16. Chapter 16
Chapter 16
Riley
I dreamed about our hike. In this version Matt traced the lines of my tattoos with his lips. He had stood in the water with his hand rubbing over the ink on my ribs just like he’d done in real life, only this time he’d closed the distance between us. I didn’t care about how my body looked or what he thought of it. His mouth against mine had been electric and soft, flooding me with the same sense of being home that his touch did. There were no rules, and all my fears were gone.
We fell asleep in my bed, him whispering good night in my ear. I could feel his body wrapped around mine holding me close. His arm around my stomach pulled me closer, squeezing hard enough to send a jolt of pain across my lower abdomen.
I jolted awake with another cramp clenching my abdomen shooting making my head spin. The feel of dream Matt’s body against mine and the ghost of his scent still lingered as my senses struggled to catch up. I reached for my phone as I curled into a ball, clutching my stomach as another cramp hit me.
Yesterday I felt bloated during our hike, a detail that rattled my already precarious self image when the time came to let Matt see me in nothing but a swimsuit for the first time. According to my tracking app my period was right on time based on the data I had been diligently entering for the past year. Yet somehow it always caught me by surprise. Why did my body have to give me such a harsh reminder that I was doing a great job at taking care of it? I’d much rather be told, “Hell yeah, you’re doing such a great job being healthy and balancing your hormones! Here’s a gold star.”
My phone buzzed with the sound of my alarm as the realization that today would be the first time I would have to teach on the first day of my period, the pain was intense enough my thoughts weren’t able to spiral about the dream I’d been woken up from. The first day was always the worst, not because of the bleeding, but because of the intense cramps that made me feel like something was cutting its way out of me along with the nausea triggered by them. The intensity would dull some tomorrow, enough to be just severe but not debilitating. Through years of trial and error I had discovered the combination of menstrual discs and menstrual underwear to handle the heavy bleeding. The discs were a more comfortable alternative to a menstrual cup that could be worn for a full work day, which worked well for the limited restroom breaks I had, and the underwear absorbent enough to prevent any leakage from staining my clothes. When I worked as a sub, I always opted not to take on anything the day my period started, though during that time it had been few and far between. It was only in the last few months that we were able to get my cycles regulated even if they still ran long.
Matt’s picture popped up on my phone as it vibrated with an incoming call. I smiled as best as I could through the pain as I answered.
“Good morning, beautiful,” he said in his husky morning voice. He had been calling me to tell me good morning for a week now instead of texting. It had started when we fell asleep on a late-night call and woke up to find the connection still going. In my early morning sleepy haze, I had told him that starting my day hearing his voice made me happy and he had agreed.
“Good morning,” I gritted out through another cramp.
“Are you okay?” he asked, his voice switching from sleepy to fully awake in an instant.
I tried to steady my voice and shifted to sitting on the edge of my bed. “Yeah, it’s just…um…bad cramps. I need to get up and deal with them so I can get my day started.”
I stood and moved to pull the basket from my closet that I had dubbed my period kit. It was filled with both reusable and disposable discs, menstrual underwear, overnight emergency pads, Midol, nausea meds, a microwave heat pack, and sticky heat patches. I also kept an emergency stash of dark chocolate at the bottom. I shifted to hold my phone between the side of my head and shoulder as I pulled out everything I would need for the day.
“Anything I can do to help?”
“Not really, I have everything I need.”
The only sounds coming from Matt were the sounds of him moving around getting ready for the day. I could picture the way his face must be scrunched in thought, the way he would be running his hands through his hair. I could practically hear the gears turning in his brain.
“Are you thinking about all the things you’re going to bring over later anyways?” I asked him.
He stayed silent.
“Matt, I promise I don’t need anything. I’m going to go to work, go to therapy, and then come home and watch a sad movie until I fall asleep on the couch because period exhaustion is no joke.”
“Are you sure? Anything you need I can –”
“You can come over if you want, but I’m not going to be any fun. I promise I don’t need anything.”
“Okay, okay, I’ll see you after school.”
***
Tears blurred my vision as I pulled into the driveway and saw Matt’s car already there, because of course he was. Even though he knew I would be getting home later today, I was willing to bet that he had left school and raced over as soon as the students were gone. Today was my first therapy appointment and I promised Emery I wouldn’t cancel, even when having it on the first day of my period felt like cruel torture. I stopped by the store on my way home for crackers, bananas, and Gatorade. A handful of dark chocolate bars also found their way into my basket. The nausea had been worse than I expected, and I had barely managed to eat anything all day, which only made things worse.
The comforting smell of Emery’s chili flooded my nose as I opened the door. It was the first thing I had smelled all day that didn’t make me immediately gag, probably because it had been such a staple comfort food in our house growing up. The AC blasted making the house feel like a refrigerator compared to the end of summer heat wave outside. Matt sat on the couch, his elbows resting on his knees and his hands rubbing together. He had pillows and blankets covering almost all of the couch. My heat pack lay next to him and a steaming thermos cup of what I assumed was tea sat on the coffee table with a metal straw. He jumped up before I could make it all the way through the door. I dropped my work tote and the grocery bag by my feet as the tears rolled down my face.
