42. Chapter 42
Chapter 42
Riley
I knocked on the door and walked in without waiting for him to open it. Matt froze on the other side just a step away with a hand reaching forward to open it. He must have just gotten home. He was still in the Christmas sweater he must have worn to school and his teaching bag was on the kitchen island. His hair stuck up like he had been running his hands through it. My fingers ached to rake through it.
He backed up a few steps to give me room to enter. Any other day he would have taken my bag from me and then wrapped me in his arms. Today his arms hung by his side. My body tingled with the need to have his hands on me.
“Hi,” I said out of breath. My heart swelled as I took him in and pushed a smile to my face.
“Riley, what’s wrong? You’ve had me worried all day.” He stood frozen in that spot.
I closed the door behind me and dropped my tote bag and duffle bag by my feet. “Why are you worried?”
“Last time we saw each other we argued and then we didn’t talk yesterday. This morning you said we needed to talk and then nothing else for the rest of the day. Then you bust in here like you ran the whole way.”
My smile dropped as I remembered his messages asking if everything was okay close to the early dismissal time. I had been so wrapped up in getting through work so I could get to him I forgot to respond. My heart raced. I had already screwed this up.
“I know. I’m sorry. I just need some time to think. I’m ready to un-pause.” I sucked in a breath. I clenched my hands by my side and forced myself to maintain eye contact. “I don’t want to keep doing whatever it is we’re doing.” I held up a hand to stop him from speaking.
“No, fuck, that was the wrong way to start this.” I let out a frustrated grunt and tried again. “I spent all night trying to think of a way to tell you this. I was going to try to make it special, romantic. But the truth is, I suck at all that and all I could think about was getting here as fast as I could.” I dragged a hand over my face. “God, I’m so bad at this. I’m just trying to say, I’m tired of acting like this isn’t something serious, of avoiding talking about the future. I want to wake up next to you every morning and not to a phone call. I want to meet your family and introduce you to the rest of mine. I want the big scary things and the small moments. I love you and I’m so tired of denying it. I trust you. I want to call you mine and to hear you say I get to keep you.” I pressed my back against the door and stared at him.
He ran a hand through his hair and took half a step toward me. “Riley.”
I looked down at the floor and tapped one foot against the other. “I’m sorry I didn’t make it romantic. I know you like that kind of stuff and that’s what you would have done for me. I just couldn’t keep it in anymore.”
He stopped a step away from me and stood still watching me. His mouth pulled tight, and his eyes were wide, one hand in his hair and the other by his side in a fist.
“Please say something. I feel like I’m going to throw up right now,” I whispered.
“What changed? Why now?” His voice was unsteady, like he wasn’t sure if he was allowed to ask.
“I told my sister-in-law about you last night because all I’ve been able to think about since Wednesday is how much it hurts to see you upset just because I can’t get through my own shit. Because we are together, we have been this whole time just like you said yesterday morning, but I was too scared to say it. You’ve done nothing but show me that you’re all in and I keep comparing you to people you’re not. I thought I was protecting myself by denying how I felt, but I was just hurting us both. I can’t keep hurting us anymore. I love you and I need you to know.” My face was a mess of tears and snot and makeup. I didn’t care. “We deserve happiness. You’re the only person that’s ever shown me that I deserve happiness.”
He smiled and closed the distance between us. The sight of those slightly too big front teeth had never made me happier. His hands cupped my face, and his body pressed me into the door. His mouth hovered over mine long enough for my heart to skip a beat before finally covering mine. This was different from how he normally kissed me. His mouth against mine was always sweet and gentle, because that’s how he was with me. This time his mouth was rough and hungry, more like the night of the Christmas dance. I wrapped my hands in his sweater and pulled him closer. Our teeth and tongues clashed as we made up for all the time we spent holding back.
“Matt,” I said into his mouth.
“Yes, sweetheart?” He broke away just a little. “Is this okay?”
