock before pushing the door open and offering me his hand.
As soon as I step in, lights come on, illuminating the interior of the bus and I freeze in awe.
Like the outside, the inside is graffitied too, but there are no seats. There’s a red velvet love seat broken in half, a bedside table missing a leg with a lamp sitting on top. Strips of paper and hearts are hanging from the ceiling as well as some heart-shaped cushions and other Valentine paraphernalia.
There’s also a whole bunch of roses in one corner and several love-themed plushies in the other one. The rest of the space is littered with strips of wood, and other appliances like microwaves, toasters, an old TV and a full set of hammers. On the side, on the driver’s seat, there’s a hanger with a number of hazmat suits and helmets with goggles along the dashboard.
“What is this?” I ask.
“What else do you think?” he answers and puts his hand around the small of my back making the skin underneath hotter than the rest of my body. “It’s the Smash Bus.”
I turn to stare at him. He’s so close. Dangerously close, I can almost taste him. His fragrance infiltrates my nose and sends a liquid warmth all over my body.
“A rage room but in a bus. After you told me your story last time and considering how well you acted at the cooking class, I thought you might want to smash some shit. Take out any anger for your ex on this place.”
“Oh…” I gasp and manage to peel my eyes off him. “That’s a different kind of smash. When you said release I thought you meant of a… different kind.”
I slide my fingers up his chest, around his neck and bite my lip. Hayworth turns toward me, leaning into my touch and wraps both arms around me.
“We can do that too,” he says and dips his head.
I brace myself for a kiss but instead he licks me from my chin to my lips and makes me growl with a throbbing need that bursts inside me.
“So…” I say. “What do I do?” I pull away from his arms and turn to face the Smash Bus.
“Safety first,” he says with a smirk and hands me a hazmat suit.
I take it from him and put it on. He stands behind me to zip me up and I do the same with him before we put on goggles and helmets, grab a hammer each and go to town.
I pay particular attention to anything that can shatter. It might be loud but every time my hammer clashes with glass or metal I get this burst of energy inside me and it spurs me on. It feeds a side of me I’ve suppressed for so long for the girls’ benefit. A part of me I’ve never let show.
I’m angry. I’m just…angry. I thought I’d found my forever man and not only was he not it, he turned into my worst nightmare instead. I get Mark not wanting to be with me after my transition. I get him not wanting to be in a gay relationship because he’s always seen himself as a straight man. But for my sweet, wonderful and considerate husband to turn into a hateful, toxic monster? That I can’t take. I can’t understand. It’s not fair. It’s just not fair.
Then again, maybe it would hurt more if he’d just accepted my transition but parted ways with me. Because then I’d still be in love with him even though he wasn’t.
I don’t know. I don’t know what’s worse. I don’t know what’s fair. What I do know is this…it’s helping.
I stomp on the roses, gut a plushie or two, bash the heart cushion like a pinata and when I stop for water and air I feel…like a new man.
“How does it feel?” he asks, standing next to me just outside the bus with the top half of the suit hanging off his waist and his helmet and goggles in his hand.
“It…I don’t know. It feels good,” I say and look around us at the trees growing tall. The eerie silence of nature at nighttime.
“I knew you’d be a natural.” He rests a hand on my shoulder and it’s as if he’s thrown a match to gasoline.
I turn toward him and put a hand around his neck. My other hand goes straight to his crotch.
“I don’t think I’m done releasing…” I whisper and kiss those gorgeous plump lips as his cock grows bigger against my hand.
He drops the helmet and goggles to the ground and wraps his arms around my waist but he wastes no time in sliding them down my ass cheeks as we deepen the kiss and with it, the fire blazing inside me.
I push him back until he’s pinned against the outside of the bus, and put my hands to work, pushing the suit off his waist and then doing the same with his pants.
While I’m busy getting him naked, he unzips my suit and strips it off as if he’s angry at it being in the way and he undoes my jeans with sharp, forceful gestures.
It’s not long before both our butts are exposed to the Maplewood winter cold but neither of us are feeling the bite. Not when the heat inside us and between us, could melt all of our surroundings.
“I need you, Hayworth. I need you inside me.”
Hayworth bites my lower lip and slaps his dick against mine with a hungry groan. “I want to fuck you so badly,” he growls.
I kiss him again and put my hand in my back pocket. I retrieve the condom I’ve slipped in there just in case and when I pull back from the kiss I put it in front of his face.
He snatches it out of my hands, bites the foil with his teeth and rips it open before I yank it away from him and put it on him.
Our moves are so erratic, so desperate we’re panting harder than we did after half an hour of smashing shit in the bus, but now I know that was the prelude. That was the shot of adrenaline and this…this is the whole damn show.
Once the condom is on I rub his head against my dick, slide him between my legs and tease him by pressing him against my bonus hole.
“I want you to fuck my front hole, then fuck my back hole then come all over my face. Think you can swing that?” Even I don’t recognize my own voice. It’s so low, so desperate and needy it feels like a whole new person.
A person I absolutely love.
“You are going to drive me crazy, aren’t you?” He growls and I reply by allowing him to push inside me and we both gasp on impact. “Fuck!” He lets out a cry, but I drown it with my mouth.
He puts both hands under my ass and lifts me off the ground. I wrap my legs around his hips, allowing more of his length deeper. He’s so large it steals my breath away and it’s several moments before I’m able to think again let alone inhale and exhale like a normal person.
