41. Chapter 41
Chapter 41
Riley
I jumped out of bed as soon as I heard Emery leave for the morning and pulled my overnight duffle bag out of my closest. I threw things in it without paying attention as I tossed plans around in my brain. I had nodded off for maybe an hour at one point during the night, jumping awake with the pages of my journal stuck to my face and pen marks on my sheets, but I was buzzing with energy. The only part of the plan that I could decide on was that I should have an overnight bag with me.
I needed to be with him tonight. I needed to wake up with him in the morning.
If he would let me. If he would have me.
I held on to hope that he would.
I tried to push away the thoughts of doubts as I emptied the bag and tried to pay attention as I repacked it.
It took several tries.
My phone rang as I packed my lunch for the day, and I smiled as I saw that Matt was calling me for our morning call. “Good morning, handsome,” I answered before he could speak.
“Good morning, beautiful. You sound chipper this morning.”
My face already hurt from smiling. This was going to be a long half day. “I’m coming over after work. We need to talk.” My words were rushed. It was hard to get a deep breath with how excited I felt.
Matt’s voice was cautious when he spoke. “Are we going to talk about Wednesday?”
“Yes, we’re going to talk about it. We really need to talk about it.”
I love you.
I love you.
I’m going to tell you I love you today.
“Okay. I’ll see you after school.” His voice was calm without a hint of emotion. I couldn’t even hear a smile in his voice.
I looked at the bag I had packed and left next to the front door. Was I making a mistake? Was it about to happen again? Did he take the space I gave him yesterday and decide that none of this was worth it?
I pushed the thought away. This was it; I was going to do this. Whatever happened would happen. If it blew up in my face, then it blew up in my face.
I couldn’t go another day without telling him I loved him.
If he changed his mind and broke my heart, that was on him. It wasn’t a reflection of me. I repeated it like a mantra as I struggled through the short school day.
***
Matt
I had never been more thankful for the half-day before Christmas break in my life, not even when I was in school. I couldn’t even begin to think about working today. Attendance and then turn on A Christmas Carol – that was the extent of my abilities as a teacher today.
I turned Riley’s words over in my head on repeat until I had convinced myself that she had sounded freaked out, like she was hiding something. She was coming over to my place. She didn’t ask me to come see her.
Was she planning for a quick escape?
Was she going to decide that this was all too hard and run away?
We need to talk.
We need to talk.
The words twisted in my stomach, in my heart. Famous last words before everything went downhill.
Matt
I can’t wait to see you later.
Is everything okay?
Stop being clingy, I reminded myself. Every moment that went by without a response was agony. At least after today I would have my answer. Either this was going somewhere, or it wasn’t.
I’d live in the place of limbo we’d been in these past few months forever if it meant getting to keep her in my life. I don’t need more , I lied to myself. I can be happy here if it means keeping her.