“Yes, it’s perfect. It’s just, I need…”. I let my words drop off as I searched for the right one. “I don’t want to pressure you or anything, but I really need you to talk to me. Are we okay?”
His body stayed firmly pressed against mine, but he pulled his head back enough for me to see his full face. “I love you too, Riley. Is that what you need to hear?” His thumb stroked over my bottom lip. “I know you already know it.”
“I love you,” I said again. “I’m sorry it took me so long.”
He kissed me again. “It just took you a little while to say the words, but you’ve been telling me in other ways for a long time.”
“Have I?”
“You have.” He kissed me again. Again. Again. Again.
“How?” I asked as we broke for air.
“Riley, I’ve been thinking about this moment for a long time now. Will you let me focus?”
“I just need to know,” I said.
He moved his mouth to my ear. “The way you texted me so much your sister had to put you in time out. The way your face lit up when you saw me at the district meeting.”
“Right before I ran away from you,” I interrupted him.
“The way you touch me like you’ll never get enough. The way you trust me with things you’ve never told anyone else. When you hype me up whenever I doubt myself. The way you get excited about every little moment of time we’re able to spend together and refer to even the smallest things as a date. You love me so softly in all the little ways all the time.”
“Okay, okay,” I said. I tried to turn my head to catch his mouth with mine.
“There’s more, so much more. Can I keep going?” His mouth followed my ear denying my mouth.
“Later. I need your mouth,” I said.
He caught my ear lobe in his mouth, sucking and biting. “My mouth is right here,” he said around it.
“I need it back over here.” I tried again to turn my face toward him.
“Details, sweetheart, I’m going to need more details. There are a lot of places I’ve been dying to put my mouth.”
A wave of heat washed over me and settled between my thighs as I struggled to think. He felt so good pressing into me like this. We felt so good pressed against each other.
“Kiss me. Please, kiss me.”
He trailed kisses down my throat. “I am kissing you.”
I wiggled against him and reached for his head to pull him back to my mouth. In a flash he had both my hands pinned above me against the door.
“Use your words.” His eyes were back on mine. “Where do you want my mouth?”
“Kiss me,” I said again.
“Where?”
I swallowed and tried to lean toward him. He leaned just out of my reach and smirked. “On my mouth.” I swallowed again and took in the man in front of me. My sweet, sunshine Matt was gone and replaced by someone with dark eyes full of want. “Everywhere,” I whispered.
“That’s what I’m trying to do. You keep stopping me.”
A nervous giggle bubbled out of my mouth. Matt released my hands from the door and moved them to bracket his face. The long stubble on his cheeks dug into my palms. “I’m sorry,” I said. “I’m really nervous and excited.”
“Why are you nervous? It’s me, you don’t have to be nervous with me.”
“I can’t believe this is real.” I planted kisses all over this face. “Are you really mine?”
He nuzzled his cheek against my hand. “I’ve been yours.”
“Do I get to keep you?”
“You can keep me forever if you’ll have me.”
I cried harder. “I want that.”
His thumbs brushed my face before he pulled me into a hug. “Happy tears?”
I nodded my head against his shoulder. Happy tears. Relieved tears. Thankful tears. “I don’t know if you’ve noticed but I’m kind of a crier.” I laughed and wiped the tears with the back of my hand. “Matt?”
“Yes, beautiful?”
“When you propose I want it to be as big and romantic as you want to make it, okay? No holding back.”
He pulled back to tilt my face up to his. “I love you so much.” The gorgeous smile that always set my heart aflutter appeared again. “How long do I have to wait? I would be down for proposing right now.”
“I have other plans for right now.” I kissed his smile. “Any time after tonight is fine with me.” I wiggled out of his arms and bent down for my duffle bag.
“Riley, I need you back up here.”
I stood up and held up the plastic bag I had retrieved. “I wasn’t sure if you would have condoms here or not. We didn’t really get that far whenever we talked about things so I thought I would come prepared just in case.”
Matt lifted his eyebrows and took the bag from my hand.