My body is engulfed by flames and I can’t think nor act straight so I leave it up to him to claim my body, to fuck me into oblivion and help me reach the dirty salvation I’ve been starved of my entire life.
He turns us around, pushing me against the bus and with the extra support he’s able to jerk in and out of me with more ease.
“You’re so tight, baby. I don’t know if I can last,” he whispers in my ear, sending goose bumps down my side and back.
“I…I’ll…I’ll allow it, but you still have to keep your promise and fuck every hole in my body.”
He growls and bites the side of my neck. A moan escapes me that’s so loud, it echoes across the empty field.
“You’re going to be my undoing, aren’t you?” he pants and takes a moment to look me in the eyes.
I don’t answer him. I simply trap his bottom lip between my teeth and keep his gaze on me as he pushes inside me. I feel every thrust, every inch, every breath. Every sensation within me is numb from the overwhelming feelings inside and around me and yet I manage to keep on task and keep his eyes pinned to me.
He stares at me as if there’s nobody else. Like we’re the only two people on Earth. As if I’m his whole world and I’ll be damned if a boy can’t get drunk on that feeling alone.
I free a hand from around his neck and slide it down between us. I trap my cock between my fingers and rub myself as he fucks me without a sign of slowing down. And when my moans build to a crescendo I can’t tame, he takes over, fucking me with his cock and fucking me with his hand until my desire bursts like a bubble and it sends me flying high above.
My eyes roll back and my breath becomes ragged and coarse but he doesn’t stop. I don’t want him to stop. I don’t want him to ever stop doing what he’s doing to me.
He watches me with a fire in his gaze that threatens to light me up all over again but before it does, his jaw drops, his eyes flutter and his body twinges and he fills me right up.
I match him moan for moan, gasp for gasp until his body sags and his hold on me softens.
“Damn condoms,” I whisper when my feet are firmly on the ground again.
“Damn condoms indeed.” He rests his head on my shoulder and takes deep, long breaths trying to compose himself again.
“I’ve never smoked but I feel like I need a cigarette,” I say and he laughs.
“I can do you one better,” he says and it’s not long before we’re sitting in his car with the windows down sharing a joint between us.
“Gosh. I haven’t done this since college.”
“Be serious,” he says and stares at me.
“What? I was a good boy.”
“Really? Because you’re most definitely not a good boy.”
“I know,” I say. “I feel so slutty since I met you.”
“Hey!” He pushes me away and I can’t help but laugh.
“It’s not a bad thing.”
“It’s not?”
I shake my head. “All my life I felt like I was trapped. First in my body. Then in my marriage. Then in society. I’ve been so busy trying to survive that I haven’t lived. You make me feel…” I hesitate. I don’t know if I should say this or not. I don’t know how he’ll take it but he hangs on to my every word. “Alive. You make me feel alive.”
I brace myself for his reaction but it’s only a grin. That’s less scary than I thought it’d be. “You make me feel alive too.”
I scoff at him. “Right!”
“It’s true!”
“How is that possible? You get some dick every chance you get.”
“Is that what you think?” he asks.
“Well, aren’t you?”
He opens his mouth to say something but seems to change his mind and he just shrugs and takes a hit to cover up his silence. Then he passes the joint to me.
“Do you…” he starts but stops, giving me a chance to take a puff. “Do you think what we’re doing is okay?”
I frown. “Did I…did I do something wrong? It feels like we’re doing it right.”
He chuckles but his smile fades quickly. “No. I mean…this fake dating thing. We’re doing it for your girls but…do you think that’s right? Isn’t what we’re doing going to end up in disappointment when we…stop doing this?”
A shiver goes through me. I don’t want to stop doing this with him. It’s like he’s helped me find my sexuality again and it would feel like a sin to just…stop.
“They’ve been through so much,” I say. “Their dad has given them nightmares. I think seeing their poppy in love… fake love ,” I rush to add. “I don’t think it can hurt them. They deserve a little happiness even if it’s short-lived. Besides, you don’t know them. They moved on from interest to interest like it’s going out of fashion. Once this Season of Love festival is over they’ll go back to being little demons fighting over everything and they’ll forget we ever were a thing.”
He studies me for a few moments and he only breaks eye contact when I pass him the joint, which is when he says: “What if they think I’ll be their new daddy?”
I laugh.
“What?” He laughs, too.
“I think they’ll survive.”
“I’m being serious,” he says.
“Me too. Do you know how many guys they’ve tried to get me to go out with? Before you it was Caspian, the guy from Special Blend.”
He frowns.
“Don’t worry. Nothing happened. He was already in a will-they won’t-they with another guy. Anyway, before him it was another guy, a neighbor, before that it was my lawyer. They just…I think it’s less about needing a new daddy and more about seeing me happy. They think me having a boyfriend is what’s going to make me happy. That’s all.”
He stares at me with a deep, meaningful gaze that I could interpret as something it’s not but knowing him I don’t want to.
“They’re young and innocent. They don’t know boyfriends are the devil incarnate,” he huffs after a moment and laughs but his expression turns serious again.
I laugh too but I can’t help but feel a twist in my stomach. As if I hate that he feels that way. As if…as if I want him to be more than a fake date.
But that’s just bullshit.
This isn’t real. We’re not boyfriends. We’re not dating. We’re just…fucking.
“By the way,” I say and find the lever that pulls the seat back, “You promised to fill me. Are you up to the task, sailor?”
Hayworth watches me for a moment and then he smirks. “Aye aye, Captain,” he answers and throws the joint out the window and comes to feast on me.