Matt’s arms wrapped around me. “Happy or sad?” he asked me. His fingers combed through the curls around my face, massaging my scalp as he pressed a kiss to the top of my head. I pressed my face against his shoulder, inhaling his scent as I let my body relax against him. “I don’t know.” I tensed as a cramp tightened my abdomen, Matt’s arms squeezing around me tighter as I did.
“Don’t touch the thermostat,” Emery yelled from the kitchen. “It’s September and I want chili. I’m over this heat.”
“Em, it’s still summer for a couple more weeks. You’re going to freeze up the AC having it set this low.” My voice was muffled against Matt, and I knew she didn’t hear me.
“Don’t ruin her fun,” Matt said to me.
I pulled back and rolled my eyes. “You’re supposed to be on my side.”
“I talked her out of putting up the fall decorations. The first thing she did when I walked in was ask me to get them out of the attic.” It was surprising to me that she had asked for his help at all. Typically Emery would have had the decorations covering the house before the end of August. The décor used to be stored in my room before I moved in with her so maybe that was the problem. Emery had always stressed that me taking the spare room wasn’t an imposition but I couldn’t help the guilt at the possibility of me being in that space being the reason she hadn’t decorated yet.
I forced a laugh, then winced when another cramp hit me. “I’m going to go change,” I said with a hand clutching my stomach.
He reached for the bags I had dropped. “I’ll be right here. I have your heat pack ready to go and Emery made you some sort of tea concoction. I think she put three different kinds in there. Do you want me to find a sad movie for us to watch?”
More tears streamed down my face, and I swiped them away with the backs of my hands. Stupid hormones. All I could do was nod softly. It was one thing to have my sister here to take care of me on days like today, a favor I always returned during her period, and a whole other thing to have Matt here. Not only was he here without me having to ask, but he had followed all of Emery’s instructions to help me. I was willing to bet that he had asked her to tell him what to do.
I changed into loose sweatpants and an oversized t-shirt and pulled my hair up into a messy bun before I removed the makeup that hadn’t already been washed away from my tears. I tried not to look too long at my reflection in the mirror knowing that my face was puffy and red from the combination of my period and crying. The fresh flowers on the bathroom counter pulled a few more tears from me.
Matt pulled me onto the couch in a spooning position once I returned to the living room. He piled pillows under us enough that I could still sit up to drink what Emery referred to as her period potion – a mix of green, ginger, and cinnamon teas – before tucking an arm around me to hold the heat pack in place.
“I promise I’m not like this every day of my period,” I told him as I settled back against him.
“I wouldn’t care if you are. I just hate that you’re in pain.”
“I’m a mess.”
“I like messy you.”
“Ewww,” Emery yelled from the kitchen. “I’m going to my room. The chili needs to simmer for a little while.”
I sipped my tea to hide my laugh. “What movie are we watching?”
“Well, we have two options. Do you want to go with a sad Disney movie or something a little different?”
I sipped more of the tea while I weighed the options. My eyes already felt heavy, and I knew no matter what I picked I wouldn’t make it through. Disney would be the best option. I had seen them all a million times so it wouldn’t matter if I fell asleep, but I was intrigued to know what the other option he offered was.
“Let’s go with something a little different, but I’m not promising to stay awake,” I answered.
He pulled up something called The Last Five Years . “It’s a musical,” he explained. “If you like what little bit you watch, we can always watch the full thing some other time.
“You would pick a musical,” I said as I shifted until my legs were curled up enough to trap the heat pack in the perfect position. I pulled his arm up a little until I could twine my fingers with his.
“Matt?
“Yes, sweetheart?”
“Will you pull down the fall decorations before you leave tonight? I give Emery a lot of shit about that stuff, but it makes her happy.”
He kissed the side of my head. “I may have done that earlier when she asked, and she hid the evidence in her room.” The image of boxes full of décor crammed into Emery’s bedroom filled my mind. Fall was her favorite and she had enough themed décor to fill several houses. It all took up the majority of our attic leaving only a small corner for the handful of Christmas decorations.
Not only had Matt come over ready to take care of me today, but he also made multiple trips up and down to the attic to help Emery. It wasn’t anything new. He was always doing whatever he could to help the two of us despite only knowing us for a month.
Emery and I had always been close friends, but since I moved in with her, we had become a package deal. I hadn’t realized just how much all my exes had avoided her in the past. I hadn’t realized until then just how important it was to me to have someone willing to be part of both our lives, not just mine.
I twisted as much as I could so I could see him and squeezed his arm to me. “I really like that you take care of both of us.” He planted another kiss on my forehead. “I should warn you, the chili she is making is going to taste a little different from what you’re used to,” I added as I twisted back to face the tv.
“Tomato free, yeah, she already warned me. I’m not sure I’d call what she’s making chili, but it still smells good.” The recipe was one that Emery and my mom had worked on for years, adjusting it as Emery’s allergies changed over time. Growing up I was so used to the food modifications we made at home because of Emery’s extensive list of food allergies that anytime I ate outside of our house I was always thrown off by what things were supposed to taste like. Sometimes it felt like cheating to be able to try all these things that my sister could never have.
I snuggled in closer to Matt. We were lucky to have him, this incredible sweet man that took care of us and ate weird food without complaining. I fell asleep safely in his arms during the first song, my heart overflowing.