“I mean, if you want to. We don’t have to, if you don’t want to.”
He pulled my body flush against his again. “Does it feel like I don’t want to?” he asked as he pressed his hips against mine, letting me feel how hard he was against his pants.
“Funny business is approved?” I rocked my hips against his drawing a gasp from him.
“Funny business is very much needed,” he answered.
Another wave of heat washed over me as I pressed harder against him enjoying the feel of his hard length against me. My fingers went to the hem of his sweater. “Clothes. Off. Now.”
He untangled my hands from his clothes and pulled me toward his bedroom. “Someone is impatient,” he laughed.
“I’ve never wanted someone as much as I want you, Matt. I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it,” I said. I waited for embarrassment to take over, but it never came. All my past relationships had just happened to me, but with Matt I got to choose. I got to choose to want him. I got to choose how I loved him. I got to choose what I told him and when. It was impossible to feel embarrassed when I knew he wanted me just as much, that he was choosing me too. I tugged on his hand until he turned around, and I could capture his mouth with mine again. There had always been a measure of control over our kissing, both of us always toeing the line of the boundaries we had set but never crossing them and stopping ourselves when we almost did. That control was gone. I liked the way he kissed without control. “I don’t think I’ll ever get enough of kissing you like this.”
My back slammed into the wall next to his bedroom. “Me either.” His mouth moved against mine alternating between soft tender and hard hungry kisses. We poured love and want into each other with our mouths and hands. “I need to tell you something,” he said against my mouth.
“Later, you can tell me later.” I needed him against me, his skin touching mine, right now. It was all I could think about, his body all I could feel. I wasn’t capable of hearing any other confessions.
My fingers worked on his belt while his hand slid under my sweater and dug into the waistband of my leggings. “Clothes, please,” I begged.
He pulled away and moved me from the wall to push me through the bedroom door. His hands went to work on his belt, his eyes heavy as he watched me. I tugged my own clothes off and moved to sit on the edge of the bed. I moved my arms to cover my stomach and pushed up my breasts without even thinking.
“Jesus, Riley, I wanted to do that.” His sweater fell to the floor, followed by his belt and pants. He stood there in his undershirt and boxer briefs, eyes behind his glasses roaming over me. He was gorgeous. It was the same thing I had thought when I walked in on him the day of the dance. “Move your arms.”
I moved my arms at his command and relished the way he looked at me like he had found his new favorite thing until I couldn’t handle him not touching me. “You were taking too long.” I reached for him, needing him back against me. “Stop looking at me like that.”
He moved in front of me, his hands pressed into my shoulders urging me to lay back. “You are so fucking sexy, I can’t stop looking at you.” His mouth followed his hands down my shoulders and then over each arm, over the tops of my breasts, over the soft roundness of my stomach and every stretch mark. Goosebumps covered my skin everywhere he touched. One hand ghosted back up my body to settle on one breast, thumb circling the fabric of my bra right over my nipple. My hands tugged at the bottom of his undershirt dragging it up, needing his skin against mine.
He leaned back to pull the shirt over his head revealing that swirl of music notes that I had dreamed of touching again. I pushed myself up and reached back for the clasp of my bra. His hand covered mine. “Are you going to let me take my time with you?” His crooked glasses teetered precariously on his nose.
“We have the rest of our lives for that.” My free hand reached for his glasses, fingers grasping the frame lightly at one temple to tug them off.
Matt’s hand cupped around mine, pulling my fingers to his mouth to press a kiss against each finger tip as he shook his head. “Those stay on. I’m not missing a single detail of you.” He rested my hand on his shoulder so he could resume his task of learning every inch of me even slower than before. Slow enough to remind me of that first night when he made the comment about making me beg. I tilted my hips up to rub against him. His eyes flicked up to meet mine and a wicked grin stretched across his lips as he lifted his hips away from mine.
“Now you’re just being mean,” I groaned.
