Chapter 35
Avery
I have a photo gallery in the stairwell of my house. Tonight, Nic has taken it upon herself to study it intently. She doesn’t ask me who’s who—although she may recognize a couple of famous faces. And Stella and Sienna, of course.
After she’s scoured the pictures like she’s in a museum studying important pieces of art, she joins me at the bottom of the stairs, and asks, “Who in these pictures are members of your family?”
“Depends what you mean by family,” I say.
“The people who raised you,” Nic says—her tone definitely more therapist than girlfriend.
“They’re not in these pictures,” I say. “This is more memories of me here, in LA.”
“Do you have any pictures of your family?”
“Um, no.”
“Is there a reason for that?” Nic asks.
“Is this therapy all of a sudden?” I notice the edge in my voice I’m unable to suppress.
“No, Avery. I can ask you a perfectly reasonable question, can’t I?”
“You can, but it will always sound a bit like therapy to me.” I don’t feel like talking about my family.
I’ll save that for a future session with Jan.
I know just what to do to steer this mildly annoying conversation in a different direction.
I get up and stand in front of Nic. We’re already at the bottom of the stairs. My bedroom is so close.
“I’m your girlfriend, and I’d like to get to know you better,” Nic says matter-of-factly.
I extend my hands, and she takes them in hers, but she doesn’t allow me to pull her up.
“My family is just… I don’t even know how to explain it.”
“Will you try? For me?” Nic looks up at me with her big brown eyes.
“Now?” I tug at her hands again. “Because I have something far better in mind for us than talking about my family.” I send her my most seductive smile.
“You can’t smile at me like that every time I try to start a more serious conversation.”
I drop her hands and heave a dramatic sigh. But I guess it’s my bad for never having had a serious relationship and then starting one with my therapist.
“We’re not close.” I shrug. “I make sure my mom is comfortable, and no longer has to worry about money.”
“Okay.” Nic pushes herself up, takes my hand, and leads me to the couch. “That’s very generous of you.”
“She’s my mother. It’s what you do.”
“Not necessarily,” Nic says. “Especially if you’re not close.”
“She took care of me when I was little; now I’m taking care of her.”
“It sounds so… transactional.” Nic tries to find my gaze, but I won’t let her. Because I’m not enjoying this.
“I guess it is. As I said before, we never talked about feelings. We were too busy trying to survive.”
“What about your father?”
“He left when I was little. I barely remember him.” I shake my head. “I’m not supporting him financially. Only my mom.”
“I’m sorry to hear that, babe,” Nic says.
“There’s no need to be sorry. I’m obviously fine.”
“If you say so.” I’m not sure I like Nic’s tone.
“What does that mean?” I ask.
“This is not therapy. I’m just trying to find out some things about you that partners know about each other.
But we did meet in therapy. We had a few sessions.
They haven’t been magically erased from my memory, so when you claim you’re fine, I’m pretty sure you’re not being honest with me—and yourself. ”
“Oh, fuck. No.” I slowly shake my head. “I’m not doing this.”
“Doing what?”
“Being therapized by you under the guise of getting to know me better.”
“There is no guise,” Nic says, her voice infuriatingly calm. “This is what a relationship is like. You ask each other questions in order to get to know each other.”
“Maybe that’s why I don’t do relationships,” I blurt out.
“That’s probably the most honest thing you’ve said all night.” Nic turns to me, the soft smile on her lips too warm for my liking because it’s so hard to argue with. “But we are in a relationship.”
“I know, but… why can’t we just be in a relationship without—I don’t know.” I shrug like a moody teen would. “All of this. Why can’t it just be fun. We’re supposed to be in the fun stage when all we do is have sex and make each other laugh.”
“You picked the wrong woman to be with for that,” Nic says and instead of irritating me it does the opposite, which is rather puzzling.
“Ugh, why were you my therapist?”
“That’s the wrong question to ask, babe,” Nic says. She smirks at me now while she shuffles closer. “I’m not going to push you tonight, but that doesn’t mean I won’t ask you again.” She tilts her head. “Because I’m in love with you and I want to know everything about you.”
“Speaking of therapy,” I say, yielding a touch already. “You know what I talk most about with Jan?”
Nic shakes her head. She can’t know because I haven’t been very forthcoming about my sessions with my new shrink.