“I have every intention of being nice, you just need to be patient.” He pressed his mouth against my collarbone. “It’s been a while. If you keep doing that it’s going to be over way too soon.” His mouth trailed over to my other collarbone. “You said you wanted my mouth everywhere.” His free hand skated between my spread legs teasing me with his fingers against my inner thigh. He hadn’t even touched me, and I was already soaked.
“Touch me before I lose my – oh.” I moaned as his fingers brushed over my clit above the fabric of my underwear. I lifted my hips wanting more. “More,” I begged. He circled faster, groaning as I pressed myself against his hand.
He lifted himself up and looked down at where his hand touched me. Just when I was going to tell him I needed more, needed his skin against mine, his hand stopped moving. An embarrassing whimper escaped from me. His pupils were so blown out I could barely see a ring of blue when his eyes met mine. “Do you want my mouth here,” he asked, tapping a finger against me.
God, yes. I wanted that so badly. “Please.”
His hand disappeared and he tugged my underwear down my legs, then he moved each of my legs over his shoulders, his hands gripping my hips to pin me in place. His eyes held mine and he swiped his tongue in a slow lick that made my hips arch up. I was going to come faster and harder than I ever had. His mouth closed over my clit as he pushed his fingers inside me. He worked until my thighs clenched around his head and shook from the pleasure building in me. The one hand on my hip to pin me down fought a losing battle. I dug my hands in his hair, my fingernails scrapped against his scalp, and he moaned against me. I don’t know who was moaning louder, him or me. My body tensed and bucked against him as waves of orgasm exploded through me, my mouth falling open with moans and whimpers. I closed my eyes and tried to catch my breath.
He rested his head against the inside of one of my thighs, eyes full of adoration and crooked glasses smudged. He wore the same wide grin I always thought of as cute. Right now with his head between my legs and his wet fingers pressed against my hip that grin was the hottest thing I’d ever seen. “Worth the wait?” he asked.
“Mmm, I haven’t decided yet,” I mumbled with a soft smile.
“Now who is being mean?”
I reached for him, tugging him back up to me for a kiss. His skin against mine was heaven. I’ve never been able to get enough of his touch before and even now I felt like I never would. “Will you please shut up and get inside me already?”
He groaned and reached for the condoms. I tugged the waistband of his boxer briefs down while he opened the box and stroked him. His breath shuttered and his fingers fumbled with the wrapper while his eyes watched my hand work, noises tumbling from his mouth. Once the condom was freed, he gently moved my hand so he could roll it on. Both of us scrambled to push his underwear down his legs.
“Matt?” I ran my hands over his back as he settled over me.
“Yes, sweetheart?”
“I love you.” Telling him for the first time was like a dam bursting and now I couldn’t stop myself from telling him over and over. I had been biting the words back for so long I felt like I had to make up for all the missed opportunities.
“I love you too,” he whispered in my ear as he finally filled me and then stilled. It may have been the most still he’d ever been around me. His forehead dropped to rest against mine. “You feel so good, Riley.”
My muscles clenched around him urging him to move. “It'd feel even better if you move.”
His body tensed over mine and another groan shuddered out of him. “Please stop.” Muttered curse flowed out of him when I clenched again. “Riley, please, if you keep doing that I’m going to embarrass myself.”
“It’s just me, Matt. There’s nothing to be embarrassed about.”
Then we were a blur of skin against skin, lips on lips, and slow strokes. He sped up and thrusted into me harder when I dug my nails into his back. His fingers circled my clit while he muttered half formed words mingled with moans and pants against my mouth begging me to come around him.
"Please," he begged with every word punctuated by a thrust, "Let. Me. Feel."
Hearing the way his voice broke before he could finish his thought sent me over the edge with his name on my lips. I loved the noises he made, that he didn't hold back.
One of his hands reached back to bring my hands away from his back. He laced our fingers together and pressed my hands into the mattress. Then he followed me over the edge.
He dropped his face to my neck while he caught his breath. "Worth the wait," he muttered with a shallow laugh.