“About my fear of fucking this up. Us. Because I don’t really know how this works. I’m not someone who opens up easily to another person. I like to keep my shit to myself. It’s who I am or, well, who I’ve become, I guess.”
“You’re scared?” Nic asks, her voice as soft as the pads of her fingers brushing against my wrist.
“Fucking terrified,” I admit, despite how vulnerable it makes me feel. Whereas I excel at playing vulnerable on set, in real life, I’m not a big fan. I prefer strong and unshakable—and shoving guys in bars.
“That’s okay. This is scary. For me as well.
” Her gaze finds mine. “The whole how-we-met debacle aside…” She nods slowly.
“To fall in love with someone is always a little scary. To let someone in like that. To give up the control you’ve always been used to.
To find out if you’re even compatible… It’s a lot. ”
“Good thing it’s also a whole lot of fun.” I slide my palms up Nic’s thighs. “And very hot.”
“I’m not going to let you push me away,” Nic whispers.
“Okay.” I slant toward Nic until my lips brush her ear. “Are you going to let me fuck you?”
“Countless times,” Nic replies. “But not now.”
I jut out my bottom lip like a toddler being refused their favorite piece of candy—that’s kind of how it feels.
“We can just sit here and feel what we feel,” Nic says. “Without having to change the situation.” Nic’s grin contradicts her words because it’s way too sexy. “You can fuck me later.”
“When is later?” Sometimes, I really can’t help myself. “I have a breakfast meeting tomorrow and it’s close enough to bedtime.”
“We can go to bed,” Nic says. “I have a busy day tomorrow as well.”
I also can’t help but feel a little guilty whenever Nic references her job. She only has a few days left before her practice closes down. I can only hope that, once she’s no longer licensed to practice, she won’t take all her therapy energy out on me.
“We can go to bed and just lie there,” I say.
“I think it’s called sleep,” Nic jokes. “Let’s go upstairs and see how it goes.”
We walk upstairs without saying anything. I’m not really used to silence meaning something other than boredom or passive aggression.
In the doorway of my bedroom, I pause like I’m waiting for stage direction. This is the part where I usually take my clothes off and make everything easier—and fun.
We brush our teeth side by side like we’re an old married couple.
I pull on a T-shirt because I do feel like I need some protection.
I’m not sure I can handle just lying next to Nic naked without touching her—or if I can fall asleep like that.
Nic doesn’t seem to have the same issues.
She hops into what has become her side of the bed stark naked.
“Come here,” she says and opens her arm to me. The space for me in the crook of her shoulder looks very inviting. I cradle my head against her.
“I’m going to ask you a question that will most likely drive you crazy,” Nic says.
“Good thing I’m seeing a shrink.”
Nic continues unperturbed. “How do you feel lying here with me like this?”
Inside my head, the struggle is real. Because what I want to do more than anything is wrap my lips around her nipple, but it also kind of feels like there’s no space for what I really want right now.
“Conflicted,” I say, truthfully.
“About?”
“How much I want to kiss you right now.”
“Take a breath,” Nic says. “Just feel whatever you feel. You don’t have to share it with me, but just… feel it.”
How I hate to be told what to feel. Although, perhaps, that’s not what this is. Indeed, part of me knows very well that’s not what this is. It’s only what I like to make of it.
“It’s okay.” Nic holds me a little tighter. “I think it’s lovely to just lie here with you.”
I let out a long breath so Nic knows I’m trying—and I am.
This kind of intimacy is so not who I am.
But her skin is warm against my cheek and it’s also somehow soothing to lie here with her, not thinking about anything in particular.
To know I’m perfectly safe. Nothing bad will happen if I’m not constantly in motion.
If I just let whatever I’m feeling, including the things I’ve always tried very hard not to feel, pass by and drift into nothing.
Maybe therapy is rubbing off on me after all.
And even though it’s totally different—the opposite, really—it also reminds me of the time we had sex and Nic completely topped me. Another first for me. Maybe she’s just really good for me. Maybe I won’t push her away. I hope so, because this I do feel: Dr. Nicola Forbes is a keeper.
I let my eyes fall shut and focus on the rhythm of her breath against my ear. I don’t overthink it, nor do I try to turn this moment into something else.
I just let myself be held until I fall